by Ally Hayes
When basketball season began, Jackie started asking to come to games. He panicked and held her off, making excuses through Christmas break.
“Sure, Jac. After break we’ll figure out something. Gotta pick just the right match-up or it will be boring for you. Are you coming to the New Year’s Eve party?” Matt changed the subject on their Wednesday night call before Christmas. He did not want his worlds to collide.
“I don’t know. My parents didn’t give me a straight answer, and I feel like if I ask again, they’ll know something is up,” she confessed.
Matt could tell she wanted to come but knew her parents probably didn’t. His own parents were betting Patty and Robert would be no-shows this year.
“Can you go to the movies on Friday? I have something for you,” Matt asked as a formality to make her feel better.
After they’d kissed in the dark enough, they excused themselves to the lobby, leaving Sydney and Dave to be nervous together. They found an empty vinyl-cushioned bench to sit close and exchange gifts. Matt gave her a stuffed Koala bear; she gave him a cassette she had made of songs she thought he would like and remind him of her. He wanted to kiss more, but she wouldn’t give in as she was afraid someone could see them. He tried to understand, but it drove him crazy when she was so close. At nine o’clock, she scooted away from him and began the lookout for her father’s car. Matt thought she looked anxious to leave.
“I hope you can come next week.” Matt found himself sounding desperate.
“Me too. I’ll see what I can do.”
Jackie called on the Sunday between Christmas and New Year’s. Her family surprised her with a trip to the Bahamas. She’d be away and have to miss the party. After she told him, she cried into her pillow. She rang in the New Year tanned and warm but lonely.
Matt hung up the phone and flung a few things around his room in frustration. After smoking his first joint at the party, his frustration was gone, as well as his better judgment. He kissed Tammy Malvone when the ball dropped.
Having returned late the night before, Jackie called on her designated Sunday night. Matt let it ring and again an hour later. He made his call on Wednesday night and told her he wouldn’t be able to see her that weekend because he had an away game. She had no reason to doubt him yet.
He avoided the next Sunday night call again by intentionally going to Joey’s to play video games. Not in on the set up, Melanie answered.
“Hi, um…is Matt home?” Jackie asked nervously, this was against the rules. She was supposed to hang up, but it had been a week and doubt was creeping in.
“He’s next door. Who’s calling?”
“No one, thanks.” Jackie cringed as she hung up the phone.
Over at Joey’s, Matt told himself it was good to let things cool off. He was busy with basketball. It was too difficult to get together. She was so different from him. He played hoops, hung out with the guys, and enjoyed his cool stud status. She was into art and music and actually enjoyed spending time at home with her parents. She went on elaborate vacations and attended an exclusive private school known for its smart and stuck-up students where they played preppy sports like lacrosse and badminton.
Matt avoided the phone and places he might see her. He made excuses not to go to the movies or arcade, even the ice-cream shop, but it didn’t keep him from thinking about her and feeling guilty. He couldn’t stop himself from thinking about her dark eyes and soft laugh, the way he felt when she said his name. How tiny and vulnerable she seemed. Everything.
It finally got to him. In May.
Jackie answered, unassuming. “Hello?”
“Hi, um, happy birthday,” Matt stammered when he heard her voice again.
“Oh, Matt. Thanks. This is a surprise,” she said not so nicely.
“Well, you know.”
“No, actually, I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called, but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.”
“Well, fine. I guess same to you, too, but I’m going to hang up now.” She sounded sad but strong.
He hung up feeling dejected. He hated feeling dumb when he talked to her; it was the same way he had felt at the beginning before they had gotten close the past fall. What had happened? He had blown it and he knew it. The call gnawed at him for a week, but he sweated it out for two more before trying again. This time she listened to him talk for a full three minutes before claiming she had to go. During the next call, he actually got her to speak. It took three more awkward calls and some half-hearted apologies and fabricated excuses before she finally accepted his offer to get back together. By the middle of June, they were making out at the movies again.
“I have to go,” Jackie said for the millionth time, but Matt kept kissing her. Her neck then her ear as they steamed up the windows of Joey’s sister, Jessica’s, car. The movie they were not seeing had been over for at least fifteen minutes, and one of her parents would be arriving at the front door of the theater soon. She had to pull herself together and walk over from the expansive parking lot.
“Jackie, I want you so bad. Please, just a couple more minutes,” Matt breathed. It was all he could do to stop.
“Matt, we can’t get caught.”
“I know, I know.”
Jackie smoothed down her tangled hair while Matt tucked his shirt back into his jeans before they dared get out of the car. As they walked hand in hand together toward the front of the building, Jackie felt like they had just robbed a bank. It seemed so right to be with him, but she always struggled with the aftermath. This time they both would.
Suddenly, she dropped his hand and started a mad dash without explanation. It wasn’t until he saw her getting in her mom’s car that he understood. It was too late. He had practically caught up and was visible in Patty’s rear view mirror.
“Isn’t that Matt Foster?” Patty asked, surprised.
“Oh, yeah, I guess it is.” Jackie turned to look and hide her expression; she wasn’t sure what it would reveal.
“Hi, Matthew, do you need a ride?” Patty asked through the open car window.
