The Raven & the Wolf

by Melissa Rodriguez

  Can you feel the fire within you growing?

  Can you feel yourself getting stronger?

  Can you feel yourself gaining more energy?

  Forget sleeping, get out there and chase your dreams.

  Origami

  I sit and I watch as you take this blank slate and delicately fold lines

  within it to create such different shapes.

  I watch in such wonderment as you transform this blank slate into such art.

  With each intricate fold that you have created you have turned this blank slate into what you wished for it to be.

  Not knowing that this blank slate you were folding was me.

  The raindrops hit my windshield and dash away like shooting stars.

  Takes me back to the time when I was younger with nothing to worry about.

  While I sat in that truck with it being pitch black outside. I felt as if I was in a spaceship dashing through the stars on some expedition through the universe.

  This is one of the amazing memories I have as a child.

  Not being able to sleep due to these thoughts racing around in my mind. As my body feels energized, but my mind feels heavy with such pain.

  Hearing this light knocking in the back that I have been trying to silence, but it just keeps getting louder and louder by the minute. I’m sorry depression, but I can’t handle you right now.

  Reminding myself over and over again that everything is okay in this moment, and that we are on a different path then what we used to be on.

  As I repeat this in my mind the knocking starts to fade lower and lower until it can no longer be heard. My mind starts to regain its peace and comes back from that moment of disruption.

  When I was younger I always had this recurring dream that still to this day I don’t know what it means.

  This dream was always the same and never changed. I would fall asleep and wake up in this huge white room as if it was never-ending.

  In this room, it would just be me and when I looked around I would see this person in the distance. I would always call out to this person saying hello and they would turn to look at me.

  Then in a blink of an eye, he would be in front of my face bent over since he was so tall.

  He would be wearing this black suit with a white shirt and a black tie, which never changed. But his face is what scared me the most. It was as white as a sheet of paper with no hair. There were no eyes, no mouth, and no nose. All that his face showed was like a white noise screen moving at the speed of lightning.

  This would frighten me to the point of waking up instantly. I have had this dream many times as a child, but once I grew older this dream never came again.

  As we print these pages of our lives, hoping that each mark of the ink takes away the pain from inside.

  We print these pages in hope to heal not only ourselves but those who feel what we feel.

  For each page filled is like a transfer of ink from our souls to this paper as we heal.

  My body goes numb as a switch goes off in my head.

  It’s as if I feel nothing at all,

  My thoughts die down as everything around me goes silent.

  But this is when my demons speak their mind,

  as I reach for this blade and lay it upon my skin.

  This delicate dance begins,

  as it glides across its canvas.

  A dance so gentle that it doesn’t bring attention.

  For this dance is what brings me back and once it’s done,

  my body comes back from being numb.

  This dance has been my escape many times,

  but once I got older this dance changed.

  My demons grew stronger when I lived

  one of the worst times in my life.

  They became more vocal in dark, as if they

  would sit right next to me while I lay in bed.

  As they would tell me lies,

  but at the time I believed them.

  This dance took a turn as I took a

  handful of painkillers to make it all stop.

  As I lay back in my bed, I can feel the

  blood as it travels in my veins.

  As I fall asleep to the quietness of the night,

  thinking that maybe this was the end.

  But I woke up the next day and put on my mask,

  so no one would see my pain.

  Days have passed as my demons have been silent,

  as if they were creating a plan waiting to attack.

  As I was at my lowest point being kicked while I was down.

  They decided to show with vengeance

  telling me lies that I couldn’t handle at the time.

  I grabbed a knife and held it to my throat as tears escaped from my eyes,

  as all I could hear is their words to end it all once and for all.

  But I couldn’t, so I fall to my knees as I dropped the knife begging

  for them to stop as I continued to cry.

  With no one there to turn to I went back into my room,

  as I cried until I fell asleep.

  When my eyes reopened it was no longer dark in this gloomy room,

  but bright as the sun came through.

  Right then and there I remembered what happened last night

  as I turned to my faith and begged for strength.

  From that point on I decided that enough was enough and

  I was no longer going to let what other people say affect me.

  For I know who I am, and since that day my strength has never failed me.

  I have locked my demons away so tight for they can never escape.

  For if I ever start to feel down, my dance turned to music,

  reading or writing to help take me away for that moment until my mind is relaxed.

  Because I vowed to never return to that dance for I am better than that.

  I’m locked in a cage with bars so close that I can’t escape.

  With the person who I once was being ripped away from me leaving my soul in two.

  All I can do is look upon that person and cry out to them to try and return to me.

