Recovery Road

by Danielle Donaldson

  “Of course you can. You dragged me out here, and we only have a couple more rounds before we go.” Gillian was peppy and excited. Something about Leo left stars in her eyes. His eyes were a rich brown and they were soft as he looked at Catalina. She smiled at him wryly as she heard Gillian start chatting up Leo’s friend, the shorter guy he came in with.

  “Look, I’m sure you’re a great guy, but I am not feeling that great,” she explained.

  He shook his open hands in front of her.

  “Don’t worry. I’m already in love with that beautiful woman. You seem very fun, too, but Gillian…she’s amazing. She’s got a fire in her.” He bit his lower lip. Catalina could see a blush on his cheek, even through his dark skin.

  “She’s pretty great. I’m glad you like her.” She took the last sip of her glass of wine.

  “You two are good friends, right?” he asked.

  “Best friends since we were kids.”

  “What is her favorite color? Her favorite flower?” Leo was smitten. Catalina spent their “date” together filling in him with details about Gillian, while the two lovebirds stole glances at each other.

  The bell dinged before Catalina even realized. Leo moved on to the next table and his friend slid into the chair in front of Catalina.

  “Hi, I’m Josh,” he said. His smile was crooked and he had a dimple in his cheek. He reached out his hand and shook Catalina’s firmly. His hand was smooth and warm.

  “I’m Catalina.” She fiddled with her empty wine glass.

  “I think your friend is really into my friend, Gillian.” She gestured her head toward Leo.

  “Yeah. Leo’s the one who wrangled me into this. I was hoping to sit at the bar.” Josh laughed.

  “Not the speed-dating type?”

  “Not at all. This isn’t really my thing. I’m kind of a homebody,” he said and took a sip of his drink.

  “Me neither, although this was my idea actually.” Catalina rolled her eyes.

  “Really?” He quirked his head to the side and smirked. “I didn’t think you would be into this kind of thing.”

  “Why do you think that?” she asked and smoothed her lips together.

  “You seem kind of…better than this. You are way too beautiful to be putting up with some of these fools,” he said. She was flattered. She wasn’t used to someone being so forward with her. She half-expected Hudson to break through the crowd and get in this guy’s face, like Evan punched the guy at the bar. The smile fell from her face.

  “That’s very sweet of you, but I’m not so great at this dating thing at all,” she said. “I’m not used to it.” She rubbed the empty place on her ring finger.

  “Divorced?” Josh asked, looking at Catalina’s hand.

  “No. Uh…widowed.”

  Josh’s hand covered hers softly. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  Catalina looked at him with a little confusion. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

  “It must be hard. I can’t imagine,” he said.

  “It hasn’t been easy, but here I am,” she said with a small smile. Josh was easy to talk to. He seemed nice and warm, but something about him was missing. He was handsome enough. In her younger days, Catalina probably would have been drooling over him. He had an easygoing style about him.

  “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked.

  “I’m a paramedic. I work for a private ambulance company, but don’t tell anyone else that or I’d have to help someone if they start choking or something.” He chuckled.

  “So, what do you do?” he said and then he crinkled his nose. “I’m sorry. I hate small talk. I’m terrible at it.”

  “I work at a bank, and I definitely don’t think you’re bad at it. You seem really nice to talk to,” she said as she tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “I have to be honest with you. You make me a little nervous. I thought you were the most interesting person in the room when I saw you standing by the bar earlier.” He stirred the drink in his hand. “And I know that sounds like such a cheesy line, but I really mean it.” His brown eyes were bright.

  She smiled at him sheepishly. Her stomach flipped.

  “Thank you. That’s very … sweet.” The bell dinged. The organizer started to wrap everything and told everyone to exchange contact information with the dates they liked the most and want to reach out for a second date.

  “I’d love to see you again sometime. Hopefully, without a timer going off, but if that’s what you’re into, I can get onboard,” he said, pulling his shoulder up to his ear in a half shrug. He smiled at her.

