The Shadows

by Chance, Megan

  “We’ll take Lucy too,” Rose said with excitement. “She’s moping about her stableboy, so this will give her something else to think about.”

  I didn’t really want Lucy there, but I supposed if she was going to be my sister-in-law, I should make her a better friend. Rose sent a message around to the Devlins’, and Lucy was free. The day was pleasant and not as hot as the last few had been, and so we walked to the square. Lucy had said we could take her carriage.

  “It gives her another chance to see her stableboy,” I noted.

  Rose dimpled. “Exactly. And we’ll want her in a good mood for shopping.”

  I hoped to see Patrick, but when we got there his mother said that he was at the shop. “He’ll be so sorry to learn he’s missed you, my dear. But I’m grateful you’re taking Lucy with you this afternoon. She’s been most . . .” Mrs. Devlin spoke as if hoping I would understand, and I did. Better than she knew.

  “Hopefully, Rose and I can change her mood.”

  “I’ve already ordered the carriage for you, and it should be here in a few moments.” She glanced up the stairs. “I’m certain Lucy won’t dawdle.”

  Rose said, “Perhaps we should go up and hurry her along.”

  “Oh, please do. And you girls must stop at the confectioner’s after. Have them put it on my bill.”

  “You’re very kind, ma’am,” I said.

  She smiled and hurried off; Rose looked up the stairs and sighed. “Well then. Into the lion’s den.”

  I shuddered. “Perhaps we should go without her.”

  “And give up a visit to the confectioner’s? You must be mad.”

  “You know I won’t be able to help at all. She doesn’t like me that much.”

  Rose grimaced. “Coward. But if I’m gone more than fifteen minutes, you’d better come rescue me.”

  “Fifteen minutes,” I agreed.

  She took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and went up to Lucy.

  I walked outside to wait on the stoop. There was a small bench that looked out at the cast-iron railing and the raised brick beds with their yew hedges. Promenaders trailed from the park, women with their veiled hats, elegant men seeming not to sweat despite the warmth, a few children with their parents.

  I reached into my pocket for the book that Patrick had given me, opening it to “Dark Rosaleen,” soaking up the words because they belonged to him, because somehow I could see him so clearly when I read them.

  I was lost in thoughts of Patrick when I heard the thudding creak of carriage wheels, and I looked up as the Devlin carriage came to a stop before the house. I closed the book and stood, going down the steps to tell the driver that Lucy and Rose would be there in a moment. Then the boy who’d brought the carriage jumped down from the seat.

  My first thought was that he was stunningly beautiful.

  My second was that he was glowing. Glowing. Not just limned by the sun, but glowing as if he were the sun. The light began at the very center of him and spread, an aurora that pulsed and radiated, and suddenly I was struck with blinding pain, a spike driven hard into my temples, so I gasped and dropped Patrick’s book, and the whole world tilted and spun and I was falling—

  Arms caught me, holding me close. “Careful now, lass. Careful. I’ve got you.” A deep voice, a heavy Irish accent in my ear, an arm like an iron bar around my waist. I grabbed his hand, and the world righted; the pain in my head abated as if it had only been waiting for his touch—there and then, just as suddenly as it had come, fading nearly to nothing, to a dull throb. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I felt shaky but no longer light-headed.

  His face was only inches from mine. He looked to be eighteen, or perhaps nineteen, and that he was Lucy’s stableboy there was no doubt. She’d said he was handsome. He was much more than that. Dark, shaggy hair fell into his face, nearly covering his black eyes so I had to resist the urge to push it out of the way. He had a long face and a strong chin with a bit of a cleft. A wide mouth. Full lips and a blade of a nose—big enough that it should have marred his beauty, though it didn’t in the least. My breath seemed to lodge in my chest. My heart set up this rapid beat. I thought: Oh, here you are at last.

  As if I knew him, as if I’d been waiting for him, though I’d never seen him before in my life. He was not someone you could forget.

  He frowned at me, drawing back. “Have we met?” His voice was much deeper than such prettiness should allow.

  I heard myself say, “You must be Lucy’s stableboy.”

  He replied bluntly, “And who are you?”

