Chris's mouth settled over his own with a gentleness that he would have never expected from him. Nathan wrapped his arms around his chest and allowed him to pull him closer.
“I love you Nathan Bennett,” he whispered against his lips. “I love you too,” he confirmed.
“Now that you know that I’m not a murderer?” His teeth pulled at his lower lip and his hands moved along the small of his back.
Nathan laughed. “I always knew that you were innocent.” He tilted his head and raised one eyebrow. “Did you?”
“Well…” Nathan wrapped his arms around his chest more tightly, “I might have wondered a few times. Bikers can have a bad reputation, you know.”
His deep laughter was infectious. “I think it was the Harley that won you over.”
“That might have had something to do with it.” Nathan winked. He knew that their shared interest had opened the door to their relationship, but he also knew that, even without it, he and Chris were about to share in something special, something that would last a lifetime.
The End
Straight into His Arms
Nathan has it all—at least that’s what he thought. He’s worked his ass off his whole life to build an enviable career as an investment banker, and now he’s finally been given the big-time promotion he’s been coveting since he moved to NYC. But when he doesn’t have a single soul to call on to share in his big news, Nathan starts to wonder if his priorities need reorganizing.
Determined to set things right and actually start living his life—tonight—Nathan wanders into a hot and steamy nightclub and discovers that the list of things he’s been missing out on is much longer than he ever could have imagined…
1
“I love you, Nathan. I really do. But I can’t be your secret anymore. I love you to the moon and back, but...”
“But you can’t be with me, right?” I interrupted him in between and finished his sentence. I knew that our love had just died a tragic death, but we were both hesitant to say it out loud.
As our lips met one last time, I closed my eyes and soaked up his presence. I inhaled his essence and relived the last six months that we had spent together in that single moment. His warmth made my heart melt, but I knew that I had to rip the bandage off clean. Even though it was hurting me and making my heart shatter into a trillion pieces; even though I knew that I would regret it for the rest of my life, I knew that I had to set him free. It was the right thing to do.
The moment we parted lips, I knew that it was our farewell. I could taste his presence lingering in my mouth, and it began to taste like poison. Jake was like a drug that I needed to survive, and the thought of living my life without him devastated me at my core.
“This is it, Nathan. I hope you find whatever it is that you’re searching for.” Those were Jake’s last words before he turned and walked swiftly away. I stood there and watched longingly as he departed, trying to memorize the way my face had been reflected in his haunting hazel eyes. I kept my eyes on him until his silhouette completely disappeared. He was gone.
I wanted to scream his name to bring him back, but my mouth was sealed firmly shut. I could feel my lungs collapsing and my heart beginning to rupture as the prospect of living in a world without Jake started to settle in.
Tears started to fall aimlessly from my eyes as I sat down right there on the ground. A numbness began to take over my entire body. It was as if even gravity wasn’t able to hold me together as I felt each and every cell of my being begin to die, all at the same time. I tried to wipe my tears with my sleeve, but they showed no sign of letting up.
As I closed my eyes, I started to feel everything around me moving at its own pace. I could hear the loud noise of New York City around me, people going about their daily business. It was strange to know that the entire world was somehow able to carry on, without even acknowledging the catastrophic event that had completely changed my life. I, on the other hand, I was barely able to breathe on my own.
I could only see darkness, and in that darkness, my entire life started to flash in front of my eyes. It took me back to the day when I had met Jake for the first time. Though it happened just six months back, I realized that I was an entirely different person back then. I had full control over my life and I had known exactly what I wanted.
At that time, all I wanted to be was successful. It turned out that I was merely looking for happiness, which Jake was able to bring into my life. It had never occurred to me that our lives that had always been so closely knit, would end up unraveling at such a fast pace. If only I had known that Jake could leave me so effortlessly, I might have held a tighter grip. I would have said or done something different the day when we had met for the very first time.
*****
“Congratulations on your new promotion Nathan!” my boss said while presenting a few papers for me to sign, thereby completing the process. I had worked days and nights to get that promotion, and as I heard him saying those words, for a moment I didn’t believe it.
When the rest of my colleagues were informed of my good news, their reactions were decidedly neutral. Almost all of them knew that I would be getting the big jump, and none of them seemed particularly happy about it. I asked them to join me for drinks after work anyway, as I really wanted to celebrate the milestone that I had achieved, but none of them showed any interest. They all came up with some or other excuse, which made me realize that they were all simply my colleagues, my competitors, and not my friends.
As I finished my work, I knew that I had nowhere else to go and celebrate, so I got into my car and drove home. I had no friends to call, as I’d focused so hard on my work after moving to this new city. Work was my topmost priority and I didn’t have time to go out and make friends.
And if I didn’t have time to make friends, I certainly didn’t have time for romantic relationships. I had tried dating a few girls here and there, but it had never really worked out. Knowing that friends and lovers would be a distraction, I had decided to maintain a safe distance from them my whole life. Until that day.
