White Lies and Promises

by Ally Hayes

  “I’m so sorry, for whatever it’s worth. I really am.” Ann rose from her chair to hug Patty. She truly felt sympathetic to her friend, but at the same time, it was hard to be supportive when she knew Patty wouldn’t do anything to address the situation. At least not yet. Ann wanted to tell her to kick him to the curb, but it would be useless—Patty didn’t have the guts to leave him.

  They talked, and Patty cried until she finally had a headache and told Ann she wouldn’t waste any more of her day. She would take something and lie down. She hoped to look pulled together by the time Jackie came home from school. She had avoided her that morning to hide her red and puffy eyes, but she couldn’t get away with that again in a few hours.

  Ann told her to be strong and call her if she needed anything. They would meet again on Friday morning at Bergson’s. As she was about to leave, though, she couldn’t help mentioning, “By the way, I love your house.”

  Robert had neither gone to racquetball nor Stacia’s the night before. He sat at his desk. It wasn’t work that had kept him there but overwhelming guilt and fear. Each emotion taking its turn as being the stronger. He had tried to end things with her last week, and it wasn’t well received. He felt it necessary, though, as she had begun to change lately. Stacia had started asking questions; she wanted to know things about him, facts he wasn’t willing to share. He didn’t like that.

  “I know where you live,” she suggested.

  “That’s not funny.”

  “Neither would be my showing up on your doorstep, Robby,” she whispered.

  “Stacia, I don’t like where this is going.”

  “Then don’t go.” She covered his mouth with hers, and there was no more talking.

  Robert never called her directly anyway, so he hadn’t spoken to her since. A week had gone by now, slowly. He usually got to her apartment on Tuesdays around six-thirty. At seven, his office phone began to ring. It proceeded to do so every fifteen minutes and until he left at nine for a hotel bar a block away. He finally headed home at ten, feeling defeated.

  He had so much at stake now and couldn’t risk losing his job or his home life. The offer that had been thrown around as a joke last year was beginning to take legs, and he wanted it. He always wanted more and a chance to run for office was what he wanted now. For the first time, he was beginning to think that, while he could still have more, maybe he couldn’t have it all.

  Driving home, he gave himself an out—he always did. It was fall now. He would end it by the first of the year. It would be a clean start…after a momentous finale, of course.

  Chapter Eleven

  Matt & Jackie

  “Happy New Year, Matthew.” Upon hearing her voice, Matt quickly spun around to look for Jackie only to tangle himself in sheets. Darkness greeted him, and he realized he’d been dreaming. Deflated, he recalled his mother telling him the Hamiltons were going back to Vermont. They had liked it so much last year, they had bought a time share.

  The Hamiltons hadn’t attended the party in years. He should have been used to it, yet he found himself holding out hope once again. Last year, he had invited Debbie which had led to disaster. He would be going stag tonight. Joe was between girls, too. They could get good and drunk together; it would be great. He got up to eat, knowing he’d be expected to help set up for the big night.

  After five hands of poker, Matt had to pee. He stood up, and the rush made him realize he’d probably had as many beers as he had wins. It was hard to keep track when he was being served from a pitcher; they’d scored a keg this year, and the loser was sent to refill the pitcher after each round. Upon leaving the bathroom, he sought out the clock where he discovered it was ten o’clock. He must have been squinting at it, or possibly swaying, because the next voice he heard pointed out his behavior.

  “Looks like someone has been enjoying himself.” It was the voice from his early morning dream, but this time he knew he wasn’t dreaming. Jackie stood before him wearing a short gray skirt and fluffy pink sweater. She had her hands on her hips and a stern look on her face, but Matt could feel his body responding to her very real presence.

  “Jackie! I didn’t think you were coming. I’m so sorry. I thought it was just me and the boys; that’s why I let loose. Wait, what are you doing here? I mean that’s awesome, but if I’d known you were coming…”

  “I know, you’d of baked a cake. Okay, fair enough. Our flight was grounded. I’m here with my Mom. My dad is stuck downtown due to the snow. You are aware of the blizzard, aren’t you?” She shook fresh white flakes out of her dark hair. It drove him wild.

