My Expectation (My Escort Series Book 3)

by Kia Carrington-Russell

  I waved her goodbye and fumed as I stared at the painting. I was more infuriated that these vile feelings so easily caught in my throat. I wanted to cry and scream at my own emotional roller coaster. I couldn’t even keep up with myself. I began fanning myself with the brochure I held. It suddenly felt extremely hot in the room.

  Damon’s hands wrapped around my waist as he kissed my head admiring the same painting that I did. “What are your thoughts?” he asked on the painting. Before I could respond the cameraman appeared.

  “Hey Mr. Brogardt can I get a photo of you and your beautiful fiancée,” he said indicating for us to get closer.

  “She’s not my fiancée,” Damon casually brushed off as he charmed a smile. Those four words felt like daggers to my heart. I forced a smile before the cameraman left. The room felt as if it were swirling around me as those insecure feelings rose again. He openly said that. Was I not good enough for him? Did he hate the sound of it?

  “Hey what’s wrong?” he asked me noticing I was evidently upset. I tried to push it away, but I couldn’t. I was so angry at him. Everyone’s words within the last few minutes piled on me and all of it mixed and created doubt. “Are you okay? You look hot.”

  “Is the thought of people assuming I’m your fiancée really that bad?” I blurted. We were both caught off guard. I hesitated to take it back and apologize. I had already said it and I was fuming.

  “What?” He asked baffled. “Clover, are you really upset by that?” He looked around to see if anyone else was noticing my quiet outburst. “I never meant it like that, I just don’t want you feeling like you are pressured or anything of the sort.” He went to cup my face, but I felt repulsed by the action. I just wanted to be alone. I stepped away from his hand. I just wanted to cry and scream at him. I wanted to do the same to myself. Why was I reacting like this? I hated myself for it.

  “I’m going,” I said, definite in my decision. I just wanted to be alone.

  “Are you serious, Clover?” Damon tried to reach out to me again but I pulled away and headed for the door. I emptied my wine glass before leaving the room. I still smiled and said goodbye to a few of the people I was familiar with. Well, who were familiar with Damon. I kept myself composed as I walked out and called for a cab. I had mixed emotions. I wanted to be alone and away from Damon who I felt I was most hurt by, but I also wanted to be chased.

  A thick lump rose in my throat as I got into the back of the cab. I hated these irrational thoughts and the pointless distance I had created between us, but something just didn’t feel right. I hated myself. As soon as we were a block away from the gallery and on the way towards home my eyes began to burn. Tears spilled over my cheeks as I looked out to the pedestrians walking on the sidewalk. I tried to distract myself with the bright lights of Manhattan. My quivering lip gave me away.

  I noticed the cab driver look at his rear view mirror once. I wiped my tears vigorously and gave him a direct look. I was so angry. I wanted to chuck a tantrum like a child. I was just so angry and I hated myself for feeling this way. What was wrong with me and why did I even choose a stupid fight with Damon? And yet I felt like I had a point to make or that I would only be reacting like this in case something truly was wrong. What was Damon keeping from me that just didn’t sit right?

  Chapter Ten

  Damon came home not too long after I did. He tried to approach me, but I couldn’t handle a civil conversation. I was still tearing up and angry at myself and didn’t want to say anything that I would regret. I loved him and was so infuriated with myself that I was angry at him and all the accusations and opinions on our relationship I had. It had never bothered me before. Only now. I curled into myself on my side of the bed.

  Eventually he came to sleep beside me. I wanted so badly to reach out and sleep in his arms like I always did. And then I was irritated yet again. With great frustration I couldn’t get to sleep and decided to go to the spare room where I tried to do some reading to ease my thoughts. The room was colder and I had to admit it was the first time I had ever attempted to sleep in there. It was simple with a queen sized bed, two side tables, a wooden polished dressing table and a singular lime green couch in the corner. It looked more like a motel room then a spare bedroom.

  I couldn’t concentrate on the Jane Austen book I was reading, who was my favorite classic go to author. It seemed ironic as I began to read about proposals and marriage.

