Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “It’s the same back there,” she said, exasperated. “Show me where to go.”

  “Turn around. You don’t belong here.” The same voice rolled over her again; the bass rattled the ribs in her chest.

  “I don’t know where I belong,” she said, dropping to her knees. Even these strangers were pushing her to where she didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay here, not go back. She knew what was back there and it wasn’t going to make her happy.

  “The way back is dark, but it is the way to go.” She hung her head and grabbed her cheeks. Frustrated tears poured down her face.

  The other figure took one step forward. His voice was softer.

  “It’s time now. Be good, Cat.”

  When she woke up, she could still hear Hudson’s voice saying her name.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Taking a deep breath, Evan raised his hand to knock on the door. Something that was entirely foreign and, to be honest, intimidating a few weeks ago was becoming nature. His hands no longer got sweaty on the drive over. His stomach didn’t start churning when he turned onto her street.

  Bonnie’s words echoed in his head. “Don’t expect too much of her, Evan. She’s had a rough go of it. Be easy on her.” He wasn’t unfamiliar to the “rough go of it.” That’s how people used to refer to his mother. She had three active sons; they expected her to be a little on edge.

  His friends had no way of knowing that her favorite way of blowing off steam was to berate her children and that their father was too busy working to pay attention.

  Cat opened the door with a big smile. Looks like Bonnie was exaggerating a little about her being laid up. Cat was dressed and ready for the day. She looked well rested and gave Evan a small smile in return.

  “Hello, Mister Babysitter.” He walked past her as she waved him in.

  She smelled like a fresh shower. I should just stay right here and breathe in this smell forever.

  “I told you. I’m not a babysitter. We’re just…spending time together.”

  “It is a lot easier to spend time together when you bring bakery treats.”

  Her grab hands at the bag he was holding made him laugh out loud. Sometimes she and Olivia looked so similar, it was frightening.

  “Whoa, tiger. Calm down. See, these are lemon bars and they need to be eaten properly, not devoured in seconds like you usually eat the things I bring you.” He walked to the kitchen and started laying out two plates and a pair of forks.

  “I’m not an animal. I just have an enthusiasm for baked goods.” Catalina tilted her nose into the air.

  “Of course you do.” Evan rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t stop smiling. “But these are a new thing I’m trying and I want to get your feedback in a controlled environment.”

  He placed the lemon bars on the plates carefully, wanting to preserve all his hard work. The powdered sugar on top look perfect, and he walked to the kitchen table, carefully placing one foot in front of the other and balancing the plates like they had fragile golden eggs on them.

  “Sit. Sit,” he said. Cat scooted over and sat in the chair daintily. “Okay. Give it a taste and don’t hold back. Tell me everything you are thinking.”

  He left his lemon bar on the plate. He had tasted the filling a million times over the last few weeks as he tweaked and changed the recipe in subtle ways.

  “So are these poisoned? Because you won’t stop watching me like you’re expecting me to drop dead or something.”

  “Try them. I want to make sure that you like them.”

  He sat on the edge of the chair, bouncing his leg on the ball of his foot. Cat used the fork to cut a small bite off the corner of the lemon bar, and he watched intently as she raised it to her mouth.

  Alright. She hasn’t spit it out. This is good. I didn’t even ask if she liked lemon bars. I should have asked that.

  She chewed and swallowed slowly with a little dramatic flair. Her eyes fluttered close and a soft moan escaped from her lips. Evan rubbed at his chest with the palm of his hand. Watching her eat so closely was doing strange things to him.

  “So?” he asked. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just excited.”

  He couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up from the table and paced with his hands on his hips.

  “I like them, Evan. They’re amazing. The best lemon bars I’ve ever eaten.” Before Evan could say anything else, there were only crumbs of the crust left. “So, what’s so special about them?”

  She was still swallowing the last bits of her treat, and Evan laughed to himself. It was an Olivia thing to do, scarfing down food like that. It was like a barbell had been lifted off his chest. His heart slowed, and he stopped sweating behind his knees.