  “I’m so psyched you’re here,” Matt blurted out.

  Laughing and seeming comfortable, Jackie surprised him saying, “You’re so honest and cute when you’re drunk.” She truly didn’t know what she was feeling or doing. Her flirting surprised her as much as it did him. All she knew for sure was that an hour ago, she was disappointed and mad, and now the night was looking up. And Matt was looking good in his black denim jeans and untucked rugby shirt.

  They laughed their way to the bar together. Jackie shocked him again by pumping the keg and pouring a perfect cup then draining it with ease. In response to his look of disbelief, she reminded him she had spent the past summer at college. She had picked up a few tricks. He was out of his mind with excitement and didn’t touch another drop as she refilled.

  “Pick up any other tricks?” Matt provoked.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know,” Jackie teased, and it felt good.

  There was a comfortable, familiar silence between them as they both processed the consequence of their next moves. When someone announced it was time for the ball to drop, Matt grinned at Jackie, and she shook her head laughing, responding to his intention. Jackie took his hand and led them toward the crowd. She still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, but it felt right at the moment. As if planned all along, the two counted down to midnight and kissed as if time and fights had never actually happened.

  “So, we’re good?” Jackie ventured when the lights came back on.

  “No. I’d say we’re great!” Matt imitated and fist pumped the air.

  Joey walked by, shaking his head. “God help us all.”

  ***

  Robert hardly sounded convincing when he called from the office to say he wouldn’t be making the drive home. Patty found it odd that once they had confirmed the flight was indeed cancelled, he suddenly remembered something he needed at the office.

  “Where will you stay?” she asked coldly.

  “Don’t worry about me.” He tried to sound humble. “Make sure Jackie doesn’t go out in this weather, though. Do something girly, have fun.”

  “Oh, don’t worry about us,” Patty had replied.

  Patty simply walked out to the garage to make sure the snow tires on her car looked acceptable. Satisfied, she took a long shower and thought about what to wear to Ann’s party. She would first make Jackie something she could scrape together from the sparse groceries and explain that she wouldn’t stay out late, be home in time to watch the ball drop with her daughter. It would be fine. Jackie wouldn’t care.

  “Wow, are you going somewhere?” Jackie asked when she saw her mother dolled up and standing at the kitchen counter.

  “I’m just going to pop over to Ann’s and see if she needs any help since, you know.”

  “Oh.” Jackie’s mouth tightened into a straight line.

  “But if you don’t want to be alone, I can stay. I didn’t even call to say I was coming. She’s not expecting me. I can go change.”

  “It’s not that. You stay just like that. I’m going to change. I’ll be ready to go in ten minutes. And don’t call Mrs. Foster, you know, in case we get stuck or something.” Jackie dashed upstairs. Patty sighed. There was no point in arguing. She just hoped her daughter would use good judgment. She made the same wish for her husband.

  Driving back home around two in the morning, the “blizzard” had ended producing a laughable measly four inc
hes. Patty gripped the steering wheel tightly while Jackie looked dreamily out the passenger side window. She knew a great deal had changed that night.

  ***

  “Are you kidding me?” Ann asked Matt asked as they carried folding chairs back out to the garage later the next day in between college bowl games.

  “Would I ever kid you?” Matt asked. “No, wait, don’t answer that. But no, I am not kidding you right now.”

  Ann gasped loudly. “Does Patty know?”

  “That I don’t know. Jackie might not be so quick to tell her this time, so you might want to keep it to yourself for the time being. I’m sorry, I know you two are friends again or whatever.”

  “Oh God, here we go again,” Ann feigned, but of course she was glad they were back together. She would keep out of it this time, she told herself. Well, she’d try at least.

  ***

  “I know this is going to sound crazy, but would you mind if we skipped our proms?”Everyone at school had just started talking about the big night in earnest, and Jackie couldn’t stand another minute of it. Her friends could not fathom her lack of interest. While she had gone last year as a senior’s date, most her friends had not attended and therefore were looking forward to the event. Not Jackie.

