Had To Be You

by Juliet Chatham

  Her voice softened with a touch of disappointment. “We could make it late, then.”

  He briefly closed his eyes, pretty much hating himself by this point. “I’ll have to see how it goes.”

  “Right,” she said, lowering her head before she glanced back up to meet his eyes. “Listen, I’m going to be at my mom’s. Bill has to work late, and I’ve hardly spent any time with her. So, I guess you can find me there.”

  His lips parted once before he could actually speak. “And I’ll, um…I’ll let you know. About dinner.”

  “Matt—is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. Sure. Everything’s fine,” he quickly replied, an ingrained response. “I really just have to figure out this problem.”

  “Okay, well, I’ll be waiting.”

  The corner of her soft lips lifted briefly before she turned to go.

  Matt supposed what it really came down to was that he didn’t know if he had it in him to believe in her. He didn’t even know if he had it in him to believe in himself anymore. Not in a million years could he ever have predicted he would actually leave someone at the altar. Yet he had.

  The one thing he had been trying to prove to Rory for most of his life that he’d never do to her, he did to someone else.

  He also couldn’t deny there was a small part of him that believed Amanda today. Despite everything—her scornful words, what history may tell him and what he may believe—this was one of those times in his life wherein he desperately, desperately wanted to be wrong.

  Unfortunately, when Matt was hoping he was wrong?

  It usually turned out to be one of the few times he was right.

  ***

  Easing the back porch door open with her hip, Rory carried in a small armful of ripe tomatoes to deposit them on the kitchen counter.

  Blowing a wisp of hair out of her eyes, she glanced at the clock above the stove. It was already well after five o’clock. Helping her mother out in the garden for a couple of hours provided a small distraction, but if she didn’t find something else to occupy her time soon, she might just go crazy waiting.

  Like with anything one might truly love, a little just made her want more. Rory wanted all of him, body and heart and soul, and that was everything she was willing to give. If only he would take it.

  When she wasn’t looking, the tides seemed to shift yet again. Or maybe it was just karma, catching up with her.

  She wondered if she could remember her mother’s old recipe for tomato pie. It might be nice to surprise her with that favorite dish, and it would at least give her something to do—or to ruin, either way. Maybe there were things in life that Rory was just never meant to master. Take cooking, for example. Or love.

  Through the open windows, she heard a car pull up outside on the gravel drive. She told herself it was just her mother returning home from her errands, afraid to hope for more.

  Her heart nearly stopped to hear a knock at the door.

  Feeling a swift rise of nervous anticipation, Rory headed out to the front hallway. Matt usually never knocked, but it had been a long time. It might be different now.

  “Come in,” she called out softly.

  She heard the creak of the hinges, and stopped short as it swung shut behind him.

  “Jonathan?”

  He looked so strange and awkward standing in her mother’s house, in tailored charcoal trousers, black dress shirt, and his sleek haircut.

  “Rory, I wasn’t sure if you were going to be here.”

  “What are you doing here, is the question?”

  “I was coming back from Connecticut, and got this idea in my head,” he started tentatively.

  She caught glimpses of the fleeting expressions on his face as he glanced around. She knew there was an awful lot of quaint, coastal New England in here for one lifelong Manhattan dweller to take in.

  “How did you even find me?” she asked.

  “I called your office, actually. It seems they’re concerned about you, too. Everyone wants to know how you are doing, how your mom is and when you’ll be back.” He hesitated. “How is your mother, by the way?”

  Rory shifted her eyes away, feeling the appropriate shame. “She’s…better.”

  “That’s good.” He glanced down at the ground. “I’ve been feeling badly about the way I ended our phone call that night, thinking about what you might be going through. And I’m not going to pretend that I understand why you seemed to have such a sudden change of heart, or why I was so wrong in thinking things were going well between us. But I will admit that maybe part of the reason I am here in person is to see if perhaps that could have been a temporary feeling, due to all you’ve been dealing with at home. That maybe you just needed a break, were going through a difficult time or it’s something we can work through—”

  “No, I’m sorry,” she cut him off gently before he could finish, feeling rotten as much as she empathized with him in so many ways. “It’s not like that. I want to be honest with you, Jonathan, because I haven’t been, and you didn’t deserve that. My mother is fine. She’s been fine all along. And it wasn’t that I had a change of heart. It was more like I had a realization. I had something unfinished, in my past. That’s what brought me back here. I’m sorry.”

  He seemed more than slightly perplexed. “Well, I see. So much for my grand romantic plan,” he said finally, sounding resigned. “I guess I’m better at writing scenes than trying to act them out.”

  “How is the play?” she asked.

  “You were right,” he said, his smile making a brief reappearance. “It had a shaky start, but after a few tweaks, they love it.”

  She smiled too. “I’m glad.”

  “Rory, can I ask—is it someone else? Is that what you mean about the unfinished part? This isn’t meant to be confrontational. I’m just a little confused.”

  Unsure of just how much honesty she should share, she finally nodded. “Yes. I’m sorry. There is. It’s someone I’ve had feelings for…well, for a very long time. And I guess I wasn’t completely over him.”