  Arrogant, a little superior. Startlingly impertinent.

  “Grace Knox.”

  “You’re Devlin’s lass.”

  Devlin’s lass. Patrick. Now I was aware of the fact that we were standing in front of Patrick’s house, and that this boy hadn’t released me and I hadn’t asked him to. And worse, that I didn’t want him to. He held me so tightly that every inch of me pressed against him. And my skin tingled as if it had stopped being numb after a very long time.

  No. Oh no, no. This could ruin everything.

  I tried to push away. His arms only tightened. I said, “Please. Please let me go.”

  “I’m going to take you inside. Can you walk, or do you need carrying?”

  “No.” I shook my head, trying to bring my thoughts into some kind of focus. “You were glowing in the sun, and . . . just let me sit. I’m all right. Truly.”

  He looked as if he didn’t believe me, but he let go. He appeared as reluctant to stop touching me as I was for him to do so, and I was startled at how cold I was when he released me. I felt for the brick ledge of the flower bed and sat on its narrow edge, leaning back against the springy yew.

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you inside?”

  That accent was so strong he must have just come off the boat. Oh God. I put my hand to my head. Only the memory of pain remained. “I’m all right,” I said again.

  “You’ll pardon me if I say you don’t look it.” He smiled; a long dimple creased one cheek. It made him more attractive than ever. I swallowed hard and then was irritated with myself for being so affected. Patrick! I reminded myself.

  “I told you I’m fine,” I snapped. “And I don’t know how you can see anything with that hair in your eyes.”

  “You’ve a sharp tongue for a girl who was swooning in my arms only moments ago.”

  “You’re very arrogant for a stableboy.”

  He shrugged. Cocky and confident. Again that grin. “And that was a quick recovery you made, lass. Perhaps the quickest I’ve ever seen.”

  “My headache’s gone already. It’s never been so—” I understood then what he’d meant. “You think I swooned just so you would catch me?”

  “’Twouldn’t be the first time.”

  “Well it wasn’t this time. It had nothing to do with you. It was the glow.”

  “So you said.”

  “You were glowing. You were.” I realized the moment I said it how absurd it sounded. And the truth was, now that it was over, I didn’t quite believe it myself. It had been so strange. “I don’t know. I haven’t had anything to eat this morning. Perhaps it was only that.”

  “No doubt.”

  That smile of his dropped right though me. I jerked to my feet—too fast; the blood rushed from my head. I flailed uselessly for the railing.

  He grabbed my arm to steady me, close enough that I saw that his eyes weren’t black at all but a deep, deep blue.

  He didn’t even try to hide his laughter. “A trick stops working when you try it too often, lass. Next time I’ll let you fall.”

  “Why, Grace, there you are!”

  Lucy’s voice, almost shrill. I glanced over my shoulder to see her standing on the stoop, Rose beside her. Lucy’s expression was quietly furious. I realized that her stableboy still had hold of my arm.

  He must have realized it at the same moment, because he let go, quickly. Lucy came down the stoop, her pale eyes
blazing. She grabbed his arm, pressing herself against him. “Tell me you’re driving us.”

  He glanced at me. He looked uncomfortable as he carefully disengaged himself from Lucy. “I just brought the carriage up. Leonard’s on his way.”

  As if Rose and I weren’t standing right there, she whispered, “I’ve missed you so. We’re going to choose Grace’s debut gown now, but will you meet me later?”

  “Lucy, you’re in the middle of the walk,” Rose said in a low voice. “People will see.”

  “I don’t care,” Lucy said, but she stepped away from him. She gave him a pleading look that was far too obvious. “Please, Derry.”

  A shiver swept me at the sound of his name; again I felt that familiarity, that sense that I’d known it already. And you did, I reminded myself. Lucy told you at tea. But I couldn’t escape the feeling that it had nothing to do with that.

  He leaned to whisper something in Lucy’s ear, and I went hot with . . . jealousy. What’s got into you, Grace? I looked away. When I looked back, Lucy was smiling.

  “Here’s Leonard now,” Derry said.

  The driver came hurrying. He touched the brim of his hat, deep-green livery—the Devlins’ color—and said to Lucy, “Forgive the delay, Miss Devlin.”

