Had To Be You

by Juliet Chatham

  “Just wanted to say hi.” She realized her voice sounded far too strained and breathless for what was supposed to be a casual drop-by. “Everyone is wondering how you’re doing, so I figured I might just sort of check in—since I just happened to be in your neighborhood.”

  She squirmed, hoping he wouldn’t ask why she happened to be in his neighborhood because she’d completely forgotten her alibi.

  “And I also wanted to tell you that Jill’s mom is planning a little party at the house for her and the baby this week. She never got to have a baby shower, so it will sort of be to make up for that. Trevor is still here and everyone is invited, so I’m sure you’ll be getting a call.”

  “How early did she actually go?” Matt leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

  “About three weeks. But everything’s fine,” she assured him, realizing her hands were actually shaking as she shoved them into the pockets of her denim shorts. “They’ll take Sophie home at just under six pounds tomorrow, which is a healthy weight.”

  “That’s good,” he replied softly, lowering his eyes.

  She figured she better just get this out before she once again lost her nerve. “Look, Matt, I’m not sure what Amanda did or didn’t tell you, but I wanted to explain to you that I did go to her. And it was honestly done with your best interest at heart. When you told me she wasn’t talking to you, I couldn’t help but think it might be, in part, due to the fact I made that surprise appearance at your bachelor party. I went there to assure her that it was all my doing, that you had no prior knowledge, and that, um, I wasn’t like jumping out of a cake or anything. But I’m so sorry if I only made it worse.”

  A shadow of amusement played around the corners of his mouth as he listened, a break in the storm, but another dark cloud quickly moved back in to settle over his features.

  The silence stretched between them before she spoke again, determined to give it one last shot. Rory figured her timing had always been bad, so why try to fight it anymore?

  “Matt, I want you to know that I—”

  “No…” He spoke up quickly, as if he knew what she was about to say. “It’s okay, really. And it’s certainly nothing that was your fault,” he said in a rushed, pained voice. “I just, um…I kind of want to be alone with this for a while, you know?”

  She could see all the conflict, doubt and guilt in his face, she heard it in his voice, and as much as she wanted to reach out and let him know she was going to be here—that she would wait forever, if necessary, because that’s what he would have done for her—she only nodded.

  “I understand,” she said, glancing away.

  “And Rory?”

  She turned back to meet the blue of his eyes again.

  “I’m really sorry your name got brought into that whole thing. I’m sorry if it caused you any embarrassment, or—”

  “It’s okay,” she cut in gently. “You don’t have to worry about me. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

  “So, when are you going back to New York?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” she admitted, hating the question, hating her life. “Soon, I guess.”

  His eyes rested in hers a moment before he slid his gaze away with a nod.

  “I’ll see ya, then.”

  As Rory turned to depart, just like always, it was the words they didn’t say in that moment that stayed with her.

  ***

  Carrying the artichoke dip to the table, she placed it next to the other appetizers before craning her neck to peek out the windows for the umpteenth time that afternoon.

  Kevin, Lindsay, and Bobby had arrived, arms laden with presents for the baby, all greeting her with these strange, soothing tones. Rory did her best to ignore it. Amid the concerned looks and gentle comments, there was only one thing that really affected her in any way, and that was when Kevin mentioned he thought Matt would, in fact, be coming today.

  It would be the first time he’d joined them all since his non-wedding day—which really wasn’t all that monumental an occasion since it hadn’t taken place only the weekend before—but still, she felt nervous and excited and apprehensive all the same.

  Everything was suddenly different. Where there had once been clouds of gloom and doom, now the sky had opened up, revealing peeks into a great big blue possibility.

  In a strange way, Rory felt she could somehow be content for the rest of her life, even if she never ended up with Matt, just knowing he didn’t end up with someone else. (And she really didn’t want to admit how truly pathetic and selfish and messed up that actually was.)

  Hannah Tompkins was home, thrilled about Jill and the baby.

