by Leil Lowndes
A study showed that, although attractive people tend to discount early praise, physically less attractive people value it much more3.7 In fact, they're ravenous for your compliments. Trapped inside every plain-faced woman is a beautiful enchantress crying to be set free by your making her
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feel beautiful. Trapped inside every frog-faced man is a handsome prince waiting for you to kiss him with praise.
TECHNIQUE #41:
SHORT ON ASSETS? GO LONG ON PRAISE
Attractive and accomplished people are accustomed to praise, so compliments often have less value on the open market. Seek original praise for popular Quarry.
However, if your Quarry is not used to being praised, he or she is hungry for your words of appreciation, no matter how trite.
Feed your Quarry's ego the appropriate diet and watch his or her love grow.
Knee-Jerk Praise: "What You Just Did Was Fabulous"
Here is a little pistol shot youmust use with everyone whether her face is plain or pretty, whether his accomplishments are trivial or triumphant. I call it thkenee-jerk compliment.
There are crucial moments when, if youdon'toffer a compliment, you will offend your Quarry. If he or she has just finished an accomplishment (made a big sale, taken a final bow after a performance, successfully negotiated a deal, cooked a great meal), ma ke sure the very first words out of your mouth relate to that just-completed triumph. At that moment, your Quarry is sure to have only one raging question in his or her mind: "How'd I do?" If you don't want to lose love points, you must first give your Qua rry an instantaneous knee-jerk compliment.
A friend once told me how disappointed he was in his girlfriend's reaction to a speech he gave for his industry's convention. Right after his talk, which had been a great success, he strutted back amidst the applause to take his seat next to his significant other.
The first thing she said to him was, "Wave to Page 151
Bill and Sue back there. We didn't know they were going to be here." Boom! What a letdown. Where was his well-deserved compliment?
A few moments later she did say, "You gave a great speech, sweetie," but it was too late. What a difference if she had first complimented his speech and then said, "By the way . . ."
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TECHNIQUE #42:
THE KNEE-JERK COMPLIMENT
After your Quarry's accomplishment, compliment immediately . The first syllables you utter must be the flattering answer to the unasked question, "How'd I do?"
One last caution on the knee-jerk compliment. Be sure your compliment shoots high enough. When in doubt, aim even higher. "Good job" might come across as insulting if he thought he'd donegraeat job.
"Nice presentation" could be a real disappointment if she thought she'd made taerrific presentation.
Have the First Laugh
To a comedian, your face is just one of many bobbing around in the sea facing him in the club. As he delivers each punch line, you suspect he's unaware of who starts the trickle, or the riptide, of laughter.
Not so! As a speaker, I guarantee you that every one of my colleagues knows precisely who inaugurated the laughter, precisely how long after the punchline was delivered, and precisely how enthusiastically they laughed.
Huntresses, so it is with most men, even if they're just telling a joke to a few friends.
TECHNIQUE #43
HUNTRESSES): HAVE THE FIRST LAUGH
Huntresses, it is with embarrassment that I offer you this obvious technique, but leaving it out would be a grave sin of omission.
Be the first to laugh at his jokes, and laugh the longest. Many a Huntress who had the first laugh when her
Quarry made a joke has had the last as she waltzed off to the altar with him.
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Lovers Give Each Other Pet Names
By now you are ready for another tender trap to create intimacy with your Quarry and make him or her feel like the center of the universe.
Many of us, when we were kids, had nicknames. Lots of today's Roberts were once called Bobby. Many Elizabeths were once little Betsy. Many Johns were Johnny, and Sues were Suzie. Did you
have a kid name? I did. My mother and all the other kids called me "ll eilie." That remained my official designation until I decided it wasn't respectable-sounding enough for the young professional I aspired to be. So, along with my intended personality change, came a name change. I insisted everyone call me Leil.
I have one friend from my childhood days, Rick, who resisted the change and to this day calls me Leilie.
Whenever I hear a voice on the phone asking to speak to Leilie, my heart thumps with childhood memories. The emotions that I feel upon hearinLgeilieget transferred to Rick, and I'm sure the fact that Rick (I call him Ricky) calls me Leilie is one factor in our friendship lasting so long.
Childhood experiences and childhood names have a strong subliminal effect. Like any weapon, however, this one could backfire. If your Quarry had an unhappy childhood, hearing
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an old nickname might invoke horrible memories. If Walter's parents were always dumping on him, your calling him Wally could drive him up the wall. If Elizabeth was a battered child, just the name Lizzie could make her go bonkers. Test market the pet name on your Quarry first.
However, if your Quarry had a happy childhood, using a pet name deepens intimacy, and it shoots a little through his or her veins every time you say that name. PEA
TECHNIQUE #44:
CONFER PET-NAME STATUS
If it's appropriate, ask your Quarry what he or she was called as a kid. If you sense that your Quarry likes that pet name, say, "Oh, I love it! Do you mind if I call you that?"
