The Hinky Velvet Chair

by Jennifer Stevenson

  And bang, Jewel’s cases were as commingled as a laundry-loadful of pantyhose. “I think I’ll, uh, visit the locker room.” She blundered out past Kauz’s adoring gaze.

  In the locker room she phoned Clay’s cell. “Listen,” she hissed, “I’ve got the spa guy coming to Virgil’s house later this afternoon. He’s in love with my green tones and he’s got a hard-on for the Venus Machine. This is our chance to open him up.”

  “Did he say anything about the election?”

  “No. Not a word. Though I picked up a scary pamphlet about magic in the waiting room. So, listen, what I want to know is, can you get Virgil Thompson to invite him to stay for a few days?”

  “What are you hoping to accomplish?” Clay said in a guarded voice. “I thought you didn’t want to commingle the cases.”

  “I didn’t, but now I’ve messed up here and they’re all tangled together,” she confessed. “Will Virgil cooperate?”

  “No problem. The guy’s got a hard-on for the Venus Machine, and he has a bunch of money for his campaign fund, but he needs more. And Virgil is rich and crazy about magic. Only question is, who’ll be gladder to see whom.”

  “Groovy. I need to hear him talking about his platform. Also I hope to establish a link between him and Buzz. Buzz is distributing a concoction for Kauz, I’m sure of it. Maybe he’ll have Buzz meet him at Virgil’s house.”

  “Surely Buzz will cooperate if charges can be laid against him,” Clay said.

  She sighed. “You don’t know Buzz.” The locker room door opened. Sovay and Griffy came in. “I gotta go.” She hung up.

  Clay seemed mighty sure of Kauz’s welcome. And very interested in Kauz’s campaign money.

  Great. She was unleashing one con artist on another. No, three, she was forgetting Sovay the Snake. Was that ethical? Did she get to bend the rules when she was undercover? How much? When would the whole thing blow up in her face and leave her covered in anti-glory and federal violations?

  She’d already had three showers but, now that Kauz had slathered her with his icky admiration, she felt a little less than fresh. She took another.

  Chapter Twelve

  While the others ferried Kauz and his psychespectrometer to Virgil’s house in Griffy’s limousine, Jewel took a cab, the better to get something through Randy’s head.

  He seemed totally not embarrassed. “Why should I feel shame? Men follow you down the street like dogs.”

  “Well, I’m embarrassed. I don’t do men in public!”

  “Except for Nathan the Napkinfucker.”

  Jewel goggled. “Where did you hear about that?”

  “Nina mentioned him at dinner on Sunday. Don’t you recall?”

  My best friend Nina. Think I’ll kill her. Jewel licked dry lips. “That was eight months ago. And we never got caught. And I dumped him. I wish I could dump you!”

  “All you need do is to forget I am there.”

  “Forget you’re in my bed? When you’re sneaking into my head, into my dreams?”

  “Next time I vanish into a bed — or a massage table.” With a gesture he indicated the cab seat between them. “Or an automobile. Simply forget where I have gone.”

  He didn’t have to add the rest of it. If he couldn’t give her an orgasm, he couldn’t get out of the trap by himself. Ever.

  She bit her lip. “You could have told me you were in the massage table, somehow. I could have come back later.”

  “Would you have returned? You seem dissatisfied with my services of late.”

  So he had heard what she said to Griffy! Oh, gosh. But girl talk is a necessity. I can’t cope without girl talk.

  She avoided his eyes. “Well, you’ve been annoying me.”

  “I, on the other hand, cannot afford to be angry with you.”

  That annoyed her even more. He knew darned well that she knew that he couldn’t afford to make her too mad. She was number one hundred on his magic list of stealth fucks. Until he’d given her an orgasm, he’d been sex slave for two centuries.

  And now he was her slave.

  Funny how it felt like she was his.

  If only she could figure out how she felt about that.

  Her embarrassment was easing. She lowered her voice. “Look, this is not about my sex life, or even yours. You have to be careful. You can’t be,” she whispered, “magical. There’s very low tolerance. You’re lucky you got sprung from that brass bed in Chicago. The Policy here is ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell, cope.’ It could have happened in Pittsburgh. Or D.C. I shudder to think what the feds would do with you.”

