Blue

by Sarah Jayne Carr

  I clung to the blow of his words and kept my mouth shut.

  “I went into the bar after work and ordered a steak, which I never got around to eating. Oh. And a beer. Maybe a couple of beers. Probably closer to a dozen. I’d lost count. History including a DUI said to not drink, but I didn’t listen. With the house so close, I decided to walk it off and come back for the truck in the morning. Al was managing that night; he wouldn’t care if I was parked there overnight.

  “At some point, I needed a smoke and stumbled toward the door, but I couldn’t find my cigarettes. The damn pack was in my hand the whole time, which tells you how much I’d already drank. As the front door shut behind me, I fumbled in my pocket for a lighter. That’s when I ran into someone.

  “I slurred an apology to whoever it was and made a move to keep walking. But it was his response that caught my attention, sending me over the edge.” He paused. “It was about you and it was so vulgar, I won’t even repeat what he said. It only took a second for the rage to choke me, and I lost it. I grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and slammed him up against a nearby truck, my face inches from his. You should’ve seen the fear in his eyes.

  “He asked what the fuck I was doing, but I didn’t answer with words. Instead, I shook him hard, slamming him against that truck over and over again. I couldn’t hold back, Blue. I tried. I swear, I tried.

  “And it got worse. He smirked and said you were a better lay than his wife. Said if you were good enough for me, you were good enough…” he shut his eyes, “good enough for him.

  “Then, I started wailing on his face until he was a bloody mess. Three times? Four times? Five times? Who knows? I couldn’t stop. Cartilage cracked. A tooth flew out of his mouth. Blood poured down his chin. He sobbed and shielded himself from my hits, recoiling like a coward. And that was when I delivered the fatal blow. But it was with words instead of my fists. With my teeth bared, I told him I had what happened with you on tape. That was the moment he knew I knew.”

  I wound my arms around myself and scrunched my eyes shut.

  “It was a lie, but you should’ve seen the look on his face. Like he stared at the Grim Reaper himself. That was when Harold came running out of The Fill & Spill to see what happened, asking if he should call the cops to have me arrested.” Adam paused. “I was thankful for that. Otherwise, I might’ve killed him.

  “And Tom just lay on the ground, frozen, eyes wide as dinner plates while he looked at me. He told Harold it wasn’t necessary and he called what happened that night in the parking lot nothing more than a ‘misunderstanding’.”

  Adam let a laugh out through his nose. “Some misunderstanding. My hand was broken in two places, and it swelled up like a balloon. I thought beating the shit out of him would make me feel better and lessen the pain of losing you. But it didn’t. And that’s when I realized it.”

  “Realized what?” I asked.

  “That you weren’t coming back. That I needed to pull my shit together. If I didn’t do something, Tom Meyers wouldn’t live.”

  “Yeah, well Daveigh saw the whole thing happen. She thinks you made him into a punching bag for a good time.”

  “That’s because you never told her the truth, but that’s beside the point. We’ve come full circle to me not caring about what anyone around here thinks about me. Remember? Anyway, I should get going.” He rubbed the perimeter of the steering wheel with his palm.

  Silence.

  “Do…you want to come in?” I asked, fiddling with the hem of my jacket.

  He hesitated and shook his head. “Ehhhh…that’s probably not the best idea. Your family will be back eventually. It was already awkward enough at the funeral with your mom.”

  I nodded and blinked before opening the door. “Yeah. No, you’re right. I just…really don’t want to be alone right now. Maybe I can get…or I could ask…Never mind.” I was at a loss. There was no one left for me to call. “Thanks for the ride home.”

  “Hold on.” Adam looked at me and let out a slow breath before pulling the keys from the ignition. “I’ll hang out for a few minutes. That’s it.”

  A little flicker of something inside my chest smiled. Relief. Familiarity. Comfort. It was a feeling I hadn’t experienced in two years. He followed me around the side of the house. No one was home, and Ralph’s driveway was empty.