When Your Quarry Praises You
One day I was browsing in a bookstore for a book on compliments. Nowhere to be found! But there was a big fat one of several thousand insults, "for all occasions" it proclaimed. It was full of supposedly hilarious insults like, "Hey, you're so ugly you have to have your x-rays retouched," or guaranteed lines like, "You look much better without my glasses." Guaranteed, yes, to get you a cheap laugh, but not to make someone fall in love with you.
Many of us, even if we would never dream of delivering a hackneyed line like that, still inadvertently insult our Quarry when he or she compliments us. Americans are beastly at giving compliments—and receiving them. It's a national characteristic. They simply stammer a weak thank-you. Worse, they say, "Oh, it was just luck."
This lukewarm reaction does nothing to make your Quarry feel good for complimenting you.
Furthermore, if you mum-
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ble "Not really" or attribute your success to "luck,"
you are indirectly insulting your Quarry's powers of perception. After getting no positive feedback, your Quarry will quit complimenting you.
Whenever your Quarry praises you, don't just say,
"Oh, shucks," or even, as Amy Vanderbilt suggests,
"Thank you." Go Amy one step better. Reflect the sunshine of the compliment right back on the giver.
Quickly murmur, "That's very kind of you," or "How sweet of you to notice.'' The French do it regularly.
Instead of sayingmerci(thank you), the gracious ones murmur ' C'est gentil " (loosely translated, "That's kind of you").
If someone hurls a boomerang, it does an almost 180-degree turn and comes right back at the thrower. I call the technique of reflecting the compliment bacBkoomeranging . Here are some
examples of boomeranging: How's your family? "Oh, they're greaTt.hanks for asking ." How was your vacation? "Thanks, you remembered ! [Show you are obviously impressed that they did.] Yeah, I really had a great time." Gee, I like your new hairstyle.O"h, thanks for noticing . Yes, I found a great new hairdresser."
TECHNIQUE #45:
BOOMERANGING
When your Quarry compliments you or asks you about anything you enjoy talking about, boomerang the good feelings back.
Thank him or her for as
king or noticing. Stamp out childish embarrassment and let your big smile show your Quarry you appreciated the compliment.
When you boomerang , your Quarry will feel good for having praised you. Human animals, ever in pursuit of good feelings, will conjure up some more good thoughts about you to make themselves feel good. The more good thoughts your Quarry has about you, the mo re twigs it puts on the fire of love.
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"I Love the Way You Wrinkle Your Nose When You Laugh"
This final ego-massage technique concerns long-term love. It helps keeypouin love with your Quarry because it keeps your Quarry doing the things you love. Love is a two-way street, and it's hard to keep someone high on you if your affection for them sags.
Dr. Benjamin Spock is the famous baby doctor who in the 1950s taught American parents how to cope with their offspring. Today, controversy swirls around his doctrine of permissiveness, but the well-intended doctor leaves the world with at least one good axiom. He said, in essence, "Tell the little tyke that he is great, and it will encourage his greatness."
I call this techniqueSpocking after this baby philosophy. Spocking , on an adult level, is doing the same with your significant other. Divulge what you love, appreciate, or admire in your Quarry so he or she will keep doing those things you love, appreciate, or admire.
People start to fall in love for a myriad of different reasons. The logic, flowing from your Lovemap, can seem as arbitrary as loving the way she wrinkles her nose when she laughs
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or adoring the way he caresses your cheek. You might have fallen in love with him when, the first time you invited him to dinner, he washed the dishes.
You might admire her strength in the face of crisis or respect his sense of honesty.
To stay in love (and therefore keep your Quarry in love with you), encourage that which you adore. Say
"I love the way you wrinkle your nose when you laugh." Say, "It's so exciting when you caress my cheek." Say, "Believe it or not, one of the things that I really love about you is the way you offer to do the dishes." Say, "I admire your strength in the face of crisis." Say, ''I respect your deep sense of honesty.''
I remember a lovelyNew Yorker cartoon, so poignant I cried. The drawing was of an obviously poor, overweight, and exhausted couple sitting at their kitchen table. The husband, in his T-shirt, hadn't shaved. The wife had curlers in her hair. Dirty dishes and diapers hung on a makeshift clothesline strung from a pipe to the fridge. They were drinking coffee out of chipped old mugs.
The caption was the man smiling at his wife, saying,
"I just love the way you wrinkle your nose when you laugh." The couple looked genuinely happy, in spite of the mess, in spite of their poverty, in spite of their exhaustion. IfSpocking was part of their daily life, they probably were.
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TECHNIQUE #46:
SPOCKING
Think about the subtle, maybe even silly, things you love about your significant other. Then, at odd moments, tell him or her what those things are.
Your partner is not a mind reader. More than just saying "I love you," you need to tellwhy.
Many people neglect to tell their significant other wharet allyturns them on. (Yes, this applies to sex, also.) The sig-Page 157
nificant other, not realizing its importance, stops wrinkling her nose, caressing your cheek, or washing the dishes. Then one tiny bulb goes out in the magnificent array of glimmering lights that make up love.
If other bulbs start burning out one by one, the love can go dark. If your significant other becomes insignificant to you, you are both losers.