  “But in only three weeks I have seen magic everywhere—”

  She interrupted him. “You have not seen magic. Not. You’ve observed a few anomalies that can happen in any densely populated community. When diverse peoples rub together, they naturally imagine that their own experience is reality and everyone else’s is weird. A city is a confusing place.” She looked him in the eye with all her force of will. “People imagine they see all kinds of stuff. The world keeps on spinning, whether they decide to cope, or have hysterics over nothing. Why have a cow?”

  “You care for your city,” he said, the lightbulb going on.

  “Duh. It’s my home and it’s my job. There is no magic,” she repeated. Why should he believe her? She didn’t believe herself. “Only a little inconvenience.”

  “Or a large one.”

  Scanning his big body she agreed. “Or a large one.”

  He looked miffed. “Then I must be more convenient.”

  Jewel knew this was as good as it got, Randy-polite-wise.

  She drew a shuddering sigh. “Thank you.”

  o0o

  At Virgil’s mansion, Jewel saw that her humiliations had just begun. The newest addition to the loonybin, Dr. Kauz, was introduced to Virgil.

  Then Griffy told them how Jewel had attracted all eyes at the Hancock Tower. “You should have seen it! I think that machine works. Of course Julia’s already beautiful.” She smiled at Jewel.

  Jewel wondered if anyone could be that nice. “What I want to know is, does the Venus Machine have a reverse setting? Because I’m sick of this.”

  “But you said the Venus Machine was a fraud,” Randy said with malice. “You said there is no magic.”

  “My, my,” Sovay murmured. “The skeptic recants.”

  Jewel felt hunted. “You try it and see how you like it.”

  “Perhaps I shall,” Sovay said. “But you haven’t told them the most exciting part of your day.” Jewel sent her a glare that would have decapitated a lesser bitch. Sovay shrugged her pretty shoulders. “Dr. Kauz, perhaps you could describe it.”

  “Of course, of course,” Kauz said, whipping pictures out of a folder, and Jewel cringed. Did he have pix of her seaweed mummy-wrap dripping off the ceiling? “I have caused my psychespectrometer to be brought here so Herr Thompson can witness phenomenon of Ms. Hess and her powerful green tones.” She thanked God for Kauz’s one-track mind. “Perhaps if strong young backs can bring my psychespectrometer to a room where we can all observe—?” He looked from Clay to Randy.

  “My collection room is at the top of the house,” Virgil said, managing to look ninety years old, sitting still.

  Randy looked snooty. “The servants perhaps?”

  So of course Clay sprang forward. “We’d be delighted to help. Lord Darner, would you care to don a pair of gloves to protect your hands while we lug this thing inside?”

  Randy sniffed, but he followed Clay and Dr. Kauz.

  “I understand that your skepticism has suffered, Ms. Hess,” Virgil said as he led the house party upstairs.

  She mumbled, “It’s sprung a leak.”

  “I think you should keep an open mind,” Griffy said.

  “I’m not paid to keep an open mind.” Jewel hated to admit it, but she was scared. “I want that Venus Machine effect reversed. Even if it’s fake.”

  Virgil smiled at Jewel, and she thought she saw Griffy look away. Great, now I
’m making her jealous. He said, “I’m sure you cannot be more charming than you were already.”

  “It seems she can,” Sovay said in a silky voice.

  Jewel threw her a fuck-you glance. “You got a problem?”

  Sovay raised her manicured hands.

  “I didn’t ask for all this attention,” Jewel said tightly.

  “I’m sure you didn’t. When one has given up hope—” Sovay patted a yawn.

  “I don’t think Julia was ever hopeless with men,” Griffy said, defending her again. “Besides, it can’t be very pleasant to have every man’s attention all the time.

  Sovay coiled her arm through Virgil’s. “One manages.”

  Virgil gave a senile simper.

  To make trouble, Jewel said, “Once you fix me, maybe we should try putting Griffy through the Venus Machine.”

  As he opened the collection room door, Virgil snorted. Or it might have been Sovay beside him.

  Griffy stiffened. “Thank you, Julia,” she said with trembling dignity. “I just might do that.”

  They found that Clay and Randy had brought Dr. Kauz’s machine to the collection room in a service elevator. They assembled it while the doctor made things beep.

  When Jewel walked in, all three men turned toward her like flowers facing the sun.

