The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Not exactly at the Mère Gásof's, but rather at the Père Gásof's, or better still, at the Fils Gásof's.

  BETSY. You can't do without puns. It's an illness. And were the Gypsies there? [3]

  [Laughs.

  PETRÍSTCHEF (sings). "On their aprons silken threads, little birds with golden heads!"....

  BETSY. Happy mortals! And we were yawning at Fofo's.

  PETRÍSTCHEF (continues to sing). "And she promised and she swore, she would ope' her ... her ... her...." how does it go on, Márya Konstantínovna?

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. "Closet door."

  PETRÍSTCHEF. How? What? How, Márya Konstantínovna?

  BETSY. Cessez, vous devenez impossible! [4]

  PETRÍSTCHEF. J'ai cessé, j'ai bébé, j'ai dédé....[5]

  BETSY. I see the only way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you sing! Let us go into Vovo's room, his guitar is there. Come, Márya Konstantínovna, come!

  [Exeunt BETSY, MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA, and PETRÍSTCHEF.

  FIRST PEASANT. Who be they?

  GREGORY. One is our young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her music.

  FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ain't she smart? A reg'lar picture!

  SECOND PEASANT. Why don't they marry her? She is old enough, I should say.

  GREGORY. Do you think it's the same as among you peasants,--marry at fifteen?

  FIRST PEASANT. And that man, for example, is he also in the musitional line?

  GREGORY (mimicking him). "Musitional," indeed! You don't understand anything!

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our ignorance.

  THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!

  [Gypsy songs and guitar accompaniment are heard from VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH'S room.

  [Enter SIMON, followed by TÁNYA, who watches the meeting between father and son.

  GREGORY (to SIMON). What do you want?

  SIMON. I have been to Mr. Kaptchítch.

  GREGORY. Well, and what's the answer?

  SIMON. He sent word he couldn't possibly come to-night.

  GREGORY. All right, I'll let them know.

  [Exit.

  SIMON (to his father). How d'you do, father! My respects to Daddy Efím and Daddy Mítry! How are all at home?

  SECOND PEASANT. Very well, Simon.

  FIRST PEASANT. How d'you do, lad?

  THIRD PEASANT. How d'you do, sonny?

  SIMON (smiles). Well, come along, father, and have some tea.

  SECOND PEASANT. Wait till we've finished our business. Don't you see we are not ready yet?

  SIMON. Well, I'll wait for you by the porch.

  [Wishes to go away.

  TÁNYA (running after him). I say, why didn't you tell him anything?

  SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, I'll tell him over our tea.

  [Exit.

  [THEODORE IVÁNITCH enters and sits down by the window.

  FIRST PEASANT. Respected sir, how's our business proceeding?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wait a bit, he'll be out presently, he's just finishing.

  TÁNYA (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). And how do you know, Theodore Ivánitch, he is finishing?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he reads the question and answer aloud.

  TÁNYA. Can one really talk with spirits by means of a saucer?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It seems so.

  TÁNYA. But supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Of course he will.

  TÁNYA. But they do not speak with words?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at which letter the saucer stops.

  TÁNYA. Yes, but at a si-ance?....

  [Enter LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, friends, I can't do it! I should be very glad to, but it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a different matter.

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. What more could any one desire? But the people are so inpennycuous--it is quite impossible!

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I can't do it, I really can't. Here is your document; I can't sign it.

  THIRD PEASANT. Show some pity, master; be merciful!

  SECOND PEASANT. How can you act so? It is doing us a wrong.

  LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in summer, but then you did not agree; and now I can't agree to it.

  THIRD PEASANT. Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so little land. We'll say nothing about the cattle; a hen, let's say, there's no room to let a hen run about.

  [LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH goes up to the door and stops. Enter, descending the staircase, ANNA PÁVLOVNA and DOCTOR, followed by VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH, who is in a merry and playful mood and is putting some bank-notes into his purse.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet). Then I am to take it?

  DOCTOR. If the symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all, you must behave better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a thin little hair tube, especially when we squeeze the tube? It's impossible; and so it is with the biliary duct. It's simple enough.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. All right, all right!

  DOCTOR. Yes. "All right, all right," and you go on in the same old way. It won't do, madam--it won't do. Well, good-bye!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, not good-bye, only au revoir! For I still expect you to-night. I shall not be able to make up my mind without you.

  DOCTOR. All right, if I have time I'll pop in.

  [Exit.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (noticing the PEASANTS). What's this? What? What people are these?

  [PEASANTS bow.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about the sale of some land.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I see they are peasants, but who let them in?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Leoníd Fyódoritch gave the order. He has just been speaking to them about the sale of the land.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all, how can one let in people from the street into the house? One can't let people in from the street! One can't let people into the house who have spent the night heaven knows where!... (Getting more and more excited.) I daresay every fold of their clothes is full of microbes-- of scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of diphtheria microbes! Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an epidemic of diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back!

  [LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH goes into his room and shuts the door. GREGORY goes to recall the DOCTOR.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (smokes at the PEASANTS). Never mind, mamma; if you like I'll fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh, what?

  [ANNA PÁVLOVNA remains severely silent, awaiting the DOCTOR'S return.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (to PEASANTS). And do you fatten pigs? There's a first-rate business!

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line now and then.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. This kind?...

  [Grunts like a pig.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, Vovo, leave off!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Isn't it like? Eh, what?

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's very resemblant.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, leave off, I tell you!

  SECOND PEASANT. What's it all about?

  THIRD PEASANT. I said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile!

