by Kahlen Aymes
Kill me, I thought.
I’d royally screwed up my chances to have Jax help me publish and worse, I’d screwed up something amazing on a personal level. I wanted to kick myself. All weekend I worried about if and how I’d be able to dig myself out of this hole. I only hoped he’d listen. I had to talk to him, even if I was scared to death of his reaction.
Jax’s voice was stoic, with less personality injected; his usual charisma was missing.
“A book map can mean something different for different authors. For some they are detailed outlines to include the style of titles and headers, chapter names and contents, character names and characteristics, what the characters look like, the settings etc. Mine is less formal. I have a list of general questions I go through and ask myself after I have the main premise figured out. I fill them in which helps me build the story and keep track of important or recurring facts. I refer to it if I can’t remember a name or eye color. That sort of thing.”
Was he affected or just angry? Would he shove my purse at me and then slam the door in my face, or would he listen? I could barely sit still and couldn’t wait for the hour to end. However, the minutes and seconds dragged at a snail’s pace.
I’d realized the enormity of my mistake within hours of leaving his side. He had been so easy to be with; not just physically amazing, but easy to talk to. I could be myself, and in those few hours he’d gone from untouchable idol to a real, flesh and blood man. I found I wanted more time with him; even more than I wanted his help with my book. I had my entire life to write, and maybe publish a book, but my heart told me I had only one chance with this incredible man.
I didn’t know what was in store if he didn’t understand why I left. I might suffer unspeakably when he walked away from me, but I knew I had to take the chance. Jaxon Michaels was one in a million; once in a lifetime. I was afraid to admit that he already had my heart because if I did, I’d be no different than the many others who swooned at his feet. I shook my head and willed myself to listen to the lecture; I was driving myself crazy with these thoughts.
Finally, he was giving the assignment. “I want five thousand words. Your premise is two strangers with an undeniable attraction who can’t keep their hands off each other, no matter how they try. Where and how do they give in? Is it just physical or more emotional? Make it as dirty or sweet as you want but make it your own. This is an advanced class, so I don’t want to see general writing issues like sentence structure or Oxford comma problems, so have your shit together. If you need to refer to a basic writing book in order to get it right, then do it. This is about plot, and plot alone, but don’t get so caught up in the story that your writing is crap. Got it?” His voice was hard but became husky on the last sentence.
“Got it.” The class answered, many voices in unison.
I stopped cold as I listened; closing my eyes, my breath left my body. The skin on my face turned to fire and I scrubbed at my cheek with a fisted hand. “Due one week from today.”
He was asking hundreds of students to write our real-life scenario. He was asking me to write it. I felt my heart fall to my stomach. Michelle, to her credit, kept quiet as she packed up her computer and notes into her backpack. I could feel her glance as I sat there. She had to know what I was thinking.
Students were already rushing from the auditorium when I finally started to gather up my things.
“Wow. That was harsh,” Michelle said, finally.
Again, my breath left my lungs as I admitted my own defeat. “Yeah. He got me good.”
“Again,” Michelle grinned, trying to joke. She shoved my shoulder.
“Haha,” I lamented. “This isn’t funny, Michelle. He’s mad.” I closed my laptop and looked up at the stage. He was standing there, looking at me, his eyes burning into me. So much for hoping he wouldn’t see us sneak in late. “Oh, God,” I said. “He just saw me.”
“If you think he didn’t see you before, you’re crazy. He knew where we were sitting, Addy.” My friend scooted to the edge of her seat as she waited for me to finish stashing things in my book-bag. “Go apologize and take your lumps. If it was as amazing as you say it was, I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”
“He’s not some average man who goes comatose after an orgasm, Michelle.” I stood and slung the bag over my shoulder. “He could have anyone.”
I knew I looked like crap. I barely slept all weekend and so once I finally fell asleep the night before, I slept hard and hadn’t heard the alarm on my phone.
