How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You

by Leil Lowndes

  Let us now proceed into deeper, more subliminal waters. Before we start our journey, however, I ask only one thing of you. Please suspend any preconceived notions of what you should and should not do in a relationship. Much of what you have heard is probably excellent advice for keeping a relationship warm for many years, but that is not our stated mission here. Our ambition is more cunning: It is to get someone to fall in love with you. For that, we need some of the extremely subtle techniques that follow.

  PART TWO

  COMPLIMENTARY NEEDS

  LOVER JUST LIKE DEAR OLD ME

  (WELL, ALMOST)!

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  This Mad, Mad World"

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  You've heard the old chestnut, "Opposites attract."

  Mom and Dad undoubtedly told you, "Birds of a feather flock together." Sound like contradictions, don't they? In the magically insane, yet scientifically rational universe of romantic love, they're not.

  All the studies tell us lovers are drawn to partners with similar attitudes, values, interests, and outlooks on life. In our fastpaced world of so many stimuli bombarding us every minute, our heads are spinning.

  We constantly ask ourselves, "How should I feel about that? What should I believe?" With the grains of so many truths and so many lies whirling 'round our brains, we wonder "What makes sense?"

  Finally, when we find someone who has come to the same conclusions about the world, we feel a tremendous sense of relief. We feel close to this person. Love romanticizes that closeness into, "It's you and me, baby, alone against this mad, mad world."

  When people construct a little cocoon around themselves and cohabit in it with a partner who feels the same way about life, it gives order to a chaotic world. They can spend their nights together in a warm womb where unknown forces and

  threatening values can't assault them. Similarity makes lovers feel secure.

  It's not just for security that we seek similarity. If people want long-term love, they know it's a wise choice. The studies-show that similar partners have a much better chance of stay ing together. Similar values keep the love coals warm long after the first flames of passion have cooled.

  Similarity . . . and a Touch of Difference (Just a Touch)

  Similarity is safe. Yet too much similarity, over time, becomes boring, so people seek differences, too. But here's the rub: They only seekcertain kinds of differences.

  Lovers want qualities that are just different enough to keep the relationship interesting but not different enough to interfere with their own lifestyle. They choose partners who can give them new experiences, expose them to new ideas, teach them new skills, improve their lifestyle, and make up for their lacks.

  They also look for complementary qualities in a partner. Complementary means something that

  "completes or brings to perfection." For instance, a bashful man might be drawn to a gabby mate to make up for his own shyness. A woman lacking in worldly sophistic ation might be impressed with a man who knows his wines. Lovers are not looking for something different in a partner, just something different enough to fit in with their lives and bring them, as a couple, to "perfection."

  Sometimes you hear of men and women who crave qualities entirely different in their partners. It happens. For example, a man brought up on the tight leash of a blue-blooded family might take a walk on the wild side with a street-smart woman. That street-smart woman might long for a limousine, a butler, and a maid. But, even when these two find what thetyhink they want, such liaisons don't usually last long. Rarely do they result in a long-term happy marriage.

  How can you use this knowledge, that lovers seek similarity with a touch of difference, to make someone fall in love

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  with you? Unfortunately, when you first meet your Quarry, you don't know enough about him. You don't have enough data to hint that, although you are similar, you are just different enough to be the right partner for her. So you must start with what you perceive. Observe your Quarry carefully. Then begin highlighting your similarities. If all goes well, you'll have time later to gauge what "different" qualities would complement his or her life.

  All the studies on initial attraction establish this fact: Attraction to a stranger is a function of the proportion of similarity the subjects perceive31. Perceive is the key word here. Barring a frontal lobotomy, you can't change your attitudes, your values, your emotional makeup, or your outlook on life toactuallymake you similar to your Quarry. You don't yet have enough knowledge about your new Quarry to even start spouting similar philosophies, hinting at similar convictions, and alluding to

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  similar aesthetics. However, you can arm yourself with a bag of savory subtle tricks to make your Quarry perceive you are similar.

  In the following pages, I will arm you with verbal and nonverbal techniques to make your Quarry feel that the two of you are very much alike indeed. Some of the techniques are subliminal. Others are overt.

  But they all work.

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  How to Instantly Make Your Quarry Feel,

  "Why, We're Just Alike!"

  Have you ever met anyone and immediately felt,

  "This person and I have a lot in common"? Instant charisma, instant chemistry, instant intimacy, instant liking.

  Conversely, you might have met someone and thought, "This individual is from a different planet!"

  Instant apathy, instant indifference, instant coldness, instant dislike.

  Every time you meet someone, you have sentiments ranging between the two extremes. You couldn't put your finger on why you felt that way. You just somehow sensed it.

  You probably weren't conscious of it, but their choice of words had a lot to do with how you felt about them.

  Likewise, your choice of words exposed a lot about you to your Quarry. Our words reveal how we think.

  Our words peg us into one social class or another.

  Our words hint at our professional affiliation, our philosophical leanings, our interests, and even our outlook on life. Our seemingly arbitrary choice of words reveals how we perceive the world.

