The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules

by Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg

  ‘I have seen the films, you know!’ Martha replied.

  Brains went off towards the corridor by reception that lead to the fuse box, while Martha went along with the others to the steam room. The henbane would make the spa guests lethargic, but before they got too drowsy Martha would pour the cannabis into the nozzle. Then Christina and Anna-Greta would stagger out of the sauna and pretend to faint, while Martha would hurry to fetch the receptionist for help. As soon as the receptionist had left the counter, Brains would cut the lighting for the entire spa, and he and Rake would break the lock on the cupboard behind reception and empty it of the valuables. Brains had fitted a row of LED lights into his slippers so that he and Rake could see. Martha was a bit worried because she feared that this might give them away, but he assured her it would be all right. The slipper lights would only be used in case of an emergency and he was sure that, in the general confusion, nobody would notice where the light was coming from. Martha still thought she was right and that Brains didn’t realize the danger of the lights because he was a man and had little imagination. But with age she had learned that sometimes it was simpler just to give in.

  When they entered the steam room they were immediately enveloped by a warm cloud and they could hardly see anything. Christina and Anna-Greta sat down on the benches while Martha looked around as best she could in the mist. It seemed as if at least twenty people were in the steam room. She counted a few elderly gentlemen, several ladies and a middle-aged couple, all seated on the two half-moon-shaped benches that faced each other. Martha knew that she had to be careful of those who were sitting closest to her. She could feel the plastic bags chafing inside her swimsuit and began to wish that she wasn’t doing this. It would have been better if Rake had taken care of this part of the plan, but he had said that nowadays he only occupied himself with living plants. Dried leaves weren’t his concern. She straightened her back. Christina would just have to do the job—and show him how it was done. Martha sat down at the end of one of the benches, as close to the door as possible so that she would be near to the fresh air outside, and put the birch twigs down next to her. Her hand felt its way to her swimsuit neckline. With the plastic bags in her bosom, she looked like she had in her prime. She sighed; it was so steamy in the room that nobody would be able to admire her figure anyway.

  ‘How long are we going to sit here for?’ Christina whispered.

  ‘Not long at all,’ Martha reassured her. ‘I’ll tell you when it’s time.’

  ‘One certainly wouldn’t want to stay in here for too long,’ Anna-Greta added and put her hand over her mouth. ‘There’s far too much steam.’

  The mist hid the facial expressions of the people sitting there, and Martha grew worried. It would be difficult to judge their reactions. She had hardly had a chance to brood over this before the lights flickered. Brains had cut the power off. This was it! Martha’s hand felt for the bags inside her bathing suit. Where were they? At the same moment, she realized that she didn’t have her glasses with her. She, who had preached about how important the little details were. Oh well, the bag of cannabis was bigger and that was all she really needed to know. The man sitting opposite her was beginning to take an interest in her cleavage search.

  ‘I thought I had three with me when I left home,’ she joked.

  The man gaped at her.

  ‘Well, two perhaps?’ she suggested.

  Martha could hear the embarrassed clearing of someone’s throat and somebody else coughing nervously in the mist. Old ladies shouldn’t joke about such things, is that what they were thinking? This made Martha angry; the elderly could have a bit of fun too.

  The steam became even more intense and several of the guests covered their faces with their hands. It was now really hot and sticky, and two people got up and left. Martha couldn’t delay any longer. She located the bags, carefully pulled out the one with the henbane powder and opened it. Now she only had to take a few steps to the black pillar and pour all the powder into the nozzle. But she couldn’t feel anything inside the bag. Martha withdrew her fingers. She had put the powder there herself. Confused, she dug her fingers back into the bag and found a soggy mess right at the bottom. Oh, heavens above! The pouch had a hole in it! In her mind’s eye she imagined how all those who had been swimming in the pool would have inhaled the henbane and fallen asleep. But then a moment later she recognized a man she had almost collided with in the pool and she calmed down. Most of the henbane was probably still in the bag and had just got wet. Did that mean it had lost its effectiveness, or would she start hallucinating herself from the amount that had escaped? Martha didn’t know. The best thing now would be to act quickly and then rush out to the shower. But what if there was so little henbane left that nobody reacted? She dipped into her cleavage again and took out the bag with the cannabis. Thank God that was okay. Rake had told her to put just a small amount of the cannabis in the nozzle, but you had to adapt to the circumstances and Martha decided to use the whole amount. She tottered over to the pillar, and after the nozzle had puffed out a hot cloud of steam she threw in the henbane and the cannabis and covered it all with the birch twigs. Then she sat at the very end of the bench, as close to the door as she could, and waited.

