by Leil Lowndes
Most of us are that way sexually. We may not believe it consciously, but most people cling tenaciously to the dream that some day, out of the blue, the right partner will sail right into our lives. And we will live happily ever after.
If these same hopefuls hurled a thousand-piece puzzle on the staircase, they wouldn't expect the pieces to jump out of the box, find each other, and fit together. Yet they dive into a sexual relationship assuming all the pieces will fit. The odds that their and their Quarry's sexual desires will fit snugly together are one in a million.
In the beginning of a new relationship, as all the bits and pieces are still swirling about in the air, sex is exciting. The nov-Page 268
elty, the discovery, the conquest carries the night. It's only a few weeks, months, or years into the relationship—when the puzzle pieces start smacking the staircase at odd angles—that sexual disappointment surfaces.
"Why Did He or She Lose Interest?"
Huntresses, he stops calling. Hunters, she suddenly develops other things she has to do on Saturday night.
Why? What went wrong? Why did your Quarry lose interest? There are, of course, as many answers to that question as there are men and women in the world, but we can make some fairly accurate generalizations.
A survey we took at The Project asked single and divorced men and women why their previous relationships had ended. Whenever the respondent was the partner who initiated the breakup, we further asked, "Why? What went wrong with the relationship?" The woman wanted out, usually due to general disappointments in her partner—his personality, habits, or lifestyle, or the way he treated her. However, when the man was the one who wanted to break up, sex was pretty high on his list.
The next question in our survey was: "Did you tell your partner the reason for your wanting to end the relationship?" Overwhelmingly the answer was, "Not threalreason." The men said, "I couldn't tell her that sex with her wasn't, well, you know. . . ."
A woman usually wants to go out with a man because he is interesting, attractive, a turn-on, and someone with whom shemight want a relationship. A man usually asks a woman out because he wants to go to bed with her. (There are exceptions, of course.) We accuse men of being gun-shy of relationships.
This is not true. It's just that if a man is going to commit for a lifetime to one woman, he wants sex with her to be as perfect for him as the rest of her is.
The problem is compounded because
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men's sexual needs are more diverse, more immediate, more pressing, and therefore it is more difficult for them to find a perfect female fit. This is a quandary.
Often, a man meets a woman who
seems ideal for him, but sexually she is less than the optimum experience. Most men, even today, feel that marriage should mean fidelity.
"Is This Woman Enough for Me Sexually for the Rest of My Life?"
Roger was typical of the many men I interviewed at The Project. He wanted sex to be great with the woman he would marry but, like for so many men, the fantasy woman he wanted sex with in the bedroom had a different personality from the loving wife he wanted in the living room.
As it happened, Roger came from a very affluent and prominent Southern family. He had high standards in clothes, food, wine, and women. Every woman he dated was elegant, confident, well spoken, and a champion at social graces. He said he wanted to marry a woman he could be proud to introduce to his friends and family and build a life with: "One," he jokingly said, he "could introduce to Mother."
When I met Roger, he was engaged to a lovely woman named Diane who was everything his family could have hoped for Roger and everything Roger ever dreamed of finding in a woman, except she lacked one thing: sex. There was nothing wrong with Diane sexually. She was loving, willing, and warm.
The problem was that, in Roger's deepest hidden sexual fantasies, he dreamed of being in bed with, as he described it, a hot number who was insatiable for his body. Diane was just too ladylike in bed, he complained.
When they were making love, Roger's imagination had to do the work. During sex, he imagined that Diane was crying out dirty words. He longed to hear her in the heat of passion scream out, "Roger, f***
me! F*** me!" Obviously Diane was not the type of lady to indicate her ardor in this manner, and Page 270
I asked him if he had ever told Diane about his fantasies. "No, of course not. It would shock her,"
Roger replied. "In fact," he added, "I've never told anyone . . . until now." Roger is ashamed of his fantasy, as are many men. Why?
