Squiggle

by Chandler Ardnas

  I got out of bed and stomped off into the bathroom, since a drop of urine had formed in my bladder and had to be immediately released. I came back to find Julius waiting with some lotion and his music playing softly with the lights low. I thought he wanted sex, and it would cost him his life, but he quickly said, “Lie down and relax, Tobi. I’ll give you a lotion massage for your swollen feet.” My lemniscates was the greatest man in the world and I really hoped his dangler picked hard.

  My mother took me shopping for a dress for my baby shower. She shopped while I sat in chairs with the white-haired men waiting for their wives. One particularly funny grandpa said, “Did you eat a watermelon?”

  “I remember you,” I said and waddled off.

  I had to choose between a baby blue dress with a white bow on the collar, and a red long sleeved knit dress that flowed. So basically, I could wear an adult sized baby dress, or a tent. “I don’t want to wear these,” I whined like a toddler to my mother.

  “Honey, you’ll look beautiful,” she promised, just like she did when she bought me the sailor dress for school pictures and I wore it backwards because I hated the little nautical tie down the front.

  “I want an orange dress,” I said as I stomped my foot.

  “It is February; you can’t find orange this time of year. Plus, you’ll look like a pumpkin,” she said, and I felt my shoulders slump.

  We walked to the next shop and I gasped when I saw the perfect dress in the window. It was black and white with squiggles all over it. I rushed inside and asked the sales clerk where the dresses were like the one in the window. She pointed to the back wall and I waddled right to the line of squiggles. I found one in a bigger woman’s size and rushed into the changing room.

  With my large belly out front it fit perfectly. I stepped from the dressing room and my mother smiled, “Its perfect, Erica.”

  I pulled off the tag and handed it to the clerk, “I’ll just wear it home.”

  I was so happy with my dress I did something for Julius; I dug out my platinum card and paid. He got home after midnight and I was waiting at the table with some wine for him and juice for me, sitting in my squiggle dress with full hair and makeup.

  He stepped in the room and then froze. “What’s the occasion?” he asked, terrified he forgot an occasion.

  “It’s been a long time, the walls miss you,” I said and held out his glass.

  “Is it okay?” he asked and looked at my stomach.

  “It is much better than okay,” I said, and he dropped his coat onto the floor.

  “I love the dress,” he said softly as he took the wine glass and leaned in for a gentle kiss.

  “Won’t it look great on our bedroom floor,” I said and sipped my juice.

  “It will look amazing on our bedroom floor,” he said and downed most of his wine.

  We joined hands and walked slowly up the stairs and into our bedroom. We stood next to the bed and he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered, “You look so beautiful, like a woman, not a young girl, and it makes my heart swell. Are you happy, Tobi?”

  “I want to make my husband happy,” I answered him.

  “Oh, honey, you make me happy every moment of every day.”

  “Show me,” I said, and he pulled me into his arms and kissed me as our child moved between us. We both knew it would most likely be the last time we made love before becoming parents, so we took our time, touching each other tenderly and moving slowly together. He didn’t pound on the wall or the mattress this time. Instead, he placed his fist in his mouth and bit down as he cried out, practicing for fatherhood.

  I got up to pee during the night and saw my dress on the floor making me smile; it really did look amazing on the carpet.

  For the baby shower, I made my mother pick me up and drive me next door to Claire’s house because I wore heels with my squiggle dress. I was excited for the party and hoped my bladder could make it through the night. Claire had everything decorated in tan and soft blue. The cake was a pair of booties and the food consisted of various finger items cut into odd shapes. I loved her.

  I didn’t have control of the guest list, which led my mother to invite anyone with a vague memory of me but was a friend of hers. My second-grade teacher came, just to see if I had finally molded into a square. I was curious to see if she ever got the weird red birthmark that looked like a hickey removed from her neck… she hadn’t.

  My childhood neighbor came and announced to everyone I peed on her porch swing when I was little. I didn’t think anyone was home and when her elderly father, in an oxygen mask opened the door, I thought a monster was going to kill me.

