Too Far

by Jason Starr

  ‘You didn’t answer my question,’ I said. ‘Am I crazy or not?’

  ‘My job is to evaluate you, Mr Harper, and –’

  ‘I know what your fucking job is.’

  Cuvis came over, ready to escort Dr. Lindsay out of the room, but she held up her hand to him – the stop sign.

  ‘To answer a question you asked me earlier,’ she said to me, ‘you’ll be released when I determine you’re fit to be released, and when the police feel it’s safe to release you. There’s no set timetable, but remaining cooperative with the process is probably a good idea.’

  Great, now she sounded like Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

  ‘Fine, I’ll do what you suggest,’ I said, leaning on suggest for a little passive-aggressiveness. ‘You want me to call Freemont, I’ll call Freemont. Does that mean I can get my cell back?’

  ‘We’ll contact him,’ she said.

  As she left the room, Cuvis didn’t stop watching me.

  * * *

  I knew what their MO was. They’d keep me here until they gathered enough evidence to deem me crazy and commit me, maybe for life. Why did that guy have to grab me on the subway platform? New York is full of assholes; my luck, I had to cross paths with the one nice guy.

  Dr. Lindsay returned to my room and asked me many of the same questions she’d asked me during her first visit. This was obviously more of their grand plan to drive me insane. I tried to stay patient, but how long can anyone stay patient answering the same damn questions over and over again? Eventually, I raised my voice – didn’t shout, just raised it – and she tapped something into her iPad.

  Their plan was so effective that even I began to wonder if I was crazy, and the belief that I wasn’t crazy, and they were just trying to make me think I was crazy, was a manifestation of my craziness.

  See how twisted they were making me?

  * * *

  I was at the desk, picking at another delicious TV dinner, when Freemont arrived. He looked at me, I thought, in a disappointed way, like a parent who’d been called to school because his kid has been sent to the principal’s office.

  ‘We meet again,’ he said.

  ‘Hey,’ I said. ‘I’d invite you to join me, but I don’t think you’d be into the recycled turkey.’

  Ignoring my attempt at an ice-breaking joke, he glanced at Cuvis, who was sitting stone-faced in the corner – hey, maybe it was my delivery – then said, ‘Can you wait outside?’

  ‘Yeah, but I’ll have to keep the door open,’ Cuvis said.

  Freemont sat in the chair that Cuvis had vacated and said, ‘This would’ve been a lot easier if you’d turned yourself in like I suggested.’

  ‘I want to confess,’ I said.

  ‘Confess, huh?’

  ‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘I killed Sophie Ward, then I killed Anthony Sorrentino and Lawrence Ward. I’m a cold-blooded murderer. You know how they say the killers are the ones you least expect? The nice guy who goes to work every day? The husband, the father? Well, that’s me. I’m a nice guy on the outside, evil on the inside. But I didn’t try to kill myself. I don’t want to go for an insanity plea because I’m not insane.’

  The best-case scenario for me would be a quick conviction and a death sentence. Unlikely in New York, but it was worth a shot. Otherwise, I’d kill myself in my jail cell the first opportunity I got. Well, that was my plan anyway.

  ‘I agree with you,’ he said.

  ‘Agree with what?’

  ‘That you’re not insane. I had a talk with Dr. Lindsay. She says you have no signs of mental illness, you’re just playing games with yourself – her words not mine. You feel guilty about things so want to take responsibility, but I’m here to tell you, you can let go of all that now. I think you’re gonna walk.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ I said. ‘What’re you talking about?’

  ‘I mean, the police got their man and he’s dead. The cops know Lawrence killed Anthony Sorrentino. By the way, man, if you’re gonna hire a PI you should really tell your lawyer about it.’

  ‘I didn’t hire him, he’s a friend from AA.’

  ‘There’s no way that could go wrong,’ Freemont said sarcastically.

  ‘Wait,’ I said, ‘so how do they know Lawrence –’

  ‘Killed him? Witness saw him leave the building. DNA on the body, DNA on Ward’s body.’

