The Complete Works of Leo Tolstoy (25+ Works with active table of contents)

by Leo Tolstoy

  YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening.

  BETSY. I'll try to come.

  OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know when. Good afternoon, ma toute belle.

  [Kisses BETSY, and exit, followed by her daughter. BETSY goes upstairs.

  GREGORY. I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.

  SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions!

  FIRST FOOTMAN. It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions.

  GREGORY. Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then they look at me, and at once it's "lay zhon!"

  SECOND FOOTMAN. And what's that?

  GREGORY. Oh, that means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same at table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is none.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand.

  GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that they've married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke.

  [Exit.

  SECOND FOOTMAN. That's a bold young man you've got.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive out.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. "If you're a footman, be a footman and fulfil your calling." Such pride is not befitting.

  [PETRÍSTCHEF comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.

  PETRÍSTCHEF (deep in thought). Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. (Enter KOKO KLÍNGEN, wearing his pince-nez.) Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool....

  PETRÍSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I give it up. I've no time.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Where else are you going?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ivins, to practice for the concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. How did yesterday's séance go off?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined, and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I'm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word they'll construe it into a proposal. Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout! [17]

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah together.

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid--a regular blockhead!

  PETRÍSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... "with a love so strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be"....

  [Exit into Vovo's room.

  [BETSY comes down with a LADY. KOKO bows significantly to BETSY.

  BETSY (shaking KOKO'S hand without turning towards him. To LADY). You are acquainted?

  LADY. No.

  BETSY. Baron Klíngen.... Why were you not here last night?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged.

  BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! (Laughs.) You should have seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed the verses, and I the music.

  BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me!

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings:

  "Oh, naught so beautiful as nature: The Nautilus sails by. Oh, naughty lass, oh, naughty lass! Oh, nought, oh, nought! Oh, fie!"

  LADY. I see, my second is "nought," and what is my first?

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.

  BETSY. Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of her love. (Laughs.) She goes about lamenting, and sings--

  "My appetite,"

  KOKO KLÍNGEN (interrupts)--

  "How can I fight,"....

  BETSY (chimes in)--

  "Some one to chew I long. I seeking go ...."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "But even so...."

  BETSY--

  "No one to chew can find."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "A raft sails by,"

  BETSY--

  "It cometh nigh; Two generals upon it...."

  KOKO KLÍNGEN--

  "Two generals are we: By fate's hard decree, To this island we flee."

  And then, the refrain--

  "By fate's hard decree, To this island we flee."

  LADY. Charmant!

  BETSY. But just think how silly!

  KOKO KLÍNGEN. Yes, that's the charm of it!

  LADY. And who is to be Aero?

  BETSY. I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says it's "not decent." And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. (To THEODORE IVÁNITCH.) Is Bourdier's man here?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.

  LADY. Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut?

  BETSY. Oh, you'll see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you. Au revoir.

  LADY. Good-bye!

  [They bow. Exit LADY.

  BETSY (to KOKO KLÍNGEN). Come up to mamma.

  [BETSY and KOKO go upstairs. JACOB enters from servants' quarters, carrying a tray with teacups, cakes, etc., and goes panting across the stage.

  JACOB (to the FOOTMEN). How d'you do? How d'you do?

  [FOOTMEN bow.

  JACOB (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit! I'm ready to drop....

  [Exit up the stairs.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. That is a hard-working chap you've got there.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesn't satisfy the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now they've gone and told tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good fellow.

  SECOND FOOTMAN. What peasants were they?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of them the father of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked into the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going on. Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down, and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! "How is this," she says; "these people may be infected, and they are let into the kitchen!".... She is terribly afraid of this infection.

  [Enter GREGORY.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He can't manage alone.

  GREGORY. He's awkward, that's why he can't manage.

  [Exit.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. And what is this new mania they have got? This infection!... So yours also is afraid of it?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business, nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. I see. That's why there is such a stuffy
smell here. (With animation.) I don't know what we're coming to with these infection notions. It's just detestable! They seem to have forgotten the Lord. There's our master's sister, Princess Mosolóva, her daughter was dying, and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would come near her! So she died without their having taken leave of her. And the daughter cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they didn't go! The doctor had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own maid and a trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; they're still alive!

