Raven

by Ashley Suzanne

  “Listen to me. I’ve always wanted to be your girlfriend, but you never gave me any indication that you felt the same way. I wasn’t about to ruin our friendship over my feelings. I need you in my life too much for that. When Eli asked, and you didn’t say anything, I thought it was because you weren’t interested. I’ll call Eli later and tell him that I won’t be going to this game, or any other games, with him.”

  “So you’ll be my girlfriend?” The most adorable grin spreads across his lips, almost childlike, so full of glee and unadulterated happiness.

  For the second time today, my response is the same. “All you had to do was ask.”

  ****

  Friday morning at school, I’m surprised to find a gift bag in my locker. Setting my backpack on the floor and the books in my hand on the top shelf, I remove the tissue paper only to have a white jersey with red lettering stare back at me. Pulling it out of the bag, the red number four on the back makes my heart flutter. Garrett’s away jersey.

  As tears spring to my eyes, Garrett rounds the corner with a few of his basketball buddies, wearing his home jersey—identical in every way to the one in my hands, except it’s red with white lettering. As he passes by me, he winks and blows a small air kiss. Not wasting any time, I pull the jersey over my head, over my tank top, and silently send thanks to my mom in Heaven for not allowing me to wear a skirt today.

  Even after everything nasty I said, you still look out for me. Thank you.

  At my last school, it was common practice for the girlfriends of the players to wear their jersey, either home or away depending on the location of the game that night. Since I never really dated, I never got to experience this. And this … it feels fantastic.

  Walking down the hall to my class just before lunch, I run smack into Valerie. I mean, really, if looks could kill, she would have killed me and brought me back to life just so she could do it all over again. This girl is not my biggest fan and I’d do well to just ignore her. Regardless of her feelings for Garrett, it’s me he chose. It’s me who’s loved him since I was a little girl. She’s just going to have to kick rocks.

  Thankfully, I don’t have to see her the rest of the day and it’s not long before the final bell of the day rings. Meeting Garrett in our usual spot, he stops in front of me, urging me to get on his back. I ride piggy-back the entire way to his truck and he deposits me safely in the passenger seat.

  “Even though Coach is mad at me, he’s letting me start tonight. Since you have experience in cheering, I’m gonna need you in those stands screaming my name.” Oh, all the ways I could take that.

  “Your name’s the only one I wanna scream,” I respond, winking. “Why’s Coach mad? Did you screw up in practice or something?”

  “No, I didn’t screw up. I’m always perfect. Haven’t you met me?”

  “Well then, what happened? Are you too perfect for him? Is he jealous of your mad basketball skills? Maybe he thinks you want his job after you graduate.”

  “No,” he laughs. “I’ve been missing a half hour of practice every day to drive you home. He was pretty pissed, but I’m still the best player he has and he knows it. And there’s no way for me to take his job. I won’t be around next season.”

  “Wait, you’ve been missing time so I had a ride home? Elaine could have picked me up or I could have ridden the bus!” I yell, startling him.

  “That’s not the point. I’m not having my girl ride the bus. Coach can get over it. He did actually. I stay an hour later than the other guys and spend time on the weekends practicing. Like I said, I’m the best he has.”

  “Whatever. That’s not the point. You shouldn’t be going out of your way for me. What if you miss practice and screw up in a game? You won’t get any scholarships.” Worry crosses my face. What if I’ve cost him his future? There’s no doubt that if he’s the best the school has, he’ll have scouts hounding him.

  “It’s fine, Rian. I don’t need a scholarship.”

  “Are your grades that good? I don’t remember you being the class genius, Garrett.”

  “Ri, I’m going to the Army. I enlisted a few months ago and I leave for basic about a week after graduation.” I feel like he’s just hit me with a ton of bricks. Why did he wait so long to tell me he was leaving? And for the Army no less. I know he’s from a military family, but hell, shouldn’t he have told me this?