  The Thursday and Friday after that, Damon and I didn’t see much of one another. I only got more depressed by the separation. Hayden offered to take me out to the pub before he left again, but I kindly declined. It wasn’t fair on him that he had to listen in on my crazy mood swings that not even I could handle.

  I looked at the photo frame on my desk. It was a photo of Megan and me together, I had carried it over since my last job. For some reason it brought me ease every time I looked at it. I tapped on my laptop lightly in thought. Maybe I had to go back home for a few days to clear my head. Maybe my mother and sister could give me some advice. I knew they would be more brutally honest than Hayden and could help me decipher what my insecurities really reflected in my relationship. I had never acted so childishly or insecurely.

  I grabbed my mobile and called my mother’s home number. After the forth ring Ethan answered. I looked at the time and realized it was still early in the day. I heard Megan yelling in the background as his cute voice said ‘hello’.

  “How many times have I told you not to answer the phone,” Megan lectured. I smiled at her motherly tone. The phone was shuffled around and Megan was now answering.

  “Hello, this is Granture residence,” she huffed. I had questioned where exactly she had run from to be sounding so exhausted.

  “What, did you dive for the phone?” I asked mocking her. She let out a relieved sigh.

  “More like fell down the stairs. Ethan is going through a phase to hold long conversations with telemarketers if given the chance,” she mused. “What’s up?” I smiled at the thought of Ethan doing that. It reminded me how much I missed them and right now I felt extremely home sick. By talking to my sister I realized how lonely and exhausted I felt. I choked on my words. I just wanted to know what was wrong with me.

  “I am thinking of coming down for a few nights. I will probably leave when I finish today if you don’t mind?” I said quietly.

  “Well of course that’s fine, is everything okay?” She asked worriedly. A loud sigh escaped my lips.

  “It will be, I think I just need to see you both for a few days and clear my head a little,” I said honestly. “It will be okay. I just have to sort some things out is all.”

  She hesitated for a moment. I could tell she wanted to ask more but instead she left it as it was. “Well alright, but I don’t want you driving down by yourself. Hayden is driving back tonight; I will make him give you a lift.”

  “You two seem to be keeping tabs on one another closely,” I said prying.

  “Not really, I am just keeping tabs on him and the Tupperware containers of mine he has. Mom gave him some homemade food for that motel he stays at. I just want them returned in full. He has no idea how expensive that crap is for me.”

  I laughed at that with a mischievous grin. “Sure, sure. It’s okay but I think the drive will do me good. I’ve gotta go, I’m at work. I will see you tonight.”

  “Awesome, sounds like a plan. I will give Mom short notice and tell her when you’re only an hour out of town so she doesn’t go over the top with her cooking,” Megan mused. I hung up with a sad smile. My stomach rolled with anxiety to see them and letting Damon know. I felt nauseous and grabbed for my bin. I held back my hair as I hurled into the bin pathetically. My nose burned and I spat into the bin disgusted. I felt so pathetically weak.

  Someone opened the door but I hadn’t the effort to look up. I was worried I was going to vomit again.

  “Jesus, Clover,” Hayden cursed as he came in. He closed the door behind him and came to my side crouching beside me. �
��You need to stop stressing yourself out, are you okay?” He put his hand on my forehead measuring my temperature. “You feel fine.”

  “I feel disgusting,” I said pathetically into the bin. The nauseous sensation left me and I grabbed for my second drawer where I have both sanitizer and napkins. I wiped at my mouth disgusted.

  Hayden was still crouched at my side looking at me worriedly. “Are you sure you are okay? You need to go home,” he commented. “Maybe Damon gave you that damn bug he’s got at the moment.”

  With the mention of his name, that nauseous swirl tore through me and I heaved into the bin again. This time Hayden helped me push aside my hair as I slumped. “So disgusting,” I murmured wanting to cry. I had never in my entire life been like this. My mind, body and heart was a mess. I had never felt so unstable and insane before. I didn’t even feel like me anymore.