  “Everything looks great,” she said, following her out with a large summer salad of strawberries, blueberries, and baby greens. “Rory, did you make that dip?”

  She glanced over at her. “What do you think?”

  Jill came out, balancing the sleeping infant in the crook of her arm. “I’m gonna go with no.”

  “Oh, come on, Rory!” Lindsay appeared on her other side, and her voice lilted up in sunny disbelief. “You’ve been living on your own a while. Surely you must have learned to cook at least one or two dishes by now?”

  “I don’t know about cooking any dishes, but I can personally vouch that she burnt a few pans,” Jill said.

  Mrs. Feeney appeared with a platter of grilled marinated chicken and shrimp.

  “How are we looking out here, girls?” She scanned the porch. “Do you think we have enough seats for everyone? Rory, can you maybe grab a couple of chairs from the patio set out back?”

  “Sure.”

  She headed towards the back door, glancing up at the very last minute to stop short before she almost ran straight into him. Her heart seemed to literally gasp inside her chest.

  Matt smiled almost shyly, dropping his head.

  “Hey. How’ve you been?”

  “I’m fine.” Her voice softened. “How are you?”

  “Okay.” It almost seemed like he was going to say something more, but then the rest of the crowd noticed his arrival.

  “Matt!” Trevor appeared with a grin to shake his hand. “Glad you could make it.”

  He smiled as he returned the handshake. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.” Trevor’s laugh had a mildly dazed quality, much like the first-time father suffering sleep deprivation that he probably was.

  “Matt O’Shea? How are you?” Hannah hurried up to give him a hug, and he only advanced a few more steps onto the porch before Mrs. Feeney was rushing over to greet him as well.

  “The food will all be ready in just a second,” she said as she headed back towards the kitchen.

  Jill was snuggled up in a cushioned wicker armchair, baby in arms, a small cloth draped carefully over her open blouse.

  “Sophie couldn’t wait to eat,” she informed him with a small grin.

  “And so I will just say my hello from way, way over here. How are ya, hot stuff?”

  “Scorchin’, thanks.”

  He glanced back to Hannah. “And I see you can find time in your busy schedule to come home for this, but not my wedding?” he joked, thought in a slightly more subdued tone than usual. “That’s nice, real nice. Guess I know who my real friends are.”

  “Aww, sorry, Matt.” She paused to sample the dip. “I’ll try to make the next one. Promise.”

  The others seemed to hesitate a moment, faces falling uncertainly.

  “What?” she mumbled around a bite of a carrot stick, noticing the reaction. “Like he wouldn’t be the first one with the inappropriate jokes if the situation were reversed?”

  Matt laughed, and everyone seemed to breathe a collective sigh of relief, relaxing back into their smiles.

  “Oh, more chairs!” Rory said mostly to herself, glancing at the table before quickly turning back to her task. With her heart racing, it was easier to stay in motion.

  “I’ll grab them,” he jumped in to offer.

  “No, it’s fine,
” she assured him with a nervous wave of her hand.

  “I know it’s fine,” he persisted, “but I’ve got it.”

  “No, really, I—”

  “Rory!”

  She was brought up short, though his raised voice held more than a touch of humor. Hesitating, she glanced back at him in the porch doorway.

  His expression softened on his gentle grin. “It’s okay,” he said, and somehow she knew he wasn’t just talking about the chairs.

  Nodding, she relented with a small smile. She let him go, her gaze following on a wistful sigh.

  ***

  Matt was glad for the excuse to step outside into the relief of fresh air, the burden of having to put on a cheery face already starting to wear on him a bit. He was genuinely happy for Jill and Trevor, and wished them all the best, but couldn’t help but wonder if he might have lost his chance for everything they had right now.

  “Hey, stranger.”

  He met Murph in a brief hug, slapping each other on the back.

  “I was wondering if we might see you today.”

