Fuzzy Nation

by John Scalzi

  Holloway listened to Papa explain to Soltan and was amazed again by the creature. Papa’s words were simple—even at its highest setting the particular software Sam had on his infopanel was not meant for complex adult concepts or reading levels, and Papa’s language would be hampered by that—but the fuzzy spoke them confidently and fluently. It didn’t know much of the English language, but the little part it knew, it knew pretty well. Well enough for this.

  Papa turned to Holloway. “My throat hurts,” the fuzzy said.

  “Of course it does,” Holloway said. “You’ve been orating in a very low voice.”

  Soltan looked at Holloway. “He’s saying he was a spy,” Soltan said. “Acting like a pet.”

  “Yes,” Holloway said. “Although not entirely like a pet. It was clear Papa was smart, it just wasn’t clear he was smart on the level of a sentient creature. Also, he’s not really a he, he’s an it.”

  Soltan frowned. “You call him ‘Papa,’” she said.

  “Biology mistake,” Holloway said. “Patriarchal assumptions. What are you going to do.”

  “Well, whatever,” Soltan said, and turned her attention back to Papa. “Do all of your people speak our language?” she asked.

  “No,” Papa said. “I do. Some others do. Not many. It is hard to learn. Only I did from those who came to be with Jack Holloway.”

  “Why did you want to learn our language?” Soltan asked.

  “We want to know why you do what you do,” Papa said. “When we found the flat talking rock we knew that it could help us learn to talk with men. We learn and we look for a man to talk to. We did not find good men. We found bad men.”

  “Who are the bad men?” Soltan said. “You said we had many of them.”

  “Yes,” Papa said. “They have machines and tear the ground and trees and make the air stink. The trees are where we live and where our food is. When they come we do not stay. They do not see us because we see how they kill animals who come close. We go and we hide.”

  Soltan glanced up at Holloway at this. “I presume you haven’t told your friend here what you do for a living, Mr. Holloway.”

  Holloway looked embarrassed at this. “It hasn’t come up, no,” he said.

  “There are levels of irony to that,” Soltan said.

  “Granted,” Holloway said. “But given who they are and how they live, it’s easy to see why they see the surveyors and workers they come across as bad men. It also explains how they came to find me. Sam Hamilton’s old territory was next to mine. Not too long ago, the new surveyor there found copper along the border of our territories, and ZaraCorp came in and tore up a good chunk of it. Papa’s tribe of fuzzys must have gotten displaced. They’ve been moving through the trees ever since, looking for a new home. And if you want to hear something both funny and sad, ask Papa why it thought living with me might be a good idea.”

  Soltan looked at Papa. “Why did you want to live with Jack Holloway?” she asked.

  “I do not think men will tear the ground and trees where they live,” Papa said.

  “Think about that, Your Honor,” Holloway said. “Aside from the irony inherent in the statement, that’s a fair feat of cognitive modeling. This fuzzy took what it knew about humans and guessed at what our behavior would be toward each other, and how it could work that to its own advantage and to the advantage of its own people.”

  “If that’s true, then the thing’s been using you all this time, Mr. Holloway,” Soltan said.

  “Another argument for their sentience, Your Honor,” Holloway said.

  “It doesn’t bother you,” Soltan said.

  “Not really, Your Honor,” Holloway said.

  “Mr. Holloway, that doesn’t surprise me in the least,” Soltan said.

  “Yes, Your Honor,” Holloway said. “And now may I remind you that as enlightening as this has been for all of us, I brought Papa here for a specific reason, which is to testify for this preliminary hearing. If Your Honor is sufficiently convinced that Papa is neither a trick nor a parrot, I would like to put it on the stand.”

  “Your Honor, I have to strenuously object,” Meyer said. “This creature has not yet been proven sentient. Any testimony it gives would be inadmissible in any court in the Colonial Authority or on Earth. If you allow the testimony, you’re giving in to the sideshow you said you were hoping to avoid.”

