I wanted to ask what he saw that would make him think so, but not in front of Anika. So I just lied and said, “They are.”
He stepped into the parking lot, stopping at a nice pickup parked in a staff spot.
“How did you get a spot this close?” I asked. “I practically need a map to find my car.”
He shrugged. “Perks of working on the grounds crew.”
I gave him a teasing smile. “There had to be one, right?”
“Ha ha,” he said, opening the front and back doors on the passenger side. “Get in.”
“You’re bossy,” I said.
“You’re cute.”
My cheeks heated, but I didn’t reply to his comment. I just got in the back seat, leaving Anika the front. Sitting too close to him felt like a betrayal to Jon. If I was being honest, this whole night, enjoying myself, kind of felt that way.
He drove us about a mile away to a street lined with neon signs and people walking along the sidewalks. As we stepped out of the pickup, I realized most of them were our age.
“High Street,” Eric said. “All the college kids hang out here.”
Anika’s eyes went wide. “Weed’s not legal here though.”
Eric shrugged. “Preemptive name?”
I took it all in, noticing the way some people staggered. How the girls wore even less clothing here than they did on campus. How the guys’ eyes were constantly roaming. I looked down at my own outfit, running shorts and a T-shirt. My legs weren’t even freshly shaven. Great. And how did all of these girls look so in shape and manage to have visible cleavage? I was on the track team and wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing clothes like that.
Eric took my hand and squeezed. “You’re gonna love this.”
He let go almost immediately, but my stomach was still all over the place when we got to the front doors of a place called Big Hoss Tacos. The sign up front advertised “the biggest tacos in town.”
I raised my eyebrows. We’d gone from the bell tower to this? The two places couldn’t be more at odds with each other.
“Come on,” he said, catching my look. “You have to get the full campus experience.”
“What are we here for, then?” I asked. “The freshman fifteen?”
Anika pushed my arm. “Girl, please. You’re on the track team. I’m sure you could use the calories.”
That was the thing, though. I couldn’t. I rubbed my arm. Like Nikki said, I needed to get my nutrition on point and work hard to deserve my spot on the team. Greasy red meat and full-fat sour cream didn’t exactly fit into that plan.
“I’ll have some guac,” I decided before I even followed them through the doors.
I froze, though, right in the entryway. The last person I’d expected to see was directly in front of me, having the time of his life.
Chapter Thirty
Jon sat in a booth only a few yards off, surrounded by guys I only recognized from the track team, and they had an entire platter of fatty Mexican food in front of them. There were a couple of girls there, too, squeezed in between the guys.
Jon was at the heart of it all, laughing, joking, smiling, living it up like there wasn’t a message from me on his phone that he’d read hours before, wanting to make things right.
Anika followed my eyes, and with a smile, asked. “Isn’t that Jon? We should go say hi.”
But I wasn’t smiling. I turned away and left the restaurant as fast as I could. I couldn’t stand the sight, much less the odor, of that place. I didn’t need corn and bean smells filling my nose, especially not now with my stomach turning and tears stinging my eyes.
I wiped at a few errant drops sliding down my cheeks. Why was I crying? It wasn’t like I’d caught Jon with some leggy brunette sitting in his lap and feeding him chimichangas. I’d seen him doing exactly what he’d told me he’d be doing.
But there were girls there. If girlfriends were invited, why hadn’t he asked me to come along? Anika and I could have been hanging out with him instead of some flirtatious rando I just met that week.
I spotted an empty bench outside a restaurant and fell onto it. My hands worked their way through my hair, which felt gritty since I still needed a shower. All of my insecurities rose up, bigger than ever before. I stared at the gum-speckled cement below me, trying to figure out how I’d gone from not believing in marriage to becoming one of those girls whose life revolved around a boy and a future with him.
I used to pick books from horror writers like Edgar Allen Poe and Steven King, just so I wouldn’t have to read one more page about a heroine’s life ending over rejection from a guy who couldn’t care less. I’d had enough of that from my father. I didn’t need to read it too.
But now?
No matter how much I hated it, Jon was my everything. In the span of months, he’d gone from someone I’d never even heard of to someone I couldn’t live without. But what was I to him? From the way he was acting in the restaurant, I was nothing.
Someone sat next to me on the bench, and a small, silly, romantic part of me hoped it would be Jon. That he’d seen me in the restaurant, shoved everyone away to chase me, and come to sort things out. But this was real life. My life. The furthest thing from fantasy.
So I kept my eyes down, away. Maybe if I pretended whoever it was didn’t exist, they wouldn’t ask me questions. Wouldn’t joke or make fun. After all, that sounded more realistic, and I’d had enough torment to fill my lifetime quota.
“So that’s the guy you’ve been blowing me off for?” It wasn’t the voice I’d been longing to hear. It was Eric’s.
The guy I’ve been blowing him off for? More like my boyfriend, the guy who got me on the college track team and the man I’d been not-so-secretly planning the rest of my life with.
But instead of saying all of that, I just nodded, my head still in my hands.