  “Actually, I just have a few minutes to stop by on my way out to the airport. I have a shuttle ride coming to pick me up.”

  Matt only nodded, guilty all over again to consider the aggravation of time and expense he cost all his guests. And for what? Nothing.

  “So, how you doin’, buddy? Nice shiner, by the way.”

  “Yeah, thanks a lot.” Matt arched his brow in wry amusement as he grabbed up a couple of chairs. “And I’m okay. Or at least I think I will be. It’s just—every time I think about what I did to Amanda… I don’t know. I can’t seem to get past it. And I don’t know that I’m necessarily supposed to.”

  “Well, it would have been a helluva lot worse if you actually went through with it,” Murph pointed out, taking one of the chairs to carry it in with him. “And I mean that for both of you.”

  “I just wonder how I could have been so wrong, stupid, or whatever.” Adjusting his grip, Matt hesitated when he glanced up to see Rory move past the kitchen doorway inside, his eyes following her until she disappeared from view. He was suddenly hit with a wave of longing and regret so unexpected and achingly deep that it nearly brought him to his knees. “I…I don’t know what the hell is up. Let’s just leave it at that.”

  Murph followed the direction of his gaze, and his brow arched in a knowing look. “Are you really that confused though? Or maybe just struck senseless—overwhelmed and blinded by all the clarity?”

  Matt didn’t quite know what to say to this.

  “I’m going to go and say my goodbyes in there. Get off your lazy ass one of these days and come see me in Chi-town, will you?”

  “Hey, Murph,” he said, following after him. “Thanks. For everything, you know—coming all the way out here. All of it.”

  “No problem,” he replied, pausing on the steps with his trademark grin. “That’s the thing you gotta remember about old friends, though. They’re always gonna be there for you.”

  TWENTY-NINE

  “I guess I’m going to head out now.” Rory tied up the trash bag in her hands. “But it was a great party.”

  “Oh, thanks again for all your help,” Mrs. Feeney replied, placing the last of the silverware into the dishwasher. “I thought it went well, too. Jill got some beautiful things, hopefully everything she needs for the baby right now. For little people, they require a lot of stuff.”

  Rory smiled absently, gazing out towards the now empty living room. It seemed like everyone decided it was time to leave all at once, and when the flurry of activity surrounding their departures died down, Matt was nowhere to be found. He didn’t even say good night.

  “I’ll probably stop by again before I head back to New York.”

  “She would love that.” Mrs. Feeney gave her a quick squeeze. “Take care, dear.”

  Rory left out the back door and walked around the side of the house. Moonbeam shadows spilled across the lawn as pine needles crunched underfoot, the crickets chirping in the marsh.

  Emerging out into the front yard, the sound of a familiar voice stopped her short.

  “Hey.”

  Matt sat on the steps of the front porch, elbows resting on his knees.

  “Oh. Hi.” Once again, she did her best to sound casual, even though her heart started racing again. But she couldn’t allow it to get ahead of her this time. “What are you doing out here?”

  “Just waiting for you, I guess.” He eased forward to stand. “Have you decided when you’re going back to New York?”

  “No, not exactly…” Rory let her voice trail off, not feeling the need to detail how she wanted to be here for him in case he needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to. Or, if he perhaps felt like declaring his undying love and asking her to spend the rest of her life with him, since that option had recently opened up and all.

  “Well, I was thinking if you were around tomorrow, maybe we could do something in the afternoon. Hang out a while?”

  Rory didn’t trust her voice not to burst out like an excited, love-struck teenage girl, so she just replied with a very calm and affirmative nod.

  He hesitated. “Are you heading out now?”

  “Yeah. I guess I am.”

  She fell in step next to him as they crossed the dark and quiet yard to where his truck and her little rental were parked at the edge of the fence, both strolling along as if they were trying to stretch the thirty yard walk into thirty miles.

  “Did you get to hold the baby?” she asked.