“Well, look at it this way; at least you got to be with him once. No matter what happens.”
I looked again and Jax was gone, leaving his T.A., Luke to gather his things.
I had the next period free. It wasn’t Jaxon’s office hours, but I’d planned to stop by his office and talk to him. After the way he’d looked at me, I felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter. My instincts told me to run again, and just keep to myself and get through the class, but my heart demanded I face him.
I squinted in the sun. It was getting colder outside, but the sky was clear. I shivered despite my wool coat. I reached into the front pocket of my bag and pulled out my sunglasses, shoving them unceremoniously onto my face.
“Listen, I have Danson’s class. I gotta go. See you, later?” Michelle asked. “You can tell me what happens.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
She put her hand on my arm. “It’s gonna be okay, Addy.”
“One way or the other,” I said, without optimism.
“Just hold your head high and be honest. I bet he’ll understand.”
She was right. There was nothing I could do beyond offering an explanation as to why I ran away, though I worried that in doing so I’d expose too much. I didn’t want to come across as some airhead who couldn’t handle herself, and the last thing a sophisticated and experienced man wanted to hear was that I’d freaked out after amazing sex. I sucked in a deep breath. “Thanks,” I said, as she left me. I turned toward Philosophy Hall, where the comparative literature faculty offices were located. It was only one block in two directions and the walk would be short. There was a brisk wind blowing in my face, my hair whipping madly around, as I made my way North, and then West. My feet felt like lead, but I tried to hurry. I didn’t want to miss him because all that would get me was more sleepless nights and hours or days of worry. “Ugh,’ I moaned as I walked up the few stairs to the entrance of the building. Could anything feel worse?
I pushed through the doors and into the hallway, trying to use my fingers to comb through my hair. Many of the faculty offices were on the upper floors, but Jaxon’s was on the first level, not far from the administrative offices. The familiar smell of the old building hit me as I got my bearings. The last time I was in his office, it was exciting and titillating; I’d felt hopeful. Not like now. I just prayed he’d be alone.
I was about to knock when the door opened suddenly and the younger man I recognized as Jaxon’s T.A. came through it in a rush. He bumped into me, causing me to stumble backward and the stack of test booklets he was holding to scatter out on the old granite floor.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” I exclaimed.
He was cute with a mop of longish blond hair falling over his brow as we both bent to pick up the booklets. “I should have been looking where I was going.” He glanced up and offered a brilliant smile. He didn’t seem upset that he was now on his haunches gathering up the pile of books.
“It’s completely my fault. Your Luke, right?”
“Yes. Are you here to see Dr. Michaels?” he asked, picking up the last few.
“Yes. Is he in?”
“He is, but he’s crabby today.” He smiled again as I piled the test booklets I’d gathered up on top of his and we both stood. “What’s your name?” Luke asked.
“Oh! Sorry. Addy Tomms.”
His eyebrows shot up and he nodded knowingly. “Oh, you’re Addison Tomms. Professor has mentioned how talented you are. I guess you’re the star pupil this semester
!”
My back stiffened. Star pupil this semester? “Really? Awesome.” My voice lost some of its enthusiasm.
“Luke! Shut the damn door all the way! Don’t leave it hanging open, for Christ’s sake.” Jax’s voice thundered from inside and vibrated off of the hallway walls.
“I told you; crabby,” He said in a half-whisper. He wore a wry expression, using his thumb to point toward the office. “Are you sure you want to go in there?”
“I’ll take my chances,” I said with a nod.
“Listen, if you ever need help with an assignment; anything… just give me a call. My number is right here.” He juggled the pile of tests in his arms but managed to point toward the bulletin board on the wall to the left of Jaxon’s office door. “Anything, really.” He smiled again and I couldn’t help smiling back. It was nice to have someone make you feel attractive when you looked like crap, and you were about to go beg forgiveness from a pissed-off lover.
“Okay, thanks. Bye, Luke.” I held up a hand as he backed up a few feet, finally turning to walk down the hall.
