How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You

by Leil Lowndes

  Throughout this book you can find techniques to magnify the qualities that make your Quarry fall in love with you. In the cases of those attributes that can't be genuinely greatly enhanced (such as your looks, your money, and your prestige), I offer you techniques to enhance his or heprerception of them.

  Before exploring methods to manipulate perceptions, however, let's get a reality check on how beautiful, how rich, or how powerful you really want your partner to be if your goal is, as I assume, to find happiness in love.

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  Here is a surprising truth—all the studies support it.

  Your chances of finding and keeping true love are even better if you don't marry someone drop-dead gorgeous, filthy rich, or a prince or princess.

  Why? Because balanced benefits make happy campers , especially in the long run. People are happier when their assets equal out. Let's peel back a few layers on the equity principle and get a reality check on how much you want to manipulate it. Then, if you still do, I'll show you how.

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  Find Love?

  You Really Don't Want to Marry the

  Handsome Prince or the Beautiful Princess Practically every young American girl of my generation tucked the covers daintily around herself every night dreaming of the handsome prince who was someday going to come riding by on his white horse. He would, of course, fall madly in love with her and scoop her up, and they would live happily ever after.

  The prince didn't always have to be a handsome Prince. He could be a rich Prince, a wonderfully kind Prince, or a strong and sensitive Prince. Perhaps, we dreamed, our prince would be a poet, or an artist, or maybe a famous actor Prince. As we grew older, our dream didn't change. We simply expandedthedefinitionofprince.Hecouldbeaninternati onallyesteemeddoctor,abrilliant ,a CEO

  Silicon Valley sage, or a state governor. But, whatever role we cast him in, he was the prince.

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  Huntresses, maybe even now you still believe that someday your prince will come. Well, guess what?

  He may come. But, when you see the results of the studies on love, you'll realizyeou don't want to him to come ! Women, if it's happiness you

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  seek, you don't want to marry the handsome prince.

  Men, you don't want to marry the beautiful princess.

  Sour grapes? Not at all. Unless you were born in a royal crib—unless you are equally beautiful, equally rich, equally accomplished—life with a prince or princess would be inequitable. Therefore, you would be miserable.

  "No," you may protest. "If I married someone better looking, richer, more accomplished—for simplicity let's just saybetter —if I married someone better than me, I'd be thrilled." Yes, the studies tell us, but not for long. The equity theory proves you'd soon be unhappy. The more superior your partner is to you, the quicker you'd both feel wretched. When there is an imbalance in a relationship, both partners sense the inequity and try to restore balance. In other words, they try to even the score.

  "Why Don't I Want to Marry Up?"

  It's easy to understand why, in an inequitable relationship, the superior partner might be dissatisfied.

  After the first blush of love wears off, he or she looks around and feels deserving of a much better deal. But what about the inferior partner? Shouldn't he or she feel darn lucky to have bagged such a great mate?

  Supposedly, yes, but in reality, the inferior partner will wind up worried, insecure, and always afraid of not measuring up.

  This is true not only in marriages. Researchers interviewed 500 dating couples at the University of Wisconsin to determine whether their partners brought more, less, or equal assets to the relationship4.0 The more equitable the partner's assets, the happier the couples were. If one of the partners was much richer or more attractive, there was an imbalance, and discontent soon set in.

  Insidious things start happening and the inequality monster starts eating away the love. In inequitable marriages, part-Page 169

  ners start taking advantage of the relationship to even the score. The ''superior'' partner might start to make subtle demands, like feeling entitled to conversation whenever he or she wants it or solitude whenever the mood strikes. A superior wife might get lazy with verbal expressions of love and affection or withhold sex. If she is already giving more than her husband, she figures subconsciously, "Why should I work harder to make his sex life fulfilling?" A superior husband might even feel justified embarking on an extramarital affair. After all, he tells himself, "I deserve more."

  The poor inferior in the relationship is doomed to living a life of insecurity about their love or having to "swallow it" whenever the partner decides to take advantage of the relationship. The happiness at having bagged such a great mate soon turns into the day-to-day reality of always being number two. It's no fun being number two and spending your life trying harder.

  Princess Di and Charles certainly did their bit to destroy the myth of the joy of marrying the prince.

  And in Hollywood, where one's market value changes daily like the , divorce is practically NASDAQ

  as common as marriage.

  Let's say you're an American princess with lots of money and good looks. You fall in love with the handsome, sensitive plumber who comes to fix the pipes on Daddy's yacht. Because you believe in true love, you marry him. Now, obviously you call the shots in the relationship, like choosing where to vacation and what kind of car to buy. At first you both consider it fair for you to make the decision because, after all, Daddy's money is paying for it.

  But Sensitive Plumber has pride. As time goes by, his ego can't take it. Even though he felt lucky when he married you, the love affair ends in bitter divorce.

  You really didn't do anything wrong. He didn't, either. He's a nice guy. You played fair. It's just that theinequityoverwhelmed the two of you. He winds up much happier with the waitress from the coffee shop.

