All My Life

by Susan Lucci

  Although Erica eventually turned into an independent and powerful businesswoman who was much more capable than she ever thought she could be, she surely didn’t start off that way. She was left with a large gaping hole in her heart after her father abandoned her at such a tender age. So many young girls feel that type of early loss and then grow up feeling some sort of responsibility for their abandonment, as if they somehow weren’t lovable enough to keep their father home. Erica spent years blaming her mother, lashing out at her for not stopping her father from leaving. Deep down, she grew up believing that she herself was the real reason he left. Although her father lavished expensive gifts, clothes, and cars on her, he never spent time with her. He never came just to see her. And, he didn’t want Erica to come visit him either. It wasn’t until Erica’s fourteenth birthday, after much begging and pleading, that he finally decided to invite her to Hollywood so they could celebrate her birthday together—or so she thought. Her father supposedly sent the invitation because he thought Erica might enjoy meeting some of the famous movie stars he worked with and knew. It turned out, however, that his career wasn’t quite what it seemed. He was trying to lure a popular movie star to commit to his next project. He also knew this actor was a known pedophile.

  Erica’s birthday came with a cake, fourteen candles, and hours alone in the house with the actor. Her monster of a father thought that if this man could score with her, he would likely agree to star in his project. Erica wound up being raped and became pregnant. Although Erica had the baby—a little girl—her mother, Mona, decided she should give it up for adoption. Erica was still a child herself and was incapable of raising a baby without it impacting her life in unimaginable ways. So she agreed to relinquish the baby without ever seeing her after she was born. Many years later that daughter would be brought back to the show and introduced as a new character, Kendall. Kendall is played by the beautiful Alicia Minshew. Alicia has brought so much to the part and is an absolute joy to work with every day.

  Agnes Nixon is a wonderful storyteller who isn’t afraid to take risks. Although the rape story wasn’t revealed on the show for many years, it was quite controversial when it did air. This type of conflict was typical of the subjects Agnes was willing to tackle. She made it a point to bring complicated issues to the forefront, which was very cutting edge for the times. When Agnes is involved in the writing of a show, the story feels so natural and real.

  Before All My Children made its debut, no daytime show had ever dealt with the Vietnam War in depth. Agnes chose to write about Vietnam at the height of the war, making it every bit as controversial on the show as it was in our country. Agnes perfectly chronicled how the town of Pine Valley, like the rest of the country, was divided between those who supported the U.S. position and those who protested it.

  When Agnes decided to bring the war into All My Children, she did it with dignity and grace. She made sure that all the people filling out the humanity in those scenes—whether they were extras or the “underfives” (meaning actors who had less than five lines)—spoke Vietnamese so there was authenticity for the viewer at home. Whenever Agnes took on a controversial topic, it wasn’t done for self-aggrandizement or superfluous reasons. It was done because these topics were organic to the show and because Agnes feels a deep responsibility to share and spread her knowledge and awareness to others. She included these modern-day issues and concerns in order to draw in a larger audience but also to speak to that broader audience about what issues she thought were relevant to their lives.

  One of the most talked-about stories in our show’s history unfolded in 1973 when Agnes made the decision to have Erica get an abortion. I never realized how big that story would become. I knew we would take some flak from people who didn’t agree with that point of view, but I hadn’t understood just how important it was while we were doing it. My sole focus was to play the scenes strictly from my character’s perspective. In the thick of things, and from Erica’s point of view, it all felt so right to me.

  Agnes started writing the story on the day after Roe v. Wade was decided. The Supreme Court had just declared that women had the constitutional right to choose, which became front-page news all over the country. When it aired, the story made television history because it was the first legal abortion ever portrayed on television. The television show Maude aired a controversial abortion episode in November 1972—two months before the passing of Roe v. Wade—but Maude’s choice was to have an illegal abortion, whereas Erica was free to make the decision without breaking any laws.

  The story began as Erica discovered she was pregnant while married to her first husband, Dr. Jeff Martin, played by Charlie Frank. Charlie was very clean-cut and had the bluest eyes I had ever seen. He very much fit the part of Jeff Martin, a young doctor in the making. Jeff was the older brother of Erica’s high school rival, Tara Martin, and Erica wanted to marry him. She was somehow able to convince Jeff to leave Stanford, where he was studying, and finish his medical education at Pine Valley University. Erica was absolutely determined to marry him. She saw him as a means of escape from her mother’s house and from her horribly boring existence in Pine Valley. She believed that Jeff was going to become a great doctor and thought that when she became “the doctor’s wife,” other people would have to accept her as important, too—a recognition she very much longed for. Even though Erica was just sixteen, she and Jeff eloped across state lines in a snowstorm so they could get married without anyone interfering with their plan.

  Their wedding scene took place in the middle of a faux blizzard. This was my first encounter with fake snow. I wore a beautiful coat and matching fur hat that looked like something we borrowed from Dr. Zhivago. The “snow” was made from what appeared to be tiny plastic shavings. Although it stuck to my hair, ears, and eyes like real snow, it didn’t melt.