  “They’re vegan, gluten-free lemon bars. I’ve been working on the recipe for ages. I finally have something that tastes semi-normal, and I hoped that nobody would be able to tell the difference.”

  “Seriously? These things are good for you?” Her mouth fell open and a bit of powdered sugar landed on her bottom lip. Evan’s eyes lingered there for a second too long.

  “I don’t think I would necessarily say they are good for you, but they are better for you than most lemon bars. And that way people with food restrictions can eat them.”

  “Wow. I didn’t think Bowers Bakery was so hip.” Catalina wrung her hands together. “Not to be rude, but your parents are just so set in their ways. I didn’t think they’d be interested in something like being vegan friendly.”

  “They aren’t.” The Bowers were certainly set in their ways. They were using the same recipes from twenty years ago even though Evan knew a few good tweaks that would make the pastries taste better. “But I’ve been thinking about starting my own baking business.”

  He laid his hands out flat on the kitchen counter. It was the first time he’d said the words aloud. Starting his own business had been a hope of his since high school, a way to escape his family and their emotional manipulation but keep on doing what he was good at.

  He cringed when he thought about what his mother would say if she ever found out what he wanted to do. He was certain that “dumbass” and “ungrateful bastard” would be key themes in that fight. So, he never brought it up, never wanted to put words to the dream, yet something about Hudson dying set Evan on this path. If he were ever going to survive, to live a life worth living, he would need to get out from under his mother’s thumb. He would need to branch out on his own.

  “Oh my goodness, Evan. That sounds like an amazing idea. What are you thinking? Like opening your own shop?” Cat scooted to the edge of her seat, but he couldn’t turn to meet her eyes fully. He looked just beyond her right shoulder.

  Her voice was peppy and she sounded excited for him, but there was a rumble in his stomach that warned him to be cautious.

  “No. No. I could never take away business from my parents, and I can’t really move far away right now. So I was thinking just a little freelance business with specialty cakes and treats. I think there’s a pretty big market for this stuff, but nobody in town is really offering the services at the moment.”

  “That’s a great idea. Vegans need wedding cakes, too, and you’re the best baker I know.” Catalina’s cheeks turned a delightful shade of pink. The change in her demeanor, the way she curved her shoulders into her chest, looked down at the floor, and played with the loose hairs around her face drew Evan’s eyes to her.

  She has no idea how beautiful she is.

  “So, what’s next? You’ve perfected the lemon bar. Have you gotten your own business space? Website? Should I give you a review online?”

  Evan shook his head fiercely. A lump formed in his throat. “Whoa. Don’t get too crazy here. It’s only an idea. I have no idea how to start and run a business. I've watched my parents and I know how to do most of it, but they still handle the books, pay the mortgage and taxes. I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I can’t keep paying for ingredients out of my pocket right now—”

  “Hey,
calm down there, cowboy. No need to freak out. I was just wondering. I’m excited for you, but I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Evan blew out a big breath and turned his head to crack his neck. As much as the dream of his own business was exciting, the imaginary voice of his mother was still echoing in his head. She would wag her finger in his face, huffing herself into a tizzy, and making her face flush red with rage. It was a look he was too familiar with as a child.

  Oh, Evan. You could never accomplish anything. You’re a follower, not a leader. I busted my ass for the last twenty-five years just so you could spit in my face? You ungrateful little bastard—your father and I have given our blood, sweat, and tears to this place for you and your brothers. The least you could do is stick around and follow through. Don’t make that face at me, you little piece of shit. I brought you into this world. I can take you out of it.

  “You okay?” Cat’s voice was softer. She stayed in the kitchen chair, but she turned her body to face his. She twisted her hands together in her lap, like she wanted to do something with them but couldn’t.

