Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  I looked at my husband and quickly defended myself. “That is not true. I didn’t grow up until I was eighteen. She grew up in grade school.”

  The evil presence decided to speak and said, “I have to admit, our wedding was better.” She looked around the place as if my decorations and sculpted cake were substandard.

  I suddenly realized this was an imaginary receiving line. We didn’t have to stand here and converse with anyone. It was my day, and my day wasn’t going to include being insulted by Jen, loose lips, Staple. I placed my hand in Julius’s and planned to take him to the dance floor. I was going to be mature and let everything with Jen go, but it turns out I wasn’t quite as mature as I thought. I pointed to the hallway and said to her, “There’s a couch in the office and the line can form down the hallway. Just make sure to leave any cash you receive as our gift.”

  Julius pulled me away and we melted into each other as the music played gently. Now this is what I’m talking about. I held him tightly, trying to remember everything about this moment, the way he smells, the way he feels in my arms, the way his hot breath warms my neck. He whispered in my ear. “How are you doing, Mrs. Carmichael?”

  Dang it, Charlotte, for interrupting our bliss just so she could cling to her oldest son to make herself feel younger. I sighed with irritation and took a step away from Julius to speak to his mother. I glanced around and didn’t see her anywhere near us. I looked up at my man and realized he was talking to me. Oh yeah, I’m Mrs. Carmichael now. It didn’t sound nearly as great as being called Julius’s wife.

  I was a married woman and the thought sent a wave of fear running through me. I had to think about life insurance, a mortgage, making enough money to actually pay taxes. I wasn’t ready for this responsibility. I couldn’t be honest with Uncle Sam when I basically lied to all my friends and family by wearing a white wedding dress. I was going to end up in prison and most likely the girlfriend of a masculine woman named Big Wanda.

  “You look pale,” Julius said. “Are you okay?”

  I was afraid if he knew I was freaked out, he would freak out. One of us had to refrain from freaking. I swallowed and said, “Honey, have you ever paid taxes?”

  “I have a personal accountant,” he replied, and I didn’t hear a yes or no in the answer anywhere.

  “I got my car as a high school graduation present,” I admitted, hoping he knew I was confessing to never paying bills. I gave Claire my rent money and it was the only expense I had.

  He smiled and said, “Would you like a new car? I would love to buy you one.” I quickly shook my head because I didn’t want to worry about sending a payment to a car manufacturing plant. Plus, I loved my car.

  “I think we should talk about our preferences for our funeral,” I said, trying to be all married like. “I don’t want to be buried in Cartwright, and if you put me in a casket, which you don’t have to, I would like it to be filled with M&M’s.”

  Julius looked at me with a funny expression and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He shook his head a couple of times to clear his thoughts and then asked, “If I didn’t put you in a casket, where would I put you?” It was a morbid conversation for a wedding, but mature adults must discuss these things.

  I smiled and said, “You can have me stuffed if you want. But if you do, have them make my breasts larger.”

  “I have an idea,” he said, because he was plain brilliant. “Why don’t you enjoy the day and I’ll worry about everything else.” I was the luckiest woman in the world.

  The song ended, and we remained tightly attached to each other until my father came forward to dance with me. I was a bit miffed that he interrupted, but he kept me fed, and tried to keep me clothed my whole life, so a dance wouldn’t hurt. We held onto each other awkwardly and my dad kept looking at his feet. I didn’t know if he was trying not to cry or counting out his steps.

  Halfway through the song he looked at my eyes and said, “Is he everything you imagined he would be?”

  “Who?” I asked, because he could mean Jack, who was just as vile as I imagined, or S’bastard, who was just as disgusting as I imagined, or even Amos, who was just as big of an idiot as I imagined.

  “Julius,” he clarified.

  Oh. I glanced over at my guy and then smiled widely. “He’s so much more than I ever imagined, and I have a big imagination, but it didn’t come close.”

  My father smiled back at me and then his eyes filled with tears. “Remember, I’ll always be your daddy.”