  Charlotte showed up with Sues and Kelly. I looked at Sues and she held out a large gift, “I got you a really good present, Tobi,” she said with a shaky voice.

  “Oh Sues, you didn’t have to do that, just having you here is present enough,” I said and hugged her tightly. I put my arm in hers and pulled her into the family room. I could have sworn she was pulling against me.

  I sat in my special rocking chair with a big smile on my face until Sara walked in. She brought Kevin, which was great, but also a guest. I began working on bringing up a loogie as Sara introduced her sister-in-law, Analise.

  “Hay, y’all,” she said.

  I replied too loudly. “Hey,” I yelled back.

  She looked at me and smiled, “How ya doin’ suga? Yur as pretty as a flowa.”

  “There isn’t a pond around here,” I said and narrowed my eyes at her.

  “No, there’s the entiyer ocean,” she replied, and I gasped loudly.

  “What’s going on, Tobi?” Sara asked with her terrified northern voice. Did she not understand we won?

  “Where’s the love and the fun games?” Kev asked, feeling he was finally one of the girls and missing out on the experience. He pulled a chair next to mine and I placed my hand on the chair on my other side.

  “Sues, sit by me,” I instructed, and she sat down with one whole butt cheek falling off the chair as she tried to sit as far from me as possible.

  “Do you look disgusting naked?” Kev asked and Sues leaned a little to hear the answer.

  “No, Julius still wants me,” I said proudly and noticed Analise look me up and down. I would get up and poke her in the eye, if I wasn’t so afraid of farting.

  We played a few games and it was finally time to open gifts. I wanted to dive into the pile, but Claire made each person hold the gift they brought on their lap, and I had to pull a number from a bowl, and that person would bring me the gift.

  I pulled a six first and my mother squealed and brought me a bag. I looked in to find tons of little t-shirts. I pulled out the first and it said, I luv Grandma, the next said, I luv Grandpa, then, Take me to Grandma’s, Grandma thinks I’m special, If all else fails call Grandma. Finally, a coupon book for free babysitting… by Grandma.

  Charlotte got me a car seat, Claire got me a stroller, Sara got me a breast pump that totally confused me, and Kev got me something called a Baby Bjorn, so I wouldn’t lose my child by setting him down and forgetting to pick him up again.

  I finally called out Sues’ number and she handed me the present as I smiled at her kindly. “You really shouldn’t have,” I said and tore off the paper. I looked at a baby emergency kit filled with everything you would need if your baby got sick or injured. “What are you trying to say, Sues?” I said angrily.

  “N…n…nothing,” she said and began to shake. “Every parent should have one.”

  “Toto, that is actually a really great gift, and very expensive,” Claire pointed out, so I threw my arms around Sues as she tried to duck.

  I called another number and Analise stood and walked toward me. I took the small box from her hand and asked, “Did you return my husband’s virginity?”

  “Tobi,” Sara yelled. Kev got tears in his eyes and Sues stared at the box with hope. Charlotte looked at Analise with the rage of a mother bear.

  “Would you like to step int
o the other room,” Analise asked and I noticed her accent came and went just like her brothers.

  “Say no, Tobi,” Kevin whispered, because he wanted to find out if the box really did contain Julius’ virginity.

  “He was a child,” I shouted, and Charlotte’s face was turning purple.

  “I can promise you he was not the innocent he pretended to be,” Analise said as she tried to keep her voice low, in a circle of women leaning closely to hear… oh, and Kev.

  “When a college boy swims naked and drinks too much it doesn’t mean he wants sex,” I said loudly.

  Claire laughed, and everyone turned to look at her. “It kind of does, Toto.”

  “Did he tell you he stole my clothes and hid them, and even though he was naked he managed to have condoms?” Analise said back just as loudly.

  “He only flirted,” I informed her and looked at Charlotte for support.

  “Well, he flirted with a high hard one,” she said and crossed her arms.

  “What does that mean?” I asked, since I didn’t speak southern.