  News of Erica and Jeff’s wedding was very upsetting to both of their families. Erica’s mother, Mona, thought Jeff was a very solid young man, though she had tremendous apprehensions about her daughter being married at such a young age. Jeff’s parents, Dr. Joe Martin and his wife, Ruth, had many reservations about their son’s decision to marry Erica, too. The Martins were one of the most established families in Pine Valley. They were well liked and highly respected, as Joe Martin was the chief of staff at Pine Valley Hospital. Joe Martin was an elegant and sensible man who was played with such finesse by Ray MacDonnell.

  On the set, Ray had a mischievous glint in his eyes at all times. He was very funny and made it nearly impossible for actors to look him in the eyes because he was always ready with a joke to make you double over with laughter. Ruth was played by Mary Fickett, who was one of the original stars of the show. Mary was always very kind and down-to-earth, and quite welcoming of me as a young actress just starting out. Grandma Kate Martin, played by Kay Campbell, was also lovely and dear. Grandma Kate was always baking and offering Erica cookies, pie, and such. In many ways, she reminded me of my nana.

  The Martins intimidated Erica because they represented everything she longed for in a family but didn’t have. She never expected to fit in with them because they were all so well educated and refined and she was street-smart and self-taught by comparison. Although they reluctantly accepted her into their family, it didn’t take long for everyone to see through Erica and realize her ulterior motives, which were to live a better life.

  Jeff didn’t have a lot of money since he was still working as a resident in the hospital. He worked long hours for very little pay. Erica was terribly unhappy in the small, cramped apartment they lived in. She had fantasized that her life would be far more idyllic and comfortable than it had turned out to be. Soon after the marriage, Erica realized that she was even more uncomfortable in her new life than she’d been at home with her mom. Bored and with too much time on her hands, she was growing restless and wanted something more out of life than being a stay-at-home wife. She found the perfect job working at Anne Tyler’s boutique as a clothes buyer, which allowed her to
make several trips to New York, where she also started to do some modeling. Her new career set Erica on a path that would open up her world in ways she never imagined.

  Although Erica had been taking birth control pills throughout her marriage to Jeff, she wasn’t taking them regularly, which was a risky thing to do. Jeff and Erica had talked about wanting someday to have children, but when she found out she was pregnant, she feared the baby would interfere with her thriving new career. Erica began justifying reasons not to keep the baby.

  1. They didn’t have a lot of money, so having a baby wasn’t a terribly responsible decision.

  2. Jeff was busy at the hospital and away from home most of the time.

  3. She was on the verge of breaking through as a top fashion model.

  4. She wasn’t emotionally prepared to give a baby the love and attention it would require.

  After she listed her reasons, the only conclusion she could possibly come to was that she had to have an abortion. Erica tried to keep her decision from her husband and his family because she knew they wouldn’t understand or support her choice. When she got to the abortion clinic, however, the doctor informed her that she would need her husband’s consent in writing before he would perform the procedure. Erica used her charm and skills of persuasion to convince the doctor that her husband was very busy at the hospital and couldn’t be reached. She assured the doctor that they had discussed all of their options and had agreed that terminating the pregnancy was the best choice for them. Despite her pleas, the doctor insisted on having Jeff’s signature before performing the procedure. Knowing she would never get Jeff’s consent, Erica forged his name, thinking he would never discover the truth.

  A few days after this, she developed an infection. She tried to ignore it for as long as she could but wasn’t able to hide her pain. She eventually collapsed and was hospitalized. At first, Jeff believed her illness was due to overworking, but then his father, Dr. Joe Martin, discovered that Erica’s infection had been caused by an abortion. Jeff was surprised to discover that his wife had been pregnant and even more shocked by what she had done. When Erica was well enough, he confronted her. While she insisted she’d had the abortion in order to save their marriage, Jeff knew the truth. She had done it for herself and for her career.

  Erica felt abandoned by everybody, as no one took her side, not even her mother. Even though Mona was angry about Erica’s decision to terminate her pregnancy, she also knew that much like the first time Erica became pregnant, she was still too much of a child herself to take care of a baby. Mona was able to talk to Jeff about Erica’s logic, even if she didn’t agree with it and convinced him to give her daughter a second chance.

  Erica’s decision to terminate her pregnancy was extremely controversial. The country was very divided on the issue of abortion and our show was the first to openly tackle the topic, which brought about a lot of discussion. Pro-lifers and Pro-choicers both criticized the story line. As someone who was a part of it all, I had my share of challenges, and the biggest one was that I was actually pregnant when the story began to unfold. I didn’t tell anyone because it was too early to share the good news. I wanted to wait until I was past the first trimester.

  Early in my fourth month, Helmut and I decided to take a vacation to the Bahamas for a few days. When we arrived, I felt like I might be coming down with the flu. My whole body ached and I was gradually developing a lot of pain in my abdomen. Unable to do much of anything, I encouraged Helmut to play a round of golf while I rested.

  By the time he returned to the hotel, I was doubled over in pain and the only place I wanted to be was lying on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Helmut could see that I had to get to a doctor, and fast. He called the front desk to ask for the address of the nearest emergency room. They sent us to a private hospital in Nassau that wasn’t too far from the hotel. I remember the outside of the building was pink stucco and the bars of soap in the facility came from the various hotels on the island.