“Hi there, Mrs. Hamilton. Hi, Jackie. What’s up? Thanks, but I’m here with my neighbor. His sister drove us, and I’m just looking for them in the parking lot. I forget where we parked.”
“Alrighty then. Say hi to your mom for me.”
“Will do.”
Matt breathed a sigh of relief and turned on his heels, in search of Joey and Jessica who would undoubtedly be looking for the keys he lifted from her purse earlier.
Two weeks later, Jackie was packing for camp when she decided to finally make the call to Matt she had been avoiding. They had been to the arcade the previous Saturday night and everything had been fine until his buddies all started talking about starting high school in the fall. Just when she was beginning to feel accepted by Matt’s friends, she felt like an outsider again. The conversation had come up several times before she was able to take the action she and Matt had discussed—well, Matt mostly—and now she had to tell him the outcome.
“Hi, I miss you,” she tried to butter him up.
“Me too. Can you get out tonight?” Matt asked.
“I don’t think so. I haven’t asked, and I think it’s too late. Sorry.” The thought of delivering the news she was about to would sound worse in person, so she continued. “I have to tell you something else, though. I asked my mom about Westhaven High, and she brushed it off like I wasn’t serious. I tried again with my dad, and he gave me the speech. You know, I should count my blessings they’re able to send me to Crestwood Prep and have the grades and talent to be accepted. There was no room for discussion, there was no use even trying. I feel bad, but I did the best I could, Matt, I really did. I want to be with you.”
“I don’t get it. Where you go to high school should be your choice. You should be able to just tell them you’re not going to Stuck-up Prep.” Matt snorted. “Unless that’s not what you really want.”
Jackie’s
chest tightened. “That’s not fair, Matt,” she whispered.
He knew this was coming. He knew she didn’t really want to go to the same school as him. She secretly thought she was better than him with her private school and camps. Now, he was sure of it.
“Well, have fun at camp,” he said coldly while envisioning her playing tennis and sailing with boys with names like Skip and Todd.
“You’ll write to me, won’t you?”
“I don’t know. I’m not so good with letters. We’ll see.”
“Matt, what’s going on? This isn’t how I wanted to say goodbye,” she pleaded.
“Well, unless you’re willing to sneak out tonight, this has to be goodbye.”
“That’s not fair. You know I can’t do that, Matt.”
“Sure you could, if you really wanted to that is.” Matt knew he was being meaner than necessary, but pent-up frustration was getting the best of him. He decided to hold strong and leave the dare out there.
“I’ll write,” Jackie whispered. It was clear she was sobbing.
“Okay, Jackie.”
Matt hung up and shot baskets until the neighbors called to complain. Jackie sat on her floor up against her bed crying into the Koala bear Matt gave her—Fossie.
Matt—I hope this letter finds you well. I am having a nice time here, but I miss you. I miss us. Please write to me and tell me you do, too.
Luv, Jackie
Ann made sure none of her girls saw the mail that summer and placed the unopened envelopes from Maine on Matt’s dresser. She didn’t know if he was writing back, but she knew he kept the letters, once read, under his mattress.
Chapter Seven
Robert and Bill
“Jackie is going to be at a sleepover this Saturday night. Would you like to go see a movie?” Patty asked Robert on Wednesday after dinner. She stood before a sink full of pots where she kept her gaze; he had remained seated at the kitchen table after she had cleared it.
“I don’t know, we’ll see,” he replied absently.
Patty stood at a distance from her husband that she could practically feel. He picked up the local paper from the counter and proceeded into the den. She was left to do the dishes alone as Jackie had excused herself early to study. Part of Patty wanted to go to Robert and demand him to make plans with her. The other part, which always won this familiar battle, just didn’t have the energy to start a discussion and possible argument. She put on her rubber gloves and dug into the suds.
Theirs had never been a passionate relationship, but it had also never been this cold. Robert had made it clear long ago that his career would be paramount for a considerable time. Patty knew and respected this going into their relationship and marriage. They met at work, so she knew what the firm was like firsthand. He was happiest when busy with work, and it seemed he preferred to be at the office over home, a situation that was increasing as Jackie got older. While Patty had filled the void with her decorating business—and was doing quite well—nothing could replace the intimacy absent in her marriage. She wondered what had changed.
***
Robert had it all. Even by the most discriminating of yuppie standards, he was living the dream. He was a partner in a prestigious law firm, owned a massive house in the suburbs, bought a new BMW every two years for himself, and the requisite Volvo Sport Wagon for the stay-at-home wife. With his portfolio doing well enough to send his daughter to a private school and the best enrichment programs money could buy, he would be the envy of most. In his mid-forties, he was in good health and great shape, playing racquetball three times per week, as well as lifting weights and swimming laps two other days at the City Club before heading into the office each morning. He certainly seemed to have it all and even felt that way. Almost. The only luxury missing was a mistress.
All the investment bankers, brokers, and other lawyers he worked out or had drinks with at the club had a little something on the side. It wasn’t necessarily the sex he was interested in—didn’t feel the need for some skank. He envisioned someone glamorous living in a high-rise apartment who wanted no strings attached. She would be an attractive woman in high heels greeting him with a drink when he came to “visit.” Not a sweet young thing but someone who took care of herself and might possibly teach him a trick or two in the bedroom.
