“I know.” He admitted. There was no point in denying it. He had no excuse. No reason that he could give her for not visiting.
She shifted slightly, angling the box toward him.
“I thought that you might want these…” She thrust the box forward and in such a way that Chris was forced to accept it. “It’s just some old photos of the two of you and a few of Tony’s things that he would have wanted you to have.”
“Anna, I…” He began.
“Don’t.” She held up a hand to stop whatever speech he had been about to make. “I have no idea what is going on with you, Chris. I’m not going to pretend that I have any idea what happened over there. They aren’t telling any of us until after the investigation is complete. All that I know is that Tony was your best friend. You two shared so much, and I want you to know that the kids and I still consider you a part of the family.”
“Anyway…” She continued, “We are all mourning his loss. I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone. Stop by sometime.” She turned to leave. “The kids would love to hear some old stories about their dad.”
Before he could respond, she was walking down the sidewalk to her vehicle.
Chris felt as if he had been punched in the gut. The last thing that he had expected today was a confrontation with Tony’s widow. Whether he wanted to help the family through this rough time or not, he simply could not. It was not an option. There was too much that he could not explain to them. Too much that he could never share with them about their father’s last moments.
Guilt crashed over him and he slammed the door so that it shook in its hinges.
Almost immediately, a second soft tap sounded on the door and Chris took a moment to collect himself. He had no idea what Anna might have returned for, but he felt as if he deserved more of her anger than he had yet received.
He prepared himself to apologize to her. With a deep breath of preparation he opened the door once again.
To his astonishment, it was not Annabelle, but Nathan who stood outside of his door. It took a moment for Chris to collect himself. He stared at him in dumb silence for a moment before greeting him with a frazzled grin.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, incredulous. He knew that he owed Nathan an apology as well. It appeared as if that was the theme for the day.
Nathan shot him a killer smile that caught him off guard. If anything, he had expected his anger for his earlier behavior this afternoon. Why was he being so friendly? The smile shot through him, making him feel suddenly warm.
“I’ve decided to take you up on your offer.” Nathan said, archly. Chris struggled to remember what offer he had made. “A date.” He explained.
The memory of his joking offer returned to him.
“In exchange for information?” Chris's voice made it clear that he was not actually a fan of this option.
“Nope.” Nathan smiled. “Just a date.” Chris stared at him with suspicion. “What’s the catch?” He asked.
“No catch.” Nathan continued to stare at him with an honest grin. “I would love to help you. If it ever comes to the point where you want to talk with me, I will be willing to listen. Until then, or perhaps never, I’ve decided that we might as well get to know each other a little better. Either way, I don’t think that we are going to get anywhere with formal sessions.”
Chris narrowed his eyes.
“What if I never talk?” He asked. He still had no intention of sharing his story. He would love to take Nathan on a date, but not if he was only interested in information.
Nathan shrugged. “Then I’ll write my report and we will both have to hope that the investigators can piece together the case on their own.”
Chris knew, without a doubt, that they never would. Without his testimony they would be unable to determine with any certainty, how the men had died. That was a secret that Chris was prepared to take to his grave. He only hoped that his previous records would be enough to preserve his career, despite the suspicion that had been cast over his name.
“I’ll grab my keys.” Chris slipped inside the door for a moment to grab the keys to his bike. If Nathan was open to the idea of a date, he was not going to wait long enough for him to change his mind.
When he moved to climb on top of his own bike, Chris shook his head. He patted the seat behind him, indicating that he intended for them to ride together.
Nathan raised an eyebrow, laughing. “Where are we going?” His laughter sent tendrils of excitement through Chris' body.
“I think a ride along the coast would be nice.” Chris explained as Nathan settled himself behind him. “Afterward, we could grab some dinner?”
Nathan expressed his satisfaction with the plan. He found Chris much more relaxed outside of the office environment and, he had to admit, that he took great pleasure in his casual company. The pair of them interacted together like old friends.
By the time that they had stopped for dinner, Nathan was shocked at how much Chris seemed to have opened up to him. As they sat and ate at the local steakhouse, they shared stories about their childhood, families, and personal interests.
Nathan learned much about Chris’s relationship with his Navy Seal unit. Though, he noted, Chris pointedly avoided any discussion about their final mission. The men had been close, very close, it seemed. They spent every waking moment together while on duty and, when off, visited each other frequently.
Chris was the leader of the unit and he had trusted his men without question. Nathan learned that Chris was the godparent to Tony’s oldest son. he had tried to ask him if he had visited the Pomeretti family since the death of their father, but Chris quickly changed the subject.
“I'll be a minute,” Chris gestured with his head to the men's room.
Nathan nodded.
While Chris was gone, Nathan wondered how a man so obviously devoted to his friends could isolate himself so completely after their deaths. There was more to the story. Something that Chris did not want to talk about. He was sure of it, but he did not push any further.