As I opened the door of my single bedroom apartment, I realized that I truly had no one with whom to share neither my sorrow nor my happiness with. Suddenly, I began to question each and every decision that I had made in my life thus far.
I decided that I could at least call my mother to inform her about the promotion, but her phone went directly to voicemail. I figured that she was probably out somewhere, having a great time. It was disappointing to see that everyone around me seemed to have a great life filled with friends and social calls, while I, on the other hand, was locked inside my matchbox apartment.
At that moment, I knew that the only person who was stopping me from getting my share of happiness was me. I stood up, walked over to the sink in my washroom and washed my face in order to revive my senses. As I looked at my own reflection in the mirror, I realized that I had to make a choice. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life, without any sense of joy or excitement.
I merely existed in this world and it was my time to start living. I had to bring a much-needed change to my life and had to start that very night. I would procrastinate no further—I owed that much to myself.
I changed my clothes, splashed on some cologne and stepped back out into the crisp evening air, ready to change my entire life over the course of a single evening.
2
Some unexplained force seemed to beckon me inside that club. It wasn’t the noise, nor the ambiance, not the lights nor the people—but there was just something coming from within that place that drew me nearer and made me feel like I belonged. I drifted in through the crowds, and as I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the rhythm, I began to enter a state of pure bliss.
Nothing else mattered at that moment. It was simply my body and the pounding music that seemed to put me in a state of trance. I closed my eyes and in that utter darkness, I was able to find peace.
I had never been much of a dancer, but with my eyes closed, I
could escape from the world. Little did I know that my escape from this world was about to bring me closer to a part of it than I had ever experienced.
Suddenly, I was yanked from my reverie. “I am so sorry, what a klutz I am!” I said as I realized that I had just spilled a drink on a nearby dancer. My closed eyes hadn’t left me with many senses to gauge my proximity to surrounding patrons.
“It’s fine. It’s not the first time my shirt sleeve has had the opportunity to enjoy a cocktail here,” he said, trying to blow off my mistake. I was deeply relieved by his nonchalance, and immediately mesmerized by his shimmering hazel eyes that were kaleidoscopes underneath the colorful club lights.
“No. I’m genuinely sorry. Let me buy you a drink, please,” I insisted—it was the least I could do to amend my mistake.
“Well, I never say no to a drink!” he smiled as we both walked towards the bar. I ordered another rum and coke, while my new companion ordered some imported beer I had never heard of.
“Thanks a lot, uh….”
“Nathan,” I said, extending my hand in introduction.
“Thanks a lot for the drink, Nathan. I’m Jake.” He smiled charmingly as he took my hand in a firm shake. I was surprised to feel a jolt of electricity run through my arm and straight to my heart. I’d certainly never felt anything like that before.
Moving away from the bar we began a conversation and soon realized we had a lot of things in common. We had both moved to NYC after graduation, were the same age and even shared the same zodiac sign. I wanted to focus on these common threads, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how different we were.
Jake Thompson was everything that I wanted to be: well-built with hazel eyes that could hypnotize even a dead soul, deep chestnut hair and a hint of intentional stubble.
He was a painter, and unlike other artists I had met in the past, he wasn’t struggling to get into the limelight. He had been able to make a name for himself in the industry and had a pretty influential base of followers. I couldn’t help but feel a minor pang of jealousy toward this gorgeous and charming man who was doing something he absolutely loved while earning a living and making some headlines. Despite our similarities this made us feel like exact opposites. Nonetheless, I could feel myself relating with him in a way that was brand new to me.
“It’s getting really loud here. Do you want to get out?” he asked me while we were discussing our love of documentary films.
“Where will we go?” I asked him.
“Anywhere we want, Nathan,” he said with a coy look on his face. “We can be anyone and do anything we want on this night. Who’s stopping us?” he asked while downing the rest of his drink as he stood up.
He didn’t wait for my reply. And although I was suddenly filled with jangling nerves, I didn’t want to bar myself from any new experiences and a potential shot at happiness— not anymore—so I decided to follow him right out that door.
I didn’t know if what I was doing was right or wrong, but it certainly felt great. There was just something about Jake that was pulling me towards him like a force field. I had never seen any guy who was so confident in his skin. Maybe it was his attitude and carefree spirit that made me follow him that night—he was indeed everything that I wasn’t, and that created a compelling curiosity that just had to be satisfied.
And that’s how our story began. I met Jake in a fluke incident, just when I realized that I was heading toward a dead end. And by the end of the night he had turned that dead end into a brand new path.
*****
“So what do you do in order to live, Nathan?” he asked me as we walked aimlessly through the streets of NYC.
“I’m an investment banker—”
“No! I didn’t ask you about your job. I want to know what you do in order to live,” he interrupted.
“That is exactly what I do in order to support my life,” I replied honestly.
“No. That’s how you earn the money that puts food on the table and a roof over your head. I’ll ask you once again, Nathan. What is it that you do to live?” He gazed intensely at me as I considered the question.
