“Look at me?” Shane asked. He glanced down at his shirt and back again. “What does that mean?”
Jack rubbed his hand against his chin. “I see what you’re saying.”
Diego nodded. “Pathetic.”
Matt sat back and shook his head, like he thought they were all ridiculous. At least Shane had one friend in the group, unless Matt was just doing that to irritate Lexi.
Probably.
Shane sighed. “Matt’s right. Nothing changes.”
“And you’re wrong,” Lexi said. “It’s already changed. Take off in a week. Be an ass then if you must, but why waste the time you have left?”
Because he’d already had a hole in his life he couldn’t fill. Because digging another one would be torture.
But so was good-bye. And goddamn, so was the weight of regrets.
He at least owed Caitlin an explanation. Things had gone too far between them to walk away without that much, even if he wasn’t sure how to convey his need to go, much less reconcile it with leaving. But he had to do that.
He had to let go. He’d waited his whole life for the chance.
Lexi was in the throes of staring him down when he waved over the waitress. “Can I get a chocolate milkshake and some fries to go?” he asked. His question earned an approving smile, so that was something. He just hoped Caitlin would see things the same way, because I care enough to tell you I don’t care enough to stay wasn’t his best line.
Not that it mattered. Staying had never been an option.
“Didn’t I see you come up on the bike?” Jack asked. “I know you think you have mad skills, but road grit in the food isn’t cool, man.”
“A milkshake with a lid,” Shane amended. “And a bag for the fries.”
The waitress left with his order.
“Milkshake with a lid?” Diego laughed. “You’ll crush the whipped cream.”
“Yeah,” Matt said, waggling his brow. “That stuff might come in handy.”
Lexi rolled her eyes. “I can’t imagine why you came here to begin with, knowing she’s at home alone, but if it doesn’t work out, you know we’ll be here for you.”
Yeah, he did.
For about a week.
Then he was on his own.
…
Caitlin was curled up on her sofa, air conditioning cranked up to comfort-clothing weather. Her leggings and chunky sweater hadn’t quite fixed things this time, but she burrowed into their familiarity anyway. Ice cream would have made a fantastic companion.
So would a certain lieutenant.
At least she had Netflix, even if she lacked the chill. She’d had to Google that one, and no wonder brick-and-mortar stores were going out of business. If she had a choice, no doubt what she’d have been doing right then.
And no matter how many batteries he’d bought her, the solo version didn’t count.
They should have had more time. In the space of a single department picnic invitation, he’d killed the notion of a one-night stand and had gone public with their relationship, however he quantified it. To have kissed her in front of the chief and the rest of the department only to literally walk out of her life didn’t seem fair. But neither did putting off the inevitable. She wasn’t sure which option would be harder, but he hadn’t given her a choice. That wasn’t easy to live with, either.
Somehow, she’d expected more.
A hard knock sounded at the door, and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She didn’t know anyone who’d come to her house except Shane or Lexi. Lexi had invited her to hang out, but on the chance Shane might be there, Caitlin had declined. She wasn’t ready to say good-bye in public, though she supposed she already had at the picnic. She just hadn’t realized it at the time.
And still, she had no clue what had happened. Under other circumstances she would have checked in later that evening without giving it a second thought, but she hadn’t, because she didn’t know how long they’d be on the call. By morning, she realized she wasn’t going to hear anything at all.
She’d yet to figure out why she cared.
She’d equally failed to stop caring.
She peeked outside, wondering if maybe a neighbor had stopped by. Caitlin had spent very little time at her house, and it didn’t look much different than when the truck had been unloaded. The bookstore took priority.
Yep, that was the plan. Lose herself in the store. Definitely not…
Shane.
Her breath lodged in her throat. Steadying herself didn’t work, so she gave up and opened the door.
He didn’t wait for an invitation. He just barged in, shoving a cup and a bag in her arms as he passed, all without saying a word. For the longest moment she could only gawk as he stood there, breathing hard, pacing the short length of her kitchen while she stood next to an open door, letting in every fly in the neighborhood, as her grandmother would have said.
She nudged the door until the latch snicked, then peered in the bag. Fries. The cup held a milkshake, still too thick to pour, so she scooped some up with her finger and licked it clean.
He watched, heat radiating.
The man was a sadist.
And sexy as hell.
He drove his fingers uselessly through his hair. Muscles flexed under his shirt, and the way his thighs shaped his jeans made her think way too hard about his thrusting skills.
Yeah, he needed to go. “We need—”
“I don’t know why this had to happen,” he interrupted, his voice anguished enough to tear at her heart. “Everything was settled. I had a plan. I had everything I wanted, damn it, and now all I can think about is you. What book you’re reading. What else you’re afraid of.” He stopped. Took a breath that made his chest quiver. “Who you’ll be with when I’m gone.”
Was he really thinking about her being with someone else? She wanted to let him, if that’s what he wanted to do, but was that what he really thought of her? If so, she’d give him a hell of a lot more than her silence on the matter.