  “I don’t know what to say,” I whisper, lost in my own thoughts. He’s going to leave me just like everyone else did. What if he goes to war and dies? What if he finds a new girl and I’m left here wishing he’d come back to me? What if everything goes to shit when he leaves like last time?

  “There’s nothing much to say, really. I always knew I’d enlist. It’s kind of a rite of passage in my house. As soon as I turned eighteen, I met with them and signed the papers. I’d already be gone, but you have to have a high school diploma.”

  “What about us?” I can’t believe I’m being so selfish right now, but dammit, I’ve waited all these years to feel an ounce of what I do when I’m with him, and in a few short months he’s going to be gone. Boyfriend or not, being back in each other’s lives only confirms that everything seems to be better when he’s around.

  “You’ll be here. After you graduate next year, we can figure out where to go from there. I’m hoping I get stationed somewhere nearby after basic, but that’s no guarantee. We’ve gone three years apart and we picked up where we left off. Another year isn’t going to matter. I’m still your boyfriend and you’re still my girlfriend. ”

  “You don’t think it’s going to matter?” I scream in frustration, throwing my hands in the air and hitting my knuckles on the roof of the truck. “You think I can go back to missing you? Missing the person I am when we’re together? Not having you by my side? Not kissing you whenever I want to? You think it’s going to be that easy?”

  “What do you think would happen if I went off to college? It’s no different. Some of the scouts that want me are from schools in Michigan and Indiana. You gonna drive six hours just to kiss me? No, you wouldn’t. I’ve always had this future planned out for me. I’m sorry if it hurts your feelings, but this is life, Rian. It’s what I have to do.” I don’t think he’s trying to be an ass or make me sad. He’s probably frustrated like me. Still, it hurts.

  Letting the tears fall, I flip my head forward, piling all my hair on top and tying it in a bun. “Can you just take me home, please?”

  “The game, Rian. You’re supposed to go with me.”

  “Fine, but after the game, I’d like to go straight home. I’m in no mood to laugh and be happy when my best friend just told me he’s leaving me … again. It hurt when I was thirteen, it kills now.”

  ****

  I spend the majority of the game in the bathroom, trying not to vomit. The remainder, I do exactly as promised—cheer him on from the bleachers with a smile on my face. As soon as the game ends and Garrett receives his pats on the back from the coaches, he drives me straight home. The second we get in the truck, the grin fades and I have no problem showing my true emotions.

  Terrified.

  Petrified that no matter how hard we’d try, it won’t be enough and I’ll be alone yet again. It’s hard enough thinking that in a few months he’s going to graduate, and come next August, I’ll start my senior year without any real friends. At least if he was in college nearby, it wouldn’t be so hard. But he won’t be. He could be halfway around the world with no contact with me at all. Some women are cut out to be with men in the service, I’m just not one of them.

  “Can we talk about this, Rian?” Garrett pleads.

  “Not tonight. I really need to think. I don’t know if I can be with you, only to watch you walk out of my life again. It was because of the Army you left me the first time. It wasn’t your choosing, but this time…”

  “It’s not my choice anymore, Rian. When I enlisted, I didn’t know you’d be moving here and we’d end up together. I just followed the plan my dad set for m
e the day I was born. I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t have enlisted if you had been here, but we could’ve talked about it. I signed the papers, Ri. I’m property of the government and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  He’s right. Short of running away to Canada or Mexico, he’s stuck. Even if he did run, I’m sure that’s a crime and he’d be in a lot of trouble.

  “I really just need the night to think about everything. I’ll see you in the morning, if you still wanna go to the lake,” I say as we pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex.

  “I’d like that. Call me when you get up. Rian,” he says, stopping me from getting out of the truck, “see you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah,” I return his gesture with another fake smile plastered on my lips that probably looks as terrible as it tastes. I hate being fake. I hate putting up a front. All I can think about is how long my mom kept everything hidden before I knew things were bad with her and Tom.

  My mom.

  That’s who I need right now. She’d know exactly what to do. Since I don’t have her anymore, all I can do is talk to Elaine and hope she has some advice for me.

