Armed and Fabulous (Lexi Graves Mysteries)

by Camilla Chafer

  Maddox was waiting for me by my desk when I got back. "Hot date?" he asked as I dropped into my chair and foot walked to pull myself under the desk.

  "Shut up," I scowled.

  Maddox leaned over me, a pile of papers in his hand. That working together ruse was starting to wear thin for me, but as I spared a quick look from the corners of my eyes, I noticed everyone else focused on their monitors, fingers tapping away on keyboards. Maddox lowered his voice. "Seriously? He asked you out?"

  "Yes! At least, I think he did. We're going to a concert." My voice edged into a higher octave.

  "The man has balls."

  "Why? You think I'm a bad date?"

  "No. I think he has balls for asking a hot chick like you out."

  "Yeah? I don't see you asking me on a date." That was two pretties, and one hot, not that I was counting. And Saturday, I’d decided while wallowing yesterday, didn't count as a date, unless someone said the “d” word.

  Maddox's voice was low, but softer when he said, "You want to go on a date with me?"

  "Nooo." Oh, God, yes, please. The impromptu dinner at my apartment had been pretty good. It would have been a whole lot better obviously without Solomon and Lily crashing it, not to mention ending with a dead body, along with pretty much everything else in between at Flames. Unless Maddox had seriously bad dating mojo, that was unlikely to happen twice. I hoped.

  "I'll take you out when this is all over." Maddox smiled and my cynical insides melted a little. "I know where to get the best pizza in town."

  "Monty's Slices. Everyone knows that." I picked up my stapler and attacked the pile of papers in front of me.

  "Damn. How about Thai? I'll pick you up."

  "I can live with that."

  "Look at you. Five minutes, two dates." Maddox walked away before I could staple his tie to my desk. Inside, I felt pretty damn pleased with myself. I had a real date with a sexy cop.

  Chapter Ten

  Maddox had already disappeared by five so I snuck out early and went home. My answering machine flashed with messages and I pressed “play” as I unbuckled my heels and lined them up by the door.

  The first was from my mother, reminding me that Thursday night dinner had switched to Saturday because she had a crochet class; and did I remember her message about the belly-dancing outfit? Thankfully, I had forgotten all about that, its importance eclipsed by the corpses in my life. The second message was from Garrett, asking me to babysit Friday night. I deleted that one, then thought better of it and called him back. I left him a message saying I couldn't, but I would the Friday after and they could even stay out post midnight. I didn't feel comfortable looking after the kids while there was a murderer on the loose, one who might have an unhealthy interest in my reports, and thus, me. I felt confident I could look after myself, if threatened; but I wasn't sure about other people, and I'd never forgive myself if the kids got in the middle of it. Of course, there was a strong chance I'd change my mind if the kids pulled any tricks on me.

  The third message was from Lily, saying hi. Finally, I pulled out my cell phone and there was a missed call from Maddox, but no message. I felt very popular all of a sudden. Instead of calling him back, I got my notes with Serena's demands and called the suppliers, double-checking everything was still on schedule for the baby shower. It had been surprisingly easy to organize, and I was half afraid something was about to go horribly wrong.

  After I checked off my list, I called Lily back and asked her if she wanted to have a sandwich with me. Ten minutes later, she knew everything I knew from my day of snooping.

  "I might call Scott. He was cute," she said after I remembered to tell her that he said hi.

  "He's nice," I agreed. "I like him." And he was more available than my brother, but probably better not to mention that and send Lily mooning over Jord again.

  "You know what I think?" she said.

  "Tell me."

  "I think we should stake out Anne."

  "Why?"

  "Did she look ill this morning?"

  "No."

  "Exactly. Maybe she's got the money? Maybe she's gone to hide it."

  I couldn't imagine that somehow. Anne was mousey, past fifty and wouldn't say boo to a goose. But I hadn't gotten to speak to her and she was on my “unofficial suspects” list along with everyone else. It was strange that Anne went home. “I don't think I've ever seen her sick,” I told Lily.

  “Exactly,” she drawled.

