Too Far

by Jason Starr

  In the lobby, some reporters and other news crew had arrived, and some residents of the building had assembled as well. A few reporters shouted questions, but I ignored them. It was humiliating and I tried to look straight ahead, not make eye contact with anyone. Most of my neighbors had already heard about me in the news, knew I had been in Bellevue, they probably thought I was crazy after all.

  At Mount Sinai Hospital, after a doctor examined me, a nurse arrived.

  ‘Can I call my son?’ I asked her.

  ‘Of course you can,’ she said.

  She let me borrow her cell and I called Carly’s. Her father answered. I asked him if it was okay if Jonah stayed there tonight.

  ‘Of course,’ he said. ‘So what exactly happened? I heard the police had to go to your place.’

  I didn’t want to alarm him and make him think he was in an unsafe situation.

  ‘It’s all going to be fine,’ I said. ‘But, do me a favor, if Maria calls, or shows up, don’t let her into the apartment or near Jonah. Call the police right away.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘but why?’

  ‘She just may be a little, well, unstable right now. Nothing to worry about at all, it’s just a precaution. I really appreciate you watching Jonah. Can I speak to him?’

  ‘Sure thing.’

  I waited a few seconds.

  ‘Hi, Daddy,’ Jonah said.

  ‘My favorite sound in the world,’ I said. ‘How are you?’

  ‘When are you picking me up?’

  ‘As soon as I can, but probably not till tomorrow.’

  ‘Can Mommy pick me up?’

  ‘No, she can’t either.’

  Detective Barasco entered.

  ‘Hey, I have to go now,’ I said, ‘but I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.’

  ‘I love you too, Daddy.’

  I ended the call.

  ‘Why I am I getting déjà vu?’ Barasco asked.

  ‘Maria, my wife, killed Sophie Ward,’ I said. ‘She was also involved in Anthony’s murder.’

  ‘How do you know this?’ he asked.

  I explained that I had phone records showing frequent contact with Lawrence Ward and that she was FUGITIVE_RED.

  ‘If you examine her iPad you can probably find cookies or whatever.’

  ‘I’ll need to see whatever you have right away,’ he said.

  ‘I have it backed up on the cloud,’ I said. ‘Just get me a laptop and I’ll send you everything. But you have to find Maria right away and keep her away from my son. She tried to kill me.’

  ‘Why did she try to kill you?’

  ‘If you don’t mind, I don’t want to talk to you about any more of this until my lawyer gets here.’

  ‘Look at you,’ Barasco said, ‘knowing all your rights.’

  Barasco said he’d come back later.

  I called Marcus Freemont and said, ‘Guess who?’

  ‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘What happened to your other lawyer?’

  ‘Let’s just say there’s a lot I need to catch you up on,’ I said.

  When Freemont arrived at the hospital, it was past midnight.

  ‘You trying to visit every hospital in town before you die?’ he asked.

  ‘Ha, good to see you too,’ I said. ‘Sorry I replaced you the other day, but I was pressured by my wife and –’

  ‘No worries,’ he said, ‘I’ve had worse disappointments. So what the hell happened?’

  I explained everything that had gone down at our apartment.

  ‘The cops can find the pieces of my cell phone on the street,’ I said, ‘maybe there’s a way to recover the data.’

  ‘Doubtful,’ he said, ‘but I’ll look into it. Hopefully we can get by without her confession, we’ll see.’

  Barasco joined us.

  ‘My client’s ready to talk,’ Freemont said.

  ‘Finally,’ Barasco said. ‘By the way, we’re looking for your wife. Do you have any idea where she went? Does she have any relatives?’

  ‘She has a cousin, Michael Brant. He’s a lawyer. She has a friend Steve in Westchester, maybe he knows something.’

  ‘Text me all the contact info and we’ll check it out,’ Barasco said. ‘So what do you have to tell me?’

  I told Barasco what I’d told Freemont.