Most little boys grew up constantly being told no:
"No, don't touch yourself there. That's dirty. Don't look at your sister when she's dressing. That's not nice. No, don't touch Mommy there."
Little boys entered puberty fearing women would scold them, reject them, if they revealed any flagrant sexual urge— like wanting to hear a woman cry out dirty words. They don't dare ask their favorite woman to play out their fantasy because of what she might think. They dread losing her to some man who doesn't think such weird thoughts.
A generation of adult men now walking our hometown streets grew up terrified by horror comics—not the monsters, vampires, ghouls, and zombies inside the comics, but rather the Charles Atlas ads on the back covers! In the most terror-inducing ad, the wimp (the reader, in his worst nightmare) is sunning himself happily on the beach with his sexy girlfriend. Along comes Mr.
Muscleman who kicks sand in his face and struts off.
With an admiring look in her eye, the poor wimp's sexyex-girlfriend stands up and fo llows the musclebound stranger (i.e., the man who does it right). Such ads induced panic attacks in millions of American men.
Because ego and sex are practically inseparable grey matter in the male brain, if a man wants anything but straight vanilla sex, he feels like the wimp who will lose his girl. Even if he is just hungry for a sprinkling of some exotic spice on his vanilla treat from time to time, he feels Mr. Straight-Vanilla will come along, kick sand in his face, and take his lover away.
Roger felt sexually inadequate because he wanted Diane to do "dirty things" in bed. "She would walk away in disgust if she knew," he told me.
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"But would she?" I asked him. I suggested to Roger that he tell Diane about his fantasies–tell her it turned him on to hear a woman talk dirty in bed. "Who knows," I suggested, "she might even enjoy it."
At our next counseling session, I asked Roger,
"Well?" Roger hadn't told her. He admitted he was therein lay the problem. Roger was having difficulty maintaining an erection with Diane.
still afraid of her reaction.
Six months later Roger broke up with Diane. He said that, although he loved and respected her, the passion just petered out. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life in a passionless marriage. Sex, to Roger, as it is to most men, was just too important .
I find this very sad because, if Diane could have accommodated Roger's fantasies, two otherwise very compatible people would have been able to enjoy a life together. If only he had told her he fantasized about having a very unladylike hot female between the sheets, Diane might have been able to play his sexual game. She could say the words he longed to hear, and for Roger that would have been enough.
Remember, men are able to get off on playacting or pretending more than women are.
Huntresses, you must find out whatreallyturns on your Quarry and how to use it to make him fall in love with you.
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How do you find out what really turns a man on in bed? Most Huntresses just wing it with what we used to call the peter-meter . They try this, they try that, and then they watch his reaction. Some women do their research smack-dab in the middle of the action by asking, "Do you like this, honey? Does that feel good?" Enterprising Huntresses ask, "Would you like anything else?"
That's good. But not good enough. To turn up the sexual electricity, you must don your Sherlock Holmes cap, grab
your magnifying glass, and slink stealthily through all the twists and turns of your Quarry's sexual psyche. You must become a sexual sleuth.
You don't need to blatantly pump him for information.
Men are walking lighthouses. Round-the-clock, they flash signals about what turns them on. Yet many Huntresses row their loveboats right into the rocks as though a deaf, dumb, and blind oarswoman were at the helm.
The first step is to develop a special antenna tuned to the right channel—the one that gives off your Quarry's sexual signals. Listen carefully to his everyday conversation. Keep your antenna tuned when he's talking about his childhood, his pre-Page 274
vious relationships, his likes, and his dislikes. Listen between the words for his attitudes, his emotions.
Pick up hints. Most important, develop an ear for any sexual references.
Keep your antenna especially fine-tuned in bed. For example, Huntresses, in the heat of passion, does your man cry out, "Oh, baby!" "Oh, darling!" "Oh, mistress!" or ' Oh, you beautiful bitch!' ? These are keys to his sexual fantasies.