I had no reply. I gazed back at him with confused eyes, waiting for him to pick up the conversation. He didn’t. “What do you do to live, Jake?” I asked him instead.
“Well, I paint. It’s my work, but I enjoy it and would do it any day without earning so much as a penny. I like to go out with my friends and eat. I love to bake and spend a night out with strangers like you. I like to travel and I plan to settle somewhere in Milan or Paris after a few years. I do whatever I feel like doing, without thinking of a single thing. I dance, I love, I enjoy. I do so many things to live, Nathan!” as Jake said those words, he sauntered over to a bench that overlooked the entire city, and took a seat.
I followed him, knowing that I was barely living at all. I simply existed, doing everything that I was supposed to do, without any passion, satisfaction or fulfillment.
“What do you love?” I asked him as I sat beside him. Each and every fabric of my being wanted to know more about him. It was as if he was a mystery that I wanted to unravel that night.
“I love the smell of rain and the feeling of completing a marathon. I love to travel, not for the sake of reaching a destination, but because I have a thing for the entire journey. I love the crescent shape of the moon and how flawless nature can be at times, inspiring me to be a better artist and a better human being. I love to kiss. I love to meet guys, hoping that one day I might find the one!” he said, informing me of his sexual orientation in a not-so-subtle way.
I hadn’t until now considered Jake’s being gay or straight. Nor had I considered my own sexuality, which had always remained buried underneath a mountain of other life priorities. I had always pictured myself settling down with a wife, mainly because that’s what society told me I should do, but I was suddenly faced with feelings that ran counter to this philosophy. Something deep inside me was bubbling up for the very first time, and it felt both frightening and enlivening at the same time.
“Have you dated many guys?” I asked.
“Yes, but nothing really worked out. Sometimes, it’s just not meant to be, right? What about you?”
“I’ve never really seriously dated anyone at all. I mean I’ve been out with a few girls, but nothing ever progressed more than a few dates. As you said, sometimes it’s just not meant to be.” I looked directly into Jake’s eyes, and could see my own reflection in them, and for a moment, I didn’t want to do anything else except kiss him.
I had never truly considered being with a guy before, but at that moment, it felt as if there was a hole in the atmosphere. Nothing else existed in the entire world anymore. It was just the two of us.
I leaned toward him and in that moment when our lips met, I felt a surreal sensation running all over my body. He opened his mouth and leaned into me while I closed my eyes to savor that first kiss.
There was a part of me that didn’t know what was happening, that wanted that kiss to stop, telling me that I wasn’t gay. But the other half of me wanted to keep kissing Jake for the rest of the eternity. There was a battle going on inside of me and I didn’t know which side to pick.
All I knew was at that moment there was nowhere else I would rather be. The warmth of Jake’s tongue was melting me as I kept exploring his mouth with my own. I inhaled his essence and experienced a strong urge to make love to him that night. The frightened half of me told me it would be a mistake, but that part of me was being drowned out by my mounting desire.
“I want you, Jake. I want to spend some more time with you.” Jake didn’t say anything at all. He simply smiled and held my hand as we both stood up.
“Let’s go!” he finally said as he led me in the direction of his home. I didn’t know if he was an angel or a devil. All I knew was that I wanted to be with him…to live.
3
“I don’t know what I’m doing here, Jake. I’ve never actually been with a guy before,” I said honestly
as I sat in front of him in his live/work studio apartment.
“Sexuality isn’t black and white, Nathan. It’s a spectrum that can defy all attempts at labeling it. You don’t have to define it. You don’t have to label yourself. I am not asking you to do anything you don’t want to do. I just don’t want you to have any regrets,” he said as he rubbed my hand and smiled.
I kept looking at him with intention. It was as if my entire body was set on fire and I wanted Jake to extinguish the burning desire that I had for him. I knew that I would regret walking out of his apartment door, so for the first time in my entire life, I followed my heart.
“You can leave if you want to. I won’t feel bad at all,” he said and looked me in my eyes.
“There is nowhere else where I would rather be, Jake. I don’t want to have any regrets,” I said and meant each and every word of it as I leaned towards him and locked his lips.
As I inhaled his mesmerizing musk, I got extremely turned on and knew that my decision to be with him was worth it. I didn’t want to think about it all over again or let anything else my judgment. All I had was that one moment with Jake and I wanted to make it count.
I kept kissing him and felt his warmth with my tongue. We both were getting turned on and wanted to know each other’s body and soul. I started to unbutton his shirt and he followed my lead to do the same thing. As I threw his blue shirt on the floor, I welcomed his well-chiseled chest with my hands.
I wanted to remove each and every shred of cloth from his body marvel at his amazing physique. I took off his jeans and left him wearing just his gray mélange underwear.
“You’re certainly in a hurry!” he said and he took me out of my denim jeans and then lay me down on his bed. I looked at his amazing physique and got lost in its flawlessness. Each and every muscle in his body was crafted with perfection and I thought of all those hours he must have spent in the gym to attain that Adonis body.
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