  If not … I’ll just hope my mom sends me a sign somehow.

  Chapter 6

  Walking into the dark apartment, it’s clear that Elaine has already gone to bed for the night. Getting up at five in the morning to work a second job so she can support me pisses me off, but what can I do? With summer right around the corner, I’ll be in a better place to get a job and start contributing. It’ll be much easier since I don’t cheer anymore. I have more than enough free time.

  Free time.

  That’s exactly what I’ll have once Garrett leaves. This is probably one of those times that I have to grow up and act like the adult I damn near am, but it’s not as easy as one might think. All I want to do is spend time with him. After missing him for so long, I finally have him, and now I have to send him off to boot camp like it’s normal.

  Stepping into my bedroom, I find all my clothes washed and folded, lying on the bed. Elaine really is the best. My mom’s estate money came in this week and I think it would be pretty cool to buy Elaine something special for being so good to me. Especially since she doesn’t have to. It feels wrong to leave all that money just sitting there.

  Throwing my dresses and blouses on hangers, I look at the picture of me on the nightstand every time I come back for something new to hang.

  “You found your Bobby, baby girl.”

  I wished for a sign to show me that Garrett and I are meant to be, and I think I found it. Even when he leaves, and I’m miserable, a few months of being with him would be more than enough to last a lifetime. Deciding to call Garrett and let him know my decision, I dial his line.

  “Hello,” a friendly, warm voice answers. One that I know very well and forgot how much I missed.

  “Hi, Mrs. Rhodes. I’m sorry it’s so late, but is Garrett home?”

  “I think he’s pulling in the driveway right now. May I ask who’s calling?”

  “Sure, it’s Rian.”

  “Oh, Rian, sweetheart. How are you? It’s been so long.” Her gleeful voice makes me smile and remember all the times I spent with her growing up.

  “I’m good, thanks for asking.”

  “Garrett told me about your mom. I’m so sorry, sweetheart. If you need anything, you call me immediately. When Garrett told me you moved to town, I just knew it was fate. You two were always inseparable as kids. I’m so happy you have each other again.”

  “Yeah. I miss her, but it’s really, really nice to have a familiar face in a new town. Garrett’s been looking out for me. He’s a good one.” Saying his name widens my grin. This is the real thing.

  “He better be. I raised him to be that way,” she jokes, laughing softly. “Oh, well, here’s my son. It was really nice talking to you again, Rian. Don’t be a stranger. I’d love to catch up.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Thank you.”

  “She didn’t talk your ear off did she?” Garrett asks, taking the phone from his mom.

  “Yeah, we talked about that one time when you were eight and wet the bed. Then we went through your Backstreet Boys phase.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “No, we didn’t talk for long, plus, I know how much you loved N*Sync. I missed her.”

  “Ha. It was so Ninety-Eight Degrees that I wanted to be like. Is everything okay? What’s up? It can’t be more than twenty minutes since I dropped you off.”

  “Just wanted to let you know that I think I can deal with the Army stuff. I mean, I can. I don’t want to, but I’ll do anything for you. I’ll miss you, but I wanna be with you.” I impatiently wait for his response. It feels like hours have gone by before he finally speaks again.

  “You have no idea how happy that makes me. It’s gonna be hard, Ri, but there’s a reason you’re back in my life,” he whispers.

  “Well, I’m gonna get some sleep. I’m excited for the lake tomorrow.”

  “Me too, baby. I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.” Garrett immediately back peddles, trying to take back his last sentiment. “Rian, I’m sorry … I didn’t mean … I mean, I do love you … Shit,” he stutters and all I can do is blush. In one breath, he’s managed to call me a pet name, which hasn’t ever happened to me before, and he told me he loves me.

  “Don’t be sorry, Garrett. I love you, too. I think I have from the second we met. I’m actually kinda glad you said it first. I didn’t wanna be that girlfriend that’s professing her love after only dating for a little while,” I respond, needing to calm his nerves. I do love him. He’s been my knight in shining armor for as long as I can remember and knowing that he feels the same for me has my heart racing.

