Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  In between verses, Elvis covered his eyes with his hand to investigate the audience. “Is my Tobi out there?” he asked, and I really hoped Julius didn’t hear him call me HIS Tobi. I walked forward repeating over-and-over again in my mind, squiggles don’t cheat, squiggles don’t cheat.

  I got to the stage and he smiled at me, Elvis, I mean, Julius, I mean, they were the same person. Elvis was my Julius dressed in a costume. I was going to be able to do Elvis tonight.

  “Yes,” I screamed in the air and gave a fist pump.

  He moved right into the next song and when he sang; “Wise men say, only fools rush in,” I ran at him and threw my arms around his neck as the entire club groaned and yelled for me to leave the stage. It was my stupid squiggle stage to begin with, but since they paid for me to keep the squiggle stage, I reluctantly left.

  I noticed Sues standing in front with some panties in her hand, so I rushed back to the office to get an industrial strength rubber band, but when I got back I noticed Travis handing out panties as a joke. But, I was still going to check to make sure she threw the joke panties and not her own.

  I lost focus when I saw Kev take the joke panties and put them in his skirt to keep. Kurt smiled. YUK…just yuk.

  The highlight of the night for me was the song, Hound dog, and Julius, brought out Sammy and Hoser, wearing hound dog ears for a costume. My lemniscates was so much better than a squiggle because he could fit in with the squares and still understand the squiggles… he was my King.

  I was sitting with Sammy, sharing a sucker as we enjoyed the music, when my mother approached me. “Tobi, you might want to change Thanksgiving plans. I know you were coming to our place, but your father invited Jack’s family.”

  There was no way I was spending a holiday where pigging out was the main point with Jack. I would be in maternity clothes, so I could celebrate to my heart’s content this year. “We’ll go to the Carmichaels,” I told her and wondered if Charlotte even allowed pigging out.

  Julius tried to make his way from the stage, but he was inundated with admirers. Sues gave him a hug and when she looked over to see if I was watching I pointed my finger at her and put my teeth on my lip, as if starting a word with F, so she quickly backed away.

  I giggled when Eric approached him and asked for a picture. Julius put his arm around the beautiful woman and leaned down for Kurt to take the shot. Kev took advantage of the move and quickly kissed him on the lips. I decided not to tell him the beautiful woman was a man, the molestation at the goal party was traumatic enough for my naïve guy.

  He finally made it to where I was sitting, and I took his hand and placed it on my bare stomach. “Budge is saying hi,” I smiled.

  He leaned over and kissed my stomach. How many people got the King of Rock and Roll to kiss their tummy? Okay, probably more than we knew, but I now counted myself as one.

  “You sir, are freaking amazing,” I said, and he now kissed my lips.

  “It was next to impossible to keep it a secret from you,” he admitted, and I tried to think of one instance I almost found out. I was clueless to his costume, and even to the dog’s costumes. I decided to nod and keep my mouth shut.

  “My parents are not available for Thanksgiving; can we go to yours?”

  “They’re going to be in Europe for their anniversary,” he said and looked very worried.

  Crap, I was going to have to choose between eating with Jack or making my own turkey. This wasn’t going to be pretty.

  I guess the costume gave Julius some courage because he brought up an issue he had been avoiding. “Have you, um, looked at the name book, you know for a middle name?”

  “I like the name Packard, but Budge Packard doesn’t sound good together,” I said with a frown. The king doubled over in laughter and I glared at him. “What?” I asked.

  He looked at sluty Wonder Woman and motioned for her to come over. “Tell her,” he said.

  “Tell me what?” Claire smiled.

  “I found a name in the baby book I like,” I admitted, and she smiled wider.

  “Tell her the name, Tobi,” Julius pressed.

  “Packard,” I announced, and Claire looked at Julius with confusion.

  “She wants it as a middle name,” he explained. “She would name our child, Budge Packard.”

  Sluty Wonder Woman turned out to be not that Wonderful. She laughed so hard breast milk came out her nose. When they called Amos over I walked off and then heard his monstrous laughter fill the club. This was exactly why I didn’t need a damn name book.