  Kev put his hand to my ear and whispered, “An erection.” Hum…that really did sound so much better than dangler.

  Charlotte finally stood and spoke very softly, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation, excuse me.” She left the room and my own mother quickly followed her.

  “Maybe you should have Julius come over and settle this,” Sues suggested.

  “Why don’t you run next door and give him a bath and then bring him over, Sues,” I said cynically, and she quickly stood so I grabbed her arm. “Don’t make me go all deliverance on your butt.”

  “I’ll go get him,” Kev offered, and I sighed and fell back into my rocking chair. I was going to have to realize everyone wanted my guy, but I had him, so I needed to let Analise and her child molestation go.

  Claire served the cake and we were all getting along great until Julius walked in. A reverent hush fell over the house. He gave his mom a kiss and then looked around the room. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  Everyone turned to look at Analise except Sues, who was inching her way closer to Julius. His eyes froze on Travis’ sister and he mumbled, “Oh, dear Lord.”

  “That’s just what you said ten years ago,” she teased, and I held my plastic fork a little tighter.

  “How are your parents?” he asked appropriately, and his mother beamed with pride at her son’s use of his manners.

  “They send their love,” she said and that was the final straw. I was not putting up with the Stovalls sending their daughter to love my husband. I jumped up and Julius quickly grabbed me around my massive waist and pulled me into the other room.

  “You seriously can’t be jealous of Analise, my God, look at her,” he demanded, and I finally looked at her with clear eyes. She was tall and skinny with no curves; her thin hair had no shape and her front teeth stuck out just a bit… and of course the freaky eyes.

  “Okay, now I need to know why?” I said and watched Julius smile at me.

  “I wanted to have sex, and she was there. She wouldn’t want a relationship and lived far away in case it turned out badly. If you keep pushing this, I’m calling Ryan,” he threatened, and I snapped out of my possessive mood.

  “Come see what I got,” I said and pulled his arm to see the gifts.

  Sues got him a piece of cake and Kevin got him some punch, causing Julius to move closer to me. I picked up the box Analise handed me and opened it to find a silver rattle. It was round with blue crystals embedded in the handle. It kept me mesmerized for several moments and Sues took advantage of my shiny object distraction to get a napkin and wipe Julius’ mouth as her own lips trembled.

  I thought baby showers were fun, but Julius found them terrifying.

  Chapter 26

  Time suddenly stopped. Days lasted years and all I wanted was Budge to budge. I would pay top dollar to anyone who could get my baby the heck out of my body. I had a suitcase packed, a nursery ready and waiting, a stressed husband, and a raging case of hemorrhoids.

  “Stay in today,” Julius said, “A storm is coming.”

  I looked at him with my round swollen face and glared. Where did he think I would go? Budge was riding so low my entire lower back ached, so going anywhere was out of the question. Julius gave me a long kiss and said, “It will be over soon, I promise. Your due date is only a few weeks away.”

  “Why do you hate me so much?” I said as I pushed him away.

  He chuckled as he left out the door and I instantly regretted not saying goodbye properly. Later in the evening, I called his cell and it wouldn’t ring. I finally called Claire and she told me the wind blew down a cell tower and I would have to call Julius on his land line at the club.

  In less than half-an-hour, the wind began to really howl. Julius called to check on me and said the club had lost power. I assured him the house was fine and he told me he would sleep at the club instead of fighting the storm to make it home. I made sure the dogs were inside and locked the doggie door.

  I took a long bath and read my book on delivery once again before the lights began to flicker. “Great,” I moaned and started the fireplace in case I lost lights. I snuggled in the luv sack with Hoser and Sammy and listened to the rain which eventually turned into snow, until I fell asleep.

  I woke up feeling like someone stabbed me with a knife. I grabbed my stomach and cried until the feeling passed. “No, Budge, not now,” I begged and tried to make my way to the phone. Just as I picked up the receiver my water broke. I was wearing a nightgown and stared at the dribbles on the floor with shock. I felt my heart begin to race at the thought of going into labor without my husband. I quickly dialed Julius and realized there was no dial tone.