  Fifteen

  Nurse Barbara stood smoking in her newly renovated flat in Sollentuna. She inhaled deeply and blew out the last of the smoke before stubbing out the cigarette in her wine glass and closing the window. Ever since the day Director Mattson had taken over the retirement home, she had dreamed of how they could work together. Her and him. The two of them would be successful. He had the money and could invest it; she could run the business. But as time passed, she started to become impatient. She wanted to talk with him about the future. At the same time, she realized that she must tread carefully so that she didn’t scare him off.

  ‘Hurry up, darling,’ Mattson said, holding out his hands. He lay on his back stark naked. She didn’t need to be Einstein to know what he wanted. As she took the few steps across to the bed, she was thinking that she must make him dependent upon these moments together. Then when she had managed that, she would be able to achieve her goal. Times like these, when she had his full attention, were when she should try and persuade him that her line of thinking was right.

  ‘Darling, we do have a good time together, don’t we?’

  He pulled her down towards him and kissed her in response. She pulled away and gave him a serious look.

  ‘If only we could see each other more often. I miss you when we aren’t together.’

  ‘And I miss you too, my darling.’ He tried to embrace her again.

  ‘Have you thought about your wife? I mean, about the divorce?’

  He stopped her and held her tightly to him.

  ‘Silly billy, a love like ours doesn’t need to be confirmed by marriage. What we have is enough.’ Just then, his cellphone started ringing on the bedside table. On the second ring he hesitated, and on the third ring he stretched out his hand.

  ‘Hello, oh, it’s you. Right, yes, OK. Are you having a nice time? Oh, is that right …?’

  Barbara could discern the high-pitched voice on the other end of the line; she got up and went into the kitchen. She didn’t like listening to his conversations with his wife; it reminded her that there was another woman in his life. A woman who looked as if she was going to be sticking around for a while longer.

  ‘So you’re going to stay another week, darling? Right, I understand. Dear me, what a pity. And I was going to take you and the children out for dinner.’

  His wife and children had travelled to London. Now it seemed as though their return would be delayed. Perhaps this meant that she and Mattson could be together a little longer? At last the conversation came to an end. Barbara went back into the bedroom.

  ‘Darling, my family is stuck in London. So I think I’ll take a few more days off work and we can spend some more time together.’

  ‘How wonderful! But what about the residents?’r />
  ‘We’ll get a temp to cover for you.’

  ‘Can we afford it?’

  ‘My dear, Diamond House is a veritable profit-making machine. What was the name of the girl who replaced you last time? Katia, wasn’t it? Ring her!’

  He stretched out his hands towards her again, and this time she didn’t need any more encouragement. Pleased with how things were developing, she crept in under the covers and put her arms around him.

  When the stand-in nurse, Katia, went into the retirement home the next day, she found it unusually quiet. The old people ate their breakfast and gathered in the lounge as usual, but there was no sign of the choir gang. When they didn’t turn up for lunch either, she went up to their rooms and found that everything was neat and tidy, but their coats were all missing. They must be out singing somewhere. She had heard them talking about performances in Strängnäs and Eskilstuna before. Nurse Barbara must simply have forgotten to inform her. Katia smiled to herself. Perhaps they would perform God in Disguise, which they had been rehearsing for such a long time. They loved singing and she didn’t begrudge them that joy. She immediately felt calm. They would turn up soon enough.