  “I just wanted it to be special when I told you, that’s all. I screwed it all up,” he mutters. I can picture him in my head, pacing back and forth, picking at his fingernails and his head burrowed into his chest to disguise the embarrassment. It’s actually quite adorable.

  “Everything you say to me is special. Say it again.”

  “Don’t. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make it perfect, I promise.”

  “Garrett. Tell. Me. Again. Please.”

  “Rian,” he pleads. My face hurts from smiling for so long. Garrett is one of the most stubborn perfectionists I’ve ever known. I should leave him alone and let him do it his way, but I crave to hear those sweet words pass his lips one more time.

  “Alright then, I’ll let you go and see you tomorrow,” I say, a little disappointed.

  “Rian, I love you. I love you so damn much. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, at our place, but now that I’ve said it once, I can’t not say it again. I love you. I love you. I love you,” he blurts out, all sounding like a giant run on sentence, but I got my way and it’s heaven to my ears.

  He loves me.

  “I love you, Garrett.”

  After five more minutes of him saying “I love you” as many times as he can fit into one breath, then the fighting over who’s going to hang up first, I nestle in my bed, the phone still clutched to my ear. Sometime about an hour or so later, I manage to close my eyes and listen to him breathe as I drift off to sleep.

  ****

  It’s no surprise that I wake extra early the next morning. Containing my excitement, I wait until after eight to call Garrett to let him know I’ll be ready soon for our date. Taking a quick shower, I let my hair air dry, throw on a skirt and tank with my bathing suit underneath and sit on the stoop until I hear his truck pulling into the lot.

  “Hey,” he says as I pull myself into the cab. He offered to come help me, but for some reason I feel the need to show him I can do this on my own. Maybe it’s my subconscious working, telling me that I can get by without him when he’s gone.

  Climbing across the bench seat of his pickup, I rest my head on Garrett’s shoulder as he drives to the lake. I take his hand in mine, threading our fingers together. If I’m only going to have a few months with Garrett until our liv
es change forever, I’d be a damn fool to not take advantage of it. There’s that old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” or something like that. I heard it a lot in books and movies. Maybe I’m growing up because I understand and agree with that statement.

  So deep in love. It’s terrifying. For the second time in my life, Garrett has the capability of shattering me into pieces by leaving. And again, I’m going to let him.

  When we get to the lake, we find it abandoned. I was sure that some other kids from school would be here, seeing as there aren’t any clouds in the sky and it’s already over seventy degrees. I’m not complaining, I’m actually really looking forward to some alone time with Garrett.

  “Do you wanna swim before we go on the pontoon?” Garrett asks, dragging me from my thoughts.

  “Pontoon? Since when do you have one?” I’m obviously caught off guard and the sweet smile, showing off only the top row of his perfectly aligned, white teeth causes me to return the grin.

  “I don’t, but my parents do. They keep it docked across the lake at one of my dad’s friend’s house and said we can use it today, if you want that is.”

  “Hell yeah. I wanna swim for a bit first,” I say, slipping out of my skirt and top.

  While I was waiting for an appropriate time to call Garrett this morning, I made a quick trip to the store now that Mom’s money cleared. I bought a few necessities, including a new bikini that I hope Garrett appreciates. It’s nothing special, just an off the rack two piece from Wal-Mart. I hope he doesn’t think it’s too cheap, especially when the other girls flaunt around in their latest Victoria’s Secret purchases. If the desire clouding his eyes is any indication that he wants me, I know I did well.

  “Are you coming?” I ask, walking into the lake until the cool water splashes around my knees, sending a small shiver up my spine and tiny goose bumps appear on my tanned skin.

  “Yep,” he responds, smirking. It takes me a second to get the double meaning of my loaded question and the fact that he’s staring at the thin material covering my breasts. I refuse to look down, already knowing why he’s gawking. Without breaking his gaze from mine, Garrett walks to where I’m wading and looks down into my eyes.