Rip

by Rachel Van Dyken

  I’d never wanted her on paper.

  Never needed a contract to know who she belonged to.

  Her body had always belonged to me, since that very first kiss, that very first touch, when I replaced the pain with the pleasure, when I broke her.

  I inwardly cursed as I expunged the memories of a time long ago, she had been the apple in the Garden, dangled in front of me, her core so tempting and sweet. A voice whispered in the distance. Just. One. Bite.

  I bit.

  I tasted.

  I fell.

  Maybe that was where I went wrong. The minute I’d seen her, I had desired her, wanted her, and in all my existence, I’d never coveted something as much as I’d coveted her.

  It was a sin.

  To want someone so desperately that you would sacrifice anything, actual human lives, possibly your own soul, to have it.

  I pushed the memories back into the furthest recess of my mind, focusing on nothing but her pleasure, her release, while silently hoping this would not be the catalyst to her unlocking that precious Pandora’s box, I’d helped lock up so long ago.

  Her body responded to my every kiss, my every touch… it was addicting to a man like me, a man who rarely showed emotion, someone who starved others of their humanity—discovering he very much wanted his own, one normal moment.

  Boy meets girl.

  Boy falls in love.

  Girl never leaves.

  Maya screamed out in pleasure, I kissed the inside of her thigh then climbed my way, slowly up her body, taking pleasure in the way she writhed beneath me, wanting more than anything to bring her to the greatest heights.

  “That felt… too good.” She whispered, mouth swollen.

  My hardness against her softness was almost too painful to bear. She reached for me, wrapping her hands tightly around me. I hissed out a curse.

  “Show me what to do.”

  “Your body…” I whispered, moving against her hand. “Will always know what to do.”

  “But—”

  “Feel.” I instructed as I moved against her then very gently pulled her hands away even though they felt so good. I hesitated, enjoying the look of hate on her face as I teased her, rubbing myself against her, sucking and nipping her lower lip, moving to her breasts.

  “Nik…”

  I hesitated, she typically reverted to that name only when she was remembering. My entire body tensed.

  “I need… more.” She wiggled against me, then hooked her feet behind me.

  I slid against her, chuckling into her neck, before I pressed an open mouthed kiss against her shoulder and inched slowly inside heaven.

  Her head fell back against the pillow as I moved.

  It wasn’t enough.

  It would never be enough.

  What the hell was I thinking? One time with her? One moment? Had it been enough all those years ago?

  No, it had fed the addiction, the obsession.

  And I was adding lighter fluid to dry leaves and tossing a match into the air, praying somehow it wouldn’t start a fire.

  Each second that went by, I slid farther inside her, stopping when a look of pure awe slid over her face.

  Our mouths met in a frenzy of hot kisses as I moved inside her, setting a fast rhythm, only to slow down as she tightened her grip on my body with her hands.

  We were made for one another.

  I’d always known it.

  And now she did too.

  I tried to stop, wanting the feeling of completeness within her to last an eternity, but it was impossible.

  With one final thrust, I spent the last of my energy, perhaps the last of my soul… in that moment.

  The darkness of our reality descended upon me with a choking reminder that what we’d just shared held the power to destroy everything.

  But instead of screaming in horror that she’d just made love with a monster… Maya opened her eyes, as tears streamed down her face she whispered. “Just like my dreams.”

  If only she knew…

  They were never dreams…

  But actual memories.

  “I love you,” she whispered. “I’ve always loved you.”

  Her eyes closed.

  “And now…” I said in a shaky voice. “You may sleep.”

  I could allow her that much.

  Little thieves are hanged, but great ones escape.—Russian Proverb

  MY DREAMS WERE FILLED WITH NIK… I wasn’t sure why he felt so familiar in them, like I could laugh with him, cry with him, and he would embrace me, wipe my tears away and tell me everything would be okay.

  His heat surrounded me, and my gaze sought the clock. It read two a.m., which meant I still had a few more hours in his arms. My heavy lids closed.

  “It hurts!” I screamed. “So bad.”

  “Did you know…” He sounded apologetic. “That some philosophers believe pain is only another state of consciousness? That we can transcend it, if only we allowed our minds to see past the pain?”

  “How?” I clenched my teeth together. “How do I see past the pain?”

  “Focus on my voice,” he urged, making another slice across my arm. “I will stop when you stop reacting.”

  “But—”

  “Please.” He sounded like he was in pain. “Please, just try.”

  “Why? You’re the one who can stop everything! You’re the one hurting me!”

  “What if I promise you pleasure after the pain… what if I promise you something more?”

  My vision blurred as the man in the white mask tilted his head, examining me, studying me.

  “I said I’d try.”

  “I’ve drawn little blood, Maya.”

  “I’ll have scars.”

  “Scars help us remember… they also, serve as a way to make us forget… I give you scars on your arms in order to imprint something new… it is impossible for your brain to recall events that never occurred. Therefore, I must cause the occurrence, understand?” Another slice. I screamed. “It will not stick if I do not cause either pleasure or pain.”

  “I choose pleasure.”

