Shadow of a Doubt

by Hunter Blain

  Either Lily didn’t notice or she gave me the respect to not mention my tears as we made sweet, passionate love. In those moments, I realized somewhere deep in my mind that I had never actually made love until this moment.

  My body yearned for her touch while my mind became a dark void while we made love. Even though it was silent, I knew there was going to be Hell to pay after we were done. Even during the passionate lovemaking, I could feel the cold anger emanating from inside my disapproving, calculating mind, distracting me with the battle between my heads.

  After a few minutes of this, I told my brain to shut the hell up, and began focusing on the moment. My return kisses became passionate, matching Lily’s hunger. I pulled on her long, wavy hair as she rode on top of me before letting my fingernails glide down her back, leaving marks. She moaned as I planted my feet and began bucking my hips while gently kneading her sensitive breasts. I pulled on her hair, hard, moving her head to the side and exposing her neck. I bit down, but not in my usual attempt to draw blood. My goal was to provide as much sensual bliss as I could to my partner, who was helping to distract me from my self-loathing and despair.

  Once it was obvious she was about to climax, I focused on joining her, and we cried out together in that grassy field.

  She lay on top of me, breathing hard, while lightly kissing the skin around my face with me still inside her. Her body glistened with sweat in the sunlight, and she smelled sweeter than any flower could ever hope to be.

  “I…I lo…” I started to say, feeling the tears returning as my throat tightened.

  She lifted her head to stare at me directly in the eyes, worry in her expression. There was a twinkle there, too, signifying a deep eagerness for me to finish what I had started to say.

  “What’s wrong, John? What do you want to tell me?” she asked with a sweet, soft voice made entirely of silk.

  “I…wish I could trust you,” I said, wiping the warm streams that ran on either side of my eyes.

  Her features softened as she looked from my right eye to my left and back again. “I wish you could, too,” she replied, lifting her hips slightly so that we separated. “All you need to know is that I have your best interests in mind. I will do anything to help keep you safe, even from yourself.” As she finished, she kissed each of my tear-filled eyelids and then vanished, leaving me alone in the field.

  My mind ferociously regained control, chastising me for opening myself up for further heartache. My heart and body, having achieved the connection they had so desperately desired, cowered in the corner, all the energy sapped from them.

  I sobbed in that field. I sobbed as the breeze tried to console me by caressing my skin. I sobbed as the blades of grass attempted to embrace me, letting me know everything was going to be okay. I sobbed…because I was alone.

  Baleius had been with me since Ulric had spilled his blood down my throat. For over five hundred years, I had relied on him to keep me safe while aiding in the hunt. Now, I was afraid to face him again in the real world. Baleius had shown his true colors when he had thought he had the upper hand with the celestial armor. It had only been by sheer luck and his own hubris that I had been able to disarm him…and myself. “Your greatest strength…” Lachesis echoed through my mind. The most significant gift I had ever received from someone that had been like a father to me, and I would never be able to wear it again.

  Da had sacrificed himself so that I might live, and now remained only as a whisper in my mind that I didn’t even know if it was real or just hopeful wishing. Da—the angel Raziel—who had set me down the path of salvation, was gone.

  Continuing down the road of self-pity, I thought about Lily…oh, Lily. She had my heart hostage, and knew it. My love for her was caged in barbed wire; the more it grew, the more it pierced and tore at my scarred heart.

  A beam of light pierced the dark clouds of sorrow. Depweg. Depweg had been, and would always be, there for me. The sentiment was mutual. I would do anything for my best friend and brother. I wanted to rush right now and see him, but I think he needed his own space for now. He had been through a lot, losing Dawson and Joey—

  “Joey!” I cried out, sitting up straight. My mind raced to replay what Lolth had said through Dawson’s mouth. “We turned him to the dark side,” she had said. Even if he had been taken by the darkness, Lolth was dead, and that had freed those that had been infected.