  Soltan blinked at Meyer. “Ms. Meyer, have you been in the same courtroom I have been in for the last several minutes?” she asked. “I’ve just had a longer and more cogent discussion with this creature than I suspect you have ever had with your client. The question to me no longer is whether these creatures are sentient or not. That particular question was answered to my satisfaction several minutes ago. The only question now is whether or not this creature in particular is a credible witness. So I’m going to hear its testimony, Ms. Meyer, and make my decision after I hear what it has to say.”

  “Then I’d like to request a thirty-minute recess to prepare,” Meyer said.

  “Another recess,” Soltan said. “Why not.” She headed for her chambers.

  Meyer was up like a shot and out the door of the courtroom. DeLise watched her go, openmouthed. He caught Holloway looking at him and glared.

  “Looks like you’re not your lawyer’s main concern anymore, Joe,” Holloway said. “I’d be worried if I were you.”

  DeLise crossed his arms, stared forward, and ignored Holloway.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Zara Twenty-three’s entire flotilla of ZaraCorp lawyers, along with Brad Landon and Wheaton Aubrey VII, was waiting for Judge Soltan when she emerged from her chambers.

  “Well, I can’t say this is a total surprise,” Soltan said, as she took her seat.

  Meyer approached the bench without asking and placed a folder in front of Soltan. “A request for the suspension of this preliminary hearing,” she said. She dropped a second folder on the desk. “Request for change of venue for the preliminary hearing.” A third folder. “Request for suspension and review of your previous determination for more study concerning the so-called ‘fuzzys.’” A fourth folder. “A request to have you removed for legal malfeasance.”

  Soltan looked at the folders and then up at Meyer. “Someone’s had a productive half hour,” she said.

  “Your Honor, it’s become abundantly clear that your legal standards are dangerously and prejudicially lax,” Meyer began.

  “You’re too late, Ms. Meyer,” Soltan said, interrupting her.

  “Excuse me, Your Honor?” Meyer said.

  “I said, you’re too late,” Soltan said. “Because I am not actually stupid, Counselor, while you were off drafting this raft of legal chaff, I was in my chamber amending my determination for more study of the fuzzys. It’s been amended to require ZaraCorp to file a Suspected Sapience Report, and not just in two weeks, Ms. Meyer, but immediately. You can pick one of your people here to write it up while we’re listening to testimony, and file it with one of my clerks by the close of business today. So this”—Soltan lifted up the third folder—“is now outdated and irrelevant.

  “As for the rest of these,” Soltan said, motioning to the rest of the folders, “your request for the suspension of the preliminary hearing is denied, your request for change of venue is denied, and as for your request to have me removed, by all means file it with my clerk, who will send it along with every other request at end of the business day. Which means until then we continue on as planned.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t do that,” Meyer said.

  “I beg your pardon, Ms. Meyer,” Soltan said.

  “I cannot in good conscience as a lawyer continue with these proceedings,” Meyer said. “I feel it’s impossible for my client to get a fair hearing from you.”

  “And which client would that be, Ms. Meyer?” Soltan asked. “Mr. DeLise over here, or ZaraCorp?”

  “Either,” Meyer said. “Both. I refuse to continue with this preliminary hearing, and I will not direct my sta
ff to file the SSR. I believe you are not competent to continue with the first, or to require the second.”

  “I admire your willingness to throw a wrench into the wheels of jurisprudence on behalf of your employer, Ms. Meyer, but I’ve given you my decisions,” Soltan said.

  “You have given them,” Meyer said. “I suppose now you’ll have to enforce them.”

  “A pretty sentiment, Ms. Meyer,” Soltan said. “Unfortunately for you, this isn’t the United States Supreme Court or the 1830s, and you are definitely not Andrew Jackson. And as for enforcing my orders, I ask you to note the security cameras on the wall above my head.”

  “What about them?” Meyer said.

  “Those security cameras don’t just feed into the security office here on planet,” Soltan said. “They also have a secure, encrypted wireless feed that goes directly to the Colonial Authority communication satellite and then into the databanks of the nearest Colonial Authority Circuit Court, in this case the Seventh CACC. The feed is mostly there to watch the judges, because judges on Explore and Exploit–chartered planets are historically prone to corruption and bribery. It’s a nice reminder to us to stay poor, impartial, and on our toes.

