David didn’t take the news very well, obviously he didn’t want to go and really, I don’t blame him. While he and Elliott had come to an understanding when I was dating Elliott, they’ve never actually spoken since I David and I got together.
All my life, it’s always been David. I loved him for so long, but there came a point where I resigned myself to just being his friend. I was ok with that. As long as he was in my life, I could handle anything.
When I got hurt and David saved me, he became my world. It would have been so easy to turn our friendship into something more then, but I kind of felt as though he felt sorry for me and my pride took a big hit.
I guess I pushed him away back then. I forced him to stay at an arm’s length. There were little things that he’d do, that when I look back now, made it really obvious that he wanted more from me. He made innuendos, he touched me more than normal and he tried to tell me how he was feeling, but I know I didn’t let him. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want the reason we got together to be laced with the pain of what Christopher had done to me. I needed to find myself again first.
Then I met Elliot. There was this great attraction between us and it was the first time I was ready to act on my feelings. David took it all really badly. I confronted him. More than once I confronted him. Secretly, I just wanted him to say ‘because I’m in love with you.” I wanted that so much, whether I admitted that to myself at the time or not. In my heart, all I’ve ever wanted was for David to love me, but still, he said nothing.
I think the reason I threw myself into the relationship with Elliot was because I was so lost without David. We had gone to being a constant in each other’s lives to not talking at all, and I felt like I had this great gaping hole inside me. I think I used Elliot to fill that hole. We were never right for each other. Even when Elliot and I did break up, the one thing that had me crying the most – was that I didn’t have David to hold me and tell me everything would be alright.
When everything finally came to a head, it was as if the stars had finally decided to line up for us. We were meant to be. I always knew we were meant to be.
I still get shivers down my spine when I think about the moment he told me he loves me. Every time he says it, it fills me up. It lifts me up and carries me through my days.
I need to speak to him. He has to understand. I want him. I’ll always want him.
Picking up my phone, I press the picture of his beautiful face to call him. But, it goes straight to voicemail.
You know who you called, leave a message. I’ll call you back.
“David. Please call me. Come home. I love you.”
Chapter five
David
“So you had a fight. It’s not the first one and it certainly won’t be the last,” my mother says from across the table. Her partner, Alex, comes over with steaming mugs of coffee for all of us.
“Here you go mate,” he says as he places it in front of me. He kisses my mother on the top of her head as he takes the seat next to her, and they share an intimate smile.
I really like Alex. He’s been living with my mother for a little over a year now. They started dating not long after me and Trina moved out together. I’m glad my mother found someone. She has given herself wholeheartedly to me as a mother, and it’s about time she focused on her own happiness - even if I am here whining about my own.
“But she doesn’t want to marry me. What’s the point of being together if we aren’t going to get married?” I complain.
“Well, Alex and I aren’t exactly planning on marrying any time soon. We’ve both been down that road before. Living together has all the benefits of marriage, without any of the legal ownership,” she explains.
“Ownership? That’s how you see marriage – as owning each other?” I frown. I had never thought of it like that at all.
“Well, yeah. Marriage changes things David. People talk like it’s just a piece of paper, but it’s not. It’s an institution.”
“Yeah, a mental one,” Alex laughs and my mum joins in.
I shake my head disbelievingly. “I can’t believe you two. What is wrong with getting married? I don’t want to own her. I love her and I want to be legally joined with her for the rest of my life. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. “
My mum reaches across the table and pats my hand. “There’s nothing wrong with it honey. But you both have to want it for the same reasons. Go home and talk to her. Give her time to explain instead of stomping off in a huff.”
Katrina
When I hear the lock turn in the door, I stand immediately. He’s home.
“You came back,” I say.
“Of course I came back,” he tells me, dropping his keys on the hall table.
“Can we talk?” I ask. He nods his response and I incline my head toward the couch. He comes and sits beside me. “Did you go to your mums?”
“Yeah. I needed someone to talk to.”
“You could have stayed and talked to me.”
“I was too angry. I needed to cool down and make sense of everything.”
“Fair enough.”
He’s clearly agitated. He won’t sit back comfortably. Instead, he’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees as he bounces his foot vigorously.
“Can you just tell me exactly why you don’t want to get married?” he asks focusing on his hands as he clasps them in the space between his knees.
“It’s not even that David. I do want to get married. It’s just that there’s so much I want to do first. I want to have a career. I want to make sure we can afford something wonderful. I want it to be special. Not some slap-dash thing we do because we feel like we have to.
“And I’m a little scared. Part of the reason I felt so strange today was because I was freaked out by everyone getting married and having kids so suddenly. I mean - what if I had stayed with Elliot? Would I be a stay at home mum by now too? I want to make partner someday David. How am I going to do that married with kids?”
“Getting married isn’t going to stop you from making partner.”
“Says the man in the relationship. The women who are partners in my office are well into their forty’s when they get there, and they either don’t have kids or had them after they made it.”