  “Your sister just called me. I am taking you back to Ithaca with me tonight. I have to come back this Sunday anyway because I have a conference here so it doesn’t faze me,” he said.

  “I can drive,” I murmured. I steadied myself and made sure that I no longer felt ill.

  “In this state, I don’t think so. Besides, it’s not like Megan gave me an option. Oh, where do I buy that Tupperware container shit from?” He asked.

  A smile stretched over my face. “You lost one didn’t you,” I accused. I looked up at him no longer feeling ill and felt as if the color was coming back to my cheeks. He gave me a haunted look.

  “I’m just curious,” he said trying to palm it off.

  “It can be ordered online,” I teased with a knowing smile. His eyes widened as he cursed under his breath.

  “Of all the things I had to lose it had to be her damn containers,” he cursed. I sat up straight in my chair again, no longer feeling ill. The door opened and Damon tried to make sense of what was happening. He burrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Hayden shot up no longer crouching near my side.

  “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been called to a meeting in San Francisco and I could only book a flight for lunch today. I-” he seemed lost for words.

  “That’s fine,” I said in a low tone. We both looked at one another longingly but there was also a lot of hurt. We didn’t know how to talk to one another right now. It was so unlike us. Something was happening and driving a wedge between us. I was the cause of this and yet I didn’t know how to mend it. I still couldn’t justify why I felt so insecure and betrayed.

  Nae peeked from behind Damon with no understanding of the tension. “I accidently bought an extra chicken wrap if anyone wants it.”

  Damon, Hayden and I all looked at one another with friction.

  “I will leave you to it then,” Damon said and walked back out. I wanted to chase after him, but there was a firmness in my ego. Maybe this space was just what we needed. My heart raced and pained over the thought.

  Nae watched Damon as he left and looked between Hayden and me.

  “I’ll have it,” Hayden said trying to break the tension. He put his hand on my shoulder and mouthed if I were okay. I nodded to him trying not to let the tears that felt like they boiled, roll over.

  “I’m only next door if you need me,” he said. “If not, I will pick you up at four. Come on Nae.”

  “Oh, I thought I had to sit with Clover today,” she said genuinely surprised. She seemed rather eager for it.

  “Nah, you’re stuck with me for another day. You can have Clover next week,” Hayden said closing the door behind him. I wanted to call out to him and tell him that I was fine. I felt like I was being unprofessional but couldn’t contain it anymore. My emotions were overflowing. I rested my head in my hands taking deep breaths. I had to get my thoughts together and revert back to the normal sane Clover, pronto.

  Chapter Eleven

  I had fallen asleep in the car while Hayden drove. I felt mentally exhausted, but when I woke up on the outskirts of Ithaca, I grew excited to see my family. Nothing had changed much since I last returned three months ago when Damon and I came for the weekend. Mom flustered over him feeding him anything imaginable. I felt partly neglected on that weekend, it was as if I wasn’t even there. I was both fond of the memory but sad at the thought. What will Mom have to say about all this and my crazy accusations? I still didn’t even have anything to grasp onto firmly other than being upset by what people thought. But even I knew that was petty and it wasn’t the reason why I was mad, I simply couldn’t pin it, which infuriated me more.

  We drove down my Mother’s street, parking in the driveway. The front light was on waiting for our arrival. Hayden dipped his head to peer up, he was looking at where my sister’s room was located and the light was on.

  “She’s home,” I said with a smile. He shot me a glare.

  “I know that, I am just wondering if I could do a runner before she gets down here so I don’t get shot about these stupid containers.”

  I laughed as I pointed out Megan, who was walking through the front door and towards us. “I think you missed your chance.” I heard him say something behind me as I slipped out of the car and opened my arms wide for my sister. She had a large smile as she hugged me. We looked so different, I was more curvaceous in comparison to her sporty figure. Yet there were certain elements that people couldn’t question if we had the same parents. The tan Latino skin was a definite indicator.