  “However, they also have another purpose,” Soltan continued. “If and when a judge feels that an E and E corporation is trying to bigfoot its way around the courtroom, or if, say, a local general counsel gets it into her head to illegally override the orders of the court, or something even worse occurs, the judge can press a button, and the feed is ported, live, to the chambers of one of the sitting circuit court judges. It’s just our little way of making sure that corporate executives on backwater worlds remember they are not actually above the law. I pressed that little button just before I came back into this courtroom.

  “So, Ms. Meyer, you have a choice. You can continue with this preliminary hearing on behalf of your client Mr. DeLise, or I can have the Circuit Court order down some Colonial Marshals to haul you away for contempt of court and obstructing a judicial proceeding. You’ll very likely be disbarred, serve jail time, and as you are an officer of the Zarathustra Corporation, a very heavy fine will be levied against the company.

  “Likewise, if an SSR filing is not handed over to my clerk by the end of the business day, the Seventh Circuit will order the impounding of Zarathustra Corporation assets equivalent to the last ten years of gross revenues from this planet. As you are making this little power play of yours in front of the future Chairman and CEO of the company, who could stop you if he chose, there’s little doubt you are carrying out a company order, so ZaraCorp will be on the hook for all sorts of penalties, up to and including jail time for you, for Mr. Aubrey over there, and for every single ZaraCorp lawyer in this chamber with the exception of Mr. Sullivan, who, as his good fortune would have it, no longer works for your department.

  “So, Ms. Meyer. Smile for the camera, and tell me what it will be.”

  “She is excellent,” Holloway whispered to Papa Fuzzy. Papa Fuzzy watched everything with curiosity. It might not understand the details, but Holloway suspected it got the emotional gist of what was going on.

  “I’ll comply for now,” Meyer said, tightly, after a moment. “Your clerk will still be getting my request for your removal.”

  “At this point I’d be disappointed otherwise,” Soltan said. “In the meantime, Ms. Meyer, back off my podium and get back to work.”

  Meyer backed off, glancing at the cameras while she did so.

  “Now that today’s insurrection has been quashed,” Soltan said, briskly, “I believe we have a witness to hear from. Mr. Holloway?”

  * * *

  “Your name, please,” Soltan asked Papa Fuzzy.

  “You know my name,” Papa said. He was at the witness stand, standing rather than sitting.

  “Please say it again,” Soltan said.

  “I am” pause “who Jack Holloway and other men call Papa,” Papa said.

  “Your witness,” Soltan said, to Holloway.

  “Papa, you know the day Baby and Pinto were killed,” Holloway said.

  “Yes,” Papa said.

  “Who?” Soltan said.

  “The two fuzzys who were killed,” Holloway said. “I called them Baby and Pinto. Baby was the one that was stomped. Pinto was the one who was shot.”

  “Continue,” Soltan said.

  “Who were Baby and Pinto to you,” Holloway said.

  “The one you call Baby was my child,” Papa said. “The one you call Pinto was to be the mate of my child in time.”

  “Tell us what happened that day,” Holloway said.

  “Your Honor, we have already seen what happened on video a number of times,” Meyer said. “We can stipulate the events we’ve already seen.”

  “Your Honor, there’s not much point in witness testimony if the witness isn’t allowed to describe the events,” Holloway said.

  “Agreed,” Soltan said. “But let’s not dwell on details, Mr. Holloway.”

  “Yes, Your Honor,” Holloway said. He looked back to Papa. “Tell us what happened that day,” he said.

  “You were gone,” Papa said. “When you are gone, we leave your home and go to our people to talk and be with them. Baby heard the noise of a skimmer going to your home. Baby went to see. Baby wanted to see Carl. Pinto went with Baby. I was near but I was in the tree, eating. I did not go with them.

  “I heard Pinto call to me to say that the man was not you, but some other man. Then I heard my child cry and then stop. Then I heard Pinto yell. Then the man yelled. Then Pinto called for help.

  “I came from the trees and heard a very big noise. Then I came to the tree by your house and saw the man step on my child. I saw the man kill my child. I saw the man hold my child and put my child in your house. Your house was on fire. And then I heard the man speak.”