Instead, when Chris returned, he allowed the conversation to turn toward himself. He allowed Chris to ask him some questions, too, and therefore divert the attention away from the sensitive topic. Nathan hoped that one day he would open up completely to him. He realized that he wanted him to open up to him on a personal level. He wanted to know him completely.
He also realized that a part of him wondered if there was a future for them as a pair. He had learned long ago that there could never be a future if secrets existed. He would never be able to fully trust Chris until he knew for certain what had happened to his teammates.
A few hours later, Chris pulled the bike back up the hill of his driveway. Nathan swung his leg over the seat. The gentle hum of the motor had made his legs feel numb and shaky. It was similar to the feeling that he would experience when getting off of a boat after a lengthy excursion. He waited for his strength to return.
“I should get going.” Nathan gestured toward his own motorcycle parked on the pavement. The truth was that the evening had been perfect and he did not want it to end.
Chris gestured toward the front door.
“If you have somewhere to be, that’s fine." Chris' smile made his already weak legs shake. “But, you are welcome to come inside. If you’d like.”
Nathan very much wanted to join him inside the house. The look in his eyes told him that this was no casual invitation. The electric current that had passed between them all night was at its peak. They had both been thinking about it, had both been feeling it, but neither had made any attempt to address their attraction in any obvious way.
Nathan took a shaky breath. He knew that this was a pivotal moment for them, both on a personal level as well as professional. If he overstepped the boundary of propriety he might ruin any chance he had to help Chris. On the other hand, they had already crossed that line long before they knew that he was his patient. A small voice in his head told h
im that if he did not give in to this need it would only make their passion grow to the point of insanity.
Like an itch the needed to be scratched, he could not resist.
He gave a slow nod, and a shy smile crossed his lips. The look of utter surprise that took over Chris’s features had already made the decision worth it. Chris had honestly expected him to decline.
“Are you sure?”
Nathan could tell that Chris was battling the same choices that he was. Unfortunately they had both already had a sample of what it meant to be together, and neither could ignore the desire to experience it properly this time.
“Yes, I’m sure.” His voice was barely more than a whisper.
Chris cleared his throat and moved to unlock the door. He made some comment about how he had beer and wine in the refrigerator, but Nathan was not listening.
The moment he heard the door click shut behind him, he spun on his heel and pressed his lips against his. He had expected resistance, or at least confusion, but Chris met him with a hunger that matched his own.
He curled his fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled himself against him. The pressure of their bodies was fire and ice. Nathan’s mind was overwrought with sensation.
There was no point in waiting, he told himself. This was the call between their souls that needed to be answered. This was the reason he was here. He knew it. Chris knew it. There was no point in prolonging the inevitable.
He picked at the buttons of his shirt until he had opened the front completely. His hands slipped inside and he nearly groaned when they met the hardened muscles and heated skin. Had he known that Chris was not wearing an undershirt, he probably would have ripped it open much earlier in the night.
He could hear, and feel, Chris’s chuckle against his mouth. He did not care if he found his impatience amusing. At this very moment, his mind was focused only on one thing. Their mutual satisfaction.
His hands slipped to the clasp of his jeans and Chris’s laughter died on his lips. With a sudden ferocity that he had yet to exhibit previously, he slipped an arm around his shoulder and pushed him towards the bedroom with a strength that surprised Nathan afresh.
The next thing that he knew, he was being gently eased down onto a plain blue coverlet. He could not have told you the path the led from the main door to the bedroom. He had been much too focused on exploring the rigid muscles and tendons of Chris’s neck and shoulders as they walked, pressed together.
Nathan undressed himself, discarding his jeans and underwear at the same time. He peeled his shirt over his head and stood, naked, in the half-light of the room.
Chris’s pupils contracted and his grin showed blatant appreciation for his body.
Nathan lay back among the pillows and waited for his lover to join him. This time, they would have much more freedom to explore one another. This time, he fully intended on memorizing every detail of his body and the sensations that passed between them.
Much like everything else in his life, Chris threw himself into their lovemaking with gusto. His hands moved over Nathan, as he massaged and kneaded every inch of his skin, from his tired legs to the corded tension of his neck. By the time he was finished, his entire body felt like a melted stick of butter.
When Nathan thought he was finished his surprisingly-consummate massage, his mouth took over the path that his hands had just traced. His tongue flicked over his sensitive skin. His breath, rippled over the areas that had been dampened by his mouth, causing a chill to race across Nathan's skin.
He had closed his eyes, enjoying the pure sensation of his touch along his body. It was for that reason that he had not been prepared for Chris's mouth to settle over the aching heat where his legs joined together.
His body jerked and a hand rushed downward to block his actions. Chris raised his head with an amused grin.
“Haven’t you ever?” he began, but he was quickly answered with a shake of the head.
Chris' expression settled into a surprisingly-gentle smile. Slowly, his fingers began to knead the muscles on his inner thigh, inching their way up toward where his hand still covered his pelvis.
Chris' breath tickled his hand. He had been about to move, to refuse, but the aching inside of him increased so much that he found himself, for the first time, wanted to feel the heat of his mouth against him.