He gently took my shoulders and peeled me up from the pathetic heap I was in. “Hey, you’re too pretty to be sad.”
I scoffed at him. “So ugly people deserve to be sad?” If so...
“Cut me some slack, smart aleck.” He jokingly jostled my shoulders. “I’m not used to comforting girls I barely know over guys I’m jealous of.”
I wasn’t going there with a ten-foot pole. “I don’t want to eat tacos,” I said. At his snort, I added, “And don’t even think of making a joke about girls eating tacos.”
He lifted his hands. “Hey, you’re the dirty-minded one who brought it up.”
“Uh huh.”
Anika came up to us, breathless. “What is going on? I turned around and you guys were gone!”
I pulled at the hem of my shorts. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. What’s going on between you two anyway?”
I wasn’t sure whether she was asking about Eric and me or Jon and me. Either way, I said, “Nothing.” Shaking my head, I stood up. “Come on, let’s go back to the dorm.”
Eric’s eyes widened. “You want to leave?”
I gestured at my mess of a self. “I think it’s high time.”
There was barely a smirk on his face. “That’s the best you can do?”
“Under the circumstances?” I shrugged. “Just being blunt.”
That lightened the mood. A little. Jon was the first person I pun-warred with, and it just made me miss him more.
Eric drove us home, but there wasn’t much conversation. Laying my guts bare in front of him felt wrong. So, once we got back, Anika asked the million-dollar question yet again. What was going on?
It was only fair to tell her, after running out of the restaurant on her, so I did. We sat on our beds, leaning back against opposite walls, and I spilled my taco-less guts. When I finished my story about feeling inadequate and Jon’s comments from earlier, she shook her head.
“I know how you feel.”
I raised my eyebrows. How could she possibly know how I felt? Anika was beautiful. And not in the way evil head cheerleaders in movies were beautiful. In the way that you knew would last until she was o
lder with gray weaving its way through her hair. Together, she and Kyle looked like a couple from a perfume ad. All that was missing were a couple horses and a flower crown.
“Seriously.” She bit her lip, looking over her shoulder, and when her eyes met mine again, they were full of pain. “My first boyfriend. He told me he loved me, all the things you want to hear from a guy.” She rolled her eyes, fluttering her lids quickly against the moisture appearing there. Her voice turned bitter. “And then once he got what he wanted, he left. Sent me a text saying he didn’t see me as more than a friend.”
My mouth fell open, unable to find the words for how horrible that must have been.
“Jon loves you,” she said. “Kyle told me he talks about you all the time.”
I cringed, running my fingers through the end of my ponytail. “Then why does it feel this way?” Why wouldn’t he reply to my message if communicating was what relationships were all about?
“Maybe because you won’t let yourself believe you’re good enough for that kind of love. So you’re always worrying about when it’s going to end instead of enjoying what you have.”
Her words hit me like a punch to the oversized gut. If there were a magical button I could flip to love myself, I would, in a heartbeat. I’d dieted, lost weight, worked hard, started college. By everyone else’s standards, even the national statistics about kids with abusive, drug addict parents, I’d made it. So why didn’t it feel that way?
Anika gave me a knowing smile with sadness in her eyes. “It just takes time,” she said. “One day, you wake up, and you realize that the people who love you—even when you can’t love yourself—those are the people whose opinions matter.”
“But how do you get from here to there?” I asked, desperate.
“This is how I started,” she said. “When someone shows you they love you, listen.”
I fell asleep that night thinking about Anika’s words. When I woke in the morning, my phone showed new words from Jon.
Chapter Thirty-One
A knock sounded on the door at eleven in the morning. Jon was here right on time, just like he’d promised in his text message. But that was all he had promised.
I’d already gone on a two-mile run to keep my muscles working, eaten an egg white omelet, nuts, and fruits for breakfast, and knocked out homework for two of my classes. None of that had eased the tightness in my chest though.
No, only opening the door and seeing Jon there, holding two coffees and smiling at me with his bright green eyes did that.
Love. That’s what that was.
I took both the drinks from his hands, put them on my desk, and launched into his arms.
His chest lifted and fell with a slow breath. He’d needed this too. I fisted the T-shirt at his back and leaned into his shoulder, breathing it all in. His cologne, the laundry detergent he’d brought from home, the sweet ease and preciousness of every moment I had in his arms, just like this.
Why did we make it so complicated when just being together felt so good?
Jon pulled back and kissed the top of my head. “It’s good to see you too.”
I returned his smile and echoed my text from the night before. “I’m ready to talk when you are.”
“Good,” he said. “But first.” He reached around me and picked up the coffees. “I thought we could check out the library.”
My stomach twisted with guilt. I’d seen the entire campus, the dark corners of the library last night without him. But everything was new when I was with Jon.
“I’m game,” I said.
I followed him out of the room and locked the door behind me. We walked across campus together, sipping slowly from our drinks, even though it was still hot outside.
“What did you end up doing last night?” he asked.
I could tell he hadn’t seen me at Big Hoss Tacos from the way he asked, so I left my meltdown out of the conversation. “Anika and I went out with someone from class. Walked around campus, checked out High Street.”