  I lay back down in the grass, letting my heart settle again as I thought. Joey was fine, I was sure of it. He was fine.

  Something tickled the back of my mind, and I realized what I could do to help Depweg out when I returned.

  “But when will I return?” I asked lackadaisically, my words disappearing with the breeze. My mortal mind had had enough self-punishment for today and had decided it was best to take a nap in the warm field. “Guess I’ll know…when I know.”

  25

  Six months passed. Six months of clean food, bright sun, and manual labor with the Fae as we rebuilt the throne. It took so long to do because Taylor added runes, sigils, and other protective markings which—as Ludvig had taught me—took time. Even with Taylor’s unparalleled craftsmanship, it was a labor of love.

  Time was odd for me in Faerie. Not because of any time dilation—that was the least of my concerns during my stay—but because my memory was dulled. I could remember some events of the last six months, but mostly, everything ran together except a few key moments. I couldn’t recall every moment of every day like I could as a vampire, but I could remember how I’d felt. It’s funny. I’d never realized how much time and effort I spent sorting and filing memories in my information city until I didn’t have to anymore. God, humans had it so easy sometimes.

  My skin darkened to a healthy tan. My reddish beard and black hair grew wild and long. Thick, defined muscles could be seen through skin laced with bulging veins that formed a road map over my body. I even had a six pack for the first time, well, ever.

  Tiny Tim was with me almost every second of every day, content to oblige my request for puppy kisses and cuddles whenever I wanted. It warmed my beating heart to see how happy he was, and he brought me true joy when I needed it most.

  A lot of time was spent with Lily as we intimately got to know one another, and for the first time, not just carnally. Though my icy heart walls had melted, my dubious mind kept its defenses on high alert; always doubting, always questioning Lily’s every action.

  We did yoga together every morning as the sun came up before running through the beautiful nature trails of Faerie. Often, we stopped in the middle of the run to make passionate love against a tree or a few paces off the beaten path. One morbid advantage about having most of the citizens of Faerie gone was privacy, even in the open.

  She spent every night with me, alternating who was the big and little spoon as we slept. Tim, who slept near my feet, would growl if she got too close to him. His loyalty was to me, and he could probably sense my indecision about the woman I shared my bed with. Lily paid Tim no mind when he was being a little poo-head, but I could see her look at me with hurt eyes every time the puppy vocalized his dislike of her. We both knew Tim was reading my hidden emotions like an open book. I knew I loved her, but I also knew I was a fool for doing so. It was an ever-raging war between my heart and brain.

  However, I remember one night when I woke up after a dream where I had lost her and just staring at Lily’s breathing form under the moonlight. It had been a dream that had felt real, and I had watched her die in front of me. The pain had felt real, and I think my mind opened the gate of possibility and acceptance a little that night.

  As time went on, Tiny Tim began to accept Lily as a part of my life, though he still showed his displeasure from time to time. Part of me was worried that meant I was speeding down the highway of love in the rain and without my seat belt on.

  When I wasn’t with Lily, I spent time wondering the castle and reading everything I could get my hands on. Not having Wi-Fi—or was it Wu-Fi…Wo-Fi? I co
uldn’t remember that fine detail as a human—gave me all the time in the world to improve my body and mind.

  I practiced combat with the Fae every chance I got. I became proficient at bows, swords, pikes, and a multitude of other weapons that I had relied on my vampirism—and Baleius—to control. Now I was confident I could hold the wheel on my own.

  I trained close-quarter combat with Taylor when he wasn’t busy running a kingdom and both High Courts.

  Elves taught me agility, balance, and proficiency with different bows such as cross, recurve, compound, and long.

  Dwarves increased my strength and muscle mass, as well as increasing my toughness. When we had first started, I had been scared to break a thin plank of wood with my mortal hands. Before I left, I was shattering cinder blocks.

  Trolls showed me speed, reconnaissance, and javelin skills; both long-distance throwing and close-quarter deflections and attacks. After months of training, I was able to twirl a bow staff better than any movie could portray.