Chris's fingers continued to work their concentric circles along his thighs. Nathan found himself relaxing, allowing his legs to ease apart with his guidance. He removed his hand and made eye contact with Chris. He was nervous, though for what reason he would later wonder. The moment that his mouth settled over his shaft, Nathan found his eyes fluttering closed and his head tilting back as he enjoyed a sensation unlike any that he had ever felt before.
His tongue moved slowly across his flesh, making him want to press himself against him. He wanted more, but he could not find the words to tell him.
Instead, he let his body communicate his pleasure. He moved his hips, gasping and crying out as the streaks of pleasure raced through him.
When he thought that he could stand it no longer, Chris moved up to lie beside him. He felt the pressure of his erection against his side, and a shiver ran through his body Nathan was so close, and yet Chris prolonged his torture. Nathan shifted his hips against him and he felt Chris' smile against his neck. He turned his head and joined his mouth to his, pressing his tongue against his own in a rhythm that matched the jostle of his hips as he moved behind him.
He sighed out as he entered him. It was all that Nathan could do not to scream in white-hot ecstacy. Something about this moment was so perfect, and pure, that he could barely hold back the pleasure that was threatening to take over.
Together they moved, as if they were of one mind and spirit. he felt him drive against him and he knew that he was fighting the inevitable as well. With a moan of satisfaction, he gave in to the sensation and allowed the waves to crash around them.
Chapter 10
In the early morning hours, Nathan found himself walking silently to the kitchen for a glass of water.
If he had thought that their lovemaking was an itch that could have been scratched, he had been sorely mistaken. Though they had made love numerous times during the course of the evening, interspersed with leisurely naps and even an excursion into the shower, Nathan found that his desire for Chris was far from being sated. If anything, it only grew as they found new ways to share in their mutual pleasure.
He gulped the water gratefully while leaning against the counter. The pale light of the rising sun cast leisurely shadows across the room. It was several minutes, therefore, before he noticed the box that lay haphazardly at the top of the garbage bin.
Normally, it would not have interested him in the slightest. However, a thin ray of light flickered through the window to reveal that the box was, in fact, filled with photographs and other memorabilia.
From the other side of the kitchen, Nathan could already see that the photos showcased two men who were smiling into the lens of the camera.
He walked silently toward the bin and peered inside of the box. His worst suspicions were confirmed when he realized that the photos were a collection of memories that had passed between Chris and Tony Pomeretti.
He tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut. He pulled a handful of the photos from the box and began to shift through them. One after another, the faces of the smiling best friends stared up at him. What had changed? Why was Chris so determined to forget his men, and to forget his friend?
The creak of the floorboard in the hallway left him frozen in the moment.
Chris stood in the pale light of the doorway, watching him with guarded eyes.
“What are you doing?” His voice was calm. Too calm.
“I was just…” Nathan could not bring himself to fabricate an excuse. “Chris, we need to talk about this.” Nathan held up some photographs that were clasped in his hand.
In one swift motion Chris entered the room. Bef
ore Nathan knew what was happening he had been relieved of the images and the trash bin was being resolutely relocated to the other side of a door, which he assumed was a pantry.
“There.” Chris stated with a simple finality. “Taken care of.” Nathan understood what he meant. Out of sight. Out of mind.
“Chris, that’s not how that works.” He was at a loss for words. How could he ask him to explain without driving him away?
“I think you should go.” Chris's voice was calm and cool. Nathan did not like the sound of it. It was as if he was emotionally detached. He had constructed walls around the issue, and around himself. Nathan was shut out.
“Really?” Nathan asked. His voice was ragged with hurt. “Is that how this works?” He felt this on a level completely different to that of a difficult case. Chris was not a patient. He was so much more, and he found himself needing a solid answer for the reason that he was pushing him away.
When Chris remained silent in the darkened kitchen, Nathan continued.
“You just sleep with me, and then kick me out when something personal comes up?” His gaze “That’s not what…”
“No?” he cut him off. “Because I’m pretty sure that there is more to this,” he gestured toward the door which hid box of memorabilia, “than you are telling me.”
“It’s none of your business.” he countered.
“None of my business?” His voice sounded cold. Frozen in a way that even Nathan did not recognize. “None of my business to know what kind of person I am letting into my life?” he knew that his words were cruel, but for the first time he had been afraid that Chris might have harmed his teammates.
“You don’t trust me?” Chris's voice was barely a whisper, as if the entire future of their relationship, of his life, rested on his answer.
“Of course I trust you.” Nathan sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “I just don’t understand. Are you the person that I know, that I trust, or are you something else? Something dangerous?”
He watched as the walls around Chris deflated. He released a deep sigh and held a hand out for him to accept. With a tentative glance, he did. He led him back to the bedroom where they lay cradled in the safety and warmth of the bed-covers. Chris toyed with a lock of hair at his shoulder while he waited for him to begin.
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