He seemed surprised. “I didn’t see you.”
“Oh?” But I saw you. I still had the pain in my chest to prove it.
“Yeah, I went with some of the guys to get dinner after we studied,” he said. “A few of them brought their girlfriends. I wish I would have known.”
“That’s alright,” I said. I wasn’t jealous of the girlfriends. I was jealous of Jon. Of the casual way he said “some of the guys.” He was already at home in this new place, and I was still so lost. Heck, I’d felt more at home with my parents than I did here. What kind of sadistic person was I to feel so comfortable in pain that I didn’t know how to live in normalcy?
“You’re quiet,” he said.
I scuffed my toe on the sidewalk and looked up at him. “I know. I’m trying to work on that.” My voice cracked. “I don’t want to ruin this.”
“Abi.” Even though people were all around us, he stopped and put his hands on my shoulders, holding his coffee between his thumb and index finger. When I wouldn’t meet his eyes, he dipped down and caught my gaze with his own. “Abi.”
“Yes?” I asked, my voice thick.
“I want this, you and me, so much.” His words struck me in the core, and whatever hope I had left clung to every single one. “I just don’t want you to shut me out.”
“I don’t want to,” I said. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything.” He took my hand and changed direction, away from the library.
He stopped at a patch of grass away from the sidewalk, away from everyone, and got comfortable, laying on the ground. His arms were open, inviting. “Lie with me?”
I did, resting my head on his chest. With the beat of his heart in one ear and the sun warming my skin, I was melting from the inside out.
“Tell me about classes,” he prompted.
I started with communications, about the teacher who made snarky comments about people walking in late, but I couldn’t bring myself to mention Eric. I didn’t want to worry Jon over nothing. And then I talked about taking the ice bath with the girls and how I actually had a few people I knew on the track team. Maybe I wasn’t as far from finding home as I had thought.
“What happened with the nutritionist?” he asked, and I got the feeling he’d been waiting all along just for this one question.
I sighed and sat up, suddenly feeling itchy where the grass had touched my skin.
He propped himself up too. “What?” he asked.
“She’s an idiot,” I snapped. “How she managed to get a job as a nutritionist for a division one program, I have no idea.”
“It was that bad?” he asked. “Everything she told me seemed pretty standard. You know, fruits, vegetables, lean protein—what’s the deal?”
Of course Jon got the sweet version of Deborah. He was destined to be the golden boy, and I was the girl who could never be good enough, no matter how hard I tried.
“She told me I needed to bulk up.”
“What?” he scoffed. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
Part of me was hurt he immediately balked at me needing to gain weight. Like he could have told me I was slim and would look good with some more “meat on my bones.” But he was right. It was ridiculous. “I’m a distance runner,” I said. “I don’t need to be carrying around extra weight.”
“Especially when you’ve worked so hard to get to this point,” he said.
A burden the size of Texas lifted from my shoulders to have Jon on my team again. To know he recognized how hard I’d been working. It was all for him and our future.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I said. “I want to keep getting better.”
“Maybe talk to your coach?” he suggested. “Or make an appointment with a nutritionist outside of the college. There’s nothing wrong with a second opinion.”
I leaned back into his arms and hugged him. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” His palms slid up my arms to my shoulders. “Now, how about we kiss and
make up?”
“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.” I pressed my lips to his, tender, sweet, warm. His mouth parted, welcoming me in. Showing me that home had a flavor, and this was it. His hands worked up my back, gripped the hair at the base of my neck, sent shivers through my entire body until my breath came quick and my pulse came quicker.
When Jon pulled back, his lids were heavy, his eyes hazy as they landed on my mouth. “Let’s get out of here?” he asked.
“I like that idea even better.”
We spent the afternoon together doing exactly what I’d dreamed college would be like. Spending time with Jon. Exploring campus. Exploring each other and this crazy thing called love.
After a day of bliss, I went back to my dorm room and saw the only thing that could bring me right back to reality. A plain envelope and clear block lettering someone had slid under my door.
Chapter Thirty-Two
You made up? How long do you think it will last?
Fear flooded my body, making it feel like someone was there. Watching me. I ran to the door and made sure it was locked, then checked our windows, even though we were on the tenth floor. No one was getting in here.
But that didn’t keep me from checking underneath our beds, in the closets. Desperate tears clung to my lashes. I couldn’t live like this. Couldn’t be digging through my dorm room looking for a threat that may or may not exist.
And I definitely couldn’t do it alone.
So, I called the one person who had been there for me, no matter what.
She picked up after only two rings, and a smile shone in her voice. “Hi, sweetheart.”
Just Grandma’s greeting was enough to make tears prick at my eyes. “Grandma. I miss you.”
“Oh, honey. You know I’m always a phone call away.” Her words were a hug, healing and ripping. Reminding me of everything I missed from home.
I sniffed, seconds from losing it all. “I know.” My voice came out small.
“What do you need?” she asked. “How can I help?”
Abi and the Boy Who Lied Page 9
