by Leil Lowndes
Let your Quarry feel thatminorevents in his or her life aremajor concerns in yours. Lovers Have Private Jokes
Here is another delectable way to milk your Quarry's ego and squeeze out the first drops of love, even before it's suitable to give a full-blown compliment.
Happy, intimate couples share private jokes. They whisper phrases in each other's ears that mean nothing to anyone in the world but themselves.
With no lengthy explanation, playwright Neil Simon can make an entire Broadway audience understand that two performers on stage are either married or longtime lovers. Simon has the performers exchange a few words which make no sense to the audience, then both of them crack up. The audience gets the message: These two people are an item. You can create a similar impression of intimacy with your new Quarry. Simply find a private joke shared by just the two of you.
Here's how to set it up. Whenever your new Quarry is telling a story, either to you or to a group, remember some part of it that he or she obviously delights in.
Then weave a phrase, a little joke, that invokes your Quarry's favorite part.
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Occasionally, I go out with an English chap named Charles. When I first spotted Charles at a party, he was telling a group of friends about his hiking trip in the mountains with several other men. A few hours into their expedition, Charles told us, they came upon a steep mountain covered with loose falling rocks. He and his mates didn't want to scale the dangerous terrain, but of course none of the macho men, including Charles, would admit they were afraid.
Charles happened to have a large thermos of hot tea in his backpack. As the brave hikers stood there gazing up at the peak skeptically like frightened little boys, Charles made a suggestion. In his terribly British accent, he proposed, "Oh, do let's have a cup of tea first." Great idea! Everyone dove for a seat. As they squatted on the rocks gulping tea, they planned an alternate, safer route.
Charles didn't say it in so many words, but the unspoken point of his story was that he, Charles, had saved the day and, possibly, their lives by his line,
"Oh, do let's have a cup of tea first."
Later on in the party, Charles suggested the host turn on the television to catch the end of an English rugby game being broadcast that evening. Everybody at the party thought that was taerribleidea. I winked at Charles and said, "Oh, do let's have a cup of tea first." He cracked up. I think that was the first time he noticed me.
TECHNIQUE #36:
PRIVATE JOKE
To create premature intimacy, listen carefully while your new Quarry is telling a story. Then pick out a phrase that he or she obviously relishes. Caption this favorite passage and repeat it back to your Quarry later in the conversation to make him or her feel very special. You now share a private joke, just like longtime lovers.
As with all sensitive communication techniques, you must heed a few cautions. Caution number one: Only choose events where your Quarry shines—where he or she was the hero of the story, not the buffoon.
Some people tease their friends about the time they spilled the drink, lost the keys, cracked up the car, or slipped on the banana peel. That's calledheckling , and it has the opposite effect.
Caution number two: After you hear your Quarry's story, let some time pass before you invoke the private joke for the first time. The longer the interval, the stronger the punch.
Not only does creating a private joke with a new Quarry work wonders for giving a relationship Page 135
liftoff, it also softens rough edges that surface later on. To this day, whenever Charles comes up with a suggestion I don't like, I simply say "Oh, do let's have a cup of tea first." He laughs every time. Charles enjoys my story so much that he forgets I'm disagreeing with him, and I usually get my way.
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"Oh, Honey, You Did an Absolutely Superb Job Slicing These Mushrooms"
Step three, in early conversation, is to convince your Quarry you admire him or her. Now is the time to add reinforcing statements to express approval. These little interjections are callekdudos. Let's say your hypothetical conversation now turns to jobs.
Quarry: "Yeah, I really got tired of that job, so I decided to quit."
You: "Umm, you made a courageous move
[admiration]."
Quarry: "Yeah. Well, then I took some night courses to brush up on accounting."
You: "That was wise [approval]."
Quarry: "Well, I thought so."
You: "Have you had the chance yet to use your new skills?"
Quarry: "Sure did. It landed me a job with my present firm."
You: "Wonderful, John! [using your Quarry's name]
It must be a good feeling to know that you made the right choice [empathizer]."
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As the conversation progresses, keep weaving in kudos and empathizers. Remember, kudos arenot full-blown compliments. They are simply little empathetic commendations such as: "I can see you really worked hard for that cause. That's great,"
"Sounds like you had a good handle on that situation.
Congratulations," "You saidthat ? Not many people would have had the guts," or ' You really did that?
Gosh, that's impressive."
Hunters, giving kudos may be harder for you than for women. Men, who are more competitive by nature, sometimes feel that giving compliments diminishes their own rank. On the contrary, the more popular and secure a person is, the more apt he is to give reinforcing statements. Praising others enhances your own rank.
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Additionally, women don't see compliments in terms of rank. For them, praise deepens intimacy. When you give a woman kudos, you will stand out from other Hunters. It's a rare man, indeed, who expresses admiration for the accomplishments of a woman he has just met.
Huntresses, you can be downright profligate with your kudos. What may sound like blatant fawning to you will sound perfectly logical to your Quarry's ears.
I have a half-brother, Larry, who recently married a charming older woman. A few weeks after their wedding, I invited them to dinner. Larry is a fine chef, and Regina and I decided we would be his sous chefs .
