by Dani Lovell
With my eyes closed like this, his gentle whisper and light touch could almost be arousing, but just knowing who’s standing before me is enough to cut that feeling off instantly. “Sebastian, please. A robe,” I say quietly, still not looking at him.
He says nothing, but I can feel that he’s still there and as I wonder why on earth he’s not moving, I feel hot, very soft lips on my neck as his fingers move away from my tattoo and press into my back, pushing me tightly into his body. Oh my God… he’s hard. Oh dear God this is so horribly wrong.
“Sebastian!” I cry, my eyes finally opening.
“Mmm…” he moans, his lips deliciously kissing my skin.
“Sebastian, stop this! I don’t want to… I want you to…”
“You don’t want me to stop,” he mumbles and I feel slightly ill. I do want him to stop, it feels amazing but I don’t want this with him! I’m still covering my private regions with my arms and hands and feel totally helpless, unable to push him away or step back with him holding me so tightly.
“Get off me, Sebastian. You had whatever fun you wanted last night when I was very much delusional. I’m not interested in you, nor am I attracted to you. Stop kissing my neck, get your aroused parts away from my body and let fucking go of me!” He immediately removes his fingers and lips from my body and steps away, raising his hands as if guilty of a crime. Which in my opinion, he very much is.
“I apologise, Alexia. I had a momentary lapse of control, it won’t happen again without your permission. Though it was a very different situation, last night.”
“Apology accepted, now please… help me find my robe.”
“Sure.”
He steps over to the chair in the corner of the room and picks up my silk gown, smirking ever so slightly which enrages me, along with the fact that it was there all the time and I’ve been standing here, naked, unnecessarily. Being flustered is not something I’m used to and I’m not at all keen on it.
He holds the robe out to me and I almost take it until I realise that in order for me to do that, I would have to uncover myself. I sigh loudly - defeated. “Would it be at all possible for you to close your eyes while I put this on?”
He grins, very cheekily… almost sexily, as he nods. “Anything for you, Alexia.” Ugh.
He covers his eyes with one hand, his mouth still spread widely across his face, his perfect teeth just visible beyond his lips. I quickly take the robe and turn as I slip it on. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he says, moving his hand and looking me up and down, “but you really needn’t be so shy about it. You weren’t last night.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake, Sebastian! Would you please stop talking about last night?”
“Do you remember it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, I’d like to know.”
“I… I…” I try to remember and in my fluster – fail. I can’t remember a goddamn thing and it’s infuriating. “No! I don’t remember, okay?”
He nods with another patronising smirk. “Okay, I’m sure as the day moves forwards, you’ll remember something. But I have to say – you definitely surprised me.”
“Okay, okay, I’m glad. Now could you please get some clothes on and leave?”
“Not a problem, Lexie. Can I just ask one thing?”
I sigh loudly, exasperated, closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead with my fingers. “What is it?”
“Don’t you want to know what we did before you throw me out?”
“No I do not! I’d really rather not know, right now, and I’d like for you to leave so I can forget you were ever even here. The fact that I allowed you into my bedroom is bad enough, let alone whatever else went on in here…” I spit out, looking over at the bed as I speak with a strange sense of déja vu; the view out of the doors in the very early, very snowy dawn… his head and my knees somewhat blocking the... Oh good Lord, I’m dizzy. I sit and attempt to send that memory back to wherever it lost itself in the first place, clutching my head with my hands. He went down on me, didn’t he… oh God.
“Are you okay?” he asks with an unexpected gentleness, resting his hand on my shoulder.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just a little dizzy. Please, Sebastian,” I say holding my hand, palm away, in front of my face, “please put something on?” His penis is right there… and I mean right there in front of my face as he comforts me. It’s all too familiar and I’m worried that if I have to look at that thing any longer, I’m going to remember every last thing I did to it. I just couldn’t cope with that right now.
“Sure, no problem,” he says softly and understandingly.
