by Leil Lowndes
Here is a safer technique to extract the information you need. Make it nonthreatening for him to open up and tell you what he expects from a relationship by removing it from the realm of the personal.
TECHNIQUE #30
(MORE APPROPRIATE FOR HUNTRESSES):
WHAT SHOULD I SAY LOVE IS?
Huntresses, you must find out what tacit assumptions your Quarry has about relationships.
To make your question nonthreatening, tell him one of your young friends or relatives (perhaps a niece or nephew) has asked you what an ideal love relationship should be. Since you don't know how to answer, you are asking his advice: "What do you think I should say the ideal relationship is, hmm?"
Then listen. Listenhard.
Huntresses, thank him for his counsel. Then chisel what he says into your psyche.
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One word concerning timing: Don't ask about the status of your relationship too early. Wait until the two of you have reached some degree of intimacy, lest your Quarry suspect why you are asking. After your Quarry has developed affectionate feelings for yo u, he or she will probably appreciate the intent of your question.
That doesn't mean you should wait beforethinking about this crucial type of similarity. It's never too soon to raise your antennae to pick up what he or she wants from a relationship. Listen between the lines whenever your Quarry is talking about previous lovers, parents, friends, or any relationships.
Finally comes a very big challenge. As the relationship progresses, you must do everything you can to make your Quarry feel you love him or her—
not in the way you want to love, but in precisely the way your Quarry wants to be loved.
You will find more guidance on this important subtlety, including some of the right words to use, in the final two sections ofHow to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You .
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"I Got Just What You Need, Baby"
I remember once, as a very little girl, asking my mother what made a Mommy and a Daddy want to get married. She recited the following nursery rhyme to me.
Jack Spratt could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean.
So, between them both, you see, They licked the platter clean.
For years, I felt that grownups always fell in love with someone who was different. On the surface I wasn't wrong. The studies show that, basically, men and women seek someone similar. As we have examined, lovers seek someone with similar interests, simila r values, and similar ways of looking at the world and at relationships. This is the deep stuff.
However, superimposed on the similarity is a surface layer of difference. Lovers also look for complementary qualities to bring them, as a couple, to completion. Some people seek qualities to make up for their lacks. A man who can't boil an egg appreciates a good cook. A woman who doesn't know a fan belt
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from a fuel pump appreciates a lover who knows what's going on under the hood of her car. A man who can't balance a checkbook is impressed that his sweetheart knows how to read the stock market ticker.
Your Quarry will appreciate your complementary differences.
Maybe.
precisely what complementary qualities your Quarry likes
and which leave him or her cold (or, worse, which make your Quarry jealous or hostile).
How do you do this? You can casually ask about your Quarry's previous relationships. "What did you like about Jim?" "What held you and Sue together?"
"What was Dan's best quality?" ''What was Betty's strength?''
You'll hear an unbelievable variety of answers. "Jim was so handy; he could fix anything. Sue always read the paper and let me know what was going on in the world. Dan was really gregarious, and we had so many friends when we were together. Betty was a sup er bargain hunter, so we always got the best deal in anything we bought."
Keep your ears open and your love computer receiving data. Pretty soon a picture starts to emerge.
If you have a skill that your Quarry needs (and is lousy at), you've hit pay dirt. If you have a trait your Quarry wisheshe or she had, bingo! That's the complementary quality that your Quarry needs in a long-term relationship.
TECHNIQUE #31:
I GOT JUST WHAT YOU NEED
From time to time, casually ask what qualities your Quarry admired in his or her previous lovers.
At a later date, when your Quarry has forgotten you had asked, start hinting at what a hotshot you are in those areas.
Lovers, beware. Don't reveal complementary qualities too soon. The studies show that partners seek these assets later in the relationship,after they're secure in their basic similarity3.5 After you have established your similarity with the previous five techniques, this one puts the final pegs in the right holes to make you and your Quarry a perfect fit.
Let us now move on to an unbeatable recipe to conquer the heart of your choice. In the next section, we will cook up some delicious specialties to feed the ego monster and then make it become addicted to the diet you offer.
PART THREE
ME? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS
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Quarry
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There is one conviction every man and every woman in the western world shares. That is the certitude, "I am different. I am unique. I am special. No matter how ordinary I may appear to the outside world, inside I know I am a singular sensation."
Some lucky children were raised in an atmosphere of unconditional love. Many less fortunate ones weren't.
And then there is the majority—those who grew upthinking they enjoyed unconditional
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love—only to find that there were strings attached.
And Mommy's and Daddy's love really wasn't unconditional after all.
Many people spend the rest of their lives desperately searching for that someone who will help them recapture the childhood dream of unconditional love.
They convince themselves, "Someday, somewhere, someone will come along. This individual will recognize my specialness over all other ordinary individuals. He or she will love me for being me. Not for my physical beauty, not for my money, but forme, for the essence of me."
Make your Quarry feel you are that person. Your reward is that he or she will fall in love with you.