  It was obvious that I was having a miscarriage. I was in terrible pain, but I didn’t want to show it while we sat in the waiting room. I did my best to put on a brave front, but Helmut and I both knew what was happening. We didn’t need to talk about it. The doctors immediately performed a D&C, which was a very uncomfortable procedure. The worst pain, however, was in my shattered heart because I had been very much looking forward to becoming a mother.

  We caught the next flight back to New York, where there was a terrible ice storm pounding the metropolitan area. As the plane began its approach into JFK, it made a sudden and unexpectedly sharp drop. I had never experienced anything like that before. When it happened, I was walking back to my seat from the bathroom. As the plane quickly dipped, my head hit the ceiling and I was thrown to the ground. I remember thinking that if I hadn’t had a miscarriage in Nassau, I most likely would have had one on the plane from the impact of that fall. When I made it back to my seat, I noticed a pretty flight attendant sitting next to my husband. The turbulence was so bad that she’d grabbed the first available seat—next to Helmut. I took one look at her and thought, If this plane is going down, I’m the one who’s going down with Helmut—get out of my seat! There wasn’t an ounce of Erica in that thought—that was all me!

  Thankfully, we landed safely. My mother met us at the airport to help in any way she could. A few days later, I saw my personal physician, who told me the pregnancy had been fine, but he thought I wasn’t getting enough folic acid in my diet, which may have caused the miscarriage. Of course, today most pregnant women take a folic-acid supplement along with prenatal vitamins, but back then, we didn’t have this knowledge. I had no way of knowing that I could have prevented the loss.

  In an ironic twist, after leaving my doctor’s office, Helmut and I were walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City when a woman approached us. She looked at me and then turned to Helmut and said, “What’s the matter with you? This woman just had an abortion! She should be back in the hospital, she’s sick!” Of course, she had no idea what we had actually just been through. She was referring to Erica and the story she obviously was watching unfold on the show.

  I felt a great sense of loss for our unborn child that seemed to linger for months. At home, Helmut and I privately mourned, while I did the best I could at work each day, shooting the emotionally charged scenes surrounding Erica’s abortion.

  I never shared the details of my miscarriage with anyone on the set, including Agnes. I made a decision very early in my career to leave personal baggage at home and to use that emotion only when it was essential to my work. I always closely guarded the private details of my life, which meant no one ever really knew what was happening behind my closed doors.

  I have been asked many times in interviews and by fans if I had a problem doing the abortion story line. I didn’t. First and foremost, when I read the script, I really believed that those words, in the context of the character of Erica Kane, were exactly right. I never thought about how I felt—only about whether or not the story was right for Erica. Still, there were many times after the story aired that I remember going places where people stared at me in judgment.

  “There goes that Erica Kane! Imagine, she had an abortion!” The tsk-tsks were audible everywhere. The ongoing comments followed me from the sidewalks of Manhattan to elevators in office buildings. I wasn’t even safe in church. I remember going to confession one day in my hometown. I was seated in the pews saying my penance and there were people down the row and in the pew in front of me. As I continued, they were whispering loud enough for me to hear.

  “Oh my God!”

  “Can you believe she is praying?”

  “I’m disgusted.”

  I wanted to remind those women that I didn’t have an abortion—my fictitious character did. They weren’t judging the character I play—they were judging me, the actress. I always thought there was no safer place to be oneself than in church. Their judgmental comments didn’t stop me from going, but they di
dn’t make it easy either.

  Interestingly, during the writing of this book, Agnes told me that at the time there was an additional controversy surrounding this story line that I knew nothing about. Many fans thought Erica was the wrong character to have the abortion because she was already the bad girl in town. It wasn’t all that far-fetched for her to have made such a decision. Thousands of people wrote in saying that they thought it made more sense for Nurse Mary Kinnecott, the resident good girl who had grown close to Jeff when Erica had deceived him, to be faced with such a big decision. This angle certainly would have been very compelling, but it didn’t end up playing out that way. I was glad to have had the opportunity to be a part of this landmark story line, as it set a precedent for many more important stories to come, all of which I would gratefully and fearlessly take on and make my own.

  Aside from the abortion and miscarriage stories, there were other story lines over the years that mirrored, to some degree, and even paralleled things that happened in my life. For example, Agnes didn’t know that I had gone through a windshield at the age of nineteen when she decided that Erica would suffer a terrible disfiguring accident. She was bandaged similarly to how I was bandaged during my many months of recovery. My experience served me well, because once again, I could draw upon very personal events and bring those emotions to the character.

  I was told very early in my training that the biggest secret to Method acting was that you can’t remember an emotion per se, but you can remember the circumstances surrounding all of the things that happen in your life. This can include songs, smells, places, words—anything the mind retains—because those details are what help bring the memories and emotions flooding back. Look, life happens, so we may as well place those events, good and bad, somewhere that eventually helps us get through whatever else life brings in the future. This is just as good advice for an aspiring actor as it is for the rest of us who like to live life to its fullest and greatest potential every day.