As he moves around the room, collecting a sock from here, a shoe from there, I remain seated. There’s really little else I can do at the moment, I may even have to go back to bed. I feel horrendous and am suffering from the most hideous ‘day after’ anxiety. I know I’m going to remember what I did and said soon enough, but I’m petrified of it. Just how close did I let this man get?
When he is dressed, he sits next to me on the bed, saying nothing for a few moments before playfully and gently bumping his shoulder into mine. “Hey,” he whispers, “don’t freak out. Okay? I think you’re an amazing woman, Lex, and you really don’t have anything to worry about, about last night. You didn’t do or say anything embarrassing, and everything we did together was…”
I groan and drop my face into my hands. This is just so mortifying; I’ve never had to sit on my bed and have this ‘morning after’ chat before. “Hey, really, it’s all cool. Are you sure you want me to go? I could just lie with you for a while, you can fall asleep on me and we’ll watch the snow together. I promise I’ll keep my clothes on,” he says with a chuckle and I’m warming to this sensitive side of him, but as much as I’d love to lie down with a testosterone heavy gentleman to soothe away my angst and headache, I really want him to just go. The sooner I’m away from him and back to my normal feelings about this guy, the better.
“Thank you, Sebastian, but I think it’ll be best all round if you leave. I’m sorry to have done whatever I did last night, I shouldn’t have led you to believe anything like that might happen again… not that I know what actually happened. I’d really appreciate it if we could just go back to the way we were before this.”
He nods silently and I watch his face as he forces a smile. It’s almost disappointment that I’m seeing, but definitely not from a guy like Sebastian, surely? He’s a cock-sure manipulator of women who will be congratulating himself on yet another conquest; he’s most certainly not feeling disappointed at my asking him to leave. “Sure, that’s fine Alexia. I’m going to continue to ask you out again, though, okay?”
I smile. “Okay. I’ll continue to say no, though, okay?”
“Okay.”
He stands up and collects his cell from the table. “Before I leave, Alexia, I don’t suppose you’d have a spare toothbrush?” I can sympathise, I’m feeling much the same way and am thoroughly excited at the prospect of brushing the alcohol and sleep from my teeth and gums.
“Sure, in the drawer next to the sink you’ll find a supply of spares.”
“Thank you, Lex.”
He strolls to the bathroom and I leave him to it, I’ll clean mine once he’s gone; I’m not really in the mood to be role playing husband and wife at the sink. I look at my oh-so-tempting pillows and decide that I don’t need to wait for him to leave, I’m curling up right now and he can slip out when he’s done with his teeth.
I know it’s not exactly the most appropriate behaviour for the hostess to be asleep when a guest leaves, but I think appropriateness has gone out of the window given my decorum, or lack thereof, over the past twelve hours.
I pull the covers back and crawl into my warm and welcoming bed, covering myself and nuzzling my deliciously cosy pillows. I’m really not one of those people who loves to relax in bed or sleep during the day, but today I’m feeling sorry for myself and can’t think of any other way to reme
dy this.
~~~~~~~
So I’m showered, dressed and making my bed some three hours later, stomach rumbling and mind racing. I now remember that I definitely sucked him off, and he definitely returned the favour – waking me up in the process, much to my delight at the time. I lost my mind, temporarily. I hate being woken up in the night, especially by sex pests… and Sebastian Love no less!
I’m also now wondering what my friends and brother know of last night. Did they stay over here? Do they know he came to my bedroom? Oh good Lord, were we loud? Oh my, today is going to be tough, I’m not in any kind of mood for teasing or rehashing, mainly because Alexia Berkeley never has to rehash ‘last night’. I feel particularly vile that I might have to start now, mid thirties, a well established person of professionalism and integrity with an exceptional reputation… a Berkeley! My mother did not raise me to get drunk and flaunt my sexual pursuits in front of friends and family. I am supposed to be a lady!