  “Oh God,” I cried, and rushed to put on my coat to make it to Claire’s house. I stepped out from the mud porch and was so blinded by snow I couldn’t see the end of my deck, let alone Claire’s house. I turned to rush to the garage and another contraction hit me so hard I fell to the ground. My insides felt like they were being split apart and I knew things were happening too quickly.

  When I was able to walk again, I looked at the front of the house and saw a tree had fallen across the driveway. I was trapped without any way to get out. “Calm down, Tobi,” I told myself. Labor was supposed to last for hours. I could just lie down, and Julius would be home at first light.

  I went back to the luv sack and tried to calm down. When the next contraction hit, I tried the Lamaze breathing. I realized the only thing Lamaze does is make others look at your face instead of your splitting nasty. It didn’t relieve my pain at all and soon I was simply holding my breath.

  I rubbed my stomach and spoke softly to Budge, trying to let him know it would be okay and not to worry. Women had been having babies for centuries; surely it couldn’t be that big of a deal. Two hours passed, and the contractions were now three minutes apart. I was sweating and crying out each time they hit. I reached the point I wasn’t sure I was going to live through this, but I had to make sure Budge did.

  A strong knock came on the door and I yelled loudly for help. The door threw open and Amos looked at me, dressed in his uniform and carrying a radio. “Amos, help me, my baby is coming,” I cried.

  He ran to my side and handed me his flashlight as he spoke on his radio, calling for an ambulance. There was static on the line and I couldn’t make out what was being said. He looked at me and explained. “Trees are down to Harborton so an Ambulance will have to come from Cartwright, but they are on calls so you’ll be put on the list. Julius sent me to check on you, he can’t get past the fallen trees, either.”

  I nodded and began to scream as the next contraction hit me. “Hey, Toto, no, no, no. You must breathe through them. Look at me,” he demanded, and he took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “With me,” he said and did it again. I tried to match my pace with his and the next thing I knew the contraction was gone.

  “I need some stuff, okay; do you have a hot water
bottle, scissors, twine, and a suction?”

  “Um, Sues got me an emergency kit, it’s in the nursery,” I said and handed him the flashlight. He stood, and I cried out again causing him to look at me in shock.

  “Shit,” he mumbled and began breathing with me again. As soon as the contraction began to wane, he stood and ran from the room. He returned with blankets, towels, and the kit.

  “Have you timed the contractions?” he asked, and I nodded my head.

  “Amos, I feel the urge to push,” I said through my tears.

  “Toto, we’re going to do this together, okay. I need you to remove your underwear and place your feet on my shoulders.”

  “I’m telling Julius” I said angrily, and he smiled. I couldn’t believe he was trying to hit on me in my hour of need, not need like sexual need, but a policeman kind of need.

  “There isn’t one thing remotely sexy about you right now, so lift your feet and let’s deliver this baby,” he said and began placing towels under my legs.

  We worked through another contraction and he stacked some pillows to place the flashlight just where he needed. “Come on, Toto, let me see.”

  I finally knew it was impossible to die of humiliation, because this would have been my demise. I was going to have to spread my legs for the one man on earth I hated more than anything. Big, dumb Amos was not only going to see my baby before Julius, but he was going to see my private squiggle. The only thing worse would be my father having to deliver my baby, no my father has seen my bottom half before, this was absolutely the worst.

  “You better never repeat this to anyone,” I warned and pulled off my jumbo maternity panties. I closed my eyes and put my feet on Amos’ massive shoulders and felt his hands spread my legs at the knees.

  “Huh, you don’t wax?” he observed, and I instantly let my feet drop.

  “I’ll deliver him myself,” I said and tried to roll to my side when I screamed out in pain and had an almost uncontrollable urge to push.

  Amos grabbed my feet and put them back on his shoulders as he stared down at the task at hand. “Okay, honey, the next contraction you’re going to push. I want you to grab the back of your thighs and raise your shoulders off the ground as you count to ten. I’m going to use resistance and massage your perineum to keep you from tearing.”