  “Seriously?” Matt practically yelled into the receiver.

  “Well, I know it’s strange, and I understand if you really want to go to yours, but…” She didn’t have to finish; he cut her off.

  “No way. I mean, of course, I don’t want to go. You are totally letting me off the hook. This is like every guy’s dream. I hate dancing and dressing up. Wow. Do I dare ask why?”

  “It’s overrated.” Jackie couldn’t go there, not even in her own head when she was all alone.

  “I love you, Jackie,” Matt said.

  “I think you mean, ‘thanks, Jackie, I’m so glad I don’t have to wear cummerbund and buy you a stupid flower I can’t pronounce.’”

  “Well, that, too. But seriously, I love you.”

  Jackie paused a moment, weighing her reply. “Oh, Matt, I have been waiting years for you to say those words. I had hoped that it would be said in person. I’ve envisioned it so many times and saying it back…”

  “Don’t,” Matt interrupted.

  “Don’t what?” Jackie was still lost from hearing the “L” word.

  “Don’t say it back. Forget I even said it. You’re right, let’s save it. I just thought of a great idea. Do you trust me?” For once, Matt had a plan and for the first time in years, he knew exactly what he was going to get Jackie for her birthday.

  “Matthew, those are dangerous words.”

  “Doesn’t matter, it’ll be awesome. I have to make some calls, though. Um…gotta go.” Matt trailed off.

  “You are schitzo. But that’s fine, I need to study. Remember the school year is not over yet. Colleges are still going to request your fourth-quarter grades.”

  “No worries here.”

  “Good night, Matthew.”

  “Night, and, Jackie, even though we’re not saying it yet, just know that I do.” With that he hung up before she could say another word.

  Jackie floated down the stairs—not that she was ever much of a stomper—and into the kitchen as if on a cloud. She was already sitting on the counter sipping diet soda before her mother had time to register her appearance.

  Patty was seated at the table surrounded by invoices and receipts. Her business was going well. So well, in fact, that she had been considering renting a small office and possibly hiring a receptionist/bookkeeper. She had crunched all the numbers, and it would be a bit of a stretch but within reach. Every time Robert referred to her business as her “little project,” she found the nerve to do it, if only momentarily. As of late, she had come to the conclusion that she needed a just-in-case plan, a back-up procedure. Some days she could envision herself and Robert growing old together and eventually enjoying retirement and grandchildren. There were just as many days and nights that she saw herself alone. Those were the times when the prospect of an office with her name on the awning brought her comfort.

  Patty assumed the worst was over now, but she was also holding her breath knowing that everything could change when Jackie left for college in the fall. There would be no need to pretend anymore. Only adults left in the house. If she was brave enough, she would call his bluff and ask him for the divorce, not wait for him to make the decision. If she was brave enough. Or was true bravery sticking it out for the daughter who was everything to her? A daughter who, at the moment, was sitting on the counter lost in thought, believing a seventeen-year-old jock was the center of her world.

  “Have you been on the phone this whole time?” Patty pried.

  “Yes. I know, I know. Time to study. I can still lose my spot.” Jackie mimicked her mother’s battle cry of late.

  “Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just cannot believe Matthew could have that much to say.”

  “He had quite a lot to say tonight, actually.” Jackie smiled to herself, trying to remember his request to forget.

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “Not now. Too much studying to do.” With that she jumped off the counter and headed back to her room. She knew how her mother felt about Matt. In fact, Jackie understood. He had put her through misery already. It was only natural that Patty was apprehensive about them being together again now. Telling her about New Year’s Eve had been torture; it was almost Valentine’s Day when she finally got the nerve to confess to the relationship. She treaded lightly with Patty and avoided it altogether with her father. He only wanted to talk about college anyway these days.