  “Everything looks the same back here.” Adam surveyed the ground on the pathway to the backyard.

  “Nothing changes if…” I stopped myself from finishing the saying.

  I unlocked the door to the house out back and walked inside, taking my coat off, hanging it on the rack. The lack of footsteps behind me caused me to turn around. “Are you coming in?”

  Adam stood in the doorway, not stepping past the welcome mat. I could tell what he felt by his labored breathing and vacant stare. It was my same reaction when I’d arrived.

  “I know. It’s kinda like opening a time capsule, isn’t it? Everything’s hermetically sealed. Like the clock stopped.”

  “Yeah, except years have passed.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s strange.”

  I changed the subject to something more comfortable. “So, can I get you some coffee or water? I don’t have the fridge stocked with anything else.”

  “Coffee.” He yawned as he sat down on the sofa. “Please. Hold the sugar.”

  I closed my eyes and braced the counter, remembering back to when he’d finish off the line by saying, “You’re sweet enough for both of us.”

  But he didn’t say it that time. It caused that glimmer of relief, comfort, and familiarity I felt in my chest to fizzle.

  With my back to Adam, I went through the motions of making a packet of instant coffee I’d picked up at The Lean, Mean, Coffee Bean. Tea had always been my preference, but I was exhausted and needed an infusion of caffeine. If the tea had expired, I didn’t want to know what two-year-old coffee tasted like. The room was too quiet, and I knew neither of us knew what to say or how to act around each other. Adam and I had two speeds: arguing and being in love. There wasn’t an in-between.

  “Can I say something and not have you interrupt?” I asked.

  “Shoot.” He slouched on the couch and folded his hands over his stomach.

  I tapped the counter with the heel of my fist, fighting for the nerve to speak. “Adam, I’m sorry,” I bit my lip, “for so many reasons. Everything. I don’t know where to start. When Madelyn…I didn’t know how to cope. I’d lost her, and if I lost you…I got scared and took off on the one person who mattered and ruined it all. I figured it out. If I left you first, that meant you’d never be able to leave me. That soap dish didn’t lie. It may have cracked and been put back together, but you were my world. Just like that,” I snapped my fingers, “I broke us, and I don’t blame you if you spend the rest of your life hating me.”

  He didn’t reply.

  “I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m just as lost as I was when…I mean…what I’m trying to say is…” I turned around and disappointment flooded me. That spark I mentioned had fully extinguished, not even a whisper of smoke remaining.

  The front door was wide open, and Adam was gone.

  I’m not sure how long I sat on that uncomfortable couch with the door open. Chilly wind whipped through, pushing the creaking oak back until the handle rhythmically bumped the wall behind it, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up and close it. I was numb to the core. From the outside in due to the cold and from the inside out due to Adam.

  I knew what I felt was minimal in comparison to what I’d done to him. So fucking inconsequential. However, it still stung. A lot. Perspective sucked.

  At six-thirty that night, my phone jingled, jarring me from my daze.

  ‘Veigh

  We’re down at The Fill & Spill. Wanna come?

  Who’s ‘we�
�?

  Me. Wesley. Finn. Scott. Lucy said she might show.

  I don’t think so.

  Come on. You’re going to leave me for Sacramento soon. Please?

  I slouched on the couch and groaned, knowing she was right. I could either have a pity party alone or I could suck it up and have a drink with my sister and brother before we all parted ways again. With Finn in college and Daveigh pregnant, I didn’t know when we’d have another opportunity to be together. Maybe never. No one got along with the momster, so she wasn’t a binding tie. Reluctantly, I stood up and got ready to head to the bar.

  * * *

  The Fill & Spill was half-empty that night when I walked in. Lucy was across the way, deeply engrossed in conversation with Santi. It wasn’t long before she noticed me. She flashed one of those annoying, dainty waves where she wiggled all of her fingers. It made me want to slap her. A few minutes later, Daveigh walked out of the bathroom and spotted me immediately, like a heat-seeking missile. She marched over to where I stood near the doorway. “Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “What now?” I sighed. “I thought you wanted me to come have a drink with you guys. Or was that some kind of trap?”