  ‘Sounds like you did some good work there,’ Barasco said. ‘Of course, I’m gonna take credit for it.’

  I didn’t think he was joking.

  ‘Actually, we already have unknown DNA from the Sophie Ward crime scene.’

  ‘That could be Maria’s,’ I said.

  ‘Could be,’ he said. ‘We’ll have to run some more tests to confirm it, though. Send me the name of your wife’s doctor and dentist too, if you can.’

  * * *

  The doctors made me stay overnight for observation. In the morning, as per hospital protocol, they transported me via wheelchair to the hospital’s exit on Madison Avenue, and then I rushed out and hailed a cab.

  I had no plan for what I’d say to Jonah. How could I possibly explain to him what his mother had done? How could he possibly understand, when I didn’t understand it myself?

  When I saw him, sitting on the floor with Carly, coloring in coloring books, I didn’t even try to explain anything to him; how could I?

  I just hugged him and told him how much I loved him. That was the best I could do.

  * * *

  Later, Freemont called me with some news – the DNA from the townhouse was linked to Maria. In addition, on Maria’s iPad, they found cookies of her chat sessions as ‘FUGITIVE_RED’ on Discreet Hookups. The police found a few witnesses who had seen Maria and Lawrence together at various Manhattan hotels, and supporting video provided additional evidence of their affair.

  The bad news was the police hadn’t found Maria.

  ‘The cops are all over it now,’ Freemont said. ‘She’s a top priority. They’re looking all over New York State, and in surrounding states.’

  ‘Yeah, but by now she could be out of the country,’ I said.

  ‘Maybe,’ he said. ‘Have you noticed any withdrawals from your bank account?’

  Shit, why hadn’t I thought about that sooner? I’d been so worried about Jonah I hadn’t been able to focus on anything else.

  ‘Hold one sec,’ I said.

  On my phone, I logged on to our joint bank account. Sure enough, the 200,000 dollars was gone.

  ‘Fuck me,’ I said.

  ‘What happened?’ Freemont asked.

  ‘Let’s just say I don’t think money is an issue for her right now,’ I said.

  * * *

  I was hoping that the police would find Maria and arrest her. But days, then weeks, went by and the police had no leads. It was like she had vanished.

  I tried to get back into a routine, rebuild my life and Jonah’s life, but it was hard to move on. I knew Maria wouldn’t stay away forever. At some point she’d return and try to get revenge, or try to see Jonah. I felt like I was constantly looking over my shoulder, waiting for Maria to appear at any moment. My thoughts became increasingly paranoid.

  Some people with PTSD flashback to a particular event, but I had flashbacks to discovering Sophie and Anthony’s bodies, killing Lawrence, my attempted suicide, and fighting with Maria. There were days I felt like I belonged back at Bellevue, but I fought through it. I knew I had a huge responsibility now to Jonah. I was the only support system he had and I couldn’t let him down.

  Jonah also showed signs of PTSD. He was anxious and depressed, and one day I had to pick him up from school after he had a panic attack.

  We saw a family therapist together and psychiatrists individually. I was taking Paxil for my symptoms. Jonah wasn’t on any meds because of his age, but his psychiatrist didn’t rule out meds in the futu
re if he didn’t show improvement.

  Jonah and I didn’t talk specifically about what had happened. I didn’t pressure him to, getting the vibe that he felt more comfortable talking to his therapist about it.

  So I was surprised when, one day after school pickup, he said to me, ‘Did Mommy kill people?’

  I didn’t want to avoid the question. I’d talked to my own therapist about this very issue. Avoidance wasn’t behavior I wanted to model.

  ‘One person,’ I said.

  ‘How come?’

  I took a few moments, to organize my thoughts, then said, ‘I know this is hard for you to understand. But your mom had a lot of problems. It doesn’t mean you’ll ever have problems.’

  We walked for a while in silence. Leaves were falling from the trees, but neither of us tried to snag them.