  ‘What about Lawrence Ward’s murder?’ I said. ‘They can’t think he killed himself?’

  ‘No, they know you killed him.’

  ‘Then how’m I gonna walk?’

  ‘You’ll have to explain exactly what went down at the house and why you went there in the first place, but the police know that was self-defense.’

  ‘They do? How?’

  ‘Well, it helps that there’s video of the entire incident. Ward had a security system at his place. You’ll have to explain why you strangled him, though. On the video, it looks like you could’ve let up, but you didn’t. You’ll have to explain how you panicked, your adrenaline kicked in, something like that. That shouldn’t be hard to explain since it was his weapon. You’d just been attacked and all so it makes sense you’d want to defend yourself. Given the police now know that Lawrence Ward killed Anthony Sorrentino, I don’t anticipate a problem. In other words, the cops don’t seem too upset that Ward’s off the board. It’s not like you killed some innocent guy. You killed a killer.’

  I was trying to absorb all of this, figure out what it meant.

  ‘What about Sophie Ward’s murder?’ I asked. ‘Before Anthony and Ward were killed, you wanted me to come down. They were ready to arrest me.’

  ‘I never said they were going to arrest you,’ Freemont said. ‘You know, you should really clarify these things before you block my number. You were a person of interest, yes, but I think they know they don’t have enough to build a case against you. Besides, now that Ward killed Anthony it seems more likely that he killed his wife, too. There may be a hole in his alibi, the police are looking into it. Anyway, Anthony was probably getting too close to the truth, so Ward took him out. That’s the theory the cops are working with now anyway. As long as no new information comes up that involves you in any way, I think you’ll be in the clear.’

  ‘Sorry for blocking you,’ I said. ‘So I’m not going to be charged with anything?’

  ‘Assuming the questioning goes the way I hope it’s going to go – no, you won’t be charged. So you can stop all the game playing, all right? Just be honest with the doctors, yourself, and, most importantly, with me. After you get whatever treatment you need, yeah, you’re gonna get out of here. I don’t get it, why aren’t you smiling? You should be happy.’

  ‘Happy.’ I let that linger, then added, ‘I’m in fucking Bellevue. I’ve lost everything. If I get out of here I won’t have money to take a subway, I’ll have nowhere to stay. I’ll be homeless, begging on the streets. And you’re talking about happy?’

  I knew I was being a little melodramatic, but still – it wasn’t far from the truth.

  ‘I know it’s rough,’ Freemont said, ‘but people bounce back. You’re a smart guy, resourceful. You said you’re in AA, right? I’m sure you can find a friend’s couch to crash on till you get your life in shape again.’

  ‘Yeah, that worked out great for me the last time.’

  Freemont half-smiled at my morbid humor, then said, ‘Tell you what. I have a guestroom in my house in Brooklyn, Kensington. If you can’t find someplace to stay, you can stay with us till you can.’

  ‘You don’t have to do that.’

  ‘I know I don’t.’

  I was moved, but didn’t want to break down in front of him.

  ‘Look, Jack,’ he said, ‘you worry about rebuilding one step at a time. First, we get you out of here, clear your name, and then you worry about your ot
her issues. But you should feel good about this – this is a good development. Things’ll get better for you, I promise.’

  I didn’t see how getting out of Bellevue as a free man would necessarily make my life any better, but I did see a positive in the situation.

  When I got out, I’d definitely have another chance to kill myself.

  * * *

  Later, Cuvis told me I had another visitor. I figured it was Barasco to charge me with at least one murder.

  ‘Send him in,’ I said.

  ‘Her,’ Cuvis said.

  I figured it was Dr. Lindsay, returning for more evaluation of my mental state.

  Instead, Maria entered.

  I didn’t expect to ever see her again, outside of divorce court. She remained near the door with a neutral expression that I read as cold. Had she come here to tell me I was an asshole, that I’d ruined her life, that she was going to divorce me and take Jonah away to another state or country?