  Evan’s face floated into her mind. The pain in his eyes when he held her arm and told her he loved her. But he left and pushed her away. He told her that he couldn’t handle it. She had to take him at his word.

  She deserved to be happy. She didn’t need to be lying around, waiting for Evan to come to his senses.

  “Yeah, definitely. That sounds nice,” she said. She fished her cell phone out of her small purse and asked Josh for his number. She punched it in and called his phone. When the phone rang in his hand, she said, “See, there. You have my number and I have yours. Call me sometime.”

  She tried to sound peppy, but as she put her phone back in her purse, she wished Evan wouldn’t have walked out that night. She would rather be with him, arm in arm in the bar than Josh.

  “Thanks, guys. It was nice to meet you, but I think we should be getting home.” Catalina tugged lightly on Gillian’s arm.

  Gillian scowled at her momentarily but smiled brightly at Leo. Gillian made a gesture to Leo to call her as Catalina pulled her away from the crowd. Gillian was blowing gross air kisses at Leo by the time Catalina dragged her through the hotel lobby.

  “What’s going on, Kitty? I met the man of my dreams, and you’re suddenly ready to bounce,” Gillian said, shrugging on her coat. The air was breezy around them.

  “I was sick of being there. The whole thing was a bust anyway.” Catalina started walking toward her car.

  “I don’t get it. I thought you and Josh were getting kind of cozy. He seems like a nice guy,” Gillian said.

  “Yeah, he’s fine. I gave him my number, but I’m not sure if we’ll go out again.”

  “Why not? He’s super hot.” Gillian said as Catalina unlocked the door.

  “Yeah. He’s handsome and nice and everything, but there’s not that spark. Something is missing,” she said sadly. Gillian slid in the passenger side as Catalina turned on the car.

  “Girl, something is going on with you. You’ve been all out of sorts and haven’t told me anything,” Gillian said.

  Catalina thought for a moment about spilling the truth about Evan, but the words felt funny in her mouth.

  “There’s nothing. I mean, nothing I can’t handle.” Catalina started to look in her rearview mirrors. If she drove fast enough, they could probably make it home before Marie put Olivia down for bed.

  “No way, Kitty. Spill it. You dragged me away from quite possibly the love of my life, and now we have some talking to do,” Gillian said. “Let’s go to McKadden’s Diner, load up on some potatoes and gravy, and you can lay it out for me.”

  McKadden’s Diner was a staple during their high school years. They would stretch out over two booths and order milkshakes and fries and play old love songs on the jukebox. It was an old place, a holdover from the 50s, an updated computerized jukebox that only played the golden oldies. But it was the place in town with the best home fries, at least according to Gillian. The older waitress didn’t mind their rowdiness as long as they continued to tip well, and Gene always flirted with her and made them blush anyway.

  Gillian slid into a booth at the back and ordered two coffees and two large plates of home fries and gravy. Gillian’s solution to anything was in her vices.

  “I’m telling you. There’s no secret too big that gravy can’t solve,” she once told Catalina. It helped that Gillian was naturally thin and could drown herself in gravy and it would
n’t change a thing.

  Catalina stirred her coffee, watching the black liquid turn a caramel color as she added more cream. She took a long sip and felt relief as it warmed up her chest. They used to drink coffee and stay out too late on Friday nights after football games with their friends. Hudson would kiss her sloppily on the cheek when the team won, drunk on the thrill of it. Catalina would giggle with Gillian and Bonnie since they were always looking for new guys from the visiting schools. She drank her coffee black back then, thinking that it made her seem older, cooler. Such a silly thought when, little did she know, she would be a mother in less than a year. She would be holding a tiny bushel of a baby in a pink blanket and wouldn’t have to worry about seeming older when she was so responsible for the little life in her arms.

  The waitress plopped the dishes down in front of the women and turned without giving them a smile. Gillian rubbed her hands together.