I open my curtains, running my hands down the thick, rich fabric to tie them back, trying to recall closing them. I definitely didn’t do it while Sebastian was here and I’m sure I haven’t woken and closed them since I fell asleep as he cleaned his teeth. Maybe he did it? No, Marsha must have crept in as I slept – I can’t see Sebastian thinking of anything other than his penis for more that thirty seconds.
And so yes… that; the penis. I had a good, long suck on that thing. And from what I remember, I really enjoyed it. I don’t usually get so invested in cock, but last night, I can remember feeling well and truly at one with it; ‘it’ and I were having a full on, passionate affair and I thought it was the best damn cock that ever walked the earth. Or hung between the legs of the person that walked the earth… or whatever. Good to know pedantry lives on in my mind, even during extreme anxiety.
And then there was the other – now let’s forget for five minutes that it was Se… ‘That man’ that was doing it to me - for some reason just using his name when discussing those activities seems so wrong. But forgetting it was him, I will say that it was absolutely the best oral sex that I’ve ever experienced, and it really does pain me to admit that.
Oral sex is usually one of those things one does to give the other person a sense of accomplishment… ‘Oh yes, you’re so good at using your tongue to inadequately lick at my vagina, using it like it’s a melting popsicle; and it’s just so good that I’m attempting to make my groan of absolute, thorough boredom sound sexy so you feel great about yourself, as I lie here with my head and shoulders above the sheets, filing my nails, waiting for it to be over so we can just fuck.’
But last night; reshaping my nails couldn’t have been further from my mind. And those moans? They were legitimate, uncontrollable wails. I mean, if that were someone else, I’d be begging for him to do it again and again until either his tongue or my ‘lala’ no longer had any feeling left in it. Damn, why does it have to be him?
Shaking those thoughts of his tongue and fingers playing me like his most prized musical instrument, I open my bedroom door and prepare for what is about to occur. I am a strong, respected woman, the Chief Marketing Officer at the huge, worldwide corporation that I partially own for heavens sake. I head make-or-break meetings with some of our most valued and respected clients. I hire people, fire people, give inspiration to so many of the women who work with and for me to become exactly the women they want to be. Yet I’m afraid of a little teasing from my brother and friends about my rare, drunken behaviour last night. I need to get on top of this.
As I make the slow journey down the stairs, I take a deep breath and rest a hand on my stomach, forcing that calm smile on my face that always sees me through a stressful moment at work. I can do this.
Taking that final step and landing in the living room, all I hear is the gentle classical music that always flows through this floor of the house, the crackles and pops of the logs on the fire, and the pots and pans making distant noise in the kitchen.
I take a long look around the room to find nothing but scented Christmas candles flickering away; there’s nobody here. My body relaxes in relief, so much so that I practically collapse on the floor. No teasing for now, thank God.
Walking over to the fire, I lower myself onto one of my couches and rest back with a long, deep and soothing sigh. How I can feel exhausted having spent all day in bed, I don’t know, but I can’t seem to wake up today.
Maybe it’s all the worrying, maybe the alcohol. Yes, that’ll be what it is, I don’t know why I suddenly feel so compelled to drink so much when I’m out with these people; Sebastian in particular. I know before I set out that I mustn’t drink much when he’s involved, yet every time, I go overboard and do the exact opposite, becoming so intoxicated that I do and say things to completely betray my respectable self. I need to find out where the point of no return is and remember never to go that far again.
“Good afternoon, Miss Berkeley,” Marsha’s soft voice stirs me from my thoughts.
“Oh, good afternoon, Marsha, and I don’t know how many times I have to tell you – call me Alexia, please?”
She walks towards me with a small tray of something steamy, and smiles, resting the tray on the coffee table. “Oh, I know, I’m sorry, Alexia, it just comes naturally to call you Miss Berkeley. I thought you’d like something to eat so I made soup. I know you don’t eat much bread, but I made a batch of fresh granary buns just in case you were feeling tired.”
I grin. “Is that your way of saying ‘just in case I’m hung-over’?”