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  "What Happens if Inequity Strikes After We're Married?"

  Sometimes couples start out balanced, and inequity strikesafterthe marriage. If one of the partners, through no fault of his or her own, slips even a few notches, problems can arise.

  I have a friend Laura, a TV reporter, who was thrilled when she found the man of her dreams. He was a kind and intelligent gentleman who happened to be a big maker and shaker in international

  business. They married, and Laura was happy giving up her New Yo rk job and moving to California with him. About once a year, Laura visited me in New York. Every evening Bob would call. She always sounded so loving and deferential to him on the phone.

  Two years ago, through a series of bad deals, Bob lost practically all his money. Laura still visits me (when they can afford the airfare). Bob still calls. But, sadly, I hear a different tone in her voice. Now she sounds snippy and domineering when she talks to him. Laura is starting to bemoan the great job she gave up when she married Bob, and she is now looking into TV opportunities in New York. She says transferring back would be no problem. I don't place any bets on Laura and Bob being together same time next year.

  I have another friend, Sally, whom I met in college.

  Everyone liked Sally because she was what we used to call the archetypical dizzy blonde. Sally was not impressively bright, but she was strikingly beautiful.

  She married a sportive and very accomplished man named Jim. Sally was blissful in her marriage until recently, when she gained a lot of weight. Sally complains, "I can't understand it. Jim treats me so differently now. He's not running around, but he's moody. He doesn't do as many chores around the house. He doesn't talk to me anymore. Our sex life is sagging, and it's as though he's just not sensitive to my feelings."

  This would not surprise proponents of the equity principle. They would say Jim is subconsciously restoring the balance.

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  Researchers analyzing their changing relationship would say, "When Sally and Jim got married, she brought physical beauty to the relationship. He
brought a good nature. These are tangible assets. If her beauty wanes, so does the asset he brought to the table." Jim is certainly not kicking Sally out. He still loves her, of course. Subconsciously Jim is simply balancing the score by letting down on some of his pleasing habits.

  Inequity can also occur when one of the partners messes up. If one is caught in an extramarital affair, the other might go into a well of frosty silence and stay in that funk until the partner who messed up commits enough loving acts to make up for it. That can take years.

  Studies cite dramatic examples of one partner's coming into a huge inheritance or, conversely losing his or her job or even being tragically disfigured in an accident. That destroys the balance of the relationship.

  The subjects in these studies were not mean, heartless people who left their partners. They simply subconsciously evened the score in a myriad of small ways such as withholding expressions of affection, letting down on their physical appearance, or becoming reluctant to make self-sacrifices for their partner's benefit. The superior partner might refuse to do chores, take a stronger stand on which parents to visit for the holidays, or suggest separate vacations.

  Small reactions lead to big misery in relationships that become unequal.

  Hunters, Huntresses, if after all these warnings about how you don't want to marry up, you're still thinking,

  "Well, maybe finding a partner justlaittlehigher on that vulgar inventory of assets would be OK," come with me. You can't really change your lo oks, your bank account, or your breeding to match the Quarry you want to bag, but you can change their opinion of your assets. Let's start with the one that's the toughest to manipulate. It's number one on the love assets list: physical appearance.

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  How important are looks? Let me put it this way.

  After doing initial research for this chapter, it was a tough choice between plastic surgery or suicide. First, let's get the bad news out of the way for those of us, male or female, who are less than a 10 in the looks departmentL. ooks count !

  Remember in high school when you asked about a blind date's looks and your best friend said, "Oh, she's got a great personality" or "He's a really nice guy." The kiss of death, right? Yes, looks count on first meeting, especially to men. However, looks are aperception , and we can manipulate perceptions.

  What God cheated us out of in the looks department, we can make up for through clever techniques that have a lot more to do with your Quarry's first impressions of you (your body language, self-image, and communications skills) than they do with makeup.

  What do we consider good-looking? It varies, of course, from culture to culture. In our country, thin is in. (Not so for the Sirono women from Bolivia who constantly gorge themselves to become a nice fat armful for their men.) American men prefer to kiss slightly curved Cupid's-bow lips. (Not so for Ubangis, who put saucers in their lips to stretch them out like pancakes.)

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  Different standards of beauty prevail around the world, but one thing remains constant. Mother Nature plays a role in telling us who's hot and who's not.

  Even in modern-day America, women like a man with strong features who looks like he would be a good, caring provider. Men like a woman who looks like she is sexy and could bear healthy children.

  Studies tell us precisely what is in vogue.

  What Type of Looks Do Women Like?

  Here is what a group of researchers found that women most liked in a man's face:

  Women are attracted to men whose appearances elicit their nurturant feelings; who appear to possess sexual maturity and dominance characteristics; who seem sociable, approachable and of high social status . . .

  Individuals who display an optimal combination of neotenous (boyish) features of large eyes, the mature features of prominent cheekbones and a large chin, the expressive feature of a big smile, and high-status clothing were seen more attractive than other men.