With some men, you don't need to play detective.
They openly tell you their fantasies. When they do, they're flinging you the master key to their heart, hoping you'll catch it. Most Huntresses just let it slip through their fingers. How do you go about erecting an antenna to pick up his sexual wavelength? How do you know which of the sixty-eight thousand different shades of sex he's hinting at?
Everyone's sexual desires are deeply buried in their psyches. Precisely what thrills your Quarry goes way back to his childhood. Whether your Quarry wants you to be a sexy siren (like Roger needed) or a sweet young thing (like Christopher preferred) got programmed into his psyche while he was still riding his tricycle.
Our childhood experiences leave an indelible mark not only on our personalities and our temperaments, but on our sexual desires as well. Just like the little ducklings who got imprinted with Dr. Lorenz and waddled after him around the laboratory, any highly emotional incident can become carved into our personal Lovemap. We may remember the incident.
We may not. But the experience leaves its sexual imprint.
Roger remembered the source of his desires. He recalls, as a young boy, walking with his father along Eighth Avenue in New York City, a favorite hangout of prostitutes. As they passed, one lady of the night shouted out to his father, "Hey, big boy, wanna f***?
C'mon, f*** me!" Roger's father jolted, quickly cuffed his hands over his son's little ears, and whisked him away into a cab. Roger speculates his father's profound reaction to the wordsf*** meis what emblazoned the experience in his psychosexual me mory bank.
At breakfast the next morning, Roger asked his father whatf*** meant , and his father, usually very self-assured, became
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flustered. Roger said that at that moment he felt an intense sense of power over his father that he had never felt before. Power, to a male, is very heady stuff. To this day, that's why Roger responds so potently to a woman using that forbidden word.
Sexual imprinting doesn't stop at childhood. Freud said that it's not just two people in bed—it's six; you, your lover, your mother, your father, your lover's mother, and your lover's father. I'd like to expand that list to a include a few more people. Every other lover your man has ever had has influenced what he wants sexually. His core sexual appetite remains the same, but desires for new explorations and experiences continue throughout life.
Let Your Quarry Know You're a Sexual
Adventurer
Practically all men want to continue exploring their sexuality. They are tremendously turned on by a woman who is openminded enough to play.
At The Project I interviewed a man who had recently started dating his girlfriend, Tania. John said their lovemaking was exciting, and Tania seemed open to whatever he did. He was beginning to
have serious feelings (i.e., love) for her. One Sunday they were taking a country drive on a long, lonely road that wound through an enticingly private-looking woods. John started to feel those familiar rumblings. He turned to Tania and asked, "What would you say to a quickie in the woods over there?"
John said Tania had looked at him as though he were crazy.
That night, at her house, as they were about to get into bed, John had another adventurous erotic suggestion. He examined Tania's sturdy dresser, which was just about the right height. Full of hope, he said, "Honey, why don't you sit up on the dresser and we'll do it there?" Again Tania frowned and looked at John as though he had gone bonkers.
Actually, John said, she went along with it, and they made love with him standing and her sitting on the dresser. But her
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initial reaction made him feel dirty and guilty for suggesting this unusual position. He never again proposed any other unusual place or position for sex.
As much as John liked Tania, this was the beginning of the end of their relationship.
Most men want a woman who will be adventurous and accept their requests with open arms, or at least an open mind. Like Diogenes, forever in search of the honest man, males are forever in search of the woman who will fulfill all their fantasies. Huntresses, to get him to fall in love with you, be that woman.
Uncover His Core Fantasies
To extract a man's core sexual preferences, you must peel back the protective layers he's spent years meticulously constructing around them. It is incredible how we casually ask a man about his taste in food, films, books, music, sports, and hobbies, but leave out the most important taste of all. How often do we look a man straight in the eye and ask him, W"
hat turns you on ?"