  And one morning I woke up, looked in the mirror, and knew I was ready to stop doubting myself. It was time to face my fears.

  One of the portals had been reconstructed, and Taylor and I stood amidst a small gathering to bid me farewell.

  I had my gray beanie and trench coat on, but everything else was custom-made clothing because what I used to wear would no longer fit my lean frame. The Doc Martens were still fine, but Taylor had offered me some elven-crafted boots. Not only did they look cool as hell, but they felt indescribably comfortable. The material for the pants and long sleeve shirt had been made from the silk of Faerie spiders that lived somewhere deep in the forbidden forest. Taylor had told me that, though soft and malleable, the clothing would protect me from most nonmagical attacks, including modern human weapons. They also breathed like cotton, which was a bonus.

  My hair and beard had been groomed and shaped to the point where people were bound to ask, “Maybe he was born with it?” to which I would respond, “Maybe you should mind your own business and shut up,” while being secretly flattered. Not to toot my own horn, but I felt like I could be a romance cover model. Then again, I had felt like that my entire life, so not much of a point of reference to go on.

  I felt good. I felt confident. I was John Cook, the Vampire, and I was ready to wear that mantle with a renewed pride.

  “Thank you, everyone,” I said as I spoke to the room. Then I stepped forward and embraced my friend. Taylor had been there for me when I’d needed him most. He had been by my side when we had stared down Armageddon. He had given me purpose when I had been nothing but a simple mortal. Faerie had rebounded, and under Taylor’s leadership, I was sure it would thrive.

  “Ready, lover?” Lily asked, placing her hand in mine and lacing our fingers. I set down the large bag that contained the celestial armor as I looked into her beautiful purple eyes and planted a kiss on her forehead.

  “I need to do this alone,” I explained with warm eyes and a slight smile that I hoped conveyed to her that everything was going to be alright.

  She nodded in understanding before throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me deeply. To her, I might as well have been a soldier going off to a war that I might not come home from.

  “Make sure Tim gets home, would ya?” I asked as I kissed the top of her head.

  “Of course,” she said softly. I knew it was asking a lot from her to travel to my home, but the guys would have to understand. Or not. I supposed I really didn’t care either way.

  She lifted her head and stared into my eyes, as if she were waiting for something.

  “What?” I asked with a little laugh. I loved it when she was cute and coy.

  “Say it for me, just once,” she asked with a voice that was half cute, half sincere.

  “You first,” I responded through a smile.

  She took a breath right as Tiny Tim ran up and put his front paws up on my calves, yipping his excitement.

  Lily looked at me, smiled, and planted a kiss on the tip of my nose.

  We broke our embrace, letting our fingertips hold one another for a few moments, desperate for more time, before I consciously pulled away. I knew we could have stood there for an eternity and not said what the other so desperately wanted to hear.

  Picking up the bag of armor, I turned to face the portal which shimmered to life, took a deep breath, and prepared to face the mess beyond the door that I had run away from.

  26

  I stepped through the portal and felt the immediate rush of ancient power flooding back into me. I clenched my teeth and balled my hands into fists as I fought to maintain control.

  I willed myself inside the control room of my mind and saw a bewildered Baleius frantically searching his body for the armor that was no longer there.

  What have you done?! Baleius demanded on the verge of madness. His eyes were wild, and spittle flew as he yelled.

  I stared at him, unmoving, with an emotionless face.

  Say something, you fool! Where is my armor!

  I remained motionless, which apparently pissed him off because he charged forward with red eyes and elongated fangs.

  I pivoted to the side and leaned back, letting him sail through the air where I had just been standing. Baleius landed on the ground on all fours, turned, and leaped again. This time, I allowed him to get close before grabbing both of his wrists, falling to my back with my feet planted on his midsection, and launching him with my legs to the wall as I rolled backward and onto my feet. He landed upside down, cracking his head on the floor as he fell.

