Memory of the Color Yellow

by Suzanne Jenkins

  “Maybe so,” she said. “But he’s probably been inoculated by now so at least it would be safe.”

  “I wonder,” Quigley replied, pensive. “We really don’t have it that bad. We don’t have to work unless we want to. All our needs are met within the limits of propriety. We can just hang out all day and drink wine if we want.”

  “You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself,” Penelope added. “I wonder what the point of it is.”

  “You mean why it’s allowed? Instead of what?”

  “Why not let us die?” she whispered. “I was so sick, I’d have preferred death, I’m sure my father thought I was going to die. I wonder why the better choice is warehousing us.”

  “Don’t ask,” he said. “Although I’d heard old man Barker say right before he died, that it’s a test.”

  “A test? Like a spiritual test?”

  “Not a spiritual test. He couldn’t elaborate because the doctor shut him up fast. Did you ever think how quickly this whole thing was put together?”

  “What? The zone?”

  “Yes. I lived with my partner and his two children. After I lost my eyesight, I was allowed to live there. Concerns about contagions didn’t come up until later. Then the separation from my loved ones and the move to this place.”

  “How’d you lose your eyesight?” Penelope asked.

  “How?”

  “I mean what were the circumstances. Like, I caught the sickness from my mother. Who gave you the virus?”

  “No one: I never got sick,” he replied. “I got in trouble, is what I did. And I was sentenced to jail in Detroit and about a month later I went blind. End of story. You know Detroit, right?”

  “No, but I think it’s the city, correct?”

  “Right. The city. But before Razor became our God, Detroit was a real, gritty, you can get anything you want kind of city. It had already hit rock bottom years before the rebellion began, so when the revolution took place after the rebellion, Detroit was the best city left in the country. It became the political center because all the other big cities were destroyed. It would take too long to rebuild infrastructures and Detroit was intact.”

  “What’d you do to get in trouble?”

  “The state passed a law stating two men could no longer live together as partners. If you were just friends well that was okay, but if you were known lovers, no. We saw it coming. Chipping away at our human rights little by little, we even had to be careful what public bathrooms we used. It was just a matter of time.”

  “I’m confused,” Penelope said. “How would they even know you were lovers? Is it allowed now?”

  “It is allowed here? Inside? No, it’s not allowed, just like marriage isn’t allowed between a man and woman. People can sleep together as long as they don’t get caught. You never know who’s watching us here. But it would be difficult to hide. There’s just a vibe between lovers. And gossip. Lots of hidden things are exposed by gossip.”

  “What about outside?”

  “You mean is open homosexuality allowed outside? I doubt it very much. You could ask Jim.”

  “My father would never tell me. He’s as closed off as a vault about that sort of thing. Men, he’ll bring me. Facts, forget it.”

  “We don’t get news inside because no one free ever comes here anymore. The isolation is worse than the confinement as far as I’m concerned. The people from the city have no need to come here and never have. The folks in the Towns are just one step away from complete incarceration themselves and are scared to death of us. You wait and see. Oops, not see. But I’m serious, I bet we don’t get a visitor again, and I bet further that Jim won’t get inside, fresh food or not. Your boy may have ruined it for us once and for all.”

  Falling silent for a minute, the thought that no one would ever try to get over the fence again was discouraging, all hope for any excitement diminished.

  “So you were allowed to go back home to your partner, even though you’d been jailed for your relationship?” she asked trying to steer him back to his story.

  “Yes, but I always felt they were stalling, waiting to see what was going to happen to me. I had a procedure. I remember that much; they give you so much Versed you don’t remember anything afterward. It’s a drug that reduces anxiety but it also produces amnesia. To this day I don’t remember anything about the procedure, just that they said I needed an invasive test that required anesthesia. It supposedly had something to do with my tear ducts. Rather than keep me in jail while I went blind, they’d let me go home for a few more months.”

  “What are you saying?” Penelope’s hand crept out to grasp his.

  “You can figure it out. It was a way to control people. Remember, the difference is that I didn’t get sick. Ask around. Ask who got sick and went blind, and who got into trouble and went blind. I bet something was manipulated in their tear ducts.”

  Penelope sneered, shaking her head in disbelief. “What did I do as a small child for them to blind me? That’s insane.”

  “Maybe your father did something wrong and his wife was killed, his kid blinded while he went free.” Quigley said. “I can’t prove it, of course. And even if it was widely known, what would we to do? A bunch of blind people on the uprising? Ha! We wouldn’t get far.”

  They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the sounds around them in the village square, the atmosphere between them strained due to his outlandish comments, but not for long.

  “I guess I’d better get home and get some work done. My side of the apartment is a mess and Angelica is starting to complain.”

  “Come for dinner tonight,” Quigley suggested, wanting to make amends. “You’ll get out of Angelica’s hair and have a decent meal. You feel like you’ve lost weight. I promise I won’t talk politics.”

  “I don’t care about that. Talk away if you want. I’m love sick,” she said. “In love with a thirteen-year-old boy.”

  “You’re lucky you’re already blind. That’s statutory rape, my friend. Give that kid a wide berth.”