  “I see. Well, that explains a lot, actually. I had the feeling there might be someone, to tell you the truth.” He still looked a little taken aback. “I can’t deny I was always intrigued by that little mystery and distance about you. I guess it’s my own fault if that’s what attracted me in the first place. It’s hard for a man to resist a challenge, after all.”

  “Nothing, none of this, is your fault, Jonathan. I should have just told you the truth from the beginning,” she said. “I wish I could’ve told everyone the truth—and just finally admit it to myself—because all I did was make a huge, horrible mess of things. I hurt so many people, including you. And I’m so sorry for that.”

  They both stood there a moment, reaching around to feel for anything left to say.

  “Then I guess,” Jonathan sighed, “I should probably be on my way.”

  He hesitantly eased towards her, and Rory stepped up to meet him in a reluctant and somewhat clumsy hug. It was almost immediately interrupted by the sudden creak and slam of the screen door against its wooden frame.

  She turned, her heart twisting to see Matt standing there.

  “Oh…” She swallowed breathlessly, taking a step back. “Hi.”

  A dark smile barely visited his lips before it left, and he glanced between them.

  “Jonathan?” She gestured with her hand, feeling she had no reason to add insult to injury in this situation. “This is Matt. Matt…Jonathan.”

  Jonathan moved towards him to extend a hand.

  “That sounds like a familiar name.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” Matt murmured, but returned the handshake.

  “Nice to meet you.”

  “You, too.”

  Pleasantries aside, an awkward and uncomfortable silence fell over the three of them.

  “So, I was wondering when I was going to see you,” Rory finally spoke up, smiling at Matt and studying his reaction as she tried to judge ju
st what his feelings might be to walk in and find her ex-boyfriend here.

  He didn’t offer anything in response, avoiding direct eye contact. Not feeling so great about it, apparently.

  “Matt owns his own bar here in town,” she explained to Jonathan. “It does a great business, especially in the summer. Awesome views of the harbor. It’s right by the public landing, and people can pull their boats up. They have a small pub menu that’s really good, too.” In all her nervousness, she apparently resorted to drafting up a press release.

  “Yeah, and I should be getting back to it.” Matt cleared his throat as he moved towards the door. “I’m out a bartender tonight, so I have to cover the shift myself. That’s actually what I was coming over to say.” He gave a curt nod of his head in Jonathan’s direction. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too.”

  Rory watched in dismay, realizing he planned to leave just like that.

  “Well—wait!” she called after him urgently, glancing once at Jonathan. “I’m so sorry. Can you just give me a minute here?”

  As the screen door swung shut in empty air, she dashed out of the house after him, needing to pick up speed to catch up with his long strides as he crossed the lawn to his truck.

  “So, tell me, is he here to convince you to return to New York with him?” he tossed back. “Or do you not need convincing, Rory?”

  “It’s not what you think!” she exclaimed. “I had no idea he was coming here. Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you probably are.”

  “But, see, that’s the thing.” Pausing by the truck door, he sort of laughed sadly and shook his head. “I’m not that surprised.”

  “Will you please listen to me!?” She placed her hand on his arm to stop him, and then got directly in his path so he had to look at her. “I was just telling him goodbye.”

  “Yeah, you’re good at that,” Matt said with a deadly quiet, regarding her with almost no feeling in his expression.

  She felt a small, sickening drop inside her stomach, giving rise to the sound of apprehension in her voice. “What is that supposed to mean? What’s going on? Why are you suddenly acting like this?”

  “What did you tell Amanda exactly, when you went to talk to her?”

  Rory blinked once, caught off guard by the unexpected question. “I—I already told you. I was explaining to her that nothing happened with us the night of your bachelor party. That you didn’t even know I was going to be there.”

  He studied her with darker eyes. “So, you didn’t tell her that you were going to stay away if the wedding actually happened? That you were just going to cut me out, drop me from your life just like that, because things didn’t go the way you wanted? Like I was some kind of contest?”

  “Matt, no…” Rory quickly shook her head, afraid there might be a flicker of remembrance in her eyes. These were the words Amanda used, however, not her. “It wasn’t like that. I was trying to make things right, and at the time it seemed like I should—”

  “You know what?” He cut her off too abruptly. “Doesn’t matter.” He took a deep breath, his voice hitching on his words. “I don’t know if this is going to work right now. You and me. Maybe you should think about going back to New York.”

  “What? Why?” Her heart slipped out in her voice, dashing to pieces on the ground as she pleaded with him. “After everything that happened between us in the last couple of days? Please don’t let something I had absolutely no control over be held against me. I had no idea Jonathan was—”

  “It’s not even really about that,” Matt cut in, shaking his head. His face went tight with pain and resolution. “I mean, it is, but it’s not about him, really. It’s about the fact that I walked into that house and immediately assumed the worst.” When he finally met her eyes, the somber, sorrowful, stormy gray-blue was even more devastating. “So, yeah, Rory, maybe I’m overreacting. I can admit that. But at the same time, it made me realize how I might always be inclined to do that, and how easily everything that happened between us in these past few weeks could be erased just like that. Because it’s happened before, and I have no idea if it’s going to happen again.”