  He chuckled darkly. “They all choose pleasure. And I always choose pain.”

  “But…”

  “For you…” I could almost imagine his smile behind the mask. “I’ll gift you with both. The pain must happen. Otherwise, we will both be killed. But I can give you pleasure so that when you dream… it’s not of darkness…” He reached for my hand and sucked each finger before kissing my open palm. “But of light.”

  I jerked awake with a gasp.

  Nikolai was immediately gripping my shoulders, tipping my chin toward him, staring into my eyes like he expected me to turn into a monster or something.

  “Sorry.” I gulped as my heart slammed against my chest. “Weird dream…”

  “Tell me…” His voice was hoarse, his hands digging into my arms as he pulled me back into his lap. I sat with his body wrapped around mine, his chin resting on my head while he rubbed up and down my arms. “What haunts your dreams at night?”

  I shivered. “Pleasure…” I sighed. “And pain… always together.”

  “Some would say they are one in the same.”

  “You’re a doctor,” I stated dumbly. “What do you think?”

  He was quiet. I swore I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning. “I’d have to say that one cannot exist without the other.”

  “Hmm.”

  My body felt heavy, but I wasn’t sure why, almost like I’d had a drug-induced sleep, maybe that’s what sex did to a person.

  Just remembering the way being in his arms had felt, had goose bumps popping up all over my skin.

  “Are you cold?” His mouth found my temple.

  “No.” I grinned. “Just thought of a really great way to forget about the weird dreams… if you’re up for it.”

  “Maya,” he growled against my ear, his hands already roaming freely all over my naked body. “Can’t you tell? When it comes to you… I�
�m completely powerless to say no.”

  “Does that mean I can finally ask questions?”

  “If you can speak then I’m clearly not as good in bed as I thought.”

  His hands flicked my breasts before he chuckled against my neck, flipping me onto my stomach as he whispered against the back of my neck. “But sure, ask away.”

  The delicious pressure of having him on top of me was almost unbearable, I couldn’t see him, but I could feel every hard length of him as he entered me.

  “I—”

  “Yes?”

  I had questions so many questions, and narrowing it down just seemed, pointless, but if he said he’d answer one…

  “How long have you worked for my father?”

  He increased his movements. I cried out as he answered. “Since you were sixteen.”

  “You…” I clenched my thighs together, fighting him, holding him off. “You were only twenty-three.”

  “I was around your age now when I began working full time for your father, yes…”

  “What does he have over you?”

  Another thrust. “I’d think you would know that by now.”

  “What?” My vision blurred as pleasure exploded all over my body.

  “You.” He slowed his movements pressing a kiss to my bare back and whispering, “It’s always been you.”

  I need not fear my enemies because the most they can do is attack me. I need not fear my friends, because the most they can do is betray me. But I have much to fear from people who are indifferent. –Russian Proverb

  Petrov: I have two new girls to send when you are ready, they are complaining of stomach cramps. I trust you’ll take care of the matter.

  Nikolai: The clinic is closed until I return.

  Petrov: Say hi to the Italian bastards for me.

  Nikolai: I wouldn’t provoke the very beast that stalks you, but to each his own.

  Petrov: I have no interest in the Italians anymore… business is too good without them sniffing around. Shall I send the girls?

  Nikolai: I’ll text Jac, she can inject the first treatments.

  Petrov: Kiss my daughter.

  Nikolai: I thought that was against the rules of our agreement.

  Petrov: A little bird told me it didn’t matter anymore. Tick-tock, Nikolai, will you confess your sins? I await your return to Seattle.

  I didn’t text him back. That was what he wanted. I knew he couldn’t prove shit, but I hated that I felt nothing but guilt and dread the next morning, instead of excitement.

  I should feel content.

  Instead I felt sick.

  I was at Andi’s funeral, gripping Maya’s hand as tightly as physically possible, and all I could think about were those brief moments of pleasure in her arms and how I wanted more.

  How, if I was given the choice eight years ago, I would have still been in the same damn position. It had always been about her. It always would be.

  And I could never tell her how important she really was to me without exposing my secrets, putting her in danger, and making her hate me forever.

  I released her hand then rubbed my fingers along the inside of her arms where the scars remained. Six cuts on each arm.

  Twelve cuts total.

  All but two were lateral.

  Made with glass from the car she supposedly crashed.

  The fragments of glass were pushed into her arms to make sure that they looked like they had landed there and then the cuts were made.

  The perfect plan.

  For seeing something she should have never seen.

  The perfect plan, for forcing an eager twenty-three year old into a tyrant’s service.

  “A trade.” Petrov shrugged. “Your father said you agreed.”

  My father lied, which meant, he must have owed Petrov a lot before his death. But Petrov never collected in money, he collected in blood. Regardless of how rich I was, I would never be able to pay the debt.

  “Of course,” I lied smoothly. I was so damn good at lying, at making anyone believe anything, that it was almost boring. “What would you like me to do Petrov? You know besides run a multibillion dollar company and make sure to help you keep your practices… private.”

  “Did I say I needed an accountant?”

  The hairs on the back of my arms stood at attention. It wasn’t good, or it wouldn’t be good.