  “Tell us what the man said,” Holloway said.

  “I did not know some of the words,” Papa said.

  “Try,” Holloway said.

  “The man said ‘jesiscris migodam face,’” Papa said.

  “He said ‘Jesus Christ, my goddamn face,’” Holloway said.”

  “Yes,” Papa said. “Those are the words the man said. The man was very loud.”

  “Did you see his face?” Holloway said.

  “I did not see the face of the man,” Papa said. “I did not need to see a face. I knew the voice.”

  “How did you know his voice?” Holloway asked.

  “The man had come to your house before,” Papa said.

  “When had he come to my house before?” Holloway asked.

  “The man came with three other men,” Papa said. “You let the three other men go to your house. You did not let this man go to your house. You did not let the man get out of the skimmer.”

  “How do you know it was the same voice?” Holloway asked.

  “The man was very loud in the skimmer,” Papa said. “Pinto went to look at the man and the man did not like that. I was in the tree and I heard the man yell.”

  “Did you see the man’s face that time?” Holloway asked.

  “Yes,” Papa said, and pointed at DeLise. “This is the man.”

  Holloway glanced over at Meyer and then at Aubrey and Landon, who sat in the audience seats with their flotilla of lawyers. He smiled at each of them and picked up his infopanel.

  “This is the day Papa is referring to,” Holloway said, and loaded up the video of DeLise pitching a fit in the skimmer while Pinto rubbed his bottom against the glass. “Unfortunately there’s no sound with the video, but I think it’s pretty obvious that Mr. DeLise is being quite vocal.”

  “Mr. Holloway, you didn’t mention that Mr. DeLise had been to your home before,” Soltan said.

  “It must have slipped my mind,” Holloway said. “Probably because he didn’t actually get into my house, he was stuck out in the skimmer. As you can see.”

  “Why was he there in the first place?” Soltan asked.

  “Because he was allegedl
y Wheaton Aubrey’s security detail,” Holloway said.

  “And what was Mr. Aubrey doing at your place?” Soltan asked.

  “I’m not sure it’s entirely relevant to the matter at hand,” Holloway said.

  “Let me be the judge of that,” Soltan said.

  “All right,” Holloway said, and then looked over at Aubrey and Landon. “They were there to bribe me into throwing the hearing to determine the fuzzy’s sapience. Offered me the entire northwest continent, they did.”

  “‘They,’” Soltan said.

  “Yes. Aubrey and his assistant, Brad Landon,” Holloway said. “Chad Bourne was there too, but I’m pretty sure he was just their cover for sneaking out to my place in the guise of one of Chad’s official contract rep meetings. You could ask him. I’m sure at this point he’d be happy to talk.”

  “This is all allegation, Your Honor,” Meyer said. “And for once, Mr. Holloway is right. This isn’t the right venue for this line of questioning.”

  “I agree,” Holloway said. “Although now that I think of it, it does offer an explanation for how DeLise got access to the skimmer. All that time alone in the skimmer would be a perfect time to duplicate the data off the key fob. That is, when DeLise wasn’t busy yelling at fuzzys.”

  “There’s no proof of that,” Meyer said.

  “Oh, he’s definitely yelling at the fuzzy,” Holloway said, intentionally misreading Meyer’s comment. “It’s the same fuzzy he shot later, in fact.”

  “That’s enough, Mr. Holloway,” Soltan said.

  “This is a complete farce, Your Honor,” Meyer said. “It’s bad enough you just allowed Holloway to slander Mr. Aubrey and Mr. Landon, but entertaining testimony from this creature is beyond ridiculous. The creature can’t make the visual connection between Mr. DeLise and the man in a ski mask. Instead we’re asked to believe instead that this thing can recognize a voice it’s allegedly heard only once, days after the initial encounter. This is a sham, Your Honor. Pure and simple.”

  “While I wouldn’t call this a ‘sham,’ Ms. Meyer has a point, Mr. Holloway,” Soltan said. “There’s a reason they’re called ‘eyewitnesses,’ not ‘earwitnesses.’”