  In certain European countries, it's more obvious.

  There can be five or ten languages, or dialects, within the mother tongue.

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  When two people who speak the same dialect are introduced to each other somewhere outside of their region, they practically fall into each other's arms in recognition of their similar backgrounds.

  We have dialects, too. We just aren't aware of them.

  America—bigger than all of Western Europe—has thousands of what we'll calldialects . These are different ways of speaking that depend on our region, our job, our interests, and our upbringing. Maybe it's because our country is so large that our language, American English, is so bountiful in its number of words. Whatever the reason, American English has a richer choice of words for saying the same things than practically any other language.

  To establish similarity, you can employ a subliminal linguistic device that is easy to use but punches a Page 97

  powerful wallop. You can make your Quarry feel that you are part of his or her family just by your choice of words.

  Words to Give Your Quarry "That Family Feeling"

  Cliques of people use the same phrases. Family members and friends use the same words with each other. Colleagues in a company or members in a club talk alike. Everyone you meet has his or her own language that subliminally distinguishes family, friends, and coworkers from outsiders. The words all may be English, but the choices vary from area to area, industry to industry, and even family to family.

  Perhaps you don't notice it, but your Quarry has a special way of speaking that links him or her to a special world of family, friends, job, and outlook on life. To give the subliminal feeling to your Quarry that you are like him or her, you canecho these words.

  All it takes is a little careful listening.

  Words have different connotat
ions to different people.

  You remember from school that a word's denotation is what it liter-Page 99

  ally means. Theconnotation is all the meanings, the atmosphere surrounding it—how the word feels. To make your Quarry feel close to you, use the exact words he or she does.

  Gentlemen, suppose you have just been introduced to an attractive young divorcée. In early conversation, she talks about her child, or maybe she sayskid, infant, toddler, tot, or youngster . Probably everyone in her family uses the same word, so, when talk ing with her, use whatever word sheuses to refer to the little tyke. When you echo her word, she subliminally feels a closeness to you—like you're already part of her family.

  My doctor is a young mother. During one of our early conversations, she mentioned her newborn. I knew the meaning of newborn, but it's not a word I use every day. In fact, I don't remember ever using the word newborn in conversation. But I asked her, ' Who looks after your newborn while you're working?'' She smiled at me. I sensed the warmth and connection she felt with me when I used her word, newborn.

  Ladies, say you are at a party chatting with a man.

  He's talking about his job, his profession, his assignment, or his commission. Be sure to use his word for his work. For example, if he were a lawyer, he'd have said profession . If you said job, he might be put off. Whereas if the handsome stranger you were talking to were a construction worker, he'd think you were being hoity-toity if you said profession .

  Various Quarry even use different words for the place they go to work. Lawyers say they go to the firm, broadcasters say station , architects say office , and publishing people talk about their

  publishinghouse. Echoing is crucial when you are discussing someone's job or main interest because using the wrong word can blatantly label you an outsider, a know-nothing in his or her world. People instinctively tune out someone who has little understanding of their life. Since your words reveal how much you know about their world, don't inadvertently use the wrong ones.

  Booking and gigboth mean a work engagement.

  Gentlemen, if you are talking with a fashion model, you'd better say book -

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  ingif you want to keep the beautiful woman's interest.

  Ladies, if you're talking with a young pop musician, you'd better saygig, or the dude will think you're pretty lame. If you use just one wrong word, you've struck a sour note.

  Remember myPMF (platonic male friend), Phil?

  Once we were at a party. He was standing nearby, and I overheard him chatting with an attractive actress. She was excitedly describing a new play she had just been cast in. I heard her tell Phil that she was really enjoying the rehearsals. It also sounded like she was really enjoying her conversation with Phil.

  "Oh," Phil piped up. "How often do youpractice ?" Whoops! Having some friends in the theater, I knew how that one would land. That was the last

  question the pretty actress stayed around for. The word isrehearse , friend, notpractice .

  TECHNIQUE #25:

  ECHOING

  Early in a budding relationship, you don't know enough about your Quarry to invoke his values, her attitudes, or

  his interests. But you can hint that you feel just like your Quarry does. Simply listen carefully to the seemingly arbitrary choice of words and echo them back.

  It's arbitrary. Naturally, actresses practice before the show opens, but stage performers never use that word.

  They sayrehearse. If Phil knew so little about her world as to saypractice, how interesting could he be to that actress?

  Not ten minutes later, Phil struck again, this time in a group conversation. A gorgeous Suzie Chaffee lookalike was boasting that she had just bought a wonderful ski chalet in the mountains. "Great," said Phil. "Where is your cabin?"

  Her smile collapsed along with her opinion of Phil.

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  Dumbfounded, I couldn't resist later asking my buddy,

  "Phil, why did you insult her by calling her chalet a cabin?"

  "What do you mean?" asked Phil, genuinely confused.C"abinis a lovely word. My family has a beautiful cabin on Cape Cod, and cabin holds marvelous associations for me." OK, Phil, but the shapely skier obviously didn't like that word. (Or Phil either, now. )

  A new relationship is a budding flower. Uttering one wrong word can crush the little seedling before it ever has a chance to grow.

