Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  “They are very well trained,” Julius said with a hint of anger in his voice.

  “How’s the battle with Microsoft going?” I asked, to see if they managed to stay on top without me.

  “The economy has been a problem, but I expect it to pick up next quarter,” he said, but I heard, “I expect to be picking up quarters if the economy becomes a problem.” He looked at Julius and asked, “Have you noticed a dip?”

  I laughed inside my head, because we noticed a dip every time Amos came around, a dipshit.

  “Logging and fishing are still strong industries; Harborton doesn’t have too many technology industries.”

  I wanted to point out how Julius’s choice was not dipping, but daddy’s was, so maybe Julius was smarter than daddy, but I didn’t want to be thrown out of the house and hurt Budge. We stayed and chatted for over an hour before heading out to Carmichael Corporation to see Kev.

  It was sad to pull up to the old place and know we didn’t belong there anymore. Until I saw Kurt walking down the hallway and I was so glad we didn’t belong there anymore. Kevin and I squealed like teenage girls and jumped up and down, making Budge seasick and sending Julius to visit the developers.

  “You look great, Tobi,” Eric lied, since he looked fabulous.

  “Are you still with Kurt?” I asked and pulled the trash can closer in case he said yes.

  “We aren’t exclusive, he actually dates women, too,” Kev said with disgust and I wondered if Kurt’s nursery had been only light pink.

  “Guess what, I’m pregnant,” I said and waited for Kev to scream so I could scream along with him.

  “I bet Julius makes gorgeous babies,” Kev said with a sigh and I wanted to point out they could never be made with him, but I didn’t want to burst his bubble.

  “Okay, I need total honesty; can you see me as a mother?” I knew Kevin wouldn’t lie and all my happiness rested in his hands. If he said no, we would have to hire a nanny.

  “Psh,” he said impatiently. “You are a natural. Hell, you are the only person I know who can speak baby language and let the child be whatever it wants to be.”

  I threw my arms around my friend and would have gladly kissed him with everything I had, if the idea wasn’t so repulsive to Kevin. He showed me my strength, my baby would be allowed to be whatever it wanted to be, and it wouldn’t need pink paint to be gay if it wanted to be gay.

  “I want to name my baby Budge,” I said and watched him for a reaction.

  “Cool,” he said, and I felt tears form in my eyes. I wanted to call Kev every day and gain strength from his acceptance of me. “Budge Carmichael sounds like a football player, or maybe a baseball player. Hey, remember Amos who used to work here?”

  I hated Kev. He was such a bitch.

  I left his office and headed down the row of cubes and stopped when I saw Susan. I leaned against her wall and waited for her to get off the phone, and she seemed to be stretching out the call as long as possible, until Julius walked up. Her hand dropped from her ear and into the phone cradle instantly.

  “Hi,” she said with a smile, but I heard, “My panties are wet for you, Julius.”

  “God, Sues, I’m standing right here,” I said loudly.

  “We were just leaving,” Julius said to her stunned face.

  “I’m having his baby, because we have lots and lots of sex,” I smirked and turned to march off, but instead ran right into Kurt’s chest.

  “I think what you’re looking for is lower,” he said in his predator voice. I felt cold chills… and the need to shower… and gargle. I opened my mouth to say something, but my man handled it.

  He moved in front of me and got right in Kurt’s face before saying, “If you ever speak to my wife like that again, I will drop you on your ass so fast you won’t be able to respond.”

  I wanted the entire department to chant, drop, drop, drop.

  Kurt raised his hands into the air and said, “I was only joking around, relax and take a chill pill.”

  Chill pill, really, that was the best he could do? You would think a light pink person would be full of pithy comebacks. Julius took my hand and led me from his father’s dipping company.

  Our last stop was Travis’s club; well, it was technically Travis and Julius’s club, but I wanted no part of Dixieland. Soft Jazz was playing, and Sara ran over to give us both a hug, after saying, “Hay.” Travis was slowly turning her southern and she was too in love to notice.