  “I’ve been told you want to conduct illegal research on the spread of STDs, but can’t manage to get your hands on enough infected women in order to test your illegal drugs.”

  “Those drugs,” I spat, “will one day cure AIDS, you bastard!” I lunged for him, but was held back by two men then kicked in the stomach.

  I doubled over, trying to catch my breath.

  “Exactly.” Petrov grinned. “I have girls to give you… but first, you must do something for me. It’s easy, really. I’ve been told you can manipulate people’s minds… that you’ve studied the power of suggestion, hypnotherapy.” He shrugged. ”Brain-washing.”

  The only souls I’d ever told had been my father and grandmother.

  One or both of them had said something.

  To the most dangerous individual I’d ever known.

  “And?” I smirked. “Do you need me to make you forget your sins, Petrov?”

  “Mine?” He laughed loudly. “No, but a few of my men… they need to be controlled… you do some work for me here and there, make sure that I have adequate control over my business, and girls will magically show up at your clinic on a nightly basis.”

  “A trade,” I whispered.

  “I scratch your back, you scratch mine. What’s the harm? I need people I can trust… and you need to save the world… why not allow me to help you do it?”

  I shook hands with Satan that day, and never looked back for fear of facing my own pride and turning to stone.

  “And now, a few words from Andi’s good friend Nikolai Blazik.” A collective gasp rang out, apparently the rest of the made men had not been made aware of my presence.

  I let go of Maya’s hand and slowly made my way to the front of the large Catholic church. I was still surprised I hadn’t been struck mute for the things I’d done in this life.

  Things I’d pay for in the next.

  I hadn’t written a speech.

  I hoped my words would do her life justice.

  “Andi,” I began, my voice never wavering in its strength as I looked out over a crowd of one hundred fifty members of the oldest Italian mafia families in the United States. I wouldn’t blink if someone pulled out a gun and pulled the trigger. I almost expected it, but nobody made any sudden movements.

  Perhaps they were that afraid of the Cappo, or that stunned to see me, a Russian, in their precious Catholic church.

  “Andi,” I said again. “Was the light in the darkness, the loudness in the silence, the laughter in the wind.” I cleared my throat. “Being with her was experiencing life for the first time, and I know the world is now a darker place without her in it. As a doctor, I blame myself for not having saved her. It’s too easy to get deeply lost in the pride of your abilities until you are faced with something like cancer, something so devastating to the human body that you have no choice but to sit back and watch while it eats away at those you love the most. She died, but her soul lives on in the lives she touched with the five families. She may have had Russian roots, but her blood…” I smiled. “It was Italian, and God, he sees the truth, does he not?” A few chuckles. “Bog vidit pravdu.” He sees the truth, I repeated. “And the truth is that an angel has joined the courts of heavens. Blagosloveniya, Andi. We will miss you.” Blessings, Andi, blessings my dear friend. I kissed my fingers holding the third finger pressed to my thumb, then took my fist and pounded it against my chest. The first was an ancient gesture of blessing, the second, loyalty. She deserved both.

  When I took my seat, Maya grabbed my hand and squeezed. How had I thought I could ever continue living without her?

  I couldn’t.r />
  Not anymore.

  Even if that meant she’d hate me forever.

  I loved her enough to want her mind free.

  Free to choose me.

  Free to curse me.

  Just…free.

  “You did wonderful,” she whispered in my ear.

  “Moy,” I whispered back. “You will always be mine. Thank you for being here.”

  “Ah.” She smiled. “I’m getting to ask questions, and now you’re thanking me?”

  My lips pressed together to keep from smiling. “Yes well, don’t get used to it.”

  “Hard assed Russian,” she joked.

  Never letting her go again. My heart beat for her.

  Once the funeral procession ended, I made my way over to Sergio to say my goodbyes, and Maya joined me, offering her condolences.

  I was suddenly thankful she hadn’t met Phoenix until recently, she would notice a familiarity about him that I wasn’t sure I was yet ready to reveal.

  His features would remind her of her own.

  Connecting the dots would be unwise.

  For many reasons, the main one being that memory too, was locked inside her brain and I knew if that one came undone, everything else would follow.

  Clearly sex hadn’t been a huge trigger for her, but the day was emotional and trying. It wasn’t over, and I knew that the more tired she became, the more she would be tempted to let her guard down.

  And when the guards of your brain were down.

  There was no telling what could enter… or exit.

  “A walk.” Phoenix nodded to me. “I’ll have Bee take Maya back to the car.”

  I kissed Maya’s hand, and we both waited until she was out of earshot.

  “You asked about the whorehouses.” Phoenix slid a piece of paper into my hand. “The ones my father was involved in are long gone, but there are two addresses that haven’t been fully researched… Both are new constructions just outside of Seattle. Sergio hacked the cameras and was able to get a live feed. Seventeen cars in a little over two hours. All businessmen, entering the small temporary building, and then leaving.”

  I nodded, and my stomach turned sour. “The girls have been carrying more bruises lately, the sickness starts in sooner than it ever has before. The conditions must be dire.”