“Shane—”
She didn’t get a chance to finish, because he’d stalked the distance between them, sparks flying from the heat in his eyes. She might have melted on the spot if he hadn’t pinned her against the wall, fire fueling the kiss that made her forget about the food and the six days they had left and the fact that he really, really sucked at good-byes. Because this wasn’t letting go. This was taking everything she had left and making a knot of it.
“We’re going to talk,” he said, the words as tender as his kisses were demanding. “But right now I need you. I need to know you’re real.”
She nodded, tears threatening, and she wasn’t sure why. His intensity caught her off guard. Made her admit, if only to herself, that this wasn’t something she’d invented in her head…that they had something—however inconvenient—that was worth fighting for.
At least for the night.
He scooped her into his arms. Glancing at her legs, he shook his head. “I don’t know where you shop,” he said, “but damned if I’ve ever been there.”
“Like you’d wander through the women’s leggings section of any store.” Yeah, they could just discuss her clothes. With everything else between them, that made sense.
He carried her down the hall, her heart out-thumping his every footfall. She braced herself for the playful impact of hitting the sheets, but instead of tossing her on the bed, he eased her to her feet then peeled back the covers while she set the food aside.
Shane didn’t seem the least bit concerned with it getting cold or melty. She wasn’t even sure he noticed it in the dim light, because he was too busy stripping her of the sweater, then his borrowed shirt she wore underneath.
“Damn, you’re beautiful.” He gently tugged her hair from its ponytail, and dropped to his knees to help her step out of her pants.
Which left her, once again, the only naked person in the room.
He pulled off his shirt while she worked on his jeans. He let her unbutton and unzip but stopped
her from taking him into her hands. “Not yet, sweetheart.” He shed the rest of his clothing then walked her to the bed. He managed to roll on a condom he got from who-knew-where and then crawled into bed with her. A touch of his fingers told him she was ready. Embarrassingly so, she thought, especially since ten minutes ago she’d been alone, thinking she’d never see him again.
Now, he was destroying her.
He threaded his fingers through her hair and captured her gaze as he entered her, the moment so terrifyingly intimate that she couldn’t breathe. She’d never felt so close to someone. She’d never been so afraid.
Her eyes fluttered closed, but he whispered her name, Caitlin, and brought her back to him. He was so thick, filled her so completely, that she thought she might burst and die from the pleasure, but this time the intimacy wasn’t between the sheets.
It was the eye contact.
Over and over, he found the deepest part of her. It went beyond physical, beyond laced fingers and a cocoon of sheets to something she’d never experienced. Never dreamed.
She wouldn’t have called the wild, wall-shattering sex they’d shared the first time fucking, and she wasn’t sure she’d downgrade this to just sex. It was different.
It was a connection she didn’t know how to break.
But she’d learn.
She’d have to.
Chapter Seventeen
Caitlin woke before the sun, the emptiness hitting her before the realization that Shane was gone. Had he slept at all, or had he bailed when she’d drifted off? The cool sheets offered no answers. Just the sharpening edge of heartbreak and a growing realization that the melted milkshake, cold fries, and abandoned shirt were all he’d left her of this thing they had. Or didn’t have, it seemed.
She’d known it was coming, so why did it hurt so much?
Because you’re falling in love with him, you idiot.
She’d put up a hell of a fight, using logic and reason once the orgasms clouded her view, but it hadn’t mattered. He’d pushed past all of it, finding a place in her heart that had never belonged to anyone else, and with her luck, probably never would.
And on the heels of that, he’d run. He might be running toward something, but she didn’t buy for a moment that there wasn’t a part of him running from her.
Damned if she’d make it easy.
His new job meant something to him. She got that. But what they had meant something, too. Something that deserved a chance. She’d never ask him to stay, but that didn’t mean she wanted to let him go. A long distance relationship sounded like the worst idea in the world—especially when she wanted nothing more than to spend every night in his arms—but people had sacrificed far more than living a couple of hours apart. They could do weekends. They could try.
They had better options than a middle-of-the-night disappearance. He owed her more.
She owed herself more than letting him get away with that.
That determination carried her to the firehouse, the bridge barely registering as it glided past her Uber window. If only Shane could be so easy to forget.
She hesitated at the front door of the station. Should she knock, or was this a public building kind of thing where she should just walk in? She opted for a closer examination of the doorway, hoping to find a buzzer, but before one materialized, the door opened.
Not Shane.
It was Jack, and he didn’t hide his surprise. “Come on in, Caitlin. I’ll let him know you’re here.”
She followed him past a small office to an open living area, where she took in a massive flat-screen television. Across from it sat the tattered remains of a sofa that looked like it had come from a frat house. Leather recliners dominated the rest of the room, which was otherwise clean and sparsely decorated. A PA system let off a few random tones, but nothing that seemed to spur anyone there into action.
She didn’t have to wait long before Shane appeared. “Hey,” he said. “What’s up?”
Well, that was…the exact opposite of deeply personal. He wanted to put distance between them—that much was clear. But he didn’t get to spend those hours looking at her like that, touching her, and just walk away.