  “Hi,” I emphasized. Julius walked over to Travis and they began their blah, blah talk about business, so Sara and I sat at a table to talk.

  “I love being married,” Sara gushed. “Everything is different and so wonderful.”

  “I have some news,” I told her, and she tried very hard not to smile, telling me Claire had already gotten to her. Well, I wasn’t letting Claire have all the fun, so I said, “Julius got a vasectomy.”

  She squealed and said, “I’m so hap…. wait, what?”

  “We decided not to have children, so he got a vasectomy,” I repeated.

  “But, I thought Claire said…”

  “Yeah, Claire is really upset about it, but since they live next door we didn’t want kids. Can you imagine Amos being a role model for children?” I faked a shudder; well, it was kind of fake.

  Sara looked over at Julius in confusion and I finally laughed and said, “Just Kidding, I’m pregnant, but darn that Claire for telling you.”

  She jumped onto her short legs and threw her arms around me. “This is such great news. Travis told me how much it meant to Julius. Congratulations.”

  Wait, Travis knew how much it meant to Julius? So, exactly how much did it mean to Julius? I looked over to see the two men give each other a brotherly hug and wondered if Julius wanted a son since he didn’t really have any males in his family he could relate to.

  “We’re thinking about trying for a baby around Christmas,” Sara announced and I’m sure they planned to name it Scarlet. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Travis’s face when Budge had his way with Scarlet on the kitchen table.

  We headed back home with only two more people to tell, my parents. I hoped my daddy believed I was impregnated by a doctor in a sterile medical environment and not on the deck of our houseboat where the early morning fishermen could have seen.

  I knew my mother would cry and beg us to come over every single day and we would have to put an electrified fence around our property to keep her out. She would knit ugly booties and collect little t-shirts that said, ‘I love my Grandma’.

  We were driving, as I planned my child’s wardrobe and what I needed it to say, when Julius took my hand and asked, “Tobi, are you happy?”

  I kissed his fingers, which were still delicious, and said, “Yes, totally.” His eyes filled with tears and I unhooked my seatbelt and moved over to kiss his neck. “Julius, why is it so important for you to have a baby?”

  “You don’t want children?” He asked with shock.

  “No, I mean, yes, I want children, but why does it mean so much to you?”

  He suddenly looked very nervous and I began to think he needed a kidney or something. Sure, that was it, he was dying after all and needed a major organ from a blood relative to live. William dear would never give up an organ, and I seriously doubted if he even had a heart. I wasn’t sure I would allow him to take anything from S’bastard, He would have to be terminal for that to happen. But, I couldn’t choose between Budge and Julius. I wanted both of my guys.

  I realized we were no longer moving and looked over at my husband who was waiting patiently for my attention. He smiled and said sadly, “Tobi, if we have a child you are part of my life forever. Even if you leave me, I will be connected to you through our child.”

  There it was, his old fear still deeply rooted in his soul, the fear Jennifer, Queen of Penial, helped sear into his heart. I looked at him and shared a bit of my own deeply rooted fear. “Julius, nobody would ever want me. I’m too weird for any other man, but
you understand me and that is what will keep us connected. My love for you is so strong because you actually love me back.”

  “I don’t love you because you are weird,” he said harshly.

  “And I will never, ever leave you,” I said back just as emphatically.

  We worked that night in the club and planned to tell my folks the next day. It was particularly crowded this night and the room was warm and pulsating. Something was in the air, and when my guy took the stage the entire club erupted into cheers. He looked a bit embarrassed, like most sexy men who thought they were ordinary usually did.

  When he finished, the crowd begged him for another one, but he announced the next singer instead. I followed him over to the bar and he watched me hesitantly. I stared at him, trying to see behind his gorgeous face and into his soul. He asked me the question often, but I never asked him, so I took a deep breath and said, “Julius, are you happy?”

  “You never need to ask me, Sweetheart. You have made all my dreams come true,” he said, but his eyes still looked distant.