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  What type of body do women like? American women generally prefer men of average build, but bigger above the waist than below. The studies tell us they prefer V's to pear4s2. However, taste varies depending on the class of the woman judging the male anatomy. Women on the lower end of the socioeconomic totem pole prefer muscle men.

  Conversely, highly paid professional women find hefty beefcake downright distasteful. They go for the dark, slim, and sensitive body types.

  What about height? One assumes the taller the better because our culture venerates height. In fact, practically every president elected in the United States since 1900 was the taller

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  of the two candidates. The Wall Street Journal reported that taller graduating college students (6'2"

  and over) received an average starting salary 12.4

  percent higher than those who were under six feet tall.

  Yet, in the sexual arena, apparently taller isn't better.

  Women of all sizes—short, medium, and tall—rated a variety of men equal in all features except height.

  The medium sizers won.

  Gentlemen, speaking of size (yes, the size oift), the only source I can turn to is a recent article in a popular woman's magazine called "Is Big Really Better?" The article equivocated (lest readers'

  husbands get hold of the article and be emotionally destroyed). However, a photograph

  accompanying the article left the question open. Two attractive women were shown rolling on the floor in hysterics as one of their friends held up a baby finger.

  What Type of Looks Do Men Like?

  When answering researchers' questions about women's looks, men were less articulate. A typical answer was, "Uh, gee, well, you know [grunt, grunt], uh, good-looking." However, a group of resolute scientists plodded on and zeroed in on what the average male considers attractive.

  Yes, thin is definitely in. For women especially. In an analysis of singles' ads, researchers discovered, out of twenty-eight desirable qualities, thinness topped the list for me4n3 .Again, this varied with the class and personality of the man. More extroverted and lower-class men choose large-breasted, wide-hipped women.

  More introverted and upper-class males choose smaller-framed women.

  A group of men from various classes was shown photos of large-breasted nudes in typical pinup poses along with some pictures of more fully clothed attractive women. The results were as

  expected when the men were asked which they would like for a roll in the hay. However, when questioned on which they would prefer as a wife, both upper-and lower-class men

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  chose the more clothed woman. Many of the upper-class men even preferred the clothed lady for a roll in the hay (or a tryst in the backseat of their Mercedes).

  Unfortunately, the studies weren't any more enlightening on the specific facial features men like.

  This is probably because, like in all other aspects of their lives, men don't pay as much attention to detail as women do.

  There was a time when our culture was obsessed with symmetry. No longer. And, in times gone by, men wanted women in the lighter ranges of their own ethnic coloring. Women preferred just the opposite.

  Darker-hued men got top points. However, as our melting pot boils faster, the old blond-haired, blue-eyed, angel-faced beauty standard is rapidly changing.

  Some of today's top beauties are very different from that stereotypical idea. Now it'sthe look . Fortunately, if you weren't born with the look , you can get it—

  with a little brains, some imagination, and a makeup bag.

  The only generalization we can make on looks is that both sexes prefer people with a clear complexion, a slender body, shiny hair, straight white teeth, and clear eyes—in other words, healthy.

  "How Can I Make My Quarry Think I'm Better Looking?"

  Beauty is not an objective entity. Like the proverbial sound in the forest which must be heard to be a sound, beauty has to be beheld by someone to be beauty.

 
Beauty is a perception, a judgment call. Hairstyle, clothing, and makeup aside (I leave that to other books), here's how you can manipulate your Quarry's perception of your looks.

  While I was researching physical appearance, a friend sent me a videotape of a segment of the television show20/20aired some time ago on physical attractiveness. In one sequence, a strikingly beautiful blonde (an actress hired by ABC) stood on the side of the highway by her supposedly stranded car. Passing cars and trucks came screeching to a halt. Men risked life

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  and limb galloping across four lanes to help the lovely damsel in distress. Several men fought over which lucky man was going to go get her gas for her.

  In the next segment, another actress stood by the side of the highway. Same clothes. Same stranded car.

  However, this woman was less attractive, or so judged the program's producers. Did cars come to a screeching halt to help her? Did men gallop across four lanes to help her? No. The autos went whizzing by. One or two slowed down but, after the drivers checked her out, they sped away. One car stopped, but the male driver simply pointed to where she could go get some gas herself.

  Afterward, the program's hosts interviewed the two actresses seated side by side. I pushed the pause button on myVCRto get a closer look at the two women. I scrutinized one, then the other, then the first again. I thought, "There's not that much difference in their looks!" But, being female, I presumed that perhaps I'm no judge, so I decided to get a male opinion. I showed the frozen frame to a male friend. He agreed, "Not so much difference."

  What was it? I played the entire sequence for my friend. "Oh, sure," he announcedN. owhe could see it.

  "Yes, the first actress is definitely prettier."

  It took a third viewing for me to unravel the mystery.

  The first actress smiled at passing cars. She cocked her head, threw her shoulders back, and pushed her breasts out. She looked happy, fun-loving, sure of herself—therefore beautiful. The second actress just leaned against her car with a dejected expression on her face. She made no eye contact with passing traffic. She looked