This was it. I took a deep breath to center myself and tapped gently on the glass. “Luke, if that’s you, we can talk about the schedule next week.”
I opened the door slowly and just enough to pop my head around the edge of it. “No, it’s me.”
He was standing up behind the desk rummaging around in the drawers looking for something, but his head snapped up when he heard my softly spoken words. His tie had been removed and lay in a pool of colorful silk on his desk, and the top two buttons of his dark purple shirt had been undone; his hair was ruffled like he’d just ran his hand through it. His expression changed as it dawned on him that I was actually standing in front of him, and he put both hands on his hips and paused.
“I didn’t think you’d have the guts to come over here,” he accused, his brow falling into a frown. “Not after you bolted away like a scared rabbit.”
I hovered in the half-open door. My heart started beating faster just being across the room from him.
“Are you coming in or not?” he scowled. “Get in here!”
I nodded and opened the door enough to walk through and then closed it quietly behind me.
He turned and opened his briefcase, then tossed my purse on his desk. “Is this what you’re here for? There it is.”
I wasn’t sure how to classify the emotion that flitted across his features before it was quickly hidden behind a stone-cold mask. He was hurt, and that hurt me.
“Not really,” I said solemnly, walking a few feet closer.
He paused again, looking perplexed. “Then what?”
I wanted to touch him. My fingers tingled, my body quickened, my heart raced. I longed to be close to him.
“I came to apologize,” I said simply. “I shouldn’t have left like I did.”
“Really,” Jax stated, unbelieving. “Why? If you’re worried about my helping with your book, I still will.” He scrubbed a hand over his stubble-ridden jaw.
My fingers traced the edge of his desk. I found it hard to look into his face because he was so pained. My own forehead furrowed, and my throat began to ache. I forced myself to meet his dark blue eyes. My eyes began to burn. “I’m not here for that. I don’t care if you help me or not. This isn’t about my book.”
He turned away and walked to the window. I sensed this was a habit because he’d done it the first time I was inside this office. “Isn’t it?” he asked quietly.
His head half-turned, and I was presented with his perfect profile. He was so beautiful, even when he was rumpled and somber.
My eyes drank him in, remembering the way his hands felt on my body, his mouth on mine, the feel of him inside me and above me. And, oh God, the way I’d fisted his hair and pulled his mouth harder into mine. The way our mouths and bodies moved together. I closed my eyes as a single tear rolled down my face and I quickly brushed it away.
“I can’t make you believe me, Jax. But, I’m truly sorry. I thought you’d know why I left.”
“Yes. You told me, but...” he said solemnly. “… how will you know how things will be if you don’t give me a chance?” he said, staring out the window and onto the campus. The trees near the window moved by the blustering wind.
I swallowed hard and my face crumpled, pressing a hand to my forehead as I bowed my head. He was right, but something inside knew that he’d break me in two if we kept seeing each other. One day, he’d move on, and I’d bleed.
“I don’t know how much more open I could have been. I gave you the choice. It didn’t have to happen, and wouldn’t have if you would have said no. You said it was what you wanted it, too.”
“I know,” I answered, my voice cracking. “I did want you. So much.”
He didn’t move, and he didn’t turn to look at me. “It was incredible, so I’m at a loss to understand, Addison. I thought we’d gotten past the fear.”
I believed he didn’t really think someone so inexperienced as me could handle a casual affair, no matter how mind-blowing. My constitution was a match for him. Didn’t he know that someone so different from him, so in awe of him, so under his spell would fall head over heels in love at the slightest touch? And he’d done so much more than touch me; he’d possessed me, body and soul.
“I’m afraid of just being one in a long line of your affairs,” I admitted.
He pivoted to face me. “I told you; I’ve never done this before. I don’t plan on doing so again. I didn’t plan on… you.” His voice was steady and deep, and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants.