  Even Jackie had her doubts. In moments of weakness or rationality, she couldn’t understand how she had taken him back this time. Her friends said they were like magnets, and she should stop trying to fight the attraction and just be together. They agreed that while Jackie could be miserable when she was with him, she was unbearably miserable without him. She had tried to explain that she always felt they were just on the “in-betweens” when they were not together. No one liked the “in-between” feeling. It didn’t truly make sense, but her friends seemed to get it and supported her. Unbeknownst to Jackie, they all felt this would be the last time. Jackie would go off to her Ivy League school, and in a matter of months, it would be the end.

  Patty felt the same as Jackie’s friends. She could put up with it, knowing it would be short-lived; she could let Jackie be happy. She was clearly enjoying the end of her senior year. In a couple of months, it would all be over. Maybe she and Jackie could cry on each other’s shoulders. However, another relationship hung in the balance. She wouldn’t be able to count on Ann then…or maybe ever again.

  ***

  Ann marveled at how easy it had become to clean up, now that most of her family did not permanently reside under her roof. She was still in awe of the silence and found she could hear her own thoughts as she wiped down the table that only supported four plates that night. Meredith had come by again for a meal between her classes and nursing intern shift. While she technically lived with three other students, she occasionally “crashed” at home. Even her presence was subdued these days as she was constantly exhausted. She had left with a cup of coffee fifteen minutes ago. It was back to Ann and her men for the night. Matt was no great conversationalist compared to the girls, but she found herself grasping for his attention as his senior year waned.

  When Matt bounded into kitchen, she was so happy for his company, she didn’t even scold him when he proceeded to drink chocolate milk straight from the container. It was one less glass to wash Ann reasoned.

  “What’s new?” She tried to sound cool.

  “It’s ‘what’s up,’ Ma. Plus, nothing would be new since you saw me at dinner.”

  “That was an hour ago. Anyway, I thought I heard the phone ring. I assume it was you who answered and not your dad.”

  Matt practically sprayed the liquid desert across the room. In all thei
r lives, no one had ever seen Bill answer the phone. For that matter, they’d never witnessed him answer the door, clear his plate, or turn off the television either.

  “Yeah, it was Jackie.”

  “Are things still wonderful in Perfect World?”

  “With the Hamiltons?” He shrugged. “I guess so. I dunno.” Matt knew to steer clear of domestic issues.

  “What about you two? I assume you’ve discussed the distance between UConn and Yale?”

  They were both set for the fall and had been for some time. The wheels were set in motion before they had gotten back together—again. Matt had an offer for a full scholarship and a spot on the basketball team for the Huskies. He had many offers to choose from, and though he could have taken a team with more exposure, he worried about keeping up his grades. He, his dad, the coaches, and counselors all believed UConn would be the best fit for Matt. All he had to do was graduate.

  Jackie worked extremely hard and achieved perfect grades. She was also involved in almost every club and was currently president of three, which helped her obtain early acceptance to her top choice. As for discussions, they had congratulated each other and continued to discuss nothing further than the upcoming weekend over the past months. Until tonight, that was.

  Matt continued to chug, choosing to avoid the question. Ann moved on.

  “So, I guess the next thing will be the prom. I assume you’ll be going to her fancy-schmancy one downtown.”

  Matt smiled deviously. “Nope. Change of plans; we’re going to mine.”

  ***

  “Isn’t it just so perfect? Who would have thought way back when they were in the playpen seventeen years ago that they would be going to the prom together?” Ann gushed.

  “Oh,” was all Patty could reply. Jackie had not mentioned a word about the prom. She still didn’t talk to her mother about Matt very much, but Patty couldn’t blame her. When Jackie had finally admitted they were dating again, she seemed almost embarrassed, uncomfortable at having to explain that she had forgiven him. Patty expressed more than concern and warned her of the huge mistake. In the heat of the moment, she also told her daughter that she could do better than Matt. Strife had begun. No wonder Jackie had yet to tell her about the prom. It was a mess. She was tired of defending and explaining her relationship with Matt. It seemed no one could understand their connection—sometimes not even the two of them. The only explanation they had ever been able to come up with was a sense of “pulling” they both felt toward each other. Neither had been able to describe it better, and it made perfect sense to them. Yet, Jackie couldn’t describe that to her father.