  "She lives on Burlington Avenue," I said. "I mailed some letters for her once and she had these cute little address stickers. Let's go check her out."

  “You think she could have hired hit men and set them on Dean?”

  I thought about it. Then I thought about Dean’s secret hanky-spanky lifestyle. Really, who knew what other people were capable of? “Maybe,” I said.

  I drove, seeing as my car was slightly more inconspicuous than Lily's turquoise Mini, and pulled onto Burlington, around four houses away from Anne's, just as she was coming out of her house. She carried a large bag and seemed in a hurry as she climbed into a maroon sedan, gunning the engine and pulling out.

  "I don't want to break in," I said. "It doesn't seem right while Anne is alive." Also, Maddox might not be as lenient. The lights were still on in the house and a shadow moved across the window. Someone was in.

  "Yeah, plus I don't want to find any more bodies. Let's follow her. Maybe she's making a run for it. Maybe the bag is stuffed with money."

  "It didn't look heavy," I said.

  "How heavy are millions?" Lily tapped on the dashboard and pointed after Anne. "She's going to make a turn."

  "I don't know. I've never carried more than two hundred bucks and that was a really good week." I pulled out and followed, keeping a few car lengths behind Anne. We trailed her out of her neighborhood, heading downtown, staying a firm two cars behind her the whole time until she pulled into a parking lot at the Elms Community Recreation Center. I pulled in after her, just as she climbed out the car and leaned into the back. We parked on the far side of the lot and stared.

  Leaning forward, we both watched as Anne pulled the bag out, hurrying around the side of the building.

  "Definitely not making a run to the airport," I said.

  "Maybe it's the drop?" Lily gasped, opening the door. The overhead light pinged on. "Are you armed?"

  I scrabbled in my tote for any kind of weapon and found nothing. "Only with my wit," I said, climbing out after Lily and beeping the car shut.

  "Well, bring it." Lily shot off across the lot and I followed her in a half run, slowing to walk along the shadowed path to the front of the building. Lily pressed herself against the wall, to one side of the porch, and whispered, "She went inside."

  "Guess we'll have to go in too."

  The porch was dark, and one fluorescent light flickered in the lobby. The walls were littered with flyers and announcements for exercise classes and community events; and the only door that didn't lead to a kitchenette or bathrooms was straight ahead.

  I pulled the door cautiously and peeped inside, jumping when a large woman coiffed in beehive hair with a silk flower stuck in it, appeared before us.

  "Are you the new girls?" she asked, clapping her hands together.

  "Uh... yes?" I said, my eyes riveted on her hair. It seemed to be hovering over her head like a spaceship.

  "Fabulous! Wonderful!" She leaned closer. "Is this your first time?"

  "Yes?" I said, my voice sliding upwards in scale. First time for what? I wanted to ask. I couldn't remember the last time someone asked me that about anything.

  "Great. Did you bring your costumes?"

  "Pardon?"

  "Your costumes, ladies."

  "No, sorry. We didn't realize," said Lily, trying to edge her way past in order to get a better view.

  "Oh, well. Maybe you just want to watch?"

  "Yes!" I latched onto that gratefully. Watching I could do. Participating might prove a problem, given that I c
ouldn't fathom what Anne was doing under the dim illumination. Across the room was a small stage, with a couple of women milling around on it.

  "Well, alright. You can sit over there. Hello, ladies!" she called as the door opened behind us and we were swept forward.

  "What the hell is going on?" asked Lily as we slunk along the back wall. "This doesn't look like a drop site. Do you think they're all in on it? Like one of those bad ass female gangs?"

  I looked at the women. I couldn’t see that somehow. They all looked like, well, normal, but then who could tell? Maybe they were gang moms. "You watch too much television." I picked out two chairs and pushed them into the corner.

  "Do not."

  "Do too."

  We shut up then because the music started up, a big bass streaming through the speakers. A flutter of movement on the stage at the far end of the room drew my attention. Seven women stood in a vee formation; front and center; but dressed in a black corset, a skirt that wasn't much more than a ruffle of material, fishnets and Victorian-style lace-up boots was Anne! Her hair was swept back, her cheeks rouged, glasses gone, and she looked far from the dowdy Anne I knew. Like the other women, she held two large feather fans. Beehive woman stood on the floor below the stage and called time. Working as one, they danced, stomped, and high kicked around the stage, the fans working over time during the more risqué moments.