  Sixteen

  Inside the steam room, water was dripping from the ceiling and the noise of the spray was very audible. With the herbs inside the nozzle, a distinct smell started to spread. Martha felt sleepy and found it hard to gather her thoughts. She stole a glance through the door. Then came the first giggle. The man opposite her stretched his feet out towards the stone in front of him, slipped, missed again and started laughing. The others next to him joined in with the laughter and the mood was suddenly all the merrier. There was an oddly sweet smell in the room now and Martha thought that she probably hadn’t used enough birch twigs. She turned around to pick up some more but the thought slid away from her. There was something she was supposed to do … but what was it? She should have written it down on a piece of paper, but it would have looked dreadfully suspicious if she had started thumbing through a wad of to-do notes in a steam room!

  Suddenly she heard Anna-Greta’s neighing laugh, followed by another hysterical laugh. Christina followed suit with an uncontrolled fit of giggling and Martha, too, found herself laughing. Then the lights flickered and went out. After a moment they started flickering again. It wasn’t particularly funny, but the men were grinning in a bemused fashion. Martha could hear her own giggling and she realized that she couldn’t sit in the steam room for very much longer. There was something she was meant to do … what was it? She couldn’t for the life of her remember what it was. It didn’t dawn on her until the man opposite her put his hand over his mouth and started yawning. Anna-Greta and Christina were meant to faint and she was then meant to rush off to fetch the receptionist. She prodded her friends in the ribs and whispered.

  ‘It’s time now. Lie down on the bench. Hurry!’

  ‘Not here, surely,’ Anna-Greta squeaked. Then she pulled down one shoulder strap of her bathing costume and winked at the man sitting opposite her before emitting another piercing horse-like neigh.

  ‘Lie down, faint, be quick!’ Martha demanded as quietly as she could.

  ‘Not for him there, oh no, he is too old,’ said Anna-Greta, who regretted her boldness and was pulling her shoulder strap up again. Then she laughed so loudly that nobody could have fainted in the vicinity of her noise.

  ‘Please lie down so that I can go and fetch help,’ hissed Martha, who was starting to feel a bit dizzy. Christina, who was used to following orders, stretched out on the bench. Anna-Greta, now finally aware of what was happening, lay down next but was unable to stop laughing. Then the lights gave a final flicker and went out. Martha hurried to the reception area, where the lights were still working.

  ‘Two people have just fainted in the steam room. Come quickly!’ she cried.

  The receptionist went pale and hurried after Martha. As soon as the girl opened the door to the steam room, Martha went back into reception. Brains was already standing in front of the metal cupboard. He was wearing his gym clothes and was busy working with a picklock in his hand.

  ‘Nice to have a large, old-fashioned metal cupboard with a proper lock,’ he whispered and asked Martha to hold his sports bag open. The lock was surprisingly easy to open, but just as they were about to start taking out the valuables, the lights in reception went out.

  ‘What happened?’ Brains wondered, but then he remembered his slippers and bent down to turn the LED lights on. Then he froze. Rake had told him to put on his gym shoes and now he was standing there in his trainers. In the dark. He was well aware that time was of the essence, so he reached inside the cupboard and simply swept the entire contents into the bag. The lights flickered into action again and Brains closed the cupboard door hastily.

  ‘See you later,’ he said to Martha, grabbing the gym bag as he went. Brains took the bag upstairs to the gym, where he put it down and went to one of the exercise bicycles. The next moment, Rake entered the gym. The two friends exchanged knowing glances. Rake then picked up the closest dumb-bells and started exercising.

  Meanwhile, Martha returned to the steam room, where she found the receptionist in the process of trying to get Christina and Anna-Greta out into the corridor. They had both come round very quickly and were now giggling wildly. Gales of laughter could be heard in all directions and two elderly gentlemen were snorting and slapping their knees in amusement. The receptionist looked very confused as Martha caught her eye.

  ‘They seem to have had a little too much champagne at breakfast. I don’t know what the world is coming to,’ the receptionist said. ‘The worst ones are your age.’