  “Yeah. I’m fine.” He cleared his throat and placed the second lemon bar in front of her, swapping his fork out for hers. “Here. You should have this. I think I’ve eaten enough lemon bars for my whole lifetime.”

  “Thanks. I really like them.” Cat ate the second lemon bar a little more slowly, tasting every bite. “And, I don’t know much about running a business in real life, but I can help you with a business plan. It’s the first step toward getting a loan at the bank. I see them all the time and I know what to look for. I could help if you want.”

  “Yeah. I’d really like that.” Evan smiled. It was just a pipe dream, but maybe Catalina could help him get closer to it.

  CHAPTER SIX

  She got out of bed when her alarm went off the next morning, dressed, brushed her hair—which seemed incredibly long, she made a mental note to herself to get a haircut—and got Olivia fed and off to school. She didn’t even want to think about it. Marie ran point on driving still, and Catalina tried her best to stop feeling guilty about it.

  With the house quiet, Catalina sat on the couch. The place could probably use some straightening up, but she was glued to her seat. The pictures on the wall stared down at her.

  A small picture of her when she was pregnant with Olivia at their high school graduation.

  Their families standing outside of the courthouse on their wedding day. Catalina was wearing a short white dress that was drawn up shorter by her big belly sticking out in front of her. The gold ring on her finger glinted in the sunlight. Hudson was looking down at her with a small smile on his face.

  Hudson, Olivia, and her at Hershey Park the summer before. They were soaked from standing on the water flume bridge. Olivia’s smile was so big and chocolate charged. Hudson had a hand on Catalina’s shoulder and he looked proud.

  “What am I supposed to do, Hud? What am I supposed to do without you?” she said to the empty room around her.

  She picked at lint on the couch cushion next to her. A black canvas photo box on the small bookshelf in the living room caught her eye.

  Her life had a Hudson-size hole in it now. They were supposed to be two gray-haired people still arguing about the proper way to butter toast or something similarly asinine. Now the rocking chair next to hers would be perpetually empty. At least she had Olivia. She had their memories, too.

  The memories threatened to crack open her sadness and allow it to overtake her, or she could face them head on, avoid the darkness creeping up on her. She had to rip off the Band-Aid, open the wound to air to make it heal.

  Her knee cracked when she walked over to the bookshelf. She stood on her tiptoes in order to grab the box from the shelf. She placed it on the coffee table and sat back down on the couch. She delicately pulled off the top of the box.

  In the box there were some darkly lit candids of Hudson and her at the fair one year when they were teenagers, on the Ferris wheel, standing in front of a carnival game, a picture of Catalina feeding goats in the petting zoo.

  Pictures of Olivia’s first birthday, her chubby little cheeks coated in pink frosting from the destroyed cupcake in front of her. Her smile was showed only two front teeth and a lot of gum.

  Olivia at Christmas, holding up a Barbie in a box. Olivia dressed up like a cat for Halloween, toddling on unsteady legs.

  Hudson and Catalina at a party when they were sixteen, red Solo cups and bottle caps scattered on a kitchen table. It looked like Bonnie’s house; her parents were frequently absent for weekend vacations. Catalina had a cup raised to her lips and her green eyes looked bright over the rim. Hudson was peeking over her shoulder, his eyes half closed and his mouth opened wide in a laugh. Their group had little parties almost every weekend, drinking, laughing, playing pool, and being teenagers.

  Catalina had thought these snapshots would make her sad, that the memories of Hudson would rip open her heart all over again, but the thought of those long nights on short weekends make her smile to herself.

  How different her life had become since then. The Catalina in this picture had no idea that she would end up pregnant, that their fun would be cut short.

  She flipped the picture over onto the table. There was a picture of Gillian sitting on Bonnie’s lap. Both of them were laughing with their mouths open and eyes closed. Gillian’s head was tipped back and Catalina could see the curve of her throat. The background was in shadow but Bonnie’s red hair was fanned out behind them and Gillian’s white tank top rode up and showed her flat stomach.