  I don’t think so, because I’m pretty sure when Julius yells out, “Who’s your daddy?” I’m not going to reply, “Kenneth Wilson.” I nodded without giving any verbal commitment.

  When the song ended, he kissed my cheek and held my hand out for Julius. Instead, William dear took it. Oh man, please don’t make me dance with Lilly’s daddy. This was awkward, with a major dose of awk. I placed my hand on his shoulder and we both stood stiffly as we made small, silent circles. He finally cleared his throat and said, “Welcome to the family.”

  I didn’t mean to laugh, I mean, it wasn’t a funny greeting or anything. I just knew how hard it was for him to use those words in that order. He was such a square that I bet his mother’s uterus was square shaped. He probably didn’t believe squiggles existed and now that he knew he most likely wished it was Kevin joining the family, not me.

  “You don’t have to say that,” I said to let him off the hook.

  “Well,” he replied uncomfortably, “You make my son very happy, so thank you.”

  If he thought Julius was happy now, he should see him in a few hours. He’ll be so happy the hotel will most likely insist I keep him cuffed so the other patrons don’t have to be awakened by the wall pounding. The song ended, and he let both arms drop quickly.

  Two men looked at me, Jack and S’bastard. I cupped my hands around my mouth and yelled, “Time to cut the cake,” just so neither one could dance with me. I rushed to the cake table and waited for Julius to join me.

  The cake was three feet high and looked like a pair of praying hands. It was actually a replica of me and Julius’s hands, complete with wedding rings. My fingernails had orange icing for nail polish and his cake-hand stood just a bit taller than mine. Our fingers were against each other’s, showing we were joined for life in everything we do. I loved my cake and it made me a bit sad to cut it.

  Julius handed me the knife and said, “Now, were going to gently feed each other a bite, right?”

  Claire shook her head and mumbled, “Such an idiot.” I assumed she was talking about Amos, so I nodded at her in agreement.

  The cameras were clicking away as Julius took the small piece I cut and turned it, so the icing was facing me. I leaned over and ran my tongue through the sugary goodness and then moaned with pleasure. I moved in more and took a bite of the cake part. It was just as good as it looked.

  Now, it was my turn to feed Julius. I held up the slice and he leaned over to taste it just as I grabbed the back of his head and pushed him forward. His entire face rammed into the cake and it collapsed around him. I heard everyone scream as my mother tried to announce loudly there was a second cake in the back. Obviously, Julius heard her loud and clear because he grabbed a handful of cake and deposited it right down the front of my dress, smashing my breasts with both his real hand and his fake cake-hand. I stood there with my arms out wide and a shocked expression on my face. He watched my reaction carefully, so I forced myself to pretend to cry.

  Poor Julius gasped with remorse and pulled me tightly into his arms. I grabbed a fist full of cake and put it right down the front of his tux. His body jumped back, and he looked down at his pants and then back at me. I smiled seductively and then shrugged, “I guess I’ll have to clean that up for you.”

  He grinned and motioned toward the door. “Let’s go,” he offered. I didn’t make him offer twice. I grabbed his hand and we ran to the waiting limo in the parking lot, leaving his partner, Travis, to clean and lock up the club when ev
eryone left.

  We made-out the entire way to the hotel, which was only down the road. We were going to spend the night in Harborton and leave for our honeymoon the next day. Julius carried me into the room and when he sat me on my feet, I looked at the thick tulle blocking access to each other. I spun around and demanded he remove my dress.

  “Oh, dear Lord, look at all the buttons,” he gasped.

  I reached back and took hold of both sides of my dress and pulled hard. Little pearl buttons flew all over the floor. Julius looked stunned, so I had to explain before he worried about the bridal police coming to arrest him. “I’m only getting married once, I don’t need this dress anymore,” I announced.

  He didn’t look relieved or ready to resume. “But, I wanted to undress you,” he said with a hint of sadness.

  “Oh,” I said and pulled the one sleeve back up to my shoulder. I held my arms out to the side and closed my eyes, “Go ahead.”