  "Anne does burlesque?" I whispered incredulously.

  "Well, she sure is shaking it!" Lily clapped.

  We watched, captivated, as they went through the routine again, this time ending with Anne disappearing behind the fans and reappearing in only her lingerie. It was like a car crash moment. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I had to keep looking even as my jaw dropped open. Beside me, Lily whooped and all eyes shot in our direction. Anne took one look at me, panic registering in her eyes and she hurried off stage.

  "Time to go," I said and we slunk towards the door.

  "Lexi?" I halted at Anne's voice, Lily slid into me, and straightened up.

  "Oh, hiiii!" I said, far too enthusiastically.

  "What are you doing here?" Anne had wrapped a short robe around herself, her fishnets peeking out from underneath.

  "We were...just...um..."

  "Are you thinking about joining the troupe? We need a couple more." Anne looked from me to squint at Lily, sizing up our burlesque potential.

  "It looks too energetic for me. Lily wanted moral support to check it out." Next to me, Lily nodded like a bobble-head. "I thought you were ill?" I said.

  "Oh, please," Anne rolled her eyes, batting off my suspicion. "Like you've never snuck out when you're supposed to be working."

  "Touché," I conceded, wondering if everyone on the team knew about my slacker habits. "Do you know where belly-dancing outfits are sold?" I asked, remembering my mother’s message.

  Anne frowned. "There's a dance shop near the train station. They have all kinds of stuff. I've seen those sarongs with the sequins. That could work."

  "Thanks."

  "We rehearse every Monday and Thursday at seven," said Anne. "Come and try it. We've all learned some great new moves for the bedroom." And with a wink, and a rustle of silk, she sashayed back to the stage. We slunk out. Lily thrilled. Me, horrified.

  "You sure you don't want to learn some new moves to wow Maddox in the bedroom?" asked Lily, as we walked around the side of the building to my car.

  "First off, I have moves. Secondly, Maddox isn't in my bedroom."

  "Are they the same moves that you learned when you took your sex training wheels off?"

  "Possibly. But if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

  "Oh, sweetie," sighed Lily. "We have got to get you some new moves."

  Later, I was sure I would have a great retort for that, but right then, I grabbed Lily's arm and we skidded to a halt a couple of feet from my car. Something was stuck under my wipers against the windshield.

  "What is that?" asked Lily.

  "I don't know." We stepped forward together and I frowned. I pried the wiper open and pulled out the clump of foliage, careful not to catch my fingers on the thorns. "It looks like a bouquet of thorny rose stems. All the heads have been chopped off."

  "Do you think it's a warning? Oh my God, Lexi, someone wants to chop your head off!" Lily grabbed my arm and I jumped.

  I dropped the stems on the floor of the lot, and screaming in unison, we scrambled into the car and I hit the automatic locks. For a moment, we sat there, terrified, then Lily went rigid and whispered, "What if the murderer is in the car with us?"

  I never exited a car so fast in my life.

  "What do we do now?" I said as we inspected the car, from five feet away. It looked ominous under the patchy lighting, like it was going to come alive any moment and mow us down.

  "We could call Maddox and get him to take us home."

  "And tell him what? That we were scared of a bunch of rose stems?"

  "No, that there's a murderer in the car. Can we call one of your brothers?"

  "Are you kidding me? This would be their favorite story for months. I would never hear the end of it. Someone will probably put it out on the police channel and the whole MPD will know we're big wusses!"

  Lily considered that as she played with the zipper on her jacket. "Good point. What are we going to do?"

  "We'll check the back seat and the trunk for any sign of the murderer."

  "Okay."

  Neither of us moved.

  "You first," said Lily.

  I ran forward, pulled open the rear door and ran back.

  "Well?"