  There was a picture of the guys standing in a kitchen, leaning back against the counters, arms crossed against their chests. Gene was wearing a white polo shirt, his smile showing all his perfect white teeth. Bonnie must have taken the photo because he was making eyes at whoever was behind the camera. Hudson’s muscles looked small but tense under his long-sleeved shirt. He was so much skinnier than Catalina remembered. His face was smooth and unlined, but he looked happy. Standing next to him was Evan.

  Catalina’s breath caught in her throat. His blue eyes were dark, probably due to the beer bottle he held in his hand. His blond hair looked almost white in the bad flash from the camera. His shoulders were broader than Hudson’s. Didn’t Evan catch for the school baseball team? His jeans were slung low on his hips, and she could see a peek of skin above the top of his pants.

  She remembered the party now. They were at Bonnie’s celebrating after homecoming. They skipped the dance, too cool for that, and instead raided Bonnie’s parents’ liquor cabinet and bribed Evan’s older brothers for a few beers.

  Hudson was sweet that night—at least, in the beginning. They were playing cards and Catalina was sipping on some weird rum and pineapple juice mix that Bonnie put together. The drink stung the inside of Catalina’s mouth but made her cheeks flush with heat. Her laugh echoed off the walls.

  When she walked out of the bathroom into the dark hallway, Hudson was waiting for her. He pushed her up against the wall with his body. His breath smelled like beer and chips when he spoke against her cheek.

  “Hey, babe. What are you doing?”

  She giggled and pushed against his chest gently with her palms. “Going to the bathroom, duh.”

  “Why don’t we go into one of these bedrooms for a minute? I have something to show you.”

  “Hud, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” she said uneasily, trying not to show the trepidation in her voice. They had been together in so many ways but the way Hudson really wanted. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have sex with him. She did. But she was nervous. Gillian teased her that it would hurt, that it would change everything. She wasn’t ready for all that.

  “Come on, babe. I want to spend some time alone with you.”

  “I know what you are trying to do, Hud. I don’t want to right now.”

  “Cat. Babe. Come on. You know I love you. I want to make you feel good.” His breath was hot on her cheek and he pushed hi
s hips into her. She felt his erection through his pants.

  “Hudson, I’m telling you, it’s not a good time. Let’s go have fun with our friends.” She pushed her palms against his chest. He didn’t move, but his mouth turned into a grimace as he pushed it against her face.

  “What the hell, Cat? I’m trying to have some fun with you. What’s your problem? Don’t you want to be with me? Do you even love me anymore?” He spat the words at her.

  “I love you, Hudson. I really love you. I…can’t right now.” Tears pricked at her eyes; her voice was so tiny next to the boom in his chest. “You’ve been drinking too much. We shouldn’t fight. We were having a good night.”

  Usually she would be cursing at him, pushing him off of her, and clawing at his eyes. This wasn’t a new fight for them, but standing in a dark hallway with their friends so close by, she felt small and vulnerable. Her inner emotional wall started coming down. She did love Hudson. She did want to have sex with him eventually, but she didn’t think it would be in Bonnie’s house, in a dark bedroom that was unfamiliar to her, rushed and quiet so their friends wouldn’t hear.

  “I don’t get you, Cat. I fucking love you. I really love you. I thought you loved me too. I thought you wanted to be with me.” He pushed away from her, swaying backward against the opposite wall in the hallway. His back slammed against the wall, and she thought he cracked his head against the drywall. The pictures that hung on the wall shook from the nails they hung on.

  “I love you, Hudson. I do. Please don’t do this. Not here,” she raised her voice.

  He huffed out a breath. “Whatever, Cat. You’re a tease. Always just a tease.” He pushed away and stumbled down the hallway and out the front door. She heard him slam the door behind him, a cool wind blowing in his absence. She was frozen in her spot. A car started up outside and she could feel the silence settling around her. The living room was quiet and tense.