  Sara was sitting alone, waiting for her officer to bring her a drink on the veranda, actually just a booth, but I joined her and asked. “Sara, have you ever made a turkey?”

  “Sure, with my mother, it isn’t that hard.”

  “Are you going anywhere for Thanksgiving?” I pushed, as I came up with a plan that put her in charge of making the turkey.

  “No, Travis is only closing the club for one day,” she pouted.

  “Let’s have it together,” I suggested. “I’ll see if Claire has plans.”

  “Oh, I hope they can come, too,” she squealed, not realizing I never said Amos could come. “I’ll make assignments. You’ll bring exactly what you’re told, right?”

  Sara was getting so bossy. If I knew there would be stipulations I never would have brought it up. Now, I was going to be assigned something like potatoes or green beans. Hey, I could put food color in lima beans and turn them such a pretty shade of green, this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  The party lasted clear until closing time and I ended up asleep in the office with Hoser and Sammy keeping me warm. I had to trust Sues didn’t tongue kiss my husband goodbye, or Kev, either. Travis and the confederacy left to make sure all was fine at Dixieland, and Claire and Amos rushed home to pay the poor teenager with no Halloween plans for watching ugly Amy. I had no idea when the Merpeople left, I was just happy they didn’t try to say goodbye. I woke up to what I thought was one of the dogs licking me but turned out to be my guy kissing me.

  “Did you sing again,” I asked, hoping I didn’t miss it.

  “No, I poured drinks to make money,” he chuckled.

  “Are you ready to go home?” I inquired, and he shook his head with a crooked smile.

  “Do you want to have your way with Elvis on stage?” he asked, and I suddenly sat up.

  I reached out for his belt and smiled, “That’s an awfully big belt.”

  “I’ll let you remove it if you tell me what’s on your mind,” he bargained.

  “I was thinking if you removed it, I would give you some hunka-hunka burning love.”

  He quickly removed the belt and I unhooked the cape. He took my hand and led me from the room, after shutting the dogs in the office. We walked to the stage, right to the spot we were married, and he began removing his jumper. I had a harder task to remove the tight leotard I was wearing. I basically had to fight my way out of the stomach hole and it was oddly familiar.

  Julius grabbed a table cloth and spread it on the ground before pulling me onto his lap. “Are you happy, Tobi?” he asked.

  I ran my hand under his wig and pulled it from his head before saying, “There’s the real King. I’m very happy, Julius.”

  He placed his palm on my growing stomach and moaned as he ran his hand further down to Graceland. I wanted to sing Amazing Grace when he began his stage pounding declarations to my hot effing butt.

  Imagine what Mrs. Presley would say about her son’s language!

  Chapter 23

  It turned out Claire and the Jolly Green Giant didn’t have Thanksgiving plans, but since they had ugly Amy who needed access to her crib, and they had the largest television, Thanksgiving was held at their house. I was assigned to bring a box of stuffing, to be specific a six-ounce box of Kraft Stove Top Stuffing. I wasn’t even allowed to bring several boxes, only one.

  But, a vegetable tray came without specific instructions, so I went to town. I got an eggplant and
hollowed it out before filling it with olives stuffed with black jelly beans. If I created the world that is how I would have made olives. Then I got a pumpkin and hollowed it out before filling it with a bag full of popcorn and candy corn.

  I put on my Thanksgiving shirt that had fringe hanging from the sleeves and was stretched tightly across my stomach. Julius and I walked across the yard through the buffer of trees and knocked on the door. Sara answered and let us in.

  Claire had the house decorated in fall colors and each setting had a little scarecrow that was so cute not one crow would be scared. The house smelled like pumpkin pie and I smiled. I loved holidays and how homey they made you feel. I was in such a festive mood I mistakenly smiled at Sitting Bull-shit.

  “Hey Toto, what’s hanging from your arms?” Dumbo asked.

  “This is my Thanksgiving shirt,” I told his stupidness.

  “I don’t get it,” he said, like his comment would shock me.