He loved Patty, he really did. Driving home at the end of each day, though, he found himself thinking about the other guys stopping off at the mistress’s places or in a hotel bar after work. The prospect thrilled him and helped to shorten the long commute to Westhaven. The illusion was always shattered when he walked through his beautiful foyer to kiss the cheek of his paint-smeared, turpentine-scented wife.
He reasoned that the pipe dream could become a reality in order to save their marriage, or at least enhance his end of it. If he could live a little of the high life, it would be less deflating to return to the reality he had created with Patty. It would be good for everyone. The only thing that had been holding him back was the opportunity. Now, thanks to his colleague, Brent, an opportunity was there for the taking, and according to Brent, it was ball in Robert’s court on Saturday night.
***
Bill was drowning and no one knew it. He was drowning in debt and alcohol. After his shift let out at four-thirty, he would spend the rest of the evening at a nearby saloon, not driving a truck for the steel company as Ann thought he was. For months he had been coming home roughly four nights a week after she was asleep in bed. He would pass out in the old recliner and leave before dawn in the morning. Avoidance was his ally. Like all allies, the relationship could only be one-sided for so long.
Years ago, he decided to cash his paychecks at work. He would then give Ann grocery money and occasionally add a little to the savings account. There had only been grocery allowance as of late. The mortgage was being paid on time, but not the cars. He hoped Ann wouldn’t get a speeding ticket anytime soon and discover the insurance had expired approximately a year prior. When the girls asked him for money, he replied that they probably made more than he did with all their babysitting. While they assumed he was just being stingy, he wasn’t far off in his estimates.
Lately, no one really had a need for him. Matt was the only one who ever seemed to really care how he was doing, and now even he was getting so busy with a life of his own. Once a boy found girls, parents quickly took a backseat. It was to be expected, but it still stung. He knew Ann loved him, but she’d be fine without him, too. She was strong, independent, and practically ran the house on her own as it was. Sometimes he wondered if any of them needed him. The guys at the bar thought he was hilarious, and he liked to be liked; it felt good. Coming home felt empty, so sometimes he didn’t bother.
“Where were you last night?” Ann prodded one Saturday morning.
“Picked up an extra shift, overtime.”
“Where is the extra money then?” she asked.
“Jesus, Ann, is that all I am to you—a wallet?” Bill stomped off toward the stairs, his head pounding from the shots of tequila the night before.
“Who do you think actually pays the bills around here? I’m the one that has to answer to the utilities, you know!” she yelled up the stairs.
Ann left to pick up the twins at cheer practice. When she got home, there was cash on the counter, but Bill was nowhere in sight.
***
“Ann? It’s Patty. I was wondering if you would like to get together soon, coffee or lunch? Um, well, let me know.” Patty left the awkward message on Ann’s machine, hoping she didn’t sound too desperate. After staying home alone on Saturday night and working all day Sunday in the garden, she was sitting at her kitchen table at eight-fifteen in need of some conversation. Robert had left early for work, and Jackie rode with him as she wanted to use the art studio at school before first bell.
Ann returned home from drop off—Matt could never seem to make the bus on a Monday—and listened to Patty’s message. Immediately thinking Patty found out something was going on bet
ween Matt and Jackie, she panicked. The letters had come steadily then dwindled throughout the summer. Matt never asked for a stamp or any other necessary supplies, so she only assumed he had not replied. School was a month underway, and she had figured the summer romance was over. Maybe that was the problem and Patty’s reason for calling. She didn’t want to talk to Patty about it. She wanted nature to take its course. She wouldn’t call back today. Patty never said she wanted to get together today. It could wait.
Not caring how desperate she sounded, Patty called on Wednesday. Again the machine answered. On Friday, Robert announced to the family they should go to a play he could get tickets for that Saturday night. She felt better, and Robert seemed happy that night. She told herself everything was fine and to stop worrying so much. She didn’t need to run to Ann. She felt reassured and passed off her suspicion as being silly and insecure. Patty once again recited her mantra: “Everything is fine.”
Chapter Eight
Matt & Jackie
Matt avoided eye contact with his mother. “Who’s coming this year?”
“Oh, you know, the usuals.” Ann tried to sneak a glance. “Why, was there anyone in particular you wanted to add to the guest list?”
“Nope, just wondering.” Matt had picked up on his mother’s tone and knew to leave it there. What did she know? Did he want her to know anything? Not usually. But maybe it would help this time, he wondered. Then again, Ann was always on his side. Maybe she could put in a good word with Mrs. Hamilton. Whenever they dated in the past, he and Jackie had always thought it best to keep it a secret from their families. Maybe now was time for a change. They were in high school. It was acceptable for him to admit to his mom that he liked girls. He didn’t think it would shock her. But again, admitting he liked Jackie was a bit more complicated than throwing out a name like Jennifer Powers. Who was he kidding, his mom must already know. It wasn’t as if he was the one getting the mail or cleaning his room last summer.