  Her lips tightened, the corners turning into a bleak frown as she placed her hands on her hips. “Didn’t I warn you about hanging around with Adam Rockwell? I saw you two at the funeral together. Surprised he had the balls to show up.”

  “Well, that answers my question about your invitation being a trap.” I draped my jacket over my arm. “You warned me. But you forget I’m an adult.”

  “Blue…”

  “‘Veigh, you got knocked up by a guy named Beanbag. And don’t forget you used to date a Rent-A-Cop more than twice your age. Or should we talk about how you’re too afraid to tell ‘Mommy’ about the bun you’re baking? Tell me which part of what I said makes you an expert on giving out relationship advice?”

  She closed her eyes and took a breath. “I know I haven’t always made the best decisions. But Adam’s bad news. I can feel it.”

  “I think what you’re feeling are those pregnancy hormones again. Go eat some dill pickles and ice cream.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Don’t try to be cute. He’s still bad news, no matter how you try to spin this.”

  “Would you stop saying ‘bad news’? What if he’s not? What if you’re wrong about him, and you don’t know the whole story?”

  Her eyes widened. “Shit! What if he’s using you for the money?”

  “Slow it down and put away your detective kit, super sleuther. He’s not like that.”

  “Well, speaking of money, what happened with Crenshaw today?”

  “Hard limit.” I scanned the crowd. “Not talking about it.”

  “You come in here defending Adam Rockwell after I told you what he did to Daddy, and you don’t want to talk about the giant lump of money he left you? Give me something to work with here.”

  “Not now, Daveigh.” I rubbed my temples. “Maybe not ever.”

  “We’re all owed an explanation. I don’t get it. Trust me when I say money isn’t my motivation here. I don’t care whether Daddy left me a nickel or five million dollars. All I want to know is why?”

  “I don’t owe anyone anything. Look, I can’t…” I shook my head, solidifying my decision to keep my mouth shut. “I can’t say it without destroying lives. Can’t you accept that and be blissfully ignorant?”

  “No. What did I ever do to shut you out?”

  “It’s not what you did.” I looked her in the eyes while tears pricked at mine, hoping that would be enough of an answer to appease her. Why couldn’t she read between the lines? I felt like an angry beehive, and Daveigh was the curious kid holding a stick. Poking at me wasn’t a good idea.

  Her voice grew louder. “You’re like talking to one of those magic eight balls sometimes. No real answers are—”

  Beanbag walked up and halted our escalating conversation by stepping between us. “Is everything okay with you two?”

  “Couldn’t be better,” I replied, my tone laced with sarcasm. I glanced toward Santi before walking away. “I need a beer or an IV of beer. A trough of beer. A beer of beer. Whatever.”

  “Blue!” Daveigh shouted after me. “Would you listen to me?”

  I didn’t look back as I headed up to the bar, realizing Adam sat next to the only open space nearest the door. Just my luck. I slunk down on the empty stool and remained quiet for a minute before I spoke. My voice was low. “Your coffee’s likely cold by now.”

  He winced. “I know...I’m sorry…”

  “Don’t apologize. It’s no big deal.” Fighting the bitterness in my voice was an epic fail.

  He glanced at me. “Standing in that room, remembering the past, listening to you give some clunky speech, tripping over sentences about apologies, and that damn soap dish…I…”

  The door to the bar jingled to interrupt. Zack walked in with Heather Miller attached to his arm. I watched him lean over and whisper something in her ear before she threw her head back in loud, chirpy laughter.

  Exactly what I need to top off my night.

  He scanned the room, his eyes stumbling when he saw me. Without words, he guided Heather to the only empty table in the bar—a two-top next to Daveigh and Beanbag.

  “This trip gets better and better,” I mumbled.