  I didn’t feel anything and heard him chuckle a bit. “Why are you standing like a scarecrow?” he asked, and my eyes popped back open. He just wasn’t catching on to my whole sense of urgency. I was a semi-worldly girl, much to the ignorance of my father, and wearing a white dress for my wedding…. pull the dang thing off, big guy!

  “Julius, do you want me or not?” I couldn’t believe I had to ask that question. Did Jennifer pretend to be the blushing virgin, making him slowly undress her and promise it would get easier and less painful? I mean the Chippendale dancers and the entire teamsters union couldn’t make Jen blush… and probably didn’t.

  “I’m trying to be romantic,” Julius explained, and I loved him so much. He was my Adonis, my Zeus, my personal dangler for life, and I wanted him out of that monkey suit and into his birthday suit.

  “You know what would be so romantic?” I asked and tried to look seductive but not overanxious. I grabbed his shirt and pulled, sending buttons flying everywhere to meet up with mine. “If you take off your pants while I remove my dress.”

  I quickly pulled my one sleeve down again and stepped out of the big ball gown. I had on a corset with a garter holding up fishnet stockings. It was hookerish, but I really wanted to hook him. His eyes grew wide and he quickly disposed of his pants, as men are often inclined to do. He had on black bikini underwear smudged with icing and I broke into loud laughter. They looked hot, if he planned on hooking up with Kevin.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked and looked down at his frosting covered manhood.

  “Did you get those from Kev?” I asked as I continued to laugh.

  “No, I bought them for tonight, I wanted to look sexy for you,” he said, blushing from embarrassment.

  “You always look sexy for me,” I informed him, because he was all kinds of hot with a side of smoking.

  He smiled, and his underwear began growing so much smaller, so I covered my mouth and moved my eyes away from his… package. He noticed my laughter and tackled me onto the bed. He suddenly lost his need to be romantic and discovered his need to be aggressive. My fishnet stockings were ripped from my legs and the corset was forever ruined. I didn’t mind, I was married now and wouldn’t need them anymore.

  He pounded on the wall as my mind registered some words about effing Mrs. Carmichael, I wasn’t sure if he meant me or if he was angry at his mom, but I think he meant me. We fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms and I felt like I was born today. I was finally fully alive and every cell in my body was happy.

  I let Julius plan the honeymoon. We couldn’t go too far because it was costing him money to close the club. I knew he would plan something special and I didn’t care where we went. He took me to a very obscure place for a honeymoon…. Las Vegas. I should have pointed out my lack of paying attention would be an issue in a place where there was so much vying for my attention. I couldn’t even make it from the door to the check-in desk without getting preoccupied by all the lights and noise. The place was loud and the colors vibrant, except for the carpet, it was hideous. Hopefully, people would know not to look down. I planned on telling everyone I knew about this place.

  While Julius got us a room I wandered over and sat on a stool. The man standing in the middle of a table smiled at me. “What’s this?” I asked him.

  “Black Jack, what’s your bet,” he instructed.

  “Oh, okay, I bet you can’t guess my weight,” I told him, and knew I would win this one. I looked thin, but I was all muscle… or either had very heavy skin because the doctors would often say I weighed more than I looked.

  Julius grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the table. “I’ll teach you how to gamble later,” he said, because my guy knew just about everything. He took me to the elevators and then smiled as he said, “I’m going to have to kiss you.”

  When the doors opened we stepped in and got right to the kissing, completely ignoring the other people around us. I had random thoughts again, like when he learned to write his name, and if he was afraid of monsters as a child. I would hate for him to be huddled afraid in the dark as his parents went on dates with other people.

  We made it to our room and I looked out of the window at the huge city below. It was all lit up and I couldn’t decide what to look at first. Everything was moving so fast and my eyes finally caught site of a rollercoaster. “I want to ride on that,” I told him.

  “Really?” he asked, “You like those?”

  I glanced over to see his jaw was set tightly and I punched him in the arm. “If you’ve ridden Jennifer, a rollercoaster will be nothing. She’s all about taking your life into her own hands, and I’m sure she’s taken herself into her own hands, too.”