  Bracing myself, I said, ‘I know you probably hate me right now, but thank you for coming. It means a lot to me.’

  She looked like she was trying to see through me. I’d seen this look before – her death stare. It was usually right before she lashed in to me with a tirade, and this would be her worst ever. She’d locked me out of our apartment and gotten a restraining order when she thought I’d killed one person; what would she do now?

  Well, at least we were in a hospital, with guards, so there was a limit to how angry she could possibly get.

  ‘I guess you’ve heard about what happened,’ I added. ‘It’s been a crazy few days.’

  ‘How are you?’ she asked.

  She didn’t sound angry, but maybe this was just the dawn before the storm.

  Going for a preemptive strike, I said, ‘Look, I’m sorry. I know how angry you must be right now, and I don’t blame you. I’d be angry at me too if I were you. I just hope we both can put Jonah first right now, not put him through any more than we already have. How is he by the way?’

  She continued to stare at me ambiguously for a while, then said, ‘He’s fine. He misses you.’

  She was still being civil. I didn’t know why she was being civil, if it was part of a ploy, but I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted.

  ‘I miss him, too. Where is he now?’

  ‘In school, the sitter’s picking him up.’

  ‘How’s he doing?’

  ‘He likes his teacher a lot. His reading’s getting better.’

  ‘That’s good, I knew he’d catch up. He’s a smart kid. He gets it from you.’

  She didn’t seem upset, but I was still expecting her to lash out at me.

  ‘Look, I know you hate me,’ I said. ‘If you’re here to tell me off one last time, can you just make it quick? I’ve been through a lot lately.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I know you came here to yell at me,’ I said, ‘tell me what a piece of shit I am. So let’s just get it over with.’

  ‘I’m not angry at you, Jack.’

  I let this sink in, then said, ‘You’re not?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Actually I’m happy to see you.’

  ‘You are?’ I didn’t believe her.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘You don’t owe me any apologies either.’

  ‘But after everything I –’

  ‘No, it was my fault,’ she said. ‘I overreacted. Actually, I was afraid if I told you I was coming, you wouldn’t want to see me.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to see you?’

  ‘I locked you out of your home,’ she said. ‘I stopped your credit cards, had you arrested.’

  ‘I mean, besides that?’ I smiled, trying to make it into a joke, though I didn’t think there was anything really funny about any of it.

  ‘I was hurt,’ she said. ‘The detective was telling me about that website you were on, how you might’ve been cheating on me, but like I said… I jumped to conclusions and that was wrong. Not just for you, for Jonah. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.’

  It occurred to me that since I’d known Maria she hadn’t apologized to me. I didn’t think ‘sorry’ was in her vocabulary.

  ‘I wasn’t cheating,’ I said. ‘I was just flirting. I mean, I’m not making any excuses for my behavior, I know what I did was wrong. But it’s not like it was a habit. It was a one-time thing, I got sucked in, I made a mistake. I don’t know if you heard, but I’ll probably be getting out of here with no charges filed. I want to go into therapy, into counseling, do whatever it takes to figure myself out.’

  ‘I know you’re getting out,’ she said, ‘and I want to help you.’

  ‘What?’ I’d heard her, I just wanted to hear it again.

  ‘I want to help you.’ She took a few steps toward me and stopped. ‘I mean, I won’t say I’m totally past this, because I’m not, but you’re still my son’s father, and I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I talked to my cousin, Michael, and he put me in touch with a great criminal lawyer. It’s ridiculous that you’re using that Legal Aid guy.’

  ‘He’s done a good job for me so far.’

  ‘Then you have to quit when you’re ahead. You’re going to use Michael’s contact and you’ll get everything taken care of. If they don’t charge you with anything and try to keep you here, we’ll fight it. Michael says they can’t keep you here involuntarily. Have you talked to the police yet since you’ve been here?’

  ‘Since I was admitted here?’ I said. ‘No.’