  “It’s fringe, to show solidarity with the Native Americans,” I explained, and he continued to stare. “I’m a Washington Redskins fan,” I finally said, and he nodded in understanding.

  I sat my vegetable trays on the table and noticed one complete with the standard carrots, broccoli, cherry tomatoes and celery. “Hey, I was assigned the vegetable trays,” I protested and both women wouldn’t look at me.

  Amos walked over and took a handful of olives and tossed them in his mouth. He held out his hand and said, “What’s in these?”

  “Black jelly beans,” I said with pride and he nodded, “Cool.”

  Travis looked inside the pumpkin and smiled before taking a handful of popcorn and candy corn. I swelled with pride that my vegetable trays were a hit.

  It was the last we saw of the men, they parked in front of the television and we slaved in the kitchen. I didn’t actually slave, but only because the taskmasters wouldn’t let me slave. They said it was for my energy since I was pregnant, but something told me it wasn’t true.

  “Travis and I are planning for a baby, too. I’m going to stop the pill after Christmas,” Sara announced.

  “Good, Amos and I want to get pregnant again next summer,” Claire announced.

  “Amos is a pussy, but he can’t get pregnant,” I said with disgust. I just hated how couples said, ‘we’ are pregnant. Julius was still sporting a flat stomach and I was beginning to waddle. There was no ‘we’ about it.

  “Do you know what you’re having yet?” Sara asked.

  “A baby,” I said with a smirk.

  “Why won’t you tell us the sex,” Claire protested.

  “I did, I’m having a boy,” I told them yet again.

  “I’m going to laugh so hard when it’s a girl,” Sara said, and I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her about my son doing her daughter, because I really want it to be a surprise.

  “I ran into Jennifer at the mall yesterday,” Claire said, and I groaned. Nothing ruined my appetite more than hearing about Jen. “Her ass is getting huge, you look much better than her.”

  I knew there was a reason Claire was my best friend.

  “Is it weird to know Julius was married before?” Sara asked, and I leaned in really close, so I could talk quietly.

  “Jennifer was his second wife,” I whispered.

  “No Way,” Claire screamed, and Sara looked at her tiny hands, so I knew Travis already told her. “What’s wrong with him?” Claire wondered.

  “Nothing, he’s perfect, but the women were skanks,” I said to defend my guy. “His first wife cheated on him and then died.”

  “He killed her?” Claire gasped, and that darn idiocy of Amos’ was spreading again.

  “No, she had cancer, he didn’t kill her,” I said and stuck my finger in her mashed potatoes.

  “Why do women cheat on him, is he not very good at… you know?” Sara asked with a scrunched-up nose.

  “Believe me, Julius is good in bed,” Claire said emphatically, and I looked at her in shock. I was going to have to murder my best friend for doing my husband, because there was no way I would get even by doing her husband.

  “How do you know?” Sara asked. Yeah, way to go, girl, you ask the hard questions so I’m not the murder suspect.

  “I had to listen to them when I was Toto’s roommate, and even now if the wind is blowing the right way I can still hear them.”

  Wow, need to know information. But, I wanted to point out something, “It is Julius you hear so don’t say ‘them’. He’s the screamer, not me.”

  “He seems too quiet to be loud at sex,” Sara laughed.

  “Not only is he loud, but he uses the filthiest language,” Claire said and shook her head.

  “Julius, quiet, shy, sweet Julius?” Sara asked.

  “I heard this one time,” Claire said and put her hand up to whisper into Sara’s ear. Poor, little, turning-southern Sara grew bright red and gasped loudly.

  I only shrugged, because usually when Julius was screaming and pounding on the wall I was in my own orgasmic fog. I only caught the tail end of his rant most of the time.

  “I’m not going to be able to look at him today,” Sara mumbled and glanced toward the table in apprehension.

  “Oh, my God, it isn’t like he did me on the table where people eat. That is disgusting Sara, and it was your first date,” I accused her.

  She smiled down at her feet and then giggled before saying, “Travis and I joined the mile-high club.”

  “When?” Claire laughed.