  But that person cannot hear me for their path to me is blocked by my doubt, depression, and anxiety.

  Doubt stole my carefree soul once I started being scared of people’s opinions of me.

  Depression stole my carefree soul once I started to understand things fully.

  Anxiety stole my carefree soul by putting these little negative thoughts in my mind.

  You see these are three of the major battles I go through to reunite my souls back together each and every day.

  Sometimes I am victorious in these battles and sometimes I fall victim as well in these battles.

  I don’t see what you see.

  I don’t see the beautiful person you see when you look at me. No, I see this broken glass with these faint cracks and deep cracks to shattered pieces.

  So how can you say beautiful? You must not really know me or have been close enough to see my soul.

  You see my soul. My Soul!

  Is a dark place filled with empty grounds that never end. You see my soul has been torn, written on, stepped on, and stained on by the words of my past.

  You see my past is not squeaky clean. For most people

  they probably thought my life was amazing.

  To see the things I received but they didn’t see the strings attached to these things.

  You see for every tattoo that lies on my skin is like a patch that replaces the torn skin of my past. For these tattoos bring me closer to the me that I see for they hold a story.

  For my story is deep and thoughts go deeper for if you stay and weather the storm that comes with each page you might just reach the end of this story.

  Brick by Brick

  Brick by brick as I build this wall.

  Brick by brick as I silence your voice.

  Brick by brick to keep these fights silent.

  Brick by brick to close out these h
armful memories.

  Brick by brick to forget your touch.

  Brick by brick to close off these emotions.

  Laying each brick down to create a new layer. As I reach for my ladder to build it higher.

  Once I lay down this last brick, I climb down from this ladder and take a step back.

  I look up at this wall that I have built over the years to keep these words and emotions out.

  But you know what’s funny is that the words you have spoken to me, the abuse that I have seen, the fights that I have overheard, the doubts, and worthlessness that I have felt have stained these walls in permanent ink.

  I remember when I met you in 8th grade. We started out as friends and as time moved on we became so much more than that.

  Our relationship was fun all the way until sophomore year of high school. That’s when everything changed. You became more possessive, forceful, and mentally abusive.

  You would tell me all the time that I need to lose weight even though I was only 125. Those words mentally stuck with me still to this day that whenever I go over that weight I feel disgusted with how I look and feel as if nobody will find me attractive.

  Then that time during soccer practice where I asked you to leave because I would get in trouble with my coach and you wouldn’t until I kissed you. I remember you trapping me in between the gate and you, so I wouldn’t have a way out. I asked you to leave multiple times, and then you grabbed my jaw forcing me to look at you and proceeded to aggressively kiss me.

  The final straw for me was when we were hanging out after school just us and you thought it would be funny to push me up against the tennis court gates and press a pocket knife up to my throat. You looked me dead in the eyes and I would not show you any type of fear. You could have easily moved that blade across my throat and ended my life.

  I went home that day and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be in this toxic relationship, so I broke up with you through a text because I didn’t have the guts to do it in person and I remember you telling that the next time you saw me you were going to lay your hands on me.

  I was so terrified to run into you at school, but then I received news from our mutual friends that you moved to a different school. I felt such a relief that day, but I thank you for showing me that I never want to date someone like that ever again.

  I witness your hands wrapped around her neck like a snake. Watching terrified as her face turns red.

  I scream for you to stop and as you turn your face I no longer see the person I knew, but a man filled with rage.

  You run towards me in attempt to slap the phone out of my hand as I feel your fingertips graze my face.

  Stuck in shock as you grab my wrists with such force I never knew. Screaming out for ones help to notice she’s no longer in the room.

  Once freed I run to my room and brace myself between the door and the dresser praying to let me be strong enough to hold this door closed.

  I sat there terrified of what was going to happen next, thinking about nothing but the worse. I knew I had to get out of this home, but I was so scared to open the door.

  When I had the courage to get out I opened the door and ran across the hall to my closest exit.

  Opening the door that lead to the garage, I hit the button until it opened just enough that I knew I could run and make it under not leaving a chance of getting caught.

  I ran as fast as I could diving under the garage door as the ground scraped my knees. Finally free from that home I ran down the street, until I heard someone calling out my name.

  Running into the arms that raised me at our neighbors home as we sat with them waiting for the cops to arrive.

  I wish that I could go back to where nightmares were just that of a dream, but some nightmares spill over into reality.

  I lay in this dark room being half asleep when you came in. I felt the blankets move as you slide under and came closer to me. I remember freezing up when you pushed my front up against the wall. Being twice my size I couldn’t move, fuck I was scared to move.