  “No, actually, I didn’t,” he said, smiling. “But I did notice that she seemed to be pretty happy hanging out with you.”

  “I know, right?” Rory’s grin lifted. “I think she likes me. Maybe I have a knack.”

  “Or, you know, knockers.”

  “Hey!” She laughed as she gave his arm a little punch.

  “I’m sorry, but we’re talking about a nursing infant here. From what I saw, I’d have to estimate that ninety-five percent of that kid’s life is spent attached to a breast. That’s about all she knows of the world right now.” He rubbed at his arm although he was laughing, too. “And—ow—you still hit like a boy, Finn.”

  “And you still whine like a little girl.”

  “I may whine, but there is nothing little about me, I assure you.”

  “Well, other than how little you can handle pain. Do you need some ice for that?”

  “Why would I need ice?” he muttered playfully. “When you’re so damn cold?”

  “Aw, I’m sorry.” She feigned sympathy. “Did I leave a mark?”

  “Yes, actually, I think you did.” He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, trying to inspect his arm in the distant light glowing from the porch. “See that right there?”

  “Matt, it’s a freckle.”

  “No, it’s not,” he insisted. “Okay, maybe that is, but it’s somewhere there. Trust me.” He lifted his eyes back to hers with a softer smile. “You left a mark.”

  ***

  Standing in front of her dresser mirror, Rory twisted her long hair up into a loose ponytail. She glanced again at the assorted piles of clothes on her bed. She chose only her nicest things, and hoped it would be appropriate attire.

  Not so surprisingly, and despite all his promises, her father’s work commitments made him a no-show to her qualifying meets for gymnastics. This time, however, his apology came in the form of an invitation to stay with him in Boston for a couple of days. Rory was thrilled. He’d never invited her for a whole weekend before.

  There would be lots of nice restaurants, of course, but he’d also mentioned an event at the Museum of Fine Arts and possible seats to a Red Sox game. With a smile tugging at the corner of her lips, she returned to her closet, deciding she would also bring a sweatshirt for Fenway, just in case.

  The telephone rang and she rushed to the kitchen to answer it. Her father typically liked to let her know when he was getting close to the house, so she was sure to b
e ready and waiting out front (thereby minimizing any and all interaction with her mother).

  “Rory?”

  “Hey, Dad!” she greeted him a little breathlessly.

  “How’s my girl?”

  “Good. I’m just finishing up getting ready. What time do you think you’ll be here?”

  “Well, kiddo, here’s the deal…”

  Instantly, her heart sank.

  “It turns out this weekend isn’t going to work out for me after all. I completely forgot I had plans to fly out of town with Makayla. I already committed to it.”

  “I thought her name was Rebecca,” she said flatly, even though she was well aware he had already swapped his former young secretary/assistant for an even younger spinning instructor at his gym.

  “Now, now…don’t be like that. We’ll have plenty of other chances for our weekend.”

  “Like when?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, honey. I don’t have my whole schedule right in front of me. And don’t you have prom or something coming up?”

  Rory quickly swiped at the wet sting in the corner of her eye.

  “Rory?”

  “Yeah, Dad. Okay, um—well, I’ll talk to you later I guess.”

  She clicked off the phone and dropped it onto the kitchen counter. Returning to her room, she sat at the edge of her bed, next to the neatly folded clothes.

  Rory didn’t know how to make her father want to spend time with her, or what she was supposed to do to sustain a love that was supposed to be unconditional. As she sat there, she started to consider the possibility that love doesn’t really work that way. Maybe there are always hidden conditions, limitations, and clauses. And nothing was ever enough to keep it from going away.

  Her mom stopped in before going to the market. She cautioned Rory on having such blind faith in her father—or in any man, for that matter—explaining how it could only lead to exactly this kind of heartache and disappointment. That if she wasn’t careful, more guarded and less willing to believe, she might only be looking at more of this in the future.

  Needless to say, in her current mood, it wasn’t much of a pep talk.