  ‘They are young at heart,’ Martha mumbled as she caught up with Christina and Anna-Greta on their way out into reception.

  ‘Now, girls, let’s have a shower,’ Martha said, but it took quite a while before she could get her woozy friends into the change room.

  ‘This is the most fun I’ve ever had,’ Christina wheezed merrily when they were back in the ladies’ change room again.

  ‘Can’t we do this at the retirement home too?’ Anna-Greta wondered.

  ‘Shush!’ Martha urged, but this only triggered a new attack of laughter from her friends. It required quite an effort to get them both up to the relaxation room. They were going to pretend to be taking it easy by enjoying fresh juice and leafing through the day’s newspapers—so as to appear innocent. Martha thought it was risky to remain at the scene of the crime, but Brains had reassured her that they wouldn’t attract the slightest attention. However, they hadn’t been relaxing for very long in the loungers before they heard loud voices coming from downstairs. They couldn’t resist going down to have a look. The closer they got, the louder the noise became and they were met with a great commotion. The door to the metal cupboard was wide open and a group of unsteady guests stood next to it, pointing.

  ‘The cupboard is empty. Everything’s gone—necklaces, jewels and passports,’ one middle-aged lady chuckled, almost incapacitated by laughter. ‘Disappeared into thin air!’

  The receptionist looked extremely unhappy.

  ‘And my gold bracelet has vanished too. Without a trace!’ her grey-haired friend chirped.

  ‘And that ghastly watch I got from my mother-in-law, that’s gone too,’ one of the old guys guffawed. ‘Got rid of it at last! Hahaha!’

  ‘But what about our money? I told you that we shouldn’t bring any valuables down with us,’ his wife grumbled.

  ‘Don’t be upset, darling, you were right. But things like this don’t happen every day. Just enjoy the drama!’ And with that he dissolved into fits of laughter.

  Amidst the chaos, Martha took her friends by the hand and herded them towards the elevator.

  ‘We’d better go,’ she said. And their silly giggles lasted all the way up to their luxury suite. Martha even sang a traditional Swedish drinking song in her old childhood dialect.

  Martha thought it was probably for the best that Rake had not been
in charge of the herbs, because she knew that he would not have been so generous with the amount used. She, however, had poured out every last grain of powder. She had had to think on her feet and had succeeded in doing so!

  Seventeen

  The League of Pensioners had drained the last drops of champagne from their glasses and calmed themselves as much as possible. Now the moment to open up the sports bag and reveal the loot had arrived. Brains lifted up the bag with a solemn gesture, tipped it upside down and let the contents pour out onto the table. The other four newly fledged villains sat like expectant children, watching as the pile of goodies grew. With a gleam in their eyes they started to sort through the items. Then a silence descended over them.

  ‘What’s all this?’ said Martha while she rummaged in the pile. ‘Make-up and hairbrushes?’

  ‘No lipstick for me, thank you,’ Rake muttered. ‘Who’s idea was it to raid the safes at the swimming pool? You’ve only got yourselves to blame. What did you expect—the crown jewels?’

  ‘The men at least seem to have deposited their mobile phones. Perhaps we can cash these in?’ Anna-Greta suggested and poked around in the heap of stolen property. ‘And look here; there are some bracelets and watches.’

  ‘But we won’t end up in prison for stealing this,’ Martha sighed.

  ‘And it isn’t much to share either,’ Christina added.

  ‘This thick bracelet must be eighteen carat and the watch should fetch a hundred thousand,’ Anna-Greta pointed out.

  ‘And here is a gold compact,’ said Martha as she picked out an engraved, showy case. It opened with a clasp, but it was so small that Martha couldn’t release it.

  ‘I’d like that compact, unless somebody else …?’ said Anna-Greta and quickly snatched it away before anyone had time to react. Christina gave her a withering look.

  They became silent again and each of them tried to find something to be pleased about, but however thoroughly they rummaged in the pile they found little of value. The robbery had been successful, but the loot was just knick-knacks.