  She didn’t even look at him. Her gaze was fastened on Derry.

  “You’d best go, lass,” Derry said gently, pushing her a little.

  Lucy flashed him a brilliant smile, and then she said brightly to Rose and me, “Shall we?”

  The driver helped her into the carriage, and then Rose. I couldn’t stop myself—I glanced back at Derry. He was watching me with a thoughtful look that made me stumble on the carriage step.

  The driver closed the door, and we were off.

  Lucy played with a loosened ribbon on her shawl, tucking it neatly into place as she said to me, “I do hope my brother hasn’t misjudged you, Grace. He’d be so disappointed.”

  I didn’t pretend to misunderstand her. “I tripped coming down the walk. Your Derry was only helping me to my feet.”

  She shot me a glance from beneath her lashes.

  Rose said, “What color do you think Grace should choose for her gown? I’ve told her pale green, but perhaps pink would be better?”

  Lucy said, “Oh, it depends upon what style she chooses. I vow I . . .”

  I hardly listened. Instead I thought of that strange and persistent glow, the pain that had disappeared at his touch. The way he’d held me and the leap of my heart and my sense that I knew him. How foolish that I should feel this way. I didn’t want this. I’d never seen him before and I doubted I would again, and so this feeling that I’d been waiting for him . . .

  It was nothing. An illusion brought on by no breakfast, just as that strange glow had been. And yet the glow hadn’t been completely strange either. There had been something familiar in it too. Something I’d seen somewhere—

  Then it came to me. My nightmares. Flashes of intense, blinding light. Pain and ravens.

  I shuddered and reached into my pocket for Patrick’s book of poems, for the reassuring feel of something belonging to him, something to remind me of who I was and what I wanted.

  But the little book was gone.

  The entire time we were at Mademoiselle Paulette’s—discussing patterns and fabrics, ribbons and buttons—I wished to be home. I remembered dropping the book on the walk the moment the headache came upon me. No doubt it was still there. Or Lucy’s stableboy had picked it up. Perhaps he had taken it to the house. Patrick had written his name on the flyleaf, so there would be no mistaking where it belonged. Perhaps it was waiting for me. I didn’t want Patrick to know I’d lost it, to think I had been so careless with something so very important to him.

  It was all I could do to smile and laugh with Rose and Lucy. I agreed with them on the choice of pattern, though I had trouble remembering afterward what it was. A scooped yet modest neckline, puffed sleeves decorated with lace and ribbon and . . . flowers. There had been flowers. And . . . and pink. Yes, definitely pink.

  Lucy mooned about Derry the whole hour we were at the confectioner’s, sitting at a small round table with curved legs, eating ice cream with sugared violets that Lucy held between her lips and sucked upon until her mouth was delicately tinted purple. When Rose teased her about it, Lucy said, “Oh no! What will Derry think?”

  Rose said, “I imagine he’ll like licking you pink again.”

  Lucy blushed.

  I pretended I didn’t feel sick at the thought. “Rose!”

  “Don’t tell me you’d say no to him,” Rose said, dragging her spoon through her melting ice cream. “I wouldn’t, that’s certain. He’s gorgeous. Too bad he hasn’t a penny to his name.”

  “I’m partial to fairer coloring,” I said.

  “Well, you would say that now, wouldn’t you? But I remember when you couldn’t tear your eyes from Bobby Sullivan. Dark hair and dark eyes. He looked like Derry, didn’t he?”

  “Derry’s eyes are blue,” I said, dipping my spoon into the ice cream, scooping up a violet. I had crunched it between my teeth before I realized they were both staring at me. “What?”

  “You noted the color of his eyes?” Lucy asked.

  “I could hardly help it,” I said. “He was holding me closer than was proper. He’s a bit of a flirt, Lucy. Even you must admit it.”

  “He flirted with you?”

  Stupid, Grace.

  “I’m certain he was just being kind, isn’t that so, Grace?” Rose provided.

  I nodded. “Yes. Yes, of course. He couldn’t let me fall to the ground, now could he?”

  “Whatever made you swoon, Grace?” Lucy’s voice was light, but I heard her suspicion.