What Luke said dug at me, and I wanted to ask. “I saw Stacia on the stage,” I said instead. I was hedging and he saw right through me.
He huffed angrily. “What are we doing, Addison?” He turned then. “This isn’t a fucking game. If you’re insinuating that I could screw that girl all day and night, I’d agree. She makes it obvious that’s what she wants.”
My eyes widened and I gasped as if he’d struck me. I couldn’t have been more taken aback. He took in my reddened eyes and flushed face and his expression softened.
“The problem is she leaves me cold. I don’t want her.” He seemed resigned with how things were and didn’t move toward me. I wanted to break down and cry. “However, I don’t want you like this, either. I want a woman who comes into my arms willingly and not a scared little girl who runs the minute things get intense. I would have protected you the best way I could, but it’s obvious you don’t trust me.”
“Some things you can’t protect me from. No matter how hard you try, Jax.”
His head moved slightly and sighed. “I know.”
He turned away again, to stare back out the window again. He didn’t see the tears that had begun to stream down my face. I was sure my heart was broken, the pain in my chest threatened to suffocate me.
“So, then…” I stammered, not wanting it to end, but too inexperienced to voice what I wanted.
“So, I’ll be your professor, and you’ll be my student. I’ll look over your manuscript and submit it to Gloria. Then, it’s up to you.”
I didn’t know what I expected when I came here. I expected to grovel, yes, maybe even wild sex on his desk, but I didn’t expect to be dismissed. I bit my lip hard to keep the sob welling up inside my chest from breaking free, then straightened my shoulders. He wanted a woman, then I’d be one.
“Don’t forget your purse this time.”
I blinked back the tears stinging the back of my eyes as I picked up my purse and with trembling hands put it in the book-bag I’d set on one of the chairs opposite the desk and zipped it up.
I couldn’t bear to leave things like this broken between us. We’d only just met… only been together once, so why did I feel so miserable?
I took the four steps needed to stand directly behind him in the small office. Closing my eyes, I mustered the courage to slide my arms around his waist and flattened my hands against his chest and abdomen, pressing my forehead to
his back; I felt my heart begin to ache inside me. He tensed at my touch but made no move to remove my arms from around his body. I turned my face until my cheek was against his back, my arms tightening as I pressed into the solid muscles. “Please forgive me, Jax. I’m sorry,” I said quietly, breathing in his scent for the last time, committing it to memory along with the feel of his warm body close to mine. “I don’t want you to help with my book.” This was it. Time to put on my big girl panties if I wanted Jax to take them off. “I only want more time with you. No matter what that is.”
The silence was like a boom and my hard-won courage started to crumble. I could feel his chest rise and fall beneath my hands; feel his heart beating and mine shattering, yet still, he said nothing. I had no choice but to release him, gather my bag and holding back the tears the best I could; I rushed out of his office without looking back.
11
“Son of a bitch!” I shouted as I missed my brother’s last shot. I’d pushed myself to my physical limit and I bent over, trying to even out my ragged breathing.
He’d agreed to meet me at Dodge Fitness Center on the Columbia campus for a game of racquetball in the early evening. I was in desperate need of distraction and to burn off my sexual frustration and nervous energy.
I thought that if I worked out until I was physically exhausted, and wrote until I couldn’t see straight, I’d be able to sleep. The problem was, I’d been in a funk for the few days since Addison had come to my office and asked for forgiveness. It took everything in me not to turn in her arms, lift her up onto my desk, and prove to her that this thing between us was bigger than both of us. I was still reeling, and I wasn’t even sure if what caused her to run was fear of me, the man, or me, her instructor. I tried to look at it from her perspective. She was ten years younger and being seduced by her professor and one who was somewhat famous. I balked whenever I put it in those terms. I was a grown man, and I should be able to control my baser urges. It was that, and only that, which prevented me from taking advantage of her in her weak moment. I was trying to respect the instincts that told her to stay away from me, even when she was ready to cave, but I was paying the price.