  “On the way to Atlanta, before our wedding,” she informed us, and the cream-colored gown totally made sense. I felt badly for Julius, but it wasn’t fair because Sara was tiny and easily done in small spaces, plus we were keeping ugly Amy entertained on our flight.

  We put everything onto the table and called the men to come eat. The Thing sat at the head of the table and smiled at his wife and his ugly daughter, who smiled adorably back at her daddy. “I think we should all go around the table and say what we are grateful for,” he said and we all groaned at his cliché suggestion.

  “I’m grateful for Dolce and Gabbana,” Claire shouted. “And baby Gap.”

  “I’m grateful for my wonderful husband,” Sara said, because she had been married for less than a year.

  “I’m grateful for a job I love, so I can support my wife and beautiful daughter,” Amuk stated and I looked around for a second child. I wanted to point out he was not supporting his wife and ugly child, since Claire’s daddy built the house for them and provided both Dolce and Gabbana.

  “I’m grateful for my wife and a business partner who happens to be my best friend. I’m grateful for new friends like Claire and Amos, and I hope nothing but great things for us all in the coming year,” Travis said, and I wanted to gag. What did he think this was, New Years? Plus, he left me totally out.

  Everyone looked at me and Julius. He took my hand in his and said, “Tobi, are you happy?”

  “Gratefully,” I said with a smile.

  He leaned over to kiss me, and Amos had to kick my chair to remind us there was a child at the table.

  “No filthy cussing?” Sara asked and both her and Claire laughed.

  “Later,” Julius said and winked at me. I rubbed my nose with my middle finger toward my friend. Sara may be tiny, but she could be a big bitch sometimes.

  I glanced at the food and my stomach got so excited. I filled a plate for me and a plate for Budge, since I was eating for two. I only had a limited number of weeks left to use my pregnancy as an excuse to eat.

  “Just think, next year two more people will be here,” Sara pointed out with a big grin.

  I glanced around the table and thought Budge would be one, but who was the other one, oh, Claire’s new husband, yeah probably.

  “It might take a while to get pregnant,” Claire informed Sara, and I almost burst into tears that she wasn’t getting a new husband.

  Everyone’s attention was drawn to ugly Amy when she picked up a tiny spoon and managed a sm
all bit of potatoes. I slid lower in my chair and stopped eating my potatoes with my finger. I realized ugly Amy was a freak and her brilliance was just as irritating as her father’s ignorance.

  Since everyone was focused on babies, it naturally turned the conversation to me. I was now using my fork and didn’t want to stop the shoveling to talk. “Toto,” Claire started, “Do you have any idea how much Julius wants a baby.”

  I looked at my husband and wondered where this conversation was going. I nodded, so I could keep eating.

  “A little Julius would be so cute,” she continued, and I glanced at Amos. Maybe she was getting a new husband after all and set her sights on mine.

  Julius looked really, really nervous as he continued to eat. I looked back at Claire for her to make her point. “I just think it would be really sweet to name your baby after Julius, since he wants a baby so badly,” she said to finally get it all out in the open.

  I continued eating as I turned to look at Julius, and his body language told me he was in on this intervention. I took my last bite of green bean casserole and sat back to chew as I tried hard to think about my words before I used them.

  “Julius” I said boldly. “If Ashley had your son, would she have named him Julius, Jr.?”

  He paled a little and mumbled a quick, “Probably.”

  “And if Jennifer managed to have your son, and you were certain it was yours, would he be named Julius, Jr.?”

  “Yeah,” Julius said, and his voice was much higher, telling me his testicles were hiding high inside his body.

  “Do you want a son from Ashley or Jennifer?” I questioned and pulled my hands into fists in case he said, yes.

  “No, honey,” he answered and tried not to smile, obviously not seeing my fists.

  “So, Budge isn’t a problem?” I asked to end the conversation.

  “Not for me,” he said, and Claire called him a filthy name under her breath, which I’m sure ugly Amy could spell out with her peas.

  We all went back to eating and when Amos sat back and burped really loudly I didn’t say a word, because I wasn’t sure if it was something I would be doing in the near future. Claire glared at her ogre, but Ugly Amy giggled, and I liked her better now.