“So you want to have kids when you’re forty? What if that’s too late?”
“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. What if we decide we don’t want kids?”
“Are you serious? But, we’ve spoken about life with kids before. I thought we were on the same page.”
“And what page is that?”
“Get married, set ourselves up with a house and a solid career and then have kids.”
“David. How am I going to plan a wedding, then be a mother and have a solid career?”
“Plenty of women do it Trina. My own mother did it.”
“I know she did David. And I admire how she’s always managed to juggle work and family. But she’s a counsellor David. You know how competitive our industry is. You work at a much bigger firm than I do. Out of all the partners, how many are women?”
“I don’t know. A couple.” I concede. “But Trina, that means nothing. If you want to make partner you work hard and go for it. Kids or not. I’m not even interested in being a partner. I couldn’t give a fuck about that. If you need to work to make it, then I’ll do all the kids’ stuff. We’re a team. We don’t have to be traditional. Having kids doesn’t mean your career is finished.”
“Oh god, why are we arguing about kids? I don’t even know if I want them!”
“Seriously? I can’t believe you don’t want kids?!”
“I don’t know, but I definitely don’t want them yet. We have to be married first and to do that we need…” I stop speaking. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
He blows out a steady breath and rubs his fingertips across his temple. “Need what?”
I shake my head quickly from side to side. I’m not willing to speak the words. It�
��s all too ridiculous.
“Shit Trina,” he says, swiping his hand down his face. “You’re making it sound like getting married and having a family with me is going to ruin your life.”
“That’s not what I mean. I don’t believe that.”
“Will you please set a date then?”
“I can’t. The wedding can’t happen yet.”
“Why? Why can’t it happen?”
“It… It just can’t ok. Certain things have to be in place and they’re not. We can’t get married yet!”
“Alright,” he says getting up from the couch. Don’t tell me. That’s fine. You can have your career. Your secrets – whatever. But you’d better give me the ring back. I can’t imagine being engaged is helping your career options either.” His face is dead serious as he holds out his hand. I look from the ring to his hand, to his face. I think my heart just stopped beating.
David
“No,” she chokes out, shaking her head from side to side as her eyes glisten with tears. “No. I won’t.”
“Well what’s the point?!” I yell, my heart thudding through my ears, my mind in turmoil. “You don’t want to get married, and you don’t know if you want to have kids. What’s the fucking point Katrina?!
“You say you love me. You say you want to spend the rest of your life with me but as what? A successful attorney? That’s not who we are Trina. We’re supposed to be a couple first – before everything – WE, should come first.”
“I want to marry you. I want to marry you now. I want to have a family with you. It doesn’t have to be straight away, but it does have to be before we’re both too old to enjoy our children. What’s the point of having this great career and working our arses off if we don’t have a family to share it with?”
She looks down at her ring and twists it around her finger. I hear a slight sniffle as she fights her tears. She hates crying, and I hate feeling like I’ve made her cry. But we need to deal with this.
“I want to marry you too David. And I do want kids with you. I really do. I didn’t mean anything I said.”
“Then what the fuck are we fighting about?”
She closes her eyes, her face slightly furrowed as she lets out a great sigh. “The wedding,” she reveals.
“The wedding?”
“Yes,” she strangles out. Her pleading eyes meet mine. What’s going on?
I hold up my hands and scrunch my face in confusion. “What? I’m lost here Trina. I need more information.”
She closes her eyes and tears start to fall down her cheeks. “I… I don’t know enough people to invite to our wedding!” she wails as she puts her hands in her face and bursts into tears.
Chapter six
Katrina
I can’t believe I just said that out loud. It sounds so ridiculous. But it’s true. Besides David, I don’t have many friends.
In high school, David and I kind of broke off from all of our groups when rumours and bitchiness got too much for us. From that point on, it just became he and I against the world - which has worked fantastically for us so far, but it doesn’t create much of a wedding party and doesn’t give us any guests besides family and a few work colleagues.
I feel like such a loser.
“What do you mean? You have your family and some of the girls from work don’t you?” David asks, his voice suddenly calm and soothing as he wipes at my tears. “Don’t cry baby girl. I’m sorry for yelling. We can work this all out. It’ll be ok. Just talk to me.”
“You are my best friend David,” I sniffle. “You. That means no maid of honour. No bridesmaids. No wedding party. I mean we don’t even know anyone with a little girl that we could use as a flower girl!” I cry, my tears start flowing all over again. I feel like such an idiot, but I can’t seem to stop. I’ve been avoiding this wedding for two years and now my excuses aren’t working. I have to be honest – no matter how stupid it sounds.
“Oh Trina,” David laughs kindly. “Who do you think is going to be my best man? No one. You will be my bride, my best man… well, best woman - best everything. There’s just you for me.”
“Well what are we supposed to do? We can’t have a wedding without people!”
“Of course we can Trina. Anyone can be our witnesses. We have family who can do that.”