Asking a man what turns him on requires a bit more finesse, however, than just blurting it out like "Hey, what's your favorite movie?" You should carefully choose the time, the place, the atmosphere, and your attitude. Thetimeshould be a relaxed time, but not when sex is in the immediate picture. The place should be somewhere private, but not the bedroom. The atmosphere should be conducive to letting him talk, uninterrupted, for a long, long time.
Above all, yoautrtitude should be playful, mischievous, hopeful.
Couch the question in a way that leaves no doubt in his mind that you are asking whraetallyturns him on.
Let him know thatanything goes, and the juicier the better. The goal is to get him to sing like a happy canary.
Make Your Quarry Feel Safe Sharing His
Deepest Desires
If you want your Quarry to spill the beans, you must make him feel safe giving you an honest answer to the question,
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"What turns you on?" Set the stage by letting him know that nothing would shock or turn you off. You will not be judgmental. You are a very open-minded woman and, in fact you enjoy far-out sex stories.
How do you do that? Just like an opening act warms up the audience for the main act, you must warm up your Quarry by telling him a story. Get him in the mood to share his own sexual stories by telling him one of yours—some sexual adventure that happened to you or one of your girlfriends.
If you are telling your own story, make sure you come across as innocent, yet sexually adventuresome.
Recount an adventure that lets him know you have a vivid sexual imagination but are
not promiscuous. Also, be careful that your story doesn't hurt his ego or make him jealous. Often it is better to share an exciting sexual experience that "a friend" told you about. Did one of your girlfriends ever go out with a man who was into a menage a trois or play a far-out fantasy with her boyfriend? If so, tell your Quarry about it with a jealous twinkle in your eye, as though you wish it had been you who was so fortunate to find such an imaginative lover.
If you don't have any personal experiences to share with your Quarry, let me tell you about a friend of mine named Alicia. I give you permission to borrow Alicia as "your friend" for the purposes of regaling your Quarry with your sexually adventuresome spirit.
Alicia said she had always fantasized
about being
"raped." Not real rape, mind you, but fantasy rape, a very common female fantasy. Alicia was going out with a fellow named Jim who desperately wanted to go to bed with her. Jim hinted. Jim implored. Jim begged. But Alicia held out. Alicia was a woman of the world and, a trifle bored with her previous lovers, decided she wouldn't have sex with Jim unless she could do ither way .
One Thursday evening, after a movie date, Jim drove Alicia back to her secluded country home, which was miles out in the middle of nowhere. He walked Alicia to her front door and begged to come in. Once again, Alicia demurred. However, this time she said, "Jim, you can't come in now. Not tonight. Not tomorrow night." She saw the familiar disappointment on Jim's Page 278
face. "But," she said, pressing her door key into his hand, "any night after that—don't tell me when—I want you to. . . ."
Alicia then proceeded to tell Jim precisely what she wanted. He would drive up to her house in the wee hours of the morning. The door would be unlocked.
Alicia would be asleep. Jim was to enter her bedroom quietly and sneak past her bed into the bathroom. She told him he would find a condom in the cabinet. He was to take all his clothes off, put the condom on, then stealthily approach her bed.
Alicia wanted Jim to press his hand over her mouth and proceed to tear her nightgown off. She would resist as hard as she could. She would yell and scream, "No! No! Help! Rape!" Since she lived in the middle of the woods, no one would hear. Alicia would then run for the phone to call the police. But Jim would overpower her and "rape" her.
That's precisely what happened. Alicia said she'll never forget the vision of Jim silhouetted by the ray of light streaming from the bathroom door. Only one thing varied from Alicia's plan. Jim didn't "rape" her just once that night. He "raped" her twice. And they made love again as the sun came up.
The beauty of using a third-party story like Jim and Alicia's is twofold. You are not admitting to any wildness yourself that might come back to haunt you later in the relationship, and you are attributing the strange fantasy to the woman, not the man, thus protecting the secrets of other men you've been with.