  [Enter VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH and PETRÍSTCHEF from VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH'S room, smoking cigarettes.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with me.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what?

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say goodbye.

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the coachman's room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman said, he nearly ate him.

  PETRÍSTCHEF. Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?

  VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You are always at it!

  [Puts on outdoor things and goes out.

  PETRÍSTCHEF (thoughtfully). Ma - kin - tosh, Co - co - tin.... Let's see.

  [Goes upstairs.

  [JACOB runs across the stage.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the matter?

  JACOB. There is no more thin bread and butter. I said....

  [Exit.

  SECOND FOOTMAN. And then our master's little son fell ill, and they sent him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without his mother.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. They don't seem to fear sin! I think you cannot escape from God anywhere.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's what I think.

  [JACOB runs upstairs with bread and butter.

  FIRST FOOTMAN. One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of everybody like that, we'd better shut ourselves up within four walls, as in a prison, and stick there!

  [Enter TÁNYA; she bows to the FOOTMEN.

  TÁNYA. Good afternoon.

  [FOOTMEN bow.

  TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what?

  TÁNYA. The peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch....

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon.

  TÁNYA. I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't say how! Now they only ask you to take the money.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But where are they?

  TÁNYA. Here, by the porch.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, I'll tell the master.

  TÁNYA. I have another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What now?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any longer. Ask them to let me go.

  [Enter JACOB, running.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (to JACOB). What d'you want?

  JACOB. Another samovár, and oranges.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ask the housekeeper.

  [Exit JACOB.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH (to TÁNYA). How is that?

  TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, my position is such....

  JACOB (runs in). There are not enough oranges.

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Serve up as many as you've got. (Exit JACOB.) Now's not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in.

  TÁNYA. But you know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to this bustle; one might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair is for life.... Dear Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn, be a father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else she'll get angry and won't let me have my passport.[18]

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Where's the hurry?

  TÁNYA. Why, Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.... And I could go to my godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get married.[19] Do tell her, dear Theodore Ivánitch!

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go away--this is not the place.

  [An elderly GENTLEMAN comes downstairs, puts on overcoat, and goes out, followed by the SECOND FOOTMAN.

  [Exit TÁNYA. Enter JACOB.

  JACOB. Just fancy, Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to discharge me now! She says, "You break everything, and forget Frisk, and you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!" And you know very well that I knew nothing about it. Tatyána told me, "Take them into the kitchen"; how could I tell whose order it was?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you?

  JACOB. She's just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch, do, please!

  [ANNA PÁVLOVNA comes down with the old COUNTESS, whom she is seeing off. The COUNTESS has false teeth and hair. The FIRST FOOTMAN helps the COUNTESS into her outdoor things.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.

  COUNTESS. If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see you.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is rough, but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple.

  COUNTESS. Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Pray, take care of yourself.

  COUNTESS. Merci, mille fois merci.[20]

  [GREGORY, dishevelled and excited, jumps out from the servants' quarters. SIMON appears behind him in the doorway.

  SIMON. You'd better leave her alone!

  GREGORY. You rascal! I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house?

  GREGORY. This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (provoked). You've lost your senses. Don't you see? (To COUNTESS.) Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi! [21]

  [Exeunt COUNTESS and FIRST FOOTMAN.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to GREGORY). What is the meaning of this?

  GREGORY. Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I won't allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, what has happened?

  GREGORY. Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the gentlemen, that he wants to fight!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why? What for?

  GREGORY. Heaven only knows!

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to SIMON). What is the meaning of it?

  SIMON. Why does he bother her?

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What has happened?

  SIMON (smiles). Well, you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya, the lady's-maid, and she won't have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a bit, just so, with my hand.

  GREGORY. A nice little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn my dress-coat, and he says, "The same power as came over me yesterday comes on me again," and he begins to squeeze me.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to SIMON). How dare you fight in my house?

  THEODORE IVÁNITCH. May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you Simon is not indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory --one must admit the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her. Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him.

  GREGORY. Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered their trickery.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What trickery?

  GREGORY. Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,--it was not Simon but Tánya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa with my own eyes.

  ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What is that? From under the sofa?

  GREGORY. I give you my word of honor. And it was she who threw the paper on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not have been signed, nor the land sold to the peasants.