  “Julius, I think that song you just sang is the one you should record. When you sing it, I can tell it means something to you. I can feel your heart in that song,” I told him and felt my tears begin to fall.

  He rushed over and held me in his arms. “Why are you crying?” he asked in a sweet voice.

  “Because I love you so much and I would die without you. I wouldn’t be able to breathe, because you are my oxygen and I would just die,” I blubbered.

  He leaned in to kiss me and I quickly covered my mouth and ran for the ladies’ room. I vomited every ounce of fluid in my body and then almost vomited up my stomach. It wasn’t the kind of vomit you could hold your hair back and hope it doesn’t splash on your pants. It was the loud, ‘Aarrgghh,’ sounding vomit that makes you pray to a deity for it to please stop and sends all the other girls running from the ladies’ room.

  Julius came in to check on me, since he owns the place and women flash him when he sings anyway. I was sitting on the floor, which alone was a disgusting thought, and couldn’t find the energy to do something as simple as get up. I felt like I hadn’t slept for days and when Julius handed me a wet cloth I began to cry again, because he was just so darn sweet.

  “It’s the hormones, love,” he said, as if I would smack my forehead in understanding and jump right up. I knew it was the hormones, but it didn’t make one bit of difference to my exhausted legs and tender tummy.

  “I’m so tired,” I said and closed my eyes.

  “Come to my office and I’ll get you some ice chips,” he offered, and my hormones suddenly swung my mood like a pendulum to the other side.

  “Am I supposed to live on ice chips for seven more months, Julius? Are your ice chips going to make it all better? Maybe we should stick your dangler in ice chips and see if it helps anything.”

  His eyes shot open wide and I instantly apologized, right before another vocal round in the toilet. He waited for it to end and helped me to the sink to wipe down my face. When I smiled at him he gave me a tight hug and I cried out in pain. My nipples hurt, in fact my entire boobs hurt. I was a nauseous, emotional, chest swelling wreck. Where was the pregnancy glow I was supposed to have?

  He walked me to his office and helped me onto the couch before placing a trash can close enough to reach if I needed it suddenly. Then, he placed a cool cloth on my head and hesitantly set a cup of ice chips on the desk before shutting off the light and running like hell.

  Chapter 19

  The next morning, I was full of energy and ravenous. I made eggs and pancakes, with a pop tart chaser. I was also ravenous for something else, and considered, only considered, having Julius right on the kitchen table. Instead, I waited for him to make it to the luv sack before I pounced.

  I didn’t think he would have anything to pound on if we had sex on the bean bag, but we somehow made it all the way across the floor and into the hallway where he used both walls to beat. It was then I realized sex this time was extra saucy for him, but I was instantly ready for another go as he tried to calm down from round one.

  “God, I need you again,” I said and kissed him as he began to shake in fear.

  “What do you want me to do?” he asked as I devoured his mouth.

  “I don’t care, just do something,” I instructed him, and I was anxious to see what he came up with on the spur of the moment. I wouldn’t even mind something that involved a table, but our doorbell rang.

  If it was Amos I swore I would shoot him with his own gun. “Who is it,” I yelled loudly.

  “Mom and Dad,” my parents answered, and Julius pushed off me and ran up the stairs.

  I’m sure it was just payback for all the drinks of water or monsters in the closet I had as a child that ruined their passion, but man, this was making me cry. I got off the floor and tightened my robe before glancing at the kitchen table. I realized pregnancy was making me weak. If I didn’t find some inner strength I was going to turn into a Southerner soon.

  I invited them in with less than a welcoming tone and Julius came walking down the stairs as if he had been busily reading the Bible. He was now fully dressed and even took the time to comb his hair…. and probably showered and gargled, too.

  “You’re not dressed?” my mother asked, stating the obvious.

  “We just finished with breakfast,” Julius said, so I wouldn’t tattle about the double wall vocalization.

  “Erica, you look flushed,” my father said, and I glared at him. Of course, I was flushed; I made a trip on my butt from the luv sack to the hallway and didn’t get to make it a round trip.