  She could feel Sovay’s glare, hot on the back of her neck.

  “Fix me!” she blurted.

  After that things got noisy.

  Dr. Kauz and Virgil went into a huddle, twiddling, clanking, and speaking newage.

  Then she stood in front of the psychespectrometer. Then she had her Kirlian picture taken. To Virgil’s painfully obvious sneers, Griffy went through the same process.

  Then the mad scientists fooled with the Venus Machine.

  Those less technical got out of the way. Randy drifted over to Sovay. The butler rolled in the liquor cart. Clay brought wine to Griffy and a Scotch to Jewel.

  “I can’t believe you want to reverse your machinkusization,” Griffy said to Jewel.

  “It sucks,” Jewel said. “Like, uh, Lord Darner said, men follow me like dogs. I feel like Julia Roberts on a bad hair day. I’ve had enough.”

  “See anything good at the spa?” Clay said to Jewel.

  “Oh, yes, they have everything,” Griffy said. “And Julia had her chakras cleaned!”

  “Was that fun?” Clay smiled at Jewel.

  She sent him a silent shh! She was trying to eavesdrop on Sovay, who was chatting up her sex demon.

  “This little scar on your jaw,” Sovay said, drawing her finger down Randy’s face. “How did it happen?”

  “Hunting accident.”

  “A hunting accident!” Sovay echoed in a throbbing voice. “How terrifying!”

  “A mere scratch, dear lady.” Randy smirked.

  Meanwhile Griffy was spilling the beans with a firm hand. “The green goo got everywhere! And the seaweed stuck on the ceiling.”

  Clay swigged his beer. “No!”

  Jewel avoided Clay’s eye. “What are they doing? I want to get this over with.”

  At that point, the mad scientist symposium broke up.

  Dr. Kauz said, “Ms. Hess, if you would be so good as to be seated in the Venus Apparat.”

  Jewel sat in the green velvet chair. “This better work.”

  Dr. Kauz moved her feet. “Don’t vorry. Be happy.” He strapped her ankles in.

  “What th—”

  Virgil moved her head. “Try to envision a complete cure. We’re not convinced this isn’t placebo effect, which is also fascinating. Here—” He lowered a big metal cap over her head.

  She rolled her eyes up at the cap. “Did we do all this last night? Because I don’t remember any straps.”

  “You were in a pretty good mood last night,” Clay murmured.

  Virgil strapped her wrists down. Then he took her pulse. Then he peeled back her right eyelid. “Hm. Still green.”

  By now she was rigid. Bunch of clowns.

  Randy stepped forward and laid his hand on one of her fettered wrists. “Are you certain this is what you wish?”

  “Yes, I’m certain. Cripes, you were there today.”

  He glanced from Virgil to Clay to Kauz. “You cannot know what is in their minds.”

  She let her eyes glitter up at him. He was so transparent. Flirts with Sovay and then tells me what to do. “Maybe I can.”

  Randy heaved a sigh and walked over to Sovay. “I can’t watch this,” she heard him say.

  Dr. Kauz struck a pose at the big knifeswitch. “Stand back, everyone, please! Now, Ms. Hess, you must relax. Think of something beautiful. Are you ready? Oops! No, wait.” Jewel groaned. He twiddled with her straps. “Okay, now we are ready. Relaaaaaxinnnnng—” Out of the corner of her eye she saw him throw the switch.

  Nothing happened.

  “Wonderful!” Dr. Kauz seemed delighted.

  Jewel felt a cautious glow of satisfaction.

  A little tingle started up in her scalp. It was sort of like the tingle she’d got when she found Randy in the bed.

  Uh-oh.

  She looked around for Randy and saw him leaning over Sovay.

  “Okay, let’s see the aura,” Virgil said. “Both ways.”

  “Uh, wait a minute, guys,” Jewel began, “I think something’s happening,” and the tingle turned into a buzz and the buzz spread over her body and then the buzz became a roar that rattled her teeth and shook her fingerprints loose. “YeeeeeOW!”

  Dr. Kauz hurried to pull the cap off and unstrap her.

  “You all right?” Clay said.

  She shook her head, trying to clear it. “I think so.”

  “I don’t think it worked,” Griffy said with a worried frown.

  “She still has a certain glow,” Virgil said.