  ‘I miss Mommy so much,’ Jonah said.

  ‘I know you do,’ I said.

  We continued on.

  * * *

  Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

  I sent a short email to Rob McEvoy, apologizing for what I’d done and for any pain I’d caused him. Then I blocked his number, and blocked him on Facebook, so if he tried to contact me, I wouldn’t feel pressured to respond. Rob had been a negative influence and I had to get negative people out of my life.

  I thanked Raymond Ferrara, the man who’d prevented me from jumping onto the subway tracks, for saving my life and apologized for not thanking him sooner.

  I wanted to take full responsibility for everything I’d done and not blame others for my mistakes. But, going forward, I also wanted to focus on positive relationships, and rid my life of negative influences.

  I worked hard on my resume and went to job interviews. Finally, I landed a job in the PR department at a recording studio downtown. It wasn’t a creative position, but it would help get me back into an artistic mindset. I played guitar every evening at home. Music had always been my passion, but it was also a great form of therapy, and I realized how much I’d missed it over the years. I’d even written a few new songs – for myself. I wasn’t planning to play them in public any time soon, but it felt amazing to just play again, to have music back in my life. I was teaching Jonah how to play guitar as well. He loved it, had a natural ear. Thank God for music. I know this might sound corny, but music was helping us heal.

  I attended AA meetings two or three days a week. I had a new sobriety date, and I was hoping it was the last one I’d need. I certainly had enough new material to give inspirational speeches for the rest of my life.

  I spent just about all of my free time with Jonah. Especially now that he only had one parent to raise him, I wanted to be there for him as much as I possibly could. Except for going to AA meetings, I didn’t use a babysitter. I was home with Jonah – cooking his meals, helping him with his homework. Evenings were much more peaceful than they used to be when Maria was living with us. There was no tension, no fighting. Best of all, I got to spend more time with my son.

  Several months passed by. I checked in with Barasco every couple of weeks or so, hoping to hear news that Maria had been arrested, or at least the police had some new solid leads.

  ‘We won’t give up looking for her, I promise,’ Barasco said.

  Over the summer, Jonah and I took a trip to California. We went to San Francisco, camped in Big Sur, and then drove down the coast to L.A. and Disneyland.

  There was one weird incident at Disneyland. We were online at Haunted Mansion when I thought I saw Maria in the crowd, about fifty yards away. It was hard to tell for sure, but the hair was the same – maybe a little longer – and that red dress looked like hers.

  ‘What’s wrong, Daddy?’ Jonah asked.

  I felt lightheaded and dizzy. Someone passed in front of me, momentarily blocking my vision, and the woman in the dress was gone. I glanced in every direction, but it was like she’d disappeared.

  I decided that my mind had been playing tricks – it wasn’t her; I’d just confused her with someone else. I didn’t give it much more thought and we enjoyed the rest of our vacation.

  Back in Manhattan, it was a new school year, and for the first time in a long time, things felt normal. Jonah had made new friends in school and joined a soccer league. I took him to the soccer games, cheering him on.

  On the night of the Halloween Boo Bash at the gym in Jonah’s school, I hung out with the other parents. Rebecca, a recently divorced mom around my age, came over to chat. She’d been friendly with me before, always saying hi and smiling. Tonight was different. I could tell she was getting flirty by the way she was making eye contact with me and how she touched my arm a couple of times.

  ‘Hey, we should get coffee sometime,’ she said.

  Just to get away, I pretended I was getting a call on my cell.

  ‘Sorry, have to take this,’ I said, and went outside.

  I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want to lead her on either. I guess I should’ve been interested – she was pretty and smart and fun to talk to. It had been about a year since Maria had disappeared, and I felt more together emotionally, but I just didn’t have any desire to date, or to get into a relationship. For the first time in a long time, I was liking my life again, and I didn’t feel the need to make any big changes.