  “Okay, Kitty,” Gillian said, “Speak up now.”

  Gillian grabbed her fork and starting plunging it into the potatoes, sopping up the beef gravy and taking a big bite.

  Catalina cleared her throat. She pushed around the potatoes for a while, finally taking a small bite. The potatoes melted in her mouth but were crispy enough to crunch the outside. It tasted like her youth.

  “Evan came over,” she started. Gillian opened her mouth but Catalina put her open palm up. “Let me get it out. Evan came over that day after we saw him in the hospital, and we kissed. We actually did a little bit more than that.”

  Gillian looked at her slyly. Catalina rolled her eyes.

  “We kissed, and then he said that he loves me but he couldn’t be with me.” The words tumbled out of Catalina’s mouth so quickly, she didn’t have time to think about them, and she wished immediately that she could shove them right back in her brain where they belonged.

  Gillian stared, her face blank. She stabbed at a couple more bites of potatoes and chewed silently. She swallowed and took a long draw of coffee.

  “So, that’s it. That’s what’s happening. I thought I had everything figured out and I was fine with everything with Evan, but he keeps pushing me away and I keep letting him back in and it feels like a mess.” Catalina finished the rest of her coffee and Gillian still stared at her silently, slightly squinting her eyes.

  “Are you going to sit there and stare at me, or what?” Catalina raised her voice. Gillian blinked then she cleared her throat.

  “He told you that he loves you?” she asked.

  “Yes. He said that, but he said we can’t be together or something like that, and I haven’t heard from him since.” Catalina blew stray hairs from her face and looked down at her mostly full plate. The waitress came over and poured her more coffee.

  “I really didn’t think pretty boy had it in him, to be honest,” Gillian said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Evan’s been after you for years and everyone could see it.”

  “He has liked me for a while?” God, she felt like a teenager all over again. Part of her was excited at the idea. I have always loved you, Evan had whispered to her in the dark, choking on the words.

  “Of course, probably his whole life the way we’ve seen it,” Gillian said, finishing off her plate of potatoes and reaching over to pick off of her plate. “He was seeing that blonde chick, but I thought for sure he would be all over you after his accident. Instead, he freaked out on you. I don’t know what that is about, but I’m sure he’ll figure it out.”

  “Wait, I’m still confused. If he’s liked me this whole time, why didn’t he say anything?” Catalina asked.

  Gillian looked at her pointedly then sighed, and when she dropped her silverware on the plate it clattered loudly with her frustration.

  “Oh goodness, Kitty. I’m surprised you didn’t realize it sooner. I’m pretty sure Hudson knew it too. Evan’s always been flustered around you, like he had stars in his eyes. He’s always been quiet and kind of intimidated by you. After the accident,” Gillian coughed, “he stayed by your side every day, helped us with the arrangements, even played with Olivia to help her through it. I know he has seemed flaky, but Hudson was his best friend and he hasn’t really known what to do with himself since.”

  Catalina nodded, sifting through her thoughts. Catalina bit her bottom lip and looked at her fingernails. They were already bitten down, but she was nervous. If Evan had always liked her, it made sense that he kept his distance. He was trying to be respectful, not get too close, and be a good friend to Hudson. “I never really thought of him like that until after…”

  “I know that. Don’t worry.” Gillian waved down the waitress for another refill on the coffee.

  “He has so much baggage. I don’t know if I can handle taking care of all that. He’s pushed me away so many times, I don’t know what to think,” Catalina said, stirring her third cup of coffee. Her hands were already a little shaky, but she couldn’t help herself.

  “I’m sure his crappy family hasn’t helped him with all that stuff. You should see his mom. She’s a real piece of work.”

  “Yeah, she wouldn’t come see him in the hospital. She’s an evil witch.”

  “No, Cat. I don’t think you understand. I went into the bakery one day after school. We were just kids, but she was busy railing on him, calling him every name in the book. He was standing in front of his brothers. It was obvious that he was trying to protect them. She had this huge, heavy rolling pin and she took it and…”

  Gillian cringed and shook her head.