  I pulled a face. "I forgot to look." I crept forward but still gave the car wide berth. From three feet away, I could see the flat, and very empty, backseat of the car. When I felt a cold hand on my wrist, I jumped and screamed, then Lily screamed. Then we both screamed together. Finally, with my heart rate beating faster than a crackhead drummer at a rock concert, I grabbed the baseball bat I kept on the rear floor for emergency carjackings—well, you never know—and slammed the door shut.

  "Why did you scream?" asked Lily.

  "You scared me! I thought you were waiting over there." I flapped a hand towards where we were standing. “And your hands are really cold.”

  "Sorry. Have you thought about getting throw pillows for the back seat?"

  I gave her The Look. "No, never."

  "Let's check the trunk."

  "Your turn." I pressed the button on the key fob and the trunk popped open. Lily crept forward, then around the car and leaned in. All of a sudden, she pitched forward and screamed, her legs disappearing from view. I gripped the baseball bat harder and ran forward, determined to beat the living crap out of whoever had pulled Lily in. My face twisted with anger, a bloodcurdling warrior's shriek on my lips, I raised my bat and… stopped.

  Lily sat in my trunk, giggling. "Gotcha!" she said. "It's empty. You should at least keep a flashlight in here, you know, for emergencies."

  "I have a mind to close the trunk with you in it."

  "I'll bash out your taillights," she said. "And you'll get charged with kidnapping."

  That decided it. "I need a drink."

  Lily perked up and held out a hand. "You buying?"

  Three double vodka and Cokes later, I wasn't confident about my ability to drive home without mowing down pedestrians and wiping out my car.

  "I think we need to call for a ride home," I said, raising my hand to the bartender and ordering two more drinks.

  "Tha shounds lik a gud idea," slurred Lily. "A big schlong man."

  I was fairly certain she meant “strong,” but I didn't like to correct her just in case she really meant what she said. The problem was, whom to call? I could call Maddox, but I fancied him and he was sort of my boss in my temping job, and sort of my boss in my super secret spy job. I did not want him to see me drunk again, right after putting me to bed Saturday night when I drank a couple too many medicinal beers.

  Any one of my brothers woul
d have picked us up, but like I said earlier, they would have made sure that I was the butt of every joke for months to come. Besides, I IOU’d Garrett too many babysitting vouchers already. Daniel would tell Alice, who would immediately telephone Traci, who would probably tell my mom. And Lily would probably drool all over Jord. "Is there anyone you can call?" I asked Lily.

  She smiled and rested her head on the bar. "Officer Tasty," she said, smiling.

  I figured as much. That left one person to call.

  Solomon walked in a half hour, and two more drinks, later. He pulled the stool out next to mine and sat down, ordering a beer from the bartender. His jeans wore worn, and his shirt untucked, with a couple of buttons open at the neck. I liked his casual attire just as much as I liked the way his sleek, black, work pants clung to his legs and hips. It was the first time I’d seen him clean-shaven and he looked even better than before.

  "Are you really that drunk?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips. I couldn't tell if he were amused or making some kind of comment about my drinking. He certainly didn't seem upset about playing my chivalrous knight.

  "Yesh."

  "We've hadda very shcary evenink. Alcohol was definitely necsheshary," said Lily as she hiccupped. She looked at him and sighed. “Prinshe of schecsky darknesh,” she slurred, smiling goofily at him.

  Solomon looked at me. “What did she say?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Lily turned away and waved her fingers at the barman she had been eyeing during the past three drinks. She pointed to her glass, making a “one more” sign. "Exshcoozhe me. Bashroom," she said to us before knocking back her drink and walked shakily to the bathrooms at the rear, her skirt swinging cutely around her knees.

  "She's going to have a terrific hangover," said Solomon. "What was so scary about this evening that you needed to drain the bar?"

  "Someone left roses on my car, except all the heads were cut off. Then Lily thought there was a murderer hiding in the car so we had to get out. And then..." I'm ashamed to say I did some kind of crazy arm waving move. "… And then she pretended to get pulled into the trunk, and I thought she was being murdered and needed rescuing. You can't tell anyone!" I slammed to a stop.