  I opened my mouth to tell them about the glow, but what exactly was I to say? That he’d been afire like the sun? That it had been very like the dreams I’d been having? That his touch made it go away? It seemed ridiculous even to me. I settled on “I’d eaten nothing all day. I was a little light-headed.”

  “It was lucky he was there then,” Rose put in. “You could have been hurt.”

  “Yes. And he knew about Patrick. He said I must be Patrick’s girl.”

  Rose laughed. “No, did he? I imagine you liked that.”

  “He sounded just off the boat. He’s probably Catholic as well, and you know how clannish they are. I’d watch out for him, Lucy. He probably wants a dozen children and an obedient wife.”

  “Sshh.” Rose giggled. “You are so bad, Grace.”

  “I don’t care if that’s what he wants,” Lucy said, raising her chin. “I would be perfectly happy with a dozen children.”

  “Not if you’re raising them in the slums,” I countered.

  “I have money.”

  “But he doesn’t. And you’re mad if you think your mother will allow it. Or Patrick.”

  “My brother’s a romantic too.”

  “Not enough of one to marry his sister to a stableboy.”

  Lucy’s eyes narrowed. “You think you know Patrick so well. But you don’t. Why, you didn’t speak to him for three years.”

  “I know him well enough,” I said, a little more angrily than I should have. “I know what matters to him. I know how he feels about Ireland. I know he cares about oppression and poverty and want. Things you know nothing about.”

  “And neither do you,” Lucy said, pointing her spoon at me. “You think that just because your family’s fallen on hard times you know everything about being poor. But you’ve just paid a dressmaker to make a gown for your debut, and my brother is preparing to go down on his knee to save you, so don’t go all high and mighty on me.”

  She was right. I felt the sting to my pride, a shame that made me look down into my dish, stirring little violets into whirlpools of melting ice cream, my appetite completely gone.

  Rose said, “Must we argue? Come now, both of you. It’s been a perfectly lovely day. Let’s not spoil it.”

  “Of course,” Lucy said. “I’m s
orry, Grace. I shouldn’t have said those things. We’re to be sisters, after all.”

  “I’m sorry as well,” I said sincerely.

  “There,” Rose declared. “Isn’t that better?”

  Lucy stood. “Let’s go back to the house. It’s hot and I’m tired.”

  And no doubt she wanted to run off to visit her stableboy. But I didn’t say that. We said little on the way to the Devlin house.

  In the too-warm parlor, Mrs. Devlin looked up with a smile. “Did you choose a gown? Is it lovely?”

  “It is,” Lucy said curtly. “Pink.”

  “I believe that’s Patrick’s favorite color,” Mrs. Devlin said.

  “Really? I would have said he preferred green.” Lucy threw me a smug look.

  Her mother said, “I thought he would have returned by now. I do know he would want to see you, Grace.”

  “You’ll excuse me if I retire?” Lucy asked. “I’m afraid I’m quite exhausted.”

  Rose and I both murmured good-byes. When Lucy flounced from the room, I turned to Mrs. Devlin. “Ma’am, I think I dropped a book earlier. Outside, while I was waiting for the carriage. Did anyone retrieve it?”

  “No, I don’t think so.” She bustled into the hallway, calling for the butler. But he hadn’t seen it either.

  “Perhaps it’s still outside,” I said. “Rose and I will look for it as we leave.”

  “I’ll be sure to tell Patrick you were here. And to give him your regards,” Mrs. Devlin said.

  Outside, Rose asked, “Did you really drop a book, or was it just an excuse to leave?”

  “I really dropped it. And it’s Patrick’s, too, so I must find it.” I bent to look beneath the bench.

  “It’s Patrick’s?”

  “A book of Irish poems.” I hurried down the stoop, searching at the foot of the railing. Nothing.

  “And you just dropped it?”

  We were at the end of the walk. Where I’d first seen the glow and had the headache. “Yes. I was reading it and then the carriage came up and my head . . . it was the worst headache I’ve ever had.”

  “Not just hunger then?” Rose asked.

  “I don’t know. Perhaps. But I’ve never felt like that.”