  As I looked away, I caught a glimpse of Daveigh. Her eyes did a double take when she saw who I was seated next to. She jabbed her index finger in my direction and whispered something to Beanbag before standing up. Anger and frustration flooded her face while she bounced over to where I sat. “Hey, Blue. Why don’t you come sit with us?”

  “Excuse me? Did you forget about the argument we had?” I motioned between our bodies. “That was you involved, right?”

  “Yeah,” her eyes flicked over to Adam and back at me again, “but I’d really like it if you hung out with us.”

  Maybe my response was out of spite. Maybe it was out of annoyance. “Sure.” I smiled sweetly. “Come on, Adam.”

  Daveigh stuck out her lower lip. “Bummer. There aren’t enough seats for both…”

  “It’s okay. We can share,” I replied, tugging Adam across the room toward the table. “C’mon.”

  “What’s going on with you?” he hissed. “I don’t want to hang out with—”

  “I’ve had a real shitty day, Rockwell. Humor me and sit for a few minutes,” I commanded.

  Adam puffed out his cheeks and sank into the only available chair.

  I began introductions, “Finn, you remember Adam, right? And this is Finn’s boyfriend, Scott.”

  Adam nodded at my brother. “It’s been a while. Long since before you left for college.” His focus turned toward Scott, shaking his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You sure everything’s okay between you and your sister?” Beanbag asked Daveigh quietly.

  My lip-reading skills were on point that night.

  She slammed her purse on the table. “I swear to God, Wesley! If you don’t stop treating me like I’m going to break, I’m going to flip my shit.”

  “Hormonal much?” I muttered.

  One of the TVs behind the bar caught my attention, and it was like history repeating itself. “Hold on. I want to see what this is all about,” I replied.

  The rest of the table fell into a conversation about a football game on an opposing screen, and I’d lost interest. An oversized image panned to Cash and Price Jensen in a follow up interview. Like last time, Price did all the talking while Cash sat there with a wide grin on his face.

  Fortunately, the chairs nearest to me had been vacated by my brother and Scott who’d gone up to the bar for a refill. I sank down into the seat and set my tote bag on the floor without breaking eye contact with
the screen.

  Adam’s eyes trailed to the television and I could sense his mood darkening while he focused on their faces. “What is it about that asshole that captivates you so much?” he murmured to me. “You can tell by the way he looks and talks. Is it his inflated ego or the fact he’s a dick? Both qualities are charming.”

  I froze. There was no answer to his question that wouldn’t ship me into a frenzy of tears. The air stifled my lungs as I took short, choppy breaths. Ignoring him was the simplest solution, but he made it damn near impossible.

  “What is it,” he leaned closer, closing in on the distance between his mouth and my ear, “that draws you to Cash?”

  The vibration from his voice sent a tingle through my core. I had no argument. Every word he spoke about my ex-boss and ex-arrangement was accurate. Yet my actions over the past two years left each syllable difficult to hear because they told a different story.

  “Well?”

  Santi broke up the tense moment long enough to deliver more drinks to the table. This time, he set an entire bottle of whiskey in front of Adam. “Owner said you looked like you needed this.”

  Adam didn’t acknowledge the gesture of alcohol, his attention still fixated on me.

  “I…” I shuddered. Heat radiated through Adam’s shirt as he leaned over my shoulder, my fingertips begging to reach over and trace the worn flannel. Holding back was like asking two magnets to not connect. He was close. Too unbearably close.

  A hint of spearmint lingered in the air when he spoke again. “Tell me, Blue. Tell me right now. What’s so amazing about him? Give me a real answer and I’ll walk out that door right now, never questioning you again. I want the truth.”

  “The truth?” Tears stung my eyes and I couldn’t bring my voice above a whisper. “Cash’s an asshole.” The lump in my throat grew tenfold. “Being with him was intentional. A constant, shitty reminder I didn’t deserve better. He’s the opposite of everything I had, I wanted, and I needed in you. Does hearing that make you happy?”