  “Come, sit down,” Julius instructed and they both walked to the couch as I fell with a harrumph into the luv sack. “We were going to visit you today.”

  “I’m glad we stopped by, we’re headed to Sacramento,” my mom said, and I hated that they could just stop by on their way to places. We should live where it was impossible for parents to stop by. I bet if we lived at the North Pole they wouldn’t intrude. Wait, is the North Pole a real place or just a fantasy? Do they even have houses or only igloos? I would love an igloo!

  “Do you want to tell them, honey?” Julius interrupted my thoughts and as soon as I opened my mouth he quickly said, “Tobi is pregnant.”

  “I wasn’t going to tell them we were just having sex,” I said as I glared at Julius for stealing my thunder. Oh, crap, I just told them we were having sex.

  “A baby,” my mom exclaimed to keep my father from shooting Julius. “When are you due?”

  “March,” I said loudly before Julius could answer, because there was nothing offensive about saying the name of a month.

  “Kenneth, our first grandchild,” my mom said with tears and he swallowed like his favorite fishing hole just dried up. I didn’t comment on the fact she used the word ‘first.’ This was a long process that I didn’t fully understand, so first was a bit premature.

  Daddy looked at me hesitantly and then turned to look at Julius. “We’re just down the road a bit if you need anything,” he managed to say, and I knew he was thinking about that stupid doll with the box that made it cry. I wonder what he would say if he knew I stole a few of his condoms to use as pastry bags during my cake baking phase… hey, I have phases, too. Mine just don’t include other men to date.

  “Are you having morning sickness?” my mom asked, like she didn’t hear me just say we were having sex.

  “None,” I said proudly and then Julius just had to speak up again.

  “She gets sick at night.”

  “I did too, with you,” my mom said with a smile since we were finally sharing something in common.

  “I’m going to have her stay home for a while and not come to the club. Claire and Amos are next door if she needs anything,” Julius said, and my father nodded.

  I would die with my head stuck in the toilet before I would ask the human ex-lax to help me with anything. And, Claire was busy with ugly Amy, so I wouldn’t impose on her
, either. I was a grown woman letting nature run its course, so I would take care of myself, naturally.

  “Erica?” my father called out loudly.

  “Oh, what?” I asked.

  “Your mother offered to stay with you for a couple of weeks,” he reiterated, and I looked at Julius’ horrified face.

  I chuckled at the thought of her witnessing my insatiable appetite first hand, but Julius didn’t find it funny. “No, I’m fine, really I am.”

  “I think you’re having a girl,” my mother said, and I shook my head.

  “No, we’re having a boy, I can feel it.”

  Everyone gave me an, aw, so ignorant look. I didn’t know how I knew, but something deeply buried in my soul knew my little peanut was male and nobody was going to tell me otherwise.

  Sammy came running in and climbed on my lap, so I buried my face in his fur and spoke baby talk for a few moments. I stopped when I felt like Claire speaking to Amos.

  “You’ll have to keep the dogs away from the baby,” my father instructed, and I laughed.

  Did they really think we would let the dogs carry our child around with their teeth? Hoser growled at Amy, but only because she was still in her ugly stage at the time. Nobody mentioned our animals when they were photos from the internet, but once they became real, everyone got all concerned. I sure hope they don’t worry over baby Budge as much as they worry over our dogs.

  “Well, now for the reason we stopped by,” my father said, and he rubbed his hands together and refused to look at either me or Julius.

  I had a bad feeling about this. If it was something they had to stop by to tell us it had to be bad. Let me see, Amos already lived next door, so nothing else could be bad… unless… oh God, he had Jennifer news. But what? She couldn’t sleep with my boyfriend, and she couldn’t refuse to divorce Julius.

  It suddenly hit me. “Jennifer is moving back to Cartwright.” I screamed, and it seemed my father had already said those exact words while I was still working it out. I looked at my mother and pleaded, “But you’re the Mayor, can’t you stop her? I mean, pass a law about open prostitution or something?”