“You left without saying good-bye,” she told him.
His stare was blank, bordering on cold. She didn’t buy it for a moment, but he wanted her to, and that sucked. “Leaving was good-bye,” he said.
“That’s not you,” she said. “You don’t run from things.” Never mind that she’d already decided he was doing that very thing. She wasn’t going to let him push her away that easily.
His dark eyes rested heavily on her. “No, I run toward them. You knew that going in.”
Going in. Like this was some experience she could have anticipated. Something she’d signed up for. She stifled a humorless laugh. “I might be learning,” she said. “To do that, I mean.” Standing here, she realized she’d have to. This wasn’t the man who’d made love to her all night. This was the morning-after version who wanted to shrug off a good time and move on.
“Explain,” he said.
His wariness gave her second thoughts, but then the memories took over, her lip throbbing where he’d bitten it, her body aching when he’d let her go. And she knew, no matter how vulnerable it left her, she had to say what she felt. “I’m…falling in love with you.”
He stared, his expression blank. She’d love to get behind that, to know what he might be thinking, but he didn’t give her an inch, so she pushed ahead.
“I’ve— I’ve never been more afraid of anything in my life.” She stammered at first, but then the words came fast, like she had to get them out there or they’d stay stuck, forever. “I know it’s soon,” she added, “but there’s something between us. I don’t think we should give it up. The last thing I wanted was a long distance relationship…at least until it came to a choice between that and losing you, and I’m not ready to do that yet.”
He just stood there for the longest time, a war waging in his eyes. One that she was suddenly terrified she’d find herself on the losing side of.
“Caitlin, I can’t.”
She blinked.
“You of all people should understand,” he said. “You wanted something—you wanted that bookstore—and you went for it. You left people behind. Your parents. Your sister. You had a dream and followed it. I have no idea why it had to be here, but I can’t let that stop me.”
She couldn’t argue his point, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. The words stung, but with any luck she’d be miles from him before she broke down. “Okay,” she finally said. “I should go.”
He stepped back so he no longer stood between her and the exit. He seemed to hesitate, and the muscle working in his jaw further convinced her he had something he wanted to say. But he won the battle against saying it, at least until she stepped back out into the sunshine.
“This was supposed to be fun,” he called after her. “No matter how hard, or how fast, it was never meant to be anything more.”
The words, though she acknowledged their truth, felt like the worst lie. What this thing between them was meant to be meant nothing. Not next to what it had become.
Nothing on earth could have hidden her hurt, but she threw him a smile with absolutely no truth behind it and said, “Then rest easy, Lieutenant. Because you got your wish.”
Chapter Eighteen
There were moments Shane would give anything to erase. Watching Caitlin turn on her heel and leave topped the list.
This conversation with Matt came in at a close second.
“You’re fucked,” Matt told him.
“That’s incredibly helpful,” Shane said. “And also old news.” His gaze blindly traversed the printouts stuck all over his office walls. He shared the space with the lead guy on each shift, so it wasn’t exactly personal, but he’d still miss it. And he’d yet to figure why he hadn’t kicked Matt the hell out.
“It’s not like you to get torn up over a woman,” Matt said. “Level wit
h me. What’s going on?”
Shane sighed heavily. There was no way Matt would relent, but more than that, if Shane filled him in, maybe some of it would get back to Caitlin. Maybe Lexi would make sense of it for her. Maybe she’d hurt a little less. But he couldn’t let Matt think he wanted him to run his mouth, so he threw out a warning he fully expected to go unheeded. All to take the coward’s way out.
“Anything I say stays here,” Shane said. “Never to be repeated. Even the vaguest reference means I go straight to Lexi with the reason she had a house full of praying mantises.”
Matt snickered. “Deal.”
That Matt could find humor in having opened a jar of baby mantises in her house—or rather, that she might learn he’d helped along the situation—made Shane think he should talk to Diego instead. That man had been through hell with his divorce, so he of all people would get it, but he was also the last one who needed to hear it. He’d lost the woman he loved; Shane was walking away from his.
And fuck wherever that thought was headed. He picked at a chip on the desk rather than meet Matt’s eyes. “I have never felt this way about a woman. Not even close. She’s the most contrary person I’ve ever met. She has to argue or question everything I say. She’s…”
“Damn near perfect for you?” Matt supplied.
Shane ignored him. “And physically…” What could he even say? “We connect. It’s intense.”
“Still waiting to hear the problem,” Matt said, sounding bored.
A beep sounded throughout the building. Shane listened to dispatch until he was sure it was another station’s call, then continued. “I’ve wanted this transfer for as long as I can remember. I’ve wanted her for a couple of weeks.”
Matt shrugged, kicking back in a creaky pea-soup-green chair that had an inventory sticker from the nineteen-seventies stuck to the bottom. “We don’t get to pick the moments that change our lives.”
The words dug a little deeper than Shane would readily admit, not just in terms of Caitlin, but for his dad. He responded by shoving Matt’s feet off his desk.
Her Sexy Challenge (Firefighters of Station 1) Page 16