  Baleius scrambled to his feet, cursing in hellion as he did.

  You are nothing without me. NOTHING! How many times have I saved your pathetic life, mortal? HOW MANY?!

  Countless, I admitted calmly.

  This threw Baleius off, who stood a little straighter as I relented to his point.

  Then you know I mustn’t be stopped. Give me the armor, and I will take control and keep us alive, Baleius asserted hesitantly as he approached the steering wheel of my mind. He lifted both hands to place them on the wheel. I let him.

  Once they touched it, the wheel vanished from existence. There had been no dramatic element to it. No puff of smoke or blinding flash; it was simply, gone.

  Baleius shrieked, letting his features that had once perfectly mirrored mine to morph into the bat demon I had seen on the battlefield.

  Through a voice that was no longer similar to mine, the monster snarled, Death it is then, mortal. One way or the other, I will have that armor and rule over the cosmos. It is my destiny.

  Baleius, now in full demon form, leaped at me with his imposing claws outstretched. Lifting my hand palm up, the demon Baleius froze in midair. Confused, he tried struggling while crying out in frustration and rage.

  Thing is, I began with complete ease in my voice, this is my body. I thought I needed you, but that was before. I was weak. I doubted myself. I relied on you, demon, to do the heavy lifting. But no more.

  As I finished, I held my free hand, palm up, in front of me. The Lament Configuration from Hellraiser appeared, otherwise known as the puzzle box.

  My fingers wrapped around the golden-and-black cube and began a specific pattern of movement across its surface. The box hissed and began to open as if made from two identical parts that had been slid together, interlacing seamlessly. They sat, one on top of the other, before the top part turned forty-five degrees and collapsed. Instead of a cube, the Configuration made more of a Celtic cross that opened at the top.

  Baleius struggled to pull away as an unseen force began pulling him into the cube I had manifested. Batlike ears flapped forward as if blown from behind by a jet engine’s exhaust. Baleius fought to keep from being sucked into his iconic horror movie prison, but this was my mind. I no longer needed him. Just as my fear of losing him after returning from Faerie the first time had given him strength, now my assuredness siphoned the stolen power back into me.

  You…need…me! he cried out a
s his legs were pulled into the void, followed by his hips. His torso elongated before disappearing into the Configuration, then his arms. Panicked eyes searched desperately for a way out before his head vanished and the cube closed behind him.

  The puzzle box lifted, rotated, and became a solid cube once again, a satisfying hiss sounding as it closed. I tossed the prison in the air once, caught it, and set it down on the coffee table that had appeared in front of my brand-new reclining couch. The wheel was no longer needed now that I—and I alone—was in control.

  As I plopped onto the black leather couch, a form appeared sitting next to me.

  My limbs shot out in front of me as if I were falling before a familiar laugh calmed my nerves.

  “Dear me, John. Bloody took you long enough,” Da said. He was normal human size as he sat next to me.

  “Da?” I asked, disbelieving. My air of badassery and confidence gave way to childlike wonder. “How can—Is it…is it really you?”

  “Did you or did you not take me into your own essence when you drank my blood.”

  “I did what you told me to!” I protested.

  “That you did,” Da said, resting a hand on my arm in appreciation. His smile was welcoming, like a relative that you respected saying how proud they were of you.

  “Why are you only just now showing yourself? What was with all the Obi-Wan guidance?”

  “Baleius kept me at bay with his indomitable determination. I also didn’t need to manifest inside your mind to influence you, now did I?”

  “I used the force just like you told me to,” I joked.

  “Precisely why I didn’t feel the need to fight Baleius. It was also advantageous to let him think he was winning the battle. I was afraid that once he had my armor, he could overtake your mind. His constant focus on me kept him distracted,” Da admitted with a wink.

  “Then why let me have your armor and gladius?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question once it had left my mouth and entered my own ears.