  I felt your hands as you moved them across my body under my clothes grabbing and touching what you pleased. I felt so disgusted with myself thinking this was my fault. Maybe I gave you signals that this was what I wanted.

  Then the door opened as someone looked in, you didn’t stop running your hands on my skin and I silently prayed that they would say something, but a word never left their mouth as they just closed the door and left.

  You kept going with touching me in place I didn’t want you to touch. You must have gotten bored with me not reciprocating your advance, because you pulled back and left this room leaving me with this disgusted feeling.

  I wanted to cry once you left, shit I wanted to take a shower and scrub my body raw to get rid of your touches. As I grew older I understood that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t deserve what you

  did. I did nothing wrong, but you did.

  You damaged a part of me that night. A part of me that I am still struggling to piece back together.

  I bundle up my past wrapping it in a black string holding together all of my pain, anxiety, and depression that I have felt through the years.

  Walking in the darkness of my mind to a space where I can lay this bundle upon the floor covering it inch by inch with lighter fluid.

  Lighting these matches causing a glow in this dark place as I take a breath releasing my grip watching them slowly fall making contact with my past as it goes up in flames, burning so bright this darkness is pushed back from every comer of the room.

  This bundle turning into nothing but ashes as the fire dies down. Sitting here watching as a new light starts to emerge as it grows stronger and stronger by the minute.

  Creating a new feeling, a new breath, and a new life to this once dark room as I pull off this mask throwing it into the trash as it is no longer needed.

  Learning that my life is no longer suppressed by my past, but is now free from the cage it once called home like a phoenix being reborn from the ashes of its past life.

  These thoughts and memories breaking free of their suppression sending my mind into a mental disarray.

  This chaos that has overtaken has sent me on an emotional rollercoaster that has turned my heart heavy.

  These emotions that have made it hard to breathe while making it harder to keep those tears at bay.

  I’ve been hiding behind this disguise for so long that all these thoughts, memories, and emotions are starting to create cracks as I rush to grab this tape before anyone notices.

  How can I be me, when I don’t even know who I am completely?

  Ripped in three of the different sides of me. One who is shy and quiet, one who wishes to be free, and one who is a mystery.

  Every part of me I wish to bring whole, but how can that be when each side is terrified of what the world will think.

  Being what others wish of me has destroyed the person I have inside of me.

  Starting from the beginning searching for these three in hopes that one day I will be set free.

  Used to the Darkness

  I’ve laid next to these monsters for so long that I no longer know how to sleep without them. They have attached themselves to me like a second skin, so they can never be forgotten.

  Sitting with me every day as they look upon this world through my eyes while they sit in the darkest parts of my mind.

  As they drive people away that get to close fearing that they would help me loosen the chains that bind me to them.

  One comes out as it wraps their hands around my mouth to keep me quiet, when I have something to say. Whispering that what I might say is never needed.

  One sticks around and stirs the pot while it waits for the perfect time to explode like a bull running out of its cage.

  One decides to make an appearance when they feel like making me depressed. Walking around my home not wanting to do anything like eeyore.

  The last one has been with me the longest. They come out wh
en they feel like turning off my emotions, so that I feel nothing. As if they turn on the switch that makes me go numb and unbothered.

  These monsters have been with me for as long as I can remember. Some have been here the longest, while the others showed up throughout the years.

  Why can’t you open up?

  Have you seen what they do to those who open up? They take advantage of your words and twist them later on to just hurt you.

  How do you know it will happen with them?

  I don’t but I still can’t do it. I can’t trust people that easily with what I have been through.

  You can’t take that with you and believe that these people are the same.

  That’s easy for you to say, but you should know since you were there as well.

  I know I was but I can’t take that baggage with me for eternity.

  I know we can’t but how can you just drop that off and move forward?

  Because I know that if I bring it with me I will never be able to live my life fully.

  I don’t know if I can fully let go and heal like you can.

  I understand, but I know deep down that you can.

  How do you know that I can?

  Because I am you and you are me.

  Sitting in this dark room with nothing, but music playing as my emotions overwhelm my body.

  Feeling everything at once from sadness to anger to depression to feeling numb.

  As old habits start calling my name like sirens tempting me to return to them.

  Hearing their sweet music as it pulls on my strings pulling me closer and closer to where I’m just in arms reach.

  While they reach out to me their music starts to falter as I awaken in that split second and pull away from them.

  Turning my back as I walk away I can hear them calling for me to come back as I continue to walk away their voices start to fade away.