She bows her head slightly and smiles. “Well, I would never assume that of you, but I saw your brother and Miss Hart, and your other friends this morning - they were all a little worse for wear, so…”
I laugh. “I bet they were. Thank you, that’s thoughtful of you. And thank you so much for cleaning all of the mess up, I was fully prepared to do that myself.”
“Oh, no, that wasn’t me, your friends wouldn’t let me. They cleaned it all. I ran the vacuum cleaner over as I would any day, but last night’s fun was all taken care of.”
“Oh, really?” I look at her in question, surprised.
“Uh huh, Mr Love and Mr Winters came down a few hours ago at about the same time Mr B. and Miss Hart woke up. They did everything in here and then I made them all something to eat before they left. Mr Love even did the washing up! I told him we have a perfectly adequate dishwasher but as the champagne flutes needed to be hand-washed, he insisted on hand-washing everything else for me, too.”
Sebastian washed up? Well that’s something I would never have expected of him! I giggle at the thought. “Wow.”
“I know,” she says in agreement with a cheeky grin on her face. “Now that you’re up, I’ll go and strip the linens on the beds that they used.”
Oh God. “Oh, um… it’ll just be the one bed that needs changing, thank you.”
“They slept in the same bed? I didn’t realise they were a cou… oh gosh, I’m sorry,” she says, and I see her face straighten as she realises she’s being nosy. “I’ll go and change their bed now.”
I can’t believe I’m about to admit this, but it’s coming out and I can’t stop it. “Oh no, they’re not gay. Cole slept on his own.”
She frowns in confusion and simply nods. I look up at her face and smile as she finishes unloading the tray, and then – it clicks. She looks at me with her eyebrows raised and a grin slowly grows on her face. “Oh...”
“Uh huh.” I say, quickly, focusing on the food on the table, hoping to avoid further talk on the subject, and Marsha clearly takes the hint, simply scurrying away to make a start on the bed.
Thank goodness she’s not one for soliciting gossip, she could have made that a lot more awkward than it was. At least from that, I can gather that the subject wasn’t openly discussed at breakfast. Hopefully everyone thinks that we all slept in different bedrooms, just like Marsha did.
CHAPTER FOUR
FRIDAY 20TH DECEMBER
This morning I wake fee
ling a whole lot better. It’s a respectable 7:45 and my body is fully recovered. Although I’m still embarrassed by my actions with Sebastian - and I think I pretty much remember it all now, except maybe some of the conversation; I’m not feeling quite as anxious about the whole thing, now that the exhaustion has passed.
I recall kissing him in ‘Escobar’, which is particularly mortifying, but I also remember brushing it off as if it were nothing, which was the best thing I could possibly have done, to make it easier for myself now. I can continue to brush it off and act nonchalantly, as if it was just a fun moment of public madness that most people have experienced many a time in their lives; just maybe not in their mid-thirties.
I have my shower and get ready for a ski day with the family. I worked from my couch for most of the evening last night and am looking forward to a day away from it all, enjoying one of my favourite parts of Aspen; the Highlands.
I’m excited to see everyone again, too; I do enjoy my alone time, but I have so much of that in my life that sometimes knowing my friends and family are just around the corner - but not actually with me, can make me feel quite lonely.
I’m not one to feel sorry for myself, don’t get me wrong, but I am human, and I do sometimes want to be held at night by someone I would feel connected to enough to call my best friend and my lover. But that’s enough of that; I’m a fortunate, strong and powerful woman who doesn’t need anything from anyone. I’d just like it sometimes, is all.
Today I’m particularly looking forward to my time up in the Highland Bowl with Daniel, Luke and our friends, Queenie and Matt. It’s an exciting place to spend a couple of hours and I try to go up there at least twice during my stays here. I know Tilly had wanted to visit the Bowl, too, having accompanied Luke up here last year when she was pregnant with little Emily, and sitting out in the restaurant, ‘Merry-Go-Round’, until they had finished their hike to the top and the ski back down. I know she really enjoyed herself, but she has since expressed her determination to try it out for herself. Hopefully she’ll be able to join us up there today.