KeepSpocking the qualities in the ones you love to keep the love alive.
PART FOUR
PRINCIPLE OF LOVE (WHAT'S IN IT
FOR ME?)
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During a heated argument, a man I once loved snarled at me, "Everybody's got a value on the open market, baby." I was appalled. How crass! How could he see people as commodities, especially somebody he said he loved? What a repulsive way to look at relationships!
To me, love was beautiful. Love was pure. It was the source of the most intense pleasure known to mankind and had no parallel in human experience. To me, love was sharing, trusting, total giving of self.
The words of Robert Burns had reverberated in my heart since childhood: "Love, 0 lyric Love, half angel and half bird. And all a wonder and a wild desire." To hear my lover liken his loved one's qualities to pork bellies or soybeans on the commodities market was too much. I stormed out of the room. And, soon thereafter, out of the relationship.
Now, many years later, older and, some few could argue, wiser, I wonder, "Was he right?" Not in his manner of presentation, certainly. But in his facts? It surprises no one to hear, "Everyone wants to get the best deal possible in life." Nor are they shocked when they learn about the law of supply and demand in business. People don't even flinch when sales gurus preach that, in all human interaction, the big question is —(what's in it for me?) Page 162
Why do we recoil when researchers tell us the same natural laws apply to love?
Recently, the scientific community, not content with the theories of love proposed by Sigmund Freud (sublimated sexuality) or Theodore Reik (filling a void in oneself), set out to get the real skinny on love.
Conducting numerous surveys and laboratory experiments, scientists peeled back a deeper layer of the human psyche. Did they uncover some ugly facts? Did they confront a monster? Some might say
"yes." Others would laugh it off and say, "Of course not."
Whether you see their findings as the abominable snowman or the archangel of truth, the result is quite simply this: Studies do indeed support the thesis that everything and everybody has a quantifiable value on the open market. And everybody wants to get the best deal possible in love as well as in life. Researchers christened their findings theequity(or exchange ) theory of love. It's sort of like the oldhorse-trading principle .
Why Is Finding Love Like Horse Trading?
The equity theory of love is based on the same sound business principles of barter and open market value.
Everything has a value. Everything has a price. As with that of a product, a person's value can be subjective. Generally, the world agrees on what's a good catch and what's a shoddy one.
In the world of horse trading, there aretop-grade champions or nags(horses ready for the glue factory).
At a horse auction, buyers look for qualities they describe aspretty movers , good disposition, no bad vices , and even flashy . Are humans really so different?
All these horse qualities affect the sales price. If you are trading a registered horse for one without pedigree papers, he better have some of the other superior qualities to make it a fair barter.
Studies show that the more qualities you bring to the bargaining table, the better you will do in love. The more your
WIIFM
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assets even out, the more apt you are to make someone fall in love with you. Equity theorists tell us the more equitable a romantic relationship is, the more likely it is to progress to marria3g8e.
What Currency "Buys" a Good Partner?
Proponents of the equity principle list six elements which are assets on the "open market" when lovers go husband or wife shopping.
1. Physical appearance
2. Possessions or money
3. Status or prestige
4. Information or knowledge
5. Social graces or personality
6. Inner nature
Researchers tell us that, in the happiest relationships, the partners are more or less equal in each of the above categories. If not, their qualities balance each other out across the board.
As an example, let us take category number one, physical appearance. Studies all over the world (the United States, Canada, Germany, Japan) show that men and women usually wind up marrying people who are just about a
s attractive as they are. A group of psychologists observed young couples at social events and rated their appearance on a scale similar to the now-legendary 1–10 rating scale popularized by the film10.39 They found that 60 percent of the couples were separated by only one point on the scale, and 85 percent were separated by two points or less.
I decided to put these findings to my own informal test. For several weeks, everywhere I went—to the movies, to the mall, to parties, to restaurants—I watched husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends. On a scale of one to ten, I rated their appearance. Never were they more than two points apart! Try it.
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Researchers tell us if a couple is not equal in thesamecategory, usually their assets across the list even out. For example, how often, walking down the street, have you passed a stunning women on the arm of a pinch-faced, much-older man? What was your first thought? Admit it, you probably said to yourself,
"Gosh, he must be really rich." You see a handsome man walking with his arm around a very plain woman and you muse, "Gosh, she must have a great personality." That's the equity, or horse-trading, principle at work. It can't be denied. Good looks, lots of money, and high social status are definitely legal tender in the acquisition of love.
Back in the 1930s several Oakland, California, educators observed fifth- and sixth-grade girls cavorting on the playground. They rated the little girls according to their looks. About twenty years later, a sociologist got hold of the results of the old study and tracked down the young women to find out what kinds of husbands they had married. The researcher found that the prettier the girl, the "better"
she had done in securing a mate. The more attractive girls had gotten richer and more powerful husbands.
The less attractive girls had not done so well.
Does this mean our face is our fortune? Well, with minor changes we must go through life with the same mug. Fortunately, that's not the only currency with which we buy love. A pleasant personality, courteous social graces, and knowledge or information that your partner can benefit from also give you points.