The three of us scurried around the kitchen. Regina was peeling onions, Larry was slicing mushrooms, and I was putting some water on to boil. At one point, as I was leaning over the stove, I heard Regina purring to Larry behind me, "Oh, honey, you did an absolutely superb job slicing these mushrooms. Just look at how evenly and cleanly you cut every single one."
I turned around to share a big smile with Regina at her joke, but she wasn't joking! Regina was earnestly admiring his tiny mushroom slices. Larry was the one who was smiling—actually beaming—with pride.
Regina, it dawned on me at that moment, is a very smart woman. She knew Larry prided himself on his careful kitchen
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work. I'm sure Regina's unblushing use of kudos was one of the reasons my half-brother fell in love with her and will probably stay that way forever.
TECHNIQUE #37:
CONFER KUDOS
As the intimacy progresses, add approval notes to your empathizers. Sprinkle your conversation with little phrases like "Good going," "Not bad," and "Hey, that was smart."
Huntresses, don't be bashful. Men eat it up. Hunters, force yourself to give kudos. It's a new skill for you.
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"You're Much Too Young to Remember This, But . . ."
Here is yet another way to puff up your Quarry when your relationship is still too fragile to hold a full-blown big complimentI.mplythat your Quarry is wonderful in the "incidental" part of your sentence.
Implied compliments are phrases like, "You're too young to remember this, but . . ." or "Anybody as good-looking as you wouldn't . . ." You are praising your Quarry, but not directly.
You have a choice. You can couch the implied compliment in the dependent clause of your statement, such as, "Being as smart as you are , you wouldn't fall for a schem
e like that, but I did," or
"Anyone as well spoken as you could easily get right through on the phone to him."
Another way to craft the implied compliment is to insinuate your Quarry is part of some exceptional group. Say something like R" eally bright people like you often feel that way" or "Anybody as fit as you arecould do it with no problem."
You can make liberal use of the implied compliment, because it does not appear as though you had the intention
to flatter. Your exalted opinion of your Quarry, well, just slipped out.
TECHNIQUE #38:
THE IMPLIED COMPLIMENT
Pave the path to your Quarry's heart by tucking implied compliments into the secondary parts of your sentences.
You can also hint at your exalted opinion of him or her by referring to your Quarry as part of some superior group.
The Bull's-Eye Booster: ' I Just Love What You Like About Yourself"
Most people praise their Quarry for something they like about him or her. But it's much more potent when you compliment your Quarry for something he or she is really proud of.
Early in your conversation, start consciously gathering booster material. Carefully craft your praise so it darts directly, dead center, into your Quarry's heart. This takes some careful listening with a psychiatrist's ear. While your Quarry is talking, watch his or her face. Be on the lookout for cheeks blushing, eyes brightening, smiles flickering. These expressions are gifts to you—gifts of revelation of what turns her on about herself. When his face becomes lively, it means he's enjoying what he is telling you. If it becomes bland while she discusses a particular accomplishment, don't bother to Page 142
compliment that one.
Recently, I was having lunch with a charming, but rather chauvinistic, business associate named Ralph.
Just that morning, Ralph had given a speech to a group of female business executives. Before the speech he feared the feminists in the group would eat him alive. As he told me the story, his eyes Page 143
began to sparkle. With great animation he related the
"man-bashing" joke he opened his speech with to win the crowd over.
Later, at the same lunch, Ralph told me another story.
This second one was truly impressive. He told me how, from humble stockroom-boy beginnings, he quickly rose to become president of his company.
During this tale, Ralph's face was bland, unmoved.
Which accomplishment do you think Ralph would most like to be praised for? Yes, even though in real-world terms the latter is far more praiseworthy, winning over his potentially unfriendly female audience was Ralph's conceit. If, by chance, you wanted to win over his chauvinistic heart, you would say, "Oh, Ralph, that was clever of you to open with that joke."
Before delivering your first overt compliment, reflect on your Quarry's self-image. Where does her vanity lie? What would he most like you to recognize him for? Does she fancy herself extremely bright?
Absolutely gorgeous? A spiritual person? Does he fancy himself a lady-killer, a shrewd judge of character? A wild, funny, rakish kinda guy? Maybe she's proud of her hilarious sense of humor, her deep sense of honesty, her creativity. Or, like Ralph, he's proud of his ability to win feminists over through clever wit. Analyze what your Quarry is most happy about in himself and then praise that.
Often an attractive woman would prefer you to praise her intelligence and insights rather than her appearance. An accomplished man, weary of hearing how bright he is, might respond more warmly to your telling him how good-looking he is. The more your praise conforms with your Quarry's ideal self-image, the more he or she will appreciate it.
Hunters and Huntresses, when praising your Quarry, also consider timing. Praise for a recent small victory carries more punch than applauding a greater, more distant, feat. Complimenting someone's new outfit is best on the day he or she bought it. In this case, Ralph liked being complimented on his man-bashing joke victory because it happened that morning, whereas his meteoric rise had taken place decades ago.