  Later, back at our apartment, I helped Jonah with his usual nightly routine – homework, then washing up and getting ready for bed. Before sleep, he showed me some silly YouTube videos a friend at school had shared with him.

  ‘G’night kiddo,’ I said, then turned off the light and shut the door to his room.

  ‘’Night, Daddy.’

  Now it was time for my nightly routine.

  In my bedroom, I locked the door and got naked. Then I logged onto Discreet Hookups with my user name, FUGITIVE.RED and my password, SOPHIE.

  Yes, I needed an outlet, and this felt safer than trying to have an actual relationship.

  I scrolled through the dozens of women I’d sexted with over the past several months, trying to decide who I was in the mood for tonight. SOSEXXXY69 was online. She claimed she had a husband who traveled a lot and ignored her. Maybe it was all a lie, but I guess that was part of the thrill.

  SOSEXXXY69: Hey, how’re you tonight, baby?

  I felt like I’d taken a first sip of alcohol after a long, hard day

  FUGITIVE.RED: Ready to party!

  SOSEXXXY69: Awesome! Let’s do it!

  We chatted for a while, exchanging our raunchiest fantasies.

  Then it hit me. It made so much sense; I didn’t know how I hadn’t realized it soon.

  FUGITIVE.RED: It’s you, isn’t it?

  Long pause. Maybe I’d been wrong, just getting paranoid as usual.

  SOSEXXXY69: Who?

  FUGITIVE.RED: You know who.

  SOSEXXXY69: I don’t know what you’re talking about

  FUGITIVE.RED: I know it’s you okay? You can be honest with me I won’t turn you in, I promise! I just want to know you’re alive and safe

  I realized I could’ve been wrong about all of this. SOSEXXXY69 could have been a lonely, married woman.

  After a few minutes passed, I tried to send, Are you there? but my message didn’t go through.

  Instead I got: SOSEXXY69 DOESN’T EXIST

  She must have deleted the account.

  ‘Damn it,’ I said.

  It had been her – I was sure of it. I could tell by how she’d made me feel. Only she could’ve brought out that kind of intensity.

  I pictured her on a tropical island, lounging by the ocean, sipping a cocktail, laughing her ass off, proud of herself for duping me again.

  I guess I should’ve been angry; instead, I laughed with her.

  It felt great to have my wife back.

  Acknowledgements

/>   Thank you to my agent dream team, Joel Gotler and Murray Weiss, for their many close reads and spot-on editorial input. My longtime overseas publishers, No Exit Press and Diogenes Verlag, have supported me throughout my entire career and were early champions of Too Far. And thank you to the whole crew at Oceanview Publishing for bringing this novel to life in the U.S. and Canada.

  About the author

  Jason Starr is the international bestselling author of many crime novels and thrillers and his books have been published in over a dozen languages. He has also co-written several novels with Ken Bruen for Hard Case Crime and his work in comics for Marvel, DC, Vertigo, and Boom! Studios has featured Wolverine, The Punisher, Batman, Doc Savage, The Avenger, Ant Man and The Sandman. Many of his books are in development for film and TV.

  Starr’s bestselling crime novels include Cold Caller, Nothing Personal, Fake ID, Hard Feelings, Tough Luck and Twisted City, followed by Lights Out, The Follower, and Panic Attack and his latest novel Savage Lane, was also published by No Exit.

  He is one of only several authors who have won the Anthony Award for mystery fiction multiple times. He was born in Brooklyn and lives in Manhattan.

  Jasonstarr.com

  Copyright

  This edition first published in the UK

  in 2019 by No Exit Press,

  an imprint of Oldcastle Books

  PO Box 394, Harpenden,

  Herts, AL5 1XJ, UK

  noexit.co.uk

  @NoExitPress

  © 2019 Jason Starr

  The right of Jason Starr to be identified as the author

  of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright,

  Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored

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  or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or

  otherwise) without the written permission of the publishers.

  Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and