  ‘That’s good,’ she said. ‘You don’t want to say anything without a great lawyer representing you.’

  ‘Why are you doing all of this for me?’ I asked.

  She seemed confused. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Being so nice,’ I said. ‘I mean, I did a horrible thing to you and Jonah. I caused all of this.’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘You didn’t.’ She came over and held my hand. ‘I know we’ve had problems over the years, but I didn’t want any of this to happen to you, and you definitely don’t deserve it. I just panicked when Detective Barasco told me you were on that website. I assumed the worst, but what woman wouldn’t? But I know you, Jack. I know you’re not a bad person, and I know you’re a great father. We’ll need more openness in our marriage and more honesty going forward, that’s for sure. I know I’ve been opposed to counseling, but that’s probably a good idea too.’ Her eyes looked glassy. ‘I want you back, Jack. We want you back.’

  While everything she’d told me sounded genuine, somehow I still didn’t trust it. I thought I’d lost her forever.

  She moved closer. I thought she might kiss me, but instead she pulled back and said, ‘We’ll talk more… later.’

  I watched her leave.

  * * *

  A couple of hours later, a woman, about fifty years old, with short curly brown hair, in a conservative, uncomfortable-looking navy wool dress, entered and said, ‘Mr Harper?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘who’re –’

  ‘Rachel Goldman. I’m a criminal attorney. Michael Brant suggested I meet with you.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ I said. ‘Thanks for coming down, but I don’t think this is necessary. I have a lawyer.’

  ‘It’s a big mistake to use a Legal Aid attorney for a case like this,’ Rachel said. ‘One slip-up and you’ll wind up in jail, maybe for the rest of your life.’

  Realizing she could be right, that I should probably quit while I was ahead with Freemont, I said, ‘Well, I’m willing to hear what you have to say.’

  She pulled up a chair and asked me to explain everything that had happened since I’d met Sophie Ward online. At times she interrupted me to clarify something, then had me continue. Although she was humorless and didn’t have as much personality as Freemont, she did seem much more experienced.

  When I started telling her about wh
at had happened at the house in White Plains, she interrupted with, ‘Did Lawrence Ward tell you anything about his wife’s murder?’

  ‘You mean did he confess?’ I asked.

  She nodded.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I mean, not really. He said, “You don’t know what you’re dealing with.’” Is that a confession?’

  ‘Is that all he said?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Actually I have the whole thing recorded.’

  ‘You do?’ She seemed surprised.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I was hoping to get a confession, but I didn’t.’

  ‘That’s great,’ she said. ‘I’ll have to listen to the recording. In the meantime, it would be a good idea to not mention anything specific about what you discussed, so there are no contradictions.’

  ‘Got it,’ I said.

  ‘If you’d like to work with me, you’ll need to inform your current attorney that you no longer require his services.’

  Using Rachel’s phone, I called Freemont and explained the situation. He didn’t exactly sound crushed.

  ‘Makes sense, man,’ he said. ‘If I were you I’d do the same thing. Good luck with everything, I mean that.’

  A few minutes later, Barasco arrived.

  ‘Hey, Rachel,’ he said.

  ‘Nick,’ Rachel said.

  ‘You two know each other?’ I asked.

  ‘We’ve crossed paths,’ Barasco said. ‘So, out of curiosity, how are you affording her services?’

  ‘My client won’t answer that question,’ Rachel said.

  ‘Protecting his boundaries already.’ Barasco said to me, ‘Looks like you’re already getting your money’s worth.’

  Barasco questioned me about my whereabouts on the day that Anthony and Lawrence were killed. He sounded straightforward, not antagonistic like in previous questionings. I explained that I took a cab to White Plains and what had happened between Ward and me.

  ‘You knew there was a warrant for your arrest when you went to White Plains.’ Barasco said. ‘Is that correct?’

  ‘No, I didn’t know,’ I said, ‘and I wasn’t planning to run away. I just wanted to clear my name, see my son again.’