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TECHNIQUE #39:
THE BULL'S-EYE COMPLIMENT
Before you fire your first overt compliment, ask yourself, "What is this person most proud of?" Then take precise aim.
Also consider timing. You warm your Quarry's heart more by praising a new achievement over an old.
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"You Are the Most Fascinating Person I've Ever Met"
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Each time you discharge an obvious compliment, your next shot loses power. Like they were Confederate dollars, your Quarry begins to devalue conspicuous compliments. You can use empathy, make approval noises, and imply your praise early with your Quarry. But save up for the killer compliment .
What is the killer compliment? It's not, "Gee, I like your tie." A killer compliment is a knock-'em dead, on-target, outright compliment which takes your Quarry's breath away.
In my communications seminars, I trick people into killer complimenting another participant. Early in my program, I ask the participants to get to know another participant by chatting for a few minutes. Later in the program, I instruct them to close their eyes and recall one outstanding positive quality about the person they spoke with. I say, "Not anything you would necessariltyellthe other person,
but some very private positive observation about them." Perhaps their conversational partner had a wonderfully warm smile or there was a spiritual air about them. "The quality can be physical," I tell them,
"or it can concern their personality." Everybody has at least one good quality.
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Then I say, "OK, now, open your eyes, and tell them what you were thinking."
"What, tellthem?" They are in shock. "Actuallytellthe other person the private thought I was having about them?"
"Yes! Tell them." I remind them that I said to think of a compliment that they would noetcessarily tell the other person.
They give each other killer compliments, and the result is a joy to watch. After the first wave of nervous laughter sweeps the crowd, smiles and warm blushes break out all over. Friendships are forming right and left. Everybody enjoys receiving their killer compliment, and practically everybody develops warm feelings toward the person who gave it to them.
What kinds of killer compliments have they just heard? Lovely sentiments like: "You have a terrific sense of humor," "What penetrating deep brown eyes you have," "I thought you were a dancer. You move so gracefully," ''I noticed your hands. They're like a pianist's," "I sense an aesthetic quality about you,' or
"I love your teeth!"
"What Does Giving a Killer Compliment Do for Me?"
giving the killer compliment is not an entirely altruistic act.
You receive a rich reward yourself when you candidly blurt one out.
Recently, at a party, I was chatting with an accountant, a dull one at that. (Apologies to accountants everywhere who must battle the unfair dull, pencil-pushing, green-eyeshades-wearing, number-crunching image!) As I was trying to break away from the tedious accountant, he looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Leil"—he used my name—
"you are the most fascinating woman I've ever met."
Whoa! Stop! Time out! My knees got weak. (Did I sense a little shooting through my veins?) PEA
"Who isthis man?" I thought. Suddenly the fellow became very interesting. In fact, I wound up having a lunch date with him the next week.
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As it turned out, the chap truly was dull, and the relationship went nowhere. But his killer compliment gave our relationship the best possible shot it had.
TECHNIQUE #40:
THE KILLER COMPLIMENT
Search for a unique quality in your Quarry, one so deep that most people wouldn't comment on it.
Then look your Quarry straight in the eye, use your Quarry's name, and knock his or her socks off with the killer compliment.
Just as black-belt karate grand masters register their fists as lethal weapons,
killer complimenters should register their tongues as lethal weapons in making the kill with their prey. The killer
compliment is such a mighty missile, it should come with a user's manual. The user's manual would tell you to shoot out your killer compliment in one strong, sharp sentence, eye-ball to eyeball. If it goes on too long, you'll embarrass your Quarry. Deliver your killer compliment upon parting, as it will leave your Quarry speechless and only able to stammer, "Oh, gosh, thanks." (Don't worry, he or she will be back for more.)
Obviously, don't give more than one killer compliment to your Quarry in a given month.
Otherwise, you come across as obsequious and pandering. As in all compliments, make sure it is about something the recipient is proud of.
One time I was in a small play in which I portrayed eight different characters. I smugly thought, "What a flexible actress I am." The least impressive role, in my opinion, was when I portrayed a department store mannequin. In that skit, another actor did all the performing while he carried me around the stage like a frozen corpse. Sometimes a gushing audience member would come up to me after the show, grab my hand, and say "Oh, I loved you in that mannequin scene." How I hated
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that! Do you believe I developed hostile feelings against such well-meaning flatterers?
Make sure your praise supports your Quarry's self-image. Otherwise it backfires. For example, if you say to an actor, "It's wonderful how you memorized all those lines," or, to a dancer, "You looked so pretty in that costume," you have actually insulted their performances. Your well-intended praise goes kerplunk, and kerplunk compliments do nothing to ignite love.
Armed with these nine ego-massaging techniques, go forth now and capture your Quarry. Before using them, however, you must ask yourself one final question: "How susceptible is my particular Quarry to praise?" Let's explore that.
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"Wait a Minute. Does Everybody Like Compliments?"
A dollar means less to a millionaire than it does to a pauper. And a compliment means less to someone who is used to being praised. If you are tracking extremely attractive Quarry or very accomplished Quarry, you must work harder and be more original in yo ur compliments. Such people are accustomed to being admired, so they pooh-pooh early praise.