  “Needless to say, it was awful to watch. I thought she broke his eye socket. I got out of there before she saw me. The next day, he told everyone that he got it during baseball practice, but I knew better. Looking back, I wonder what else he covered up with sports excuses.”

  Catalina shivered. “I had no idea it was that bad.”

  “Hey, it’s not my story to tell. I just wanted to let you know that he has good reason to be a little messed up in the head, but overall, he’s a great guy. Afraid of commitment, sure. But, you know he’s great.”

  “I have enough of my own crap to deal with. I don’t know if I can look past all his emotional stuff.”

  “We’re all works in progress. We have our shit that we have to overcome and deal with. Only you can decide if it’s worth it to you.”

  “So what now? What am I supposed to do?”

  “I don’t know the answer to that question. I think only you can do that for yourself. What is it that you want?” Gillian asked.

  Catalina sat silently for a while. She thought about her life before the accident, the simple life she imagined with Hudson. They fought, sure, but they were mostly happy. Happy enough to keep going. Then there was the desperation and sadness after the accident, grief for the life that never would be, grief for the future she’d wanted but would never get the chance to live.

  She thought about Evan’s hand in hers in the dark of the hospital room, watching his pulse numbers on the screen, silently rooting for him through his physical therapy, the white-knuckle panic when his leg became infected and his fever exploded. She lightly rubbed her fingertips over her lips, remembering the ghost of Evan’s kiss, the taste of his tongue dancing with hers, and the flush of warmth in her belly from the friction between them. Even while he was pushing her away, telling her to leave him alone, it hurt to not be with him.

  “I want him.”

  Gillian smiled widely at her.

  “I want to be with Evan, and I really think he wants to be with me —at least, I really hope he does.”

  Catalina started going through her purse, looking for cash to throw on the table.

  “Let’s go,” she said.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  They pulled up to Evan’s apartment complex in Catalina’s car. Gillian pointed to his apartment. The apartment without decorations, without a bike on the balcony or a dog barking inside.

  “That’s his place. There’s his car, so I’m sure he’s home. Go
up there and tell him how you feel and don’t take no for an answer.” Gillian chuckled.

  Nerves and the cups of coffee made Catalina’s hands tremble and she couldn’t stop bouncing her leg. She tugged on the collar of her shirt again to make sure everything was covered up. Gillian brushed her fingers through Catalina’s hair and rubbed some lip gloss on her lips. Catalina rubbed underneath her eyelids, trying to make herself look awake.

  “You got this, girl. Don’t worry about me. I’m gonna call Leo, and hopefully I can get some action tonight myself. Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes; I can come get you if you can’t walk. And I’ll let Marie know what’s up, so don’t worry about Olivia.” Gillian was squirming in her seat. Her fingers were already moving quickly across the screen of her phone.

  Catalina took a deep breath. Evan’s apartment complex was small and simple. It was quiet, with only a few cars going in and out of the parking lot. She was surprised. She always thought he would live closer to the college, with the party crowd.

  “Okay. Thanks, Gil. I don’t think I could have done this without you.” She hugged her friend from across the center console of the car.

  “Kitty, I think you were always going to end up here, with or without me.” She smiled. “Now, go get your man.”

  Catalina tried to shake the nerves from her body. She stepped out of the warm car and into the cool spring night. The air smelled fresh; the flowers would start blooming any day. It gave her the extra boost of confidence. She shook her hair off her shoulders and marched up the stairs to Evan’s apartment. Outside his door, she took a deep breath. She wiggled her fingers, trying to get rid of the shakiness. She looked toward the parking lot but could no longer see her car from the stairwell.

  She reached up and knocked firmly. There was talking on the other side of the door. She thought she could make out Evan’s voice and she leaned a little closer to hear better. She knocked again, more loudly.

  Evan answered the door in a pair of pajama pants.