  I went too far with that comment and my husband gave me an irritated stare. “New rule,” Julius announced. “You can’t mention Jennifer again for the rest of our honeymoon.”

  “Okay, but before we start I want to ask one last question. Where did you take her for a honeymoon?” I knew this was a dangerous question and could very likely ruin the entire trip, but I really, really wanted to know. Julius turned pale as he shook his head and moved away from the window. I began imagining Paris or Rome, somewhere super exotic or romantic like most couples do, not somewhere pumping with action like Vegas. “Where?” I pushed.

  “Tobi, don’t,” he said, and there was nothing stopping me now.

  “Did you bring her here?” I asked. I ran my fingers through my hair as a diversion since I was actually looking around for a letter opener.

  “Heavens, no,” he said angrily. Yeah, I knew he wouldn’t do that. “We went to a Christian retreat,” he finally mumbled.

  “You took Satan to a church camp?” I asked incredulously, giving him my best bug-eyed Kelly impression.

  He smiled and eventually looked up at me. “I brought an angel to the city of sin, so why not?”

  Man, how can you not love a guy as smooth as that? But, I had a follow up question. “Where did you take Ashley?” I asked.

  He was less hesitant this time and answered quickly. “Door County, Wisconsin,” he said softly, and I was sure it was because he was embarrassed for taking her to a door place.

  I was happy now; I got the best honeymoon in a place I’m sure no one ever comes. If a rollercoaster wasn’t his style, I would gladly forgo it. I dropped the idea and we decided to get something to eat. I expected a dark restaurant with tiny tables where we would touch each other inappropriately, but we entered a room that was nothing but food.

  Julius picked up a tray and handed me a plate. “You can get whatever you want,” he said.

  “From where?” I asked, since there were so many food stations.

  “Anywhere, this is an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

  This was so much better than touching inappropriately in the dark; this was like entering a squiggle dream where food symbolized everything important in my life. I loaded my plate with anything that wasn’t square. I had to rest my piled-up load against my body to keep it from spilling over and actually regretted not having a bigger middle to keep
it steady. I headed to a table where Julius waited.

  “Tobi,” he cried out, “You can go back as many times as you want.” It would have been nice if he would have told me that up front.

  I was too afraid of losing out on the shrimp, spaghetti, chicken nuggets, broccoli, baked potatoes, mac and cheese and some stuff on the bottom I couldn’t see. I savored every bite until my stomach couldn’t hold another thing. I forgot to leave room for dessert and when Julius returned to the table with a bowl of ice-cream, I moaned.

  He smiled and held up his spoon to offer me a bite. “I can’t,” I told him honestly. “I’m full, and I don’t like ice-cream covered in condoms.” I thought we should begin learning as much about each other as possible, so I admitted something unappealing to me.

  “You mean condiments, honey. It is a very important distinction.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I meant,” I said as I rubbed my bloated stomach.

  I reached over and took hold of his hand. It was so much better than the fake cake-hand. I wanted to tell him everything in my heart, but there weren’t words created yet to express how much I loved him. He didn’t need to hear anything, because his heart was feeling the same thing. We stared into each other’s eyes, knowing… everything. It wasn’t something that could be explained, we just knew.

  Chapter 13

  Our honeymoon was too short, but I didn’t mind, I had access to my husband whenever I wanted. We settled into our life as our house began to take shape. I worked with Julius at the club. He wouldn’t let me pour drinks when he found out I had no idea how to make them and made up the recipes. Then he stopped letting me take orders when he found out I would change them to what I felt the person should be drinking. I’m sorry, but if you are over six-feet-tall and weigh around 200 pounds you should not be drinking a sea breeze. It wasn’t my fault the loser couldn’t handle vodka straight up.

  I wasn’t quite sure how the partnership between Julius and Travis worked. They talked about financing a lot, but I wasn’t sure why Julius had to use his own money for collateral to get a loan. If he had the money all along, why did he need a loan? He told me it all had to do with taxes and insurance, but I didn’t get it. Travis opened a club in the city called Dixieland. It was a jazz club that only squares would be able to appreciate. The place gave me the creeps.