  "We Even Speak the Same (Body) Language"

  America the Beautiful is all the more so due to our cultural diversity. Happily, most people don't speak comfortably of class or social status, but we have an undeniable richness and a variety of cultural backgrounds unknown anywhere else in the world.

  Americans don't advertise their class and money on their forehead like a high-caste Hindu woman's jewel, but someone's background usually becomes evident after just a few minutes of talking. People with a different upbringing, of course, speak differently and dress differently. Were you aware that they also move differently?

  While traveling around the country giving talks, I occasionally cross paths with a woman named Genie Polo Sayles. Genie is a dynamic brunette who does a scandalously charming seminar called "How to Marry the Rich." (God bless our freedom of speech!) Genie tells this story. Once a TV crew followed her to a Las Vegas casino for an interview. The reporter grilled her on how to tell if someone was rich. "Oh, you just know," she countered confidently.

  "OK," the reporter challenged. "Pick out the richest man in the casino."

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  Keenly and swiftly, Genie's sharp eyes skimmed the tables. Her scanning gaze came to an abrupt halt on a young man in jeans and an old plaid shirt. With the instinct and precision of a hunting dog, she pointed a long red fingernail directly at him and anno unced,

  "He's very rich."

  The reporter, gasping in disbelief, interrogated her,

  "How can you tell?" "He moves like old money,"

  Genie announced.

  Yes, Hunters and Huntresses, there is moving likeoldmoney, moving likenewmoney, and moving like nomoney. To capture the heart of the Quarry of your choice, move like his or her class.

  I actually became aware that people from various walks of life move in different ways when I was in college. My room-mate was a television junkie, and the constantly yammering box drove me to distraction. Out of desperation I bought her a headset so I could study in peace or simply savor the silence.

  But the flickering box had a hypnotic effect. Often my eyes would be drawn to the small silent screen.

  Because I couldn't hear the sound, I became acutely aware of how people have a different manner of gesturing, of walking. I even detected differences in how they sat down.

  For instance, an actress playing the part of a well-bred or wealthy woman would first bend her knees, gracefully lower her body onto the edge of the chair, and then smoothly slide back. Whereas

  a Beverly Hillbilly would make a fanny dive, plopping down in the middle of the sofa.

  For some people, classis engraved on their Lovemap.

  We will not address the issue of right or wrong here, nor will we delve into a discussion of how, hopefully, times are changing. The Bible says "love thy neighbor," and many people will obey, as long as their "neighbor" is from the right side of the tracks.

  For others, the wrong side of the tracks is the right side. They have no desire to marry up and are much more comfortable with people from their own background. Such folks are the wise ones. Studies show that marriages between people

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  from similar backgrounds last longer and are happier than cross-caste liaison3s2.

  Right after college, I decided to give myself a paid vacation and see the world. I took a job as a flight attendant with an international airline. Passengers called sutsewardesses in those days. Worse, some fresh men called usstews , and we retaliated by tagging themstew-bums . My best girlfriend was another Pan Am stewardess, a spunky and attractive girl named Sandra. Together,
we discovered that there were a lot of stewbums who weren't bums at all.

  We especially liked working the first-class cabin because, on long international flights, it was very relaxed. Often, perched on their armrests or standing in the galley, Sandra and I would enjoy chatting with our passengers. On one flight, two very elegant single gentlemen were traveling first class to Paris. They asked if we were free to join them that evening for dinner at a top Parisian restaurant.

  "We'd love to!" I said. But Sandra hesitated. She ran back into the lavatory and motioned me to follow. "Sandy, why?" I asked her, closing the door of the john behind us. "They seem very nice." "Well,"

  she explained, "I'm just not comfortable aroundthosetype of people." "What, men?" I asked.

  "No. You know," she said. "So, uh, high-class."

  Sandra explained that she was comfortable chatting with them as long as she was on the plane because she knew her place, but being with them in a fancy restaurant would intimidate her.

  I was dumbfounded. I hadn't been weaned on caviar and champagne, but I had assumed that everybody would at least like to try it. Wrong! Many people only feel comfortable in relationships with people from their own background.

  Incidentally, here's the ending to the Sandra story. A few months after turning down the "high-class" dates, Sandra resigned from Pan Am to marry a short-order cook from Queens, New York.

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  And the last time I spoke with her, she was very, very happy.

  TECHNIQUE #26:

  COPY THEIR CLASS ACT

  Hunters and Huntresses pursuing pedigreed prey should move differently from those stalking a wild cat. The polo-and-port set has a very different body language from the bowling-and-beer crowd.

  Watch how he walks, how she sits down, how he gestures, how she holds her cup. Thenmove like the class of your Quarry.

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  The Three Crucial Conscious Similarities Page 105

  After you've built a sound base of subconscious similarity with your Quarry, it's time to show your affinity in three critical ways. The following similarities, or lack of them, will show up at various stages of your relationship.