  “Like you said, he’s probably never coming back here again and we’ll both regret we didn’t do it the first time we had the chance.”

  “You’re insane!” Quigley shouted, laughing. “Better entertain one of those soccer players. I can just smell the testosterone when they’re around.”

  “They’re a little scary, actually. They travel in a pack, did you ever notice?”

  “Yes, that’s what makes them so appealing. Come baby, come baby!”

  Doubling over in laughter, the friends enjoyed a few minutes of uninhibited glee, their previous sobering conversation forgotten. “Oh well, I better get serious now. I have to get home. Thank you for the dinner invite. We’ll do it another time.”

  Quigley leaned over and kissed her cheek before she had a chance to escape. “Oh, my heart,” he said.

  “I’m the wrong sex for you,” she said. “But I love you, too.”

  Walking away, Penelope felt better about her disappointing morning after the visit with Quigley, who had the effect on her every time. Nothing was as bleak as it seemed. Some of the promise the unpleasant encounter with Steve stole from her day returned. Although Quigley’s confession befuddled her; the deeper meaning yet to be examined, it didn’t affect the lighthearted feeling Quigley left her with.

  The apartment she shared was close to the village center, a desirable location. As much as she loved Angelica, she was tired of living with her. She wanted to start a life with a man, have a family, do all the things she read about in books but wouldn’t be allowed to do. The sameness of life with no future excitement on the horizon was grating on her nerves, fantasizing about a teenager giving her hope.

  Steve wasn’t her first. She’d gotten into trouble before; a while ago a similar thing had happened when a curious kid from Asia Town found the protected zone with a group of friends who’d helped him get over the fence. Although he reassured her they were al
one, the others observed then together and the humiliation for her still stung when she thought of the experience.

  Fortunately, she found a way to protect herself from him after that; joining the walking group proved a godsend. She’d walk by the same location every night. The boys eventually got caught; Quigley put a bug in the ear of a security staff member. Their whereabouts afterward never revealed.

  For almost a year, it was quiet and boring, but she stuck with the walking group, an amusing array of people of all ages who walked for two hours every night, weather permitting.

  Then Steve came along. She had a laundry list of items she wanted from him, both tangible and intangible, but even with that ulterior motive, it was different this time because she really liked him. The problem was that he was just too young. At least the kid from Asia Town was closer to her age.

  Tapping her cane along the walkway to her door, Penelope paused while she was out in the open, sensing there were strangers waiting. The sound of shoe soles grinding the pavement, the smell of humanity revealing to her possible danger.

  “Who’s there?” she called out, her heart rate increasing.

  “Council Officers from Security,” a female voice replied. “You knew we’d be here, Penelope.”

  “No, actually I didn’t know. How many of you are there?”

  “Two of us, male and female.”

  “You must be new,” she replied, walking forward with her key in her hand. Always on alert, muggings and rape were not unheard of in Eremos. “I don’t recognize your voices. What do you want?”

  “Let’s get inside unless you want your neighbors to hear,” the male voice said.

  “What do I care? They live vicariously through my adventures,” she said. “Hand over your badges.”

  They did as she asked and she read the braille inscriptions. Satisfied, she handed them back. “Did you speak with my apartment mate?”

  “No,” the female said.

  Pausing again, there was something about the situation Penelope didn’t feel right about. Choosing to knock instead of using her key, she waited for Angelica to open the door.

  “We don’t have time for this,” the male said.

  “Take my key away from me and open it yourself, then,” Penelope replied, flippant.

  “He’s not going to do that,” the female said. “Your roommate doesn’t seem to be home.”

  “Well I’m not going inside with you. Let’s talk here or go next door,” she said. “Give my neighbors a real thrill.”

  “I have the right to force you to open your door,” the male said.

  “You want to rough me up? Go for it. I have some rights, you know.”

  “You have very few at this point,” the female said. “This morning when you lured that poor kid here, you lost your rights. The only reason you’re not in jail is because your father, Jim is.”

  “Ha! My father has done more time than Al Capone,” she said, giggling at the reference she’d heard others use. “I never lured anyone anywhere. I can account for every second of my day.”

  “Well, not quite. Let us in, Penelope. We aren’t going to hurt you or search your house. We just need to hear your side of things. You’re getting a bad rep in the Zone, you know that, don’t you?”

  “And what if I am? I’m not running for Council. And I’m not a confessionary.”

  “Confessionary? You’re behind the times, Penelope. They’re not used anymore.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t know because I rarely get into trouble unless someone hops over the fence.”

  The officers looked back at the apartment. “So you’re not letting us in. Okay then,” the female said. “You’re wasting our time. Tomorrow after work, come down to the station.”

  “I can do that,” she said.

  Without saying goodbye, they walked away. Penelope waited, listening carefully as their footsteps diminished. The opening and closing of doors, the start of an engine, the motor revving up and then dying off. She waited outside a while longer, wishing Angelica would return home.

  Knocking on the door again, she heard footsteps, breathing on the other side. “Angel, are you home?” Penelope called.