  [Enter DOCTOR and GREGORY.

  DOCTOR. What's the matter? What's happened?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now, how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor--and here are people from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of diphtheria, right in my house!

  DOCTOR. These good fellows you mean, I suppose?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course. Str
aight from a diphtheric place!

  DOCTOR. Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash; but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. But don't you yourself advise carefulness?

  DOCTOR. Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house completely disinfected.

  DOCTOR. Oh, no! Why completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more. I'll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of water....

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Boiled?

  DOCTOR. It's all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows themselves, they must be off, of course. That's all. Then you're quite safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution through a spray--two or three tumblers--you'll see how well it will act. No danger whatever.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tánya! Where is Tánya?

  [Enter TÁNYA.

  TÁNYA. Did you call, M'm?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You know that big bottle in my dressing-room?

  TÁNYA. Out of which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well, then, take that bottle and first wash with soap the place where they have been standing, and then with....

  TÁNYA. Yes, M'm; I know how.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And then take the spray.... However, I had better do that myself when I get back.

  DOCTOR. Well, then, do so, and don't be afraid! Well, au revoir till this evening.

  [Exit.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain! Get out, get out! Go--what are you looking at?

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's because of our stupidity, as we were instructed....

  GREGORY (pushes the PEASANTS out). There, there; be off!

  SECOND PEASANT. Let me have my handkerchief back!

  [The handkerchief in which the presents were wrapped.

  THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord! didn't I say--some lodging-house meanwhile!

  [GREGORY pushes him out. Exeunt PEASANTS.

  PORTER (who has repeatedly tried to say something).--Will there be any answer?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Ah, from Bourdier? (Excitedly.) None! None! You can take it back. I told her I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow my daughter to wear it!

  PORTER. I know nothing about it. I was sent....

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (solemnly). Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart!

  PORTER. I might have been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly five hours!

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ambassador from Bourdier, begone!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Cease, please!

  [Exit PORTER.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (shouting at the top of his voice). Betsy! PETRÍSTCHEF! Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What?

  [Enter PETRÍSTCHEF, BETSY, and MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You always keep one waiting!

  BETSY. On the contrary, I was waiting for you!

  [PETRÍSTCHEF bows with his head only, then kisses ANNA PÁVLOVNA'S hand.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How d'you do! (To BETSY.) You always have an answer ready!

  BETSY. If you are upset, mamma, I had better not go.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Are we going or not?

  BETSY. Well, let us go; it can't be helped.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Did you see the man from Bourdier?

  BETSY. Yes, and I was very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to wear it when it is paid for.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent!

  BETSY. Why has it become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have a fit of prudery.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely altered, then it would do.

  BETSY. Mamma, that is quite impossible.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, get dressed.

  [They sit down. GREGORY puts on their over-shoes for them.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Márya Konstantínovna, do you notice a vacuum in the hall?

  MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. What is it?

  [Laughs in anticipation.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Bourdier's man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh?

  [Laughs loudly.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, let us go. (Goes out of the door, but returns at once.) Tánya!

  TÁNYA. Yes, M'm?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Don't let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants to be let out, put on her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well to-day.

  TÁNYA. Yes, M'm.

  [Exeunt ANNA PÁVLOVNA, BETSY, and GREGORY.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, have you got it?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed at the gov'nor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the mater--I got it out of her. It's here! (Slaps his breast pocket.) If once I make up my mind, there's no getting away from me. I have a deadly grip! Eh, what? And d'you know, my wolf-hounds are coming to-day.

  [PETRÍSTCHEF and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH put on their outdoor things and go out. TÁNYA follows.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (alone). Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it they can't live in peace? But one must say the new generation are not --the thing. And as to the women's dominion!... Why, Leoníd Fyódoritch just now was going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy she was in--slammed the door behind him. He is a wonderfully kind-hearted man. Yes, wonderfully kind. What's this? Here's Tánya bringing them back again!

  TÁNYA. Come in, come in, grand-dads, never mind!

  [Enter TÁNYA and the PEASANTS.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why have you brought them back?

  TÁNYA. Well, Theodore Ivánitch, we must do something about their business. I shall have to wash the place anyhow.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But the business will not come off, I see that already.

  FIRST PEASANT. How could we best put our affair into action, respected sir? Your reverence might take a little trouble over it, and we should give you full thankings from the Commune for your trouble.

  THIRD PEASANT. Do try, honey! We can't live! We have so little land. Talk of cattle--why, we have no room to keep a hen!

  [They bow.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I am sorry for you, friends, but I can't think of any way to help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused. So what can one do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me your papers--I'll try and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to succeed.

  [Exit.

  [TÁNYA and the three PEASANTS sigh.

  TÁNYA. But tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted?

  FIRST PEASANT. Why, only that he should put his signature to our document.

  TÁNYA. That the master should sign? Is that all?

  FIRST PEASANT. Yes, only lay his signature on the deed and take the money, and there would be an end of the matter.

  THIRD PEASANT. He only has to write and sign, as the peasants, let's say, desire, so, let's say, I also desire. That's the whole affair--if he'd only take it and sign it, it's all done.

  TÁNYA (considering). He need only sign the paper and it's done?

  FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. The whole matter is in dependence on that, and nothing else. Let him sign, and we ask no more.

  TÁNYA. Just wait and see what Theodore Ivánitch will say. If he cannot persuade the master, I'll try something.

  FIRST PEASANT. Get round him, will you?

  TÁNYA. I'll try.