  Hayden came around the back of the car with my suitcase. Megan put her hands on her hips.

  “What no hug for me?” He said cockily.

  “How many did you lose?” She accused. He looked offended by the accusation. I was distracted by Ethan who was nine, and Christian, seven, who now ran out yelling Auntie.

  Hayden hugged Megan energetically and playfully. “It was only one but I swear I will buy you a bigger and better one.”

  “You think your charm and hug will trick me,” Megan said trying to break from his hug. I rolled my eyes at the two who so evidently had gotten closer since I last saw them together at my mother’s birthday party where I introduced Damon to them. I had always put a ban on it, but surprisingly now after all these years, they were actually a really good match. Even better, Ethan and Christian really liked him too.

  I hugged them both dearly pressing kisses to their foreheads, much to their distaste. Apparently they were now at the age that slobbery kisses weren’t cool.

  “Hayden, I bought a new soccer ball,” Ethan pushed Megan out of the way and tugged on Hayden’s hand. “Can you show me again how to bounce it on my knee? I tried but the last ball I had was crap and-”

  “Ethan!” Megan lectured. Hayden began to laugh. Christian was now also tugging on Hayden’s shirt. He was slightly more fragile than Ethan.

  “Can you show me too Mr. Zilch,” he said in a respectful student tone.

  “Why can’t you speak more like your younger brother,” Megan exemplified to Ethan. How I had missed them. Hayden laughed and crouched in front of them.

  “It’s getting pretty late now, but what if I come over some other time soon and show you?” He looked at Megan expectantly to see if it was okay. He then smiled charismatically. “But you have to convince your mommy that if I do this, we are even for a tiny little container that I lost.”

  “You know they call that a thing right,” Megan said accusingly. “Like you manipulating young children and stuff. That’s a crime.”

  He flashed a dashing smile. It was almost sickening watching the tension build between the two and knowing that nothing had yet happened. I didn’t understand them at all. Then again I had my own relationship to think about before theirs.

  “Well I better go before your Mom drags me in for dinner, I’ve got something on and can’t stay,” he said. “I will pick you up on Sunday?” He confirmed with me.

  “Sounds good. Thank you Hayden,” I said taking my suitcase.

  “I will see you two later,” he said giving both of the boys a fist bump. He raised his fist to Megan. “Fist me,” he said with a cocky s
mile.

  “You’re an animal. I will not,” she said collecting the boys and ushering them inside. She walked away sassily yet the smile remained on her face. I smiled at the two, dragging my suitcase behind me.

  As soon as I walked through the front door I could smell some kind of meatloaf cooking. I dumped my suitcase near the door and walked around to the left and through the lounge room. Nothing ever changes. Just the usual couches, television and picture frames. I walked through the kitchen and dining room.

  My mother had some light music playing as she piped some cookies swaying her hips slightly to the beat. I hoped that I was jolly as her at that age. Not that she was old, but she wasn’t young either.

  “Hi Mama,” I said. She spun around with the warmest of smiles. No matter how old I was, there was always a welcoming feeling when hugged by my mother. I hugged her tightly familiarizing myself with her florist perfume.

  “Hello Baby, you look gaunt. Have you been eating properly up there?” I let out a long sigh. Instantly my mother noticed my sudden fatigue. I was suddenly self-conscious of what her response might be to my new psychotic tendencies.

  “You want a glass of wine?” Megan asked me over the opened fridge door. She held up a red wine and a bubbly. I pointed to the side with the bubbly. I had to admit, what I missed the most about having my family close is enjoying a few wines over dinner. I felt like I needed it before I spilled my guts and tried to make sense of my head before I returned back to Manhattan.

  Chapter Twelve

  I was laughing hysterically after the first three hours. The boys had been sent to bed hours ago. Megan was enlightening me on some of the things the boys had said and done. My mother was commenting on the mailman who often hit on her, literally the mailman, it was as ironic as the milkman joke. Eventually we delved into the issue at hand, ironically I now didn’t want to talk about it. Laughing with them had distracted me so much.