“But I want to be a princess for a day!” I cry again. “I can’t do that by myself! I need people walking down the aisle ahead of me. I need a little boy to carry the rings and a little girl to throw petals. I can’t do all that on my own!”
“You won’t be on your own. You’ll have me. You’ll have your mum, my mum, Jenny. Are you telling me you wouldn’t invite Kayley? You still meet her for lunch once a month. Doesn’t she count as a good friend?”
“Of course I’d invite her. But she’s just a normal friend. We aren’t close – not bridal party close. And I can’t have our family do everything - that’s not what I dreamed of David!”
“Dreamed of? What did you dream of Trina?” he asks kindly.
I get up and walk to our hall closet. “I’ll show you,” I say quietly. I’m embarrassed to show him this. I’ve hidden it from him for years. But I’m already crying over a lack of close girlfriends. I might as well embarrass myself thoroughly.
David
I sit and watch her as she rummages through the cupboard and returns to me with her hands behind her back. She’s hiding something.
“Don’t laugh,” she instructs me, producing an old photo album that looks like it has a collage of magazine cuttings all over it.
She hands the album to me and I realise it’s a wedding scrapbook. An old one.
“Are you serious?” I smile.
“Don’t laugh,” she repeats. There is a warning note in her voice and she presses her lips tightly together to stifle the smile I can see playing at the edge of her lips.
When I open the front cover there are pictures of big flowing wedding dresses. They look like something out of that dance scene in Beauty and the Beast. I turn the page and the next one has a photo of the two of us when we were maybe ten or eleven, and all around the picture are lots of little love hearts and writing in a childish hand saying ‘Mrs David Taylor’, ‘David 4 Katrina’ and the symbol meaning ‘true love forever’.
A smile threatens to turn into a chuckle as I look over her declarations of love. It’s a good smile though. I think I loved her then too.
She’s pacing the floor nervously in front of me as I turn more pages and take my time looking at each one. On them are pictures she’s drawn, pictures she’s cut out of magazines, and lots of hand written ideas. She’s been planning some sort of wedding extravaganza since she was a kid.
Suddenly it all makes sense. She can’t have a fairy tale wedding without the bridesmaids and without the guests. She’s been avoiding the wedding because she feels like she can’t have her dream.
“Baby girl,” I say softly, closing the album and setting it on the couch beside me. “Come here.”
I hold my arms open and she rushes into my lap. She’s crying openly about it now. It seems really silly, but I understand. I understand.
Chapter Seven
Katrina
The next morning, I’m still feeling foolish. But I do feel much better. At least the real reason I’ve been avoiding the wedding is out in the open now, and I can stop making stupid excuses to try and get David to back off.
It’s Sunday, so we have the day to spend together which we really need after such an emotionally draining day yesterday.
I’m in the kitchen, cooking up an omelette and brewing coffee. My plan is to take breakfast in to a sleeping David as a sorry for being such a pain in the arse.
I realise I could have ruined our whole relationship yesterday. All because I was too scared to admit that I had been planning our wedding since we were ten, and I didn’t have enough friends to pull it off. I feel horrible for making him feel like I didn’t want the world with him. So I’m trying in some small way to make up
for it.
“Good morning princess,” he says from behind me, his voice still gruff and sexy from sleep.
Smiling, I turn around to face him. “Princess now? I knew I shouldn’t have shown you that album.”
A grin spreads across his face and his eyes dance with amusement, as he slips his arms around my waist and pulls me against him. “I love the album Trina. I love that you always wanted to be my wife. I love that you still want to be my wife.”
He presses his mouth to mine and I slip my arms up around his shoulders and luxuriate in the feel of mouth. Morning breath and all.
Remembering the eggs on the stove I pull away quickly to check on the pan.
“It smells really good. Is that chorizo in there?”
“Yeah, I’m trying to make up for yesterday.”
“It ended well. So there’s nothing to make up for,” he tells me, dropping a kiss on the back of my neck as he reaches into the cupboard to grab two plates for us.
Using the spatula, I halve the omelette and slide it onto both of our plates. David has already poured our coffees and is carrying them to the table.
“You sure you don’t want breakfast in bed?” I ask, following him with the plates and some cutlery.
“Table’s fine. Although I’ll happily take breakfast here and then take you in bed. I wouldn’t mind an encore of last night’s stellar performance,” he suggests, eyebrows raised as he drags his eyes over my scantily clad body. I’m still in the singlet and tiny sleeping shorts I wear to bed.
“That could be arranged,” I tell him in my best sultry voice.
“Good,” he places his hands on either side of my chair and pulls me closer to him and kisses me. My head starts to swim with desire as he works his mouth, now tasting of coffee, against mine. When he pulls away, he brushes my hair back slightly and smiles at me. “I love you Trina,” he says seriously.
Commitment: The Beauty in Between (A Beautiful Series Novella) Page 3