  “I never saw a difference before,” Sovay said, patting a yawn, “but now she looks much worse. It could be her hair.”

  “Is there any pain?” Dr. Kauz said. “Odd sensation in the extremities? Nausea? Dizziness? Double vision? Bowels move?”

  “That’s enough!” Jewel struggled out of the machine. “For Pete’s sake, leave me alone!”

  “Natürlich. As soon as we perform colorimetry.” Dr. Kauz grabbed her elbow.

  She thrust him away. “Just because I made a mistake and let you do that Venus Machine thing to me, it doesn’t mean I buy into your bogus ideas.”

  Shaken, she elbowed a path to the cart and poured herself a drink with trembling hands.

  Kauz and Virgil watched her suck down Scotch for a moment and then turned to the Venus Machine. “Maybe there’s an accidental ground somewhere,” Virgil said.

  She stopped listening.

  Clay put his arm around her. “You don’t look so good.”

  “That’s right, rub it in.” She drank Scotch, feeling its fire spread, and leaned into him. “Do me a favor and don’t let me get drunk here again. This all started last night when I let Virgil make me drink and play poker.”

  “Uh, shouldn’t that be coffee, then?”

  “Oh.” She handed him her glass. “Yeah.” No one was looking. “Would it,” she whispered, “be out of character for you to take me to my room?”

  He pursed his lips at her. “A little nap before dinner?”

  She peered into his eyes.

  And saw a split-level Colonial style house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever frolicking on the lawn. What the heck? She blinked.

  “A nap alone, of course,” he murmured. The picture faded.

  I must be drunk again. Already.

  Virgil had called the men over to his workbench. Sovay was at his elbow, handing him wrenches and voltmeters, touching his back, smiling at everything he said. Randy smiled at Sovay, looking suave and dangerous.

  Griffy was looking at the Venus Machine, biting her lower lip, like a kibble-fed hound drooling at the Thanksgiving turkey. She wants it.

  Jewel joined her by the Venus Machine. “Listen, I don’t kn
ow if I would recommend that you try this. They’ve done something to it. I don’t remember much of last night, but I’m positive it didn’t zap me that way before.”

  “I can’t afford not to.” Griffy gulped. “I told you, he won’t change. I’ll have to change.”

  Jewel bit her tongue. “Then you’d better slip in and get your dose now, if you want to go through with it.”

  “I want to.”

  Jewel towed her to the green velvet chair, strapped her in, and set the cap on her head. The poor sweet dumb-ass. Nicest person in the world, but she was looking for the wrong thing if she hoped to get that old turtle to stop smirking at Sovay.

  The last buckle clicked. Jewel stuck her thumb in the air.

  Griffy smiled tremulously and jerked up her thumb.

  Oh well. I don’t guess it can’t hurt her.

  “Griffy, you idiot,” Virgil called from the workbench. “That’s not for you!”

  Griffy scowled at him. “Do it,” she told Jewel.

  Jewel threw the switch with a clunk.

  For a long moment Griffy sat there. “Am I supposed to feel anything?” There was a new sparkle in her eye.

  Jewel shrugged.

  Clay appeared at Jewel’s elbow. “Girlfriend,” he said with extra warmth in his voice. Jewel turned toward him. He was holding out his hand and looking past her at Griffy.

  Griffy took the metal cap off her head. “Did it muss my hair?” She let Clay hand her out of the Venus Machine.

  Wow.

  Jewel was reminded of Lady Diana exiting a limo. Clay lifted Griffy’s hand into the air, wolf-whistling, and she pirouetted for him.

  The butler, clearing away dirty coffeecups, looked up at his mistress and let a spoon slide, tinkling, to the floor.

  “Your hair’s fine,” Jewel said.

  In fact Griffy looked dynamite. In her going-to-spa clothes and all her jewels, she looked like a movie star. She seemed younger. All her movements slowed down somehow, so you could notice how everything about her was perfect.

  Dr. Kauz came away from the workbench like a sleepwalker.

  Virgil followed, looking thunderous.

  Sovay took one look, seized Randy by the arm, and swanned out of the collection room with her nose in a sling.

  Griffy turned under Clay’s hand like a ballerina on a music box, and Jewel realized that under all that niceness and self-effacement was a beautiful woman. She smiled on everyone as she turned, and the air smelled sweeter.