  She bit down on her lower lip, feeling her eyes well with tears, frantically trying to glue enough of her heart and voice back together to say what she so badly wanted him to know. It won’t. I promise it won’t.

  “I don’t know. Maybe we rushed back into something way too soon. Or maybe I’ve just been kidding myself all along.”

  “Matt, please…don’t do this.” She found that all she could manage was a hoarse whisper, raw tears scorching her voice. “You can trust me. It’s different this time, I swear. I’m different.”

  He shook his head, almost like he didn’t even want to hear. And then his voice broke as well. “I’ve gotta go—I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be at work right now.”

  Turning quickly, he opened the truck door, climbing into the driver’s seat to pull away without as much as a backwards glance.

  Rory stood there staring after him for several minutes before the realization that he just left actually sunk in, stealing her brief hope it had only been a bad dream.

  Stealing any hope she had at all.

  THIRTY-THREE

  Matt followed his brother up the stairwell, wishing he would pick up the pace. The old nervous flutters were back, he could not deny. In fact, there was so much going on inside him at the moment, he wasn’t sure exactly which feeling he should go with. The one that kept nudging its way to the top felt a lot like hope.

  Two other guys were on their way down, carrying a futon couch. They flattened their bodies against the wall to give them room to pass.

  “What floor is she on again?” Danny asked.

  “Four.” Matt glanced up. They were close.

  The ride to Boston had seemed to take even longer than usual, and he had been urging Danny all week to consider the need for an early start. They were supposed to help Kevin empty out his entire place in Cambridge first. It seemed a stroke of unexpected fortune that his brother already had his boxes packed and waiting to go. Now they were early.

  When they reached the floor and Danny threw him back a questioning glance, Matt inclined his head towards the third door on the right. He had been here before, of course. He even spent the night once. Okay, maybe more than once. Even if they were back to being just friends, he couldn’t help it if he remembered that.

  The floor was nearly deserted, other dorm rooms stripped clean. Rory had some late exams and was probably one of the last few students still here, but at least her move-out day had coincided with his brother’s. Maybe, just maybe, it was a sign that their timing was finally improving.

  In a last burst of anticipation, Matt passed Danny in the hallway to reach her door first. And there, he stopped short.

  Rory was halfway reclined on her bed, bared down to just the mattress, her eyes sparkling with laughter. Partially reclined next to her, looking entirely too comfortable, was the guy who was making her laugh.

  She noticed him almost immediately, and quickly jumped up.

  “Oh, hi! Wow—you’re here! I thought you were going to call when you were on your way from Kevin’s place. I would have had my things downstairs and ready.”

  Matt’s intention had been to save her the trip. Now he only wondered what he might have just interrupted.

  Danny appeared at his side, just slightly out of breath. “Hey, Rory.”

  “Hi, Danny.” She returned his greeting, still smiling, though her eyes remained on Matt. “This is Mike.”

  The guy was already standing from the bed, built just slightly shorter and stockier than him with sandy brown hair. He extended his hand with a wide, amiable grin. Matt ignored the sudden urge to knock it right off his face.

  “Nice to meet you guys.” Mike then headed towards the door, still with that damn grin plastered on his face. “Rory—I’ll be in touch.”

  She smiled after him without replying.

  “I was just
telling Matt,” Rory turned to Danny, “that I would have had my things ready to go. You guys are here early. Now I feel bad.”

  “I’ll bet,” Matt muttered under his breath.

  She shot him a look.

  “We didn’t have to do much at Kevin’s,” Danny replied. “His stuff was all ready to go. Are these your boxes here?”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  Danny lifted one to carry it from the room.

  “So, who was that guy?” Matt asked once they were alone.

  “He’s just a friend.”

  “Bull,” he said on a soft snort, bending for another box.

  She only regarded him with a scowl.

  “I’m not saying anything. You’re free to do as you choose.” He hoisted it up in his grip. “Just do me a favor—don’t feel like you have to friggin’ lie to me about it.”

  Rory grabbed another box, shaking her head and following him out.

  They quickly loaded up the rest of Danny’s truck, and she glanced in curiously when she finally came down with the last of her things.

  “Where is Kevin?” She climbed into the back seat. “He’s not coming home with us?”

  “No, change of plans. Apparently just his stuff is.” Danny glanced in his rearview mirror, and then tilted his head out the truck window to maneuver away from the curb. “He’ll probably take the bus or train home after this weekend. He’s staying a couple more nights at a friend’s place in Cambridge.”

  Slumped in the front passenger seat next to him, Matt assumed his best tutorial voice-over. “And by friend, what we actually mean is sex partner.”

  Danny shook his head. “I have a feeling this is going to be a long ride home…”

  A tense, weighted silence filled the truck until Matt leaned forward to adjust the radio controls, turning the music up as loud as his older brother would tolerate.

  Gazing out her window at the passing city scenery, Rory eased back to get more comfortable for the ride, and softly hummed along to the chorus. Matt abruptly switched stations. She pressed her lips together, catching herself.