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You can make your Quarry perceive that you are the person who will give unconditional love, but you must go about it subtly. Premature, inappropriate compliments can turn your Quarry off.
Ego Massage Is a Highly Skilled Craft
A skillful ego massage is not just giving compliments.
It is gaining a thorough understanding of your Quarry's self-image and then fostering it. Your Quarry's ideal self-image is crucial data in planning your menu to nourish his or her ego and thus win his or her love.
Not everyone wants to feel brilliant or beautiful.
There are those who want to be perceived as Mr.
Clean, a playboy, a Lolita, a sweet little princess, or a crazy, wonderful kinda crackpot genius. The variety of self-images is incalculable. The secret is not to blatantly compliment but to support your Quarry's self-image.
From your first conversation, you must listen between the lines to uncover how your Quarry sees himself or herself. The pools where people behold the most ideal reflections of themselves are the eyes of the men and women they fall in love with.
Feeding your Quarry's ideal self-image is critical for sustenance of the relationship. But it's also as perilous as handing raw meat to a ravenous lion or lioness.
Beware of insincere compliments or praise that misses the mark. One bad move and early love gets eaten alive.
A well-executed ego massage proceeds gracefully through four steps. It begins with making your Quarry feel that, because of his magnetism, he has instantly captivated you. Then, as you and your Quarry are chatting, you must make him sense strong empathy flowing from you.
Step three is to start interjecting yo
ur approval. Now, as your Quarry reveals more of himself to you, you may begin to bestow implied compliments. Along the way you can develop private jokes and other techniques that we will learn to make
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him feel special. Finally, when your Quarry senses that you realize how special he is, he is ready for the big guns, killer compliments.
Skilled praise is a powerful magnet. People react powerfully to praise, especially from someone they have just met. Explorations of couples who broke up prove that compliments from a new admirer carried a lot more clout than those from a current love3r.6 If you are currently in a relationship, the competition is tough. Your Quarry becomes immune to many of your casual compliments and wearies of them if they are inappropriate. Taken one for one, a strong on-target compliment from a new admirer is a much more stunning blow.
The same study showed that insults and digs from current lovers, spouses, and friends are more damaging than those from strangers. Because they hold more of a capacity to hurt or offend, current lovers play double jeopardy in the game of love. This is good news for you if you are the newcomer on the scene. Use your advantage. Strike while the iron is hot. If your Quarry is currently in a relationship which is in trouble, your compliments can be a salve to soothe sagging spirits and make your Quarry turn to you for a renewed self-image.
Let us now proceed on the step-by-step plan to make your Quarry feel that he or she has, at long last, found the person with the potential to giveunconditional love.
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Let Your Body Do the Praising
A wise sage once said, "Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly." When you first meet your Quarry, your body should shout, "I desire you irresistibly. My conscious mind may not know it yet, but see how my body is responding to yours."
Your first praise should be unspoken. You can silently praise your Quarry by showing instinctive body language deference. Upon first spotting him or her, you can even let your eyes do a subtle double take. Look once. Look away. Then let your eyes snap back as though they had a mind of their own.
Whiletalking,maintainprofoundeyecontactwiththiente nsegazetechnique.Use BedroomEyes to make your pupils grow large with appreciation. UseSticky Eyes to make your Quarry feel you
can't take your eyes away—even during silences.
Make sure your body focuses upon your Quarry's and that you are smiling, leaning slightly forward, and nodding in approvsaol f(ten ).
In short, use the body language techniques we previously discussed. During this crucial initial conversation with your Quarry, make sure you maintain your own confident posture.
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Force any thoughts of "How am I doing?" out of your mind. Your total concentration must be on Page 127
your Quarry and your discovery of how wonderful he or she is. Your demeanor should express, "I'm OK—
and youare wonderful!"
TECHNIQUE #32:
BODY PRAISE
When you meet your Quarry, give the subliminal sense that you are irresistibly drawn to him or her through deferential body language.
Choose from the earlier selection of eye and body techniques to express how he or she has captivated you.
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"I Can Identify with That!"
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As your Quarry is speaking, the next step is for you to imply rapport. Let your Quarry know you understand and agree with what he or she is saying.
Accomplish this by sprinkling noises or phrases of empathy, understanding, and sympathy—and occasionally your Quarry's name—throughout your conversation.
You can make simple sounds such as "Um, hum" or a purring "mmm-mmm." Or you can mouth supportive phrases like ' I can understand how you felt," "I can identify with that,'' "I sympathize with you," "I can imagine," or "I'd have done the same thing in your shoes." Use your Quarry's name at well-timed moments. It punctuates the conversation and serves as a potent empathizer.
Here is a conversation, slightly exaggerated, which employs empathizers and well-timed use of your Quarry's name. Let's say you are discussing tennis with a Potential Love Partner to whom you've just been introduced at a party.
Quarry: "No, I haven't played tennis in years. I love tennis, but I broke a couple of fingers in a car accident."