  “Yes! Thank God it’s you,” she said, the sound of chains and bolts being removed, the handle turning.

  “I’m glad you didn’t let them in,” Penelope said, walking through the doorway. “Hurry, close up just in case.”

  “I heard them drive off. It was the same engine that arrived. I was praying you’d stay away a while longer. What happened to you anyway?”

  “How much do you want to know? It’s better for you to be in the dark about my whereabouts.”

  “Was it that bad?” Angelica asked, horrified, grabbing her to hug.

  “Jim smuggled the boy inside the gate, but he got cold feet. He’s too young. He ran off and I’m not sure what happened. Those goons said my dad’s in jail again. I wonder if this will be the last straw for him.”

  Angelica took her by the hand. “Come on back. You have to eat something. I can tell by your breath you’re not eating.”

  “Oh, God, I’m sorry,” Penelope said, talking to the side. “I haven’t had anything in a while.”

  “When do you work again?” Angelica asked. “It’s key to stay on schedule there. You need to do your part.”

  “Now you sound like the authority.”

  “I know what’s best for you, that’s why we’re together. Working will give your self-worth a boost. It’s something to do instead of getting into trouble.”

  “I can go in after lunch,” Penelope said, dreading the thought. Work bored her to tears.

  “You’re not going to go walking tonight, are you? You always end up finding trouble.”

  “Ha! If I had a mother, I imagine she’d sound just like you.”

  “How’s this? Get up from the table and help me with lunch. I’m tired of doing it alone. Did that sound like something a mother would say?”

  “No actually, it sounded like something a wife would say who was tired of cooking her husband’s meals.”

  “I wish I had a husband to cook for,” Angelica said, wistful.

  “Yes, well that ain’t happening here, and you know it. The only companionship we’ll get is with someone on the other side of the fence.”

  “Whatever they’re giving the men to reduce their libido here they need to give to us women, as well.”

  “I’ll keep mine right where it is, if you don’t mind,” Penelope replied. “Don’t you find it odd that in spite of their efforts, rape is still a problem? Evidently, not all the men are treated. Probably the ones who really need it are feeding theirs to the fish.”

  “I think they have the rapists here on purpose, to keep us in line. Don’t you find it odd that rapists are never caught? All of us have DNA profiles on record. It should be as easy as pie.”

  “Unless they’re men who climb the fence,” Penelope said, fixated on the fence.

  “And the women go with them consensually?” Angelica asked.

  “And then lie about it afterward,” Penelope answered.

  “Ouch! You’re making me lose my concentration.”

  “Did you burn yourself? Quick, run cold water over it.”

  She led Angelica to the sink and turned the faucet on. “It’s almost like they’re watching us, like they have the power to make you burn yourself when you talk about forbidden topics.”

  “Now you’re talking like a crazy women,” Angelica said. “We’ve gone over this apartment with a fine tooth comb. There’s no camera or microphone to be found.”

  “Hey, for all you know, that stove is a microphone. What do we know?”

  “You’re freakin’ me out, Penelope. Stop it. Even if they watched us showering, there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s like we’re in prison, remember? So accept it and move on.”

  They stood there, hands on each others arms. “Do you want to eat or what?” Penel
ope asked. “I’m so sick of this I can’t stand it.”

  “No. Yes. We have to eat.”

  Leaving Penelope at the sink, she walked back to the stove and opened a box of macaroni noodles. When the steam came off the water, she poured it in. “Do you ever want to escape?”

  “Are you kidding me? Everyday,” Penelope answered. “Right now, I wish I were dead. I have to go to The Council Police tomorrow to give them my story. I hate going there.”

  “What will you say? You can’t tell them the truth.”

  “I wish I had a way to talk to my father, to know exactly what he said.” She sat down at the table again. “How does this sound? My dad knew Steve was visiting me at the fence, so he picked him up so we could confront him together.”

  “It sounds lame. Sorry. Just tell them you don’t know why Jim brought the boy in. You can deny you ever saw him.”

  “Oh, jeez I never thought of that. No one saw me, I’m sure of it. Yes, I’ll lie.”

  “You didn’t already admit it to them, did you?”

  “No. I denied it. This is why we’re together. You are so wise, Angelica. Angel. I have to tell you what Quigley told me this morning.” She repeated his story about thinking he was purposely blinded.

  “That’s a lie,” Angelica said, disgusted. “Why do you associate with him? He’s really the scum.”

  “You don’t like him because he’s a homosexual,” Penelope said.

  Ignoring the accusation, Angelica carefully placed a plate of macaroni sprinkled with salt in front of Penelope, then sat down across from her. “You’d better sleep if you’re going to work later.”

  “I will,” Penelope said, taking a mouthful of food. “Jeez, I wish we had butter. Not that this isn’t delicious just like this.” Chewing, she choked it down and swallowed water after. “Could I be so lucky that another man will show up tonight?”

  “I doubt it. I hear gossip, too. We think we’re in prison? I’ve heard it’s twice as bad in the towns. They might not be fenced in, but if they break the rules, they’re shot to death. If your young man got into trouble today, anyone from his neighborhood contemplating coming here will think twice.”