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You: "Oh, that's heart-breaking [empathizer]. You must miss tennis a lot [another empathizer]." Quarry:
"Yeah, I really do. I used to play every week."
You: "Oh, I understand how you feel [empathizer].
It's awful to want to do something so badly and not be able to. Have you found anything to replace your tennis?"
Quarry: "As a matter of fact, yes. Now I do a lot of in-line skating. And I love it—especially the speed."
You: "Oh, that's great, John [using your Quarry's name]. I can identify with that because I love speed, too [more empathizers]."
Obviously you wouldn't use empathizers in nearly every sentence, as the overanxious Hunter above did.
In moderation, however, powdering your
conversation with them soothes your Quarry's ego and makes him or her want to tell you more.
A word of warning. You do not want to come across as a fawning supplicant. Good body language is your insurance policy against that. Be sure to maintain your own poise and assured body position while you empathize with your Quarry.
TECHNIQUE #33:
EMPLOY EMPATHIZERS
Sprinkle empathetic phrases throughout your conversation with your Quarry. Dust your first discussion with phrases like "I see what you mean,"
"Yes, you were right," "I can relate to that,'' and the all-time favorite, ''I understand."
Many men think, early in a relationship, they must impress their female Quarry by telling her something wonderful, unique, interesting, or original about themselves. They try to captivate her with an interesting story, an amazing fact, a hilarious joke.
Even today, most men feel they must display more insights or show more knowledge to boost their status in a relationship.
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No, gentlemen. Early in a relationship it is more effective by far to show empathy with her if your goal is to have her love you. Traditionally, women are not accustomed to having the focus on themselves when they are talking with a new man.
Your Quarry will find you very special if you keep the spotlight on her. (Don't worry, gentlemen—you will have your chance to shine. A woman's instinct is to turn the warm rays around to you.)
In a new friendship, the smallest detail about their own lives is more interesting to most people than the most fascinating aspect of yours. That may change as you become more intimate friends, but, for the moment, your Quarry will find you more interesting if you concentrate on him or her.
TECHNIQUE #34:
KEEP THE SPOTLIGHT ON YOUR QUARRY
Think of your conversation with your Quarry as a giant spotlight. Every time it is shining on your Quarry, he or she is engrossed. If the spotlight revolves around to you or is aimed at someone or something else, your Quarry will find the conversation (and, thereforey,ou) less interesting.
Lovers Share Intimate Details
Everyone is the star of a novel calledMy Life .
Everybody feels "I'mspecial" and "EverythingIdo is memorable." Here's the key: People find others who share their opinion irresistible.
I grew up reading Nancy Drew novels. Nancy was the young detective heroine whose life was so exciting. So glamorous. So romantic. Soeverything my teenage life wasn't. Each book in the series began melodramatically: "Nancy, her long hair flowing in the wind, raced across the moors sensing something was awry at Grandmother's house." Wow!
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In my daydreams, I wrote novels about my life: "Leil, her braces gleaming in the sunshine, bounded into the house smelling that Mother had let a pot boil over on the stove." Well, my turning off the stove was not such a big feat as Nancy Drew's bounding off to solve a crime, but it wasmyli
fe, therefore exciting tome .
Everyone feels the same way. As your Quarry is brushing his teeth in the morning he is faced with momentous decisions like what to have for breakfast, which shoes to wear today, or whether to take time to floss or not.
Husbands, wives, and lovers share their minutiae.
"What do you want for breakfast, honey? You're not going to wearthoseshoes, are you? Did you remember to floss?"
Obviously, when you meet a new Quarry, you can't feign interest in what she had for breakfast or whether he flossed or forgot. But you can create another immediate intimacy. Simply make a point to remember the intimate details of her life.
Clever Hunters cater to their Quarry's craving to be a star through a technique I caltlracking . Just like air traffic controllers track aircraft on their radar screens, clever Hunters track the verbal traffic of their Quarry. If, in early conversation with your Quarry, he mentions he had Rice Krispies for breakfast, allude to it later. If, in chatting, she tells you she wore mismatched shoes to work one day, find a way to let the subject come up again later. It shows she is a memorable star in the galaxy of people you've met. Over time, such trifling pebbles meld to form rocks of intimacy.
As a relationship goes on, wise lovers keep a mental little black book of their Quarry's last concern, last enthusiasm, last conversation. They keep track of where their Quarry went, what their Quarry said, and what he or she was doing since they last spoke. When they talk again, thefirst words out of their mouth, either on the phone or in person, refers to it: "Joe?
Hi! How did your meeting go? Hello, Linda. Did your sister have her baby yet? So, Jim, did you survive that Szechuan restaurant you were going to last time we spoke? Diane, how's your toothache now?"
TECHNIQUE #35:
TRACKING
Like an air traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your Quarry's life. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story.
When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone's life, it confirms what they've known all along. They're the leading character in that riveting noveMl, y Life. They will love you for recognizing their stardom.
