Same Old Song

by Brenda Dorantes

  "I like to see your face," I said in a form of explanation. I pull her hair behind her ear and with my thumb, I caress her reddish cheek.

  The fine line is gone and the edges of her lips curve into a sweet smile, the smile she reserves for me. I've noticed because every time we're alone that smile is there. Always. I like to think it's there because of me.

  "I'm concerned," she said, taking me out of the thoughts about her smile. It's no longer there, now she's just biting her lip. A sign of fear rather than concern. "I'm concerned about after this is all over, we no longer talk. I mean, we're all going to be busy with our new lives."

  All.

  She's only concerned about all of us, not only me. I can't deny the disappointment I feel of not being her only concern, but Kathy is the type of person who puts everyone first before herself. I take my hand away from her face and take her hand. It's cold when I touch it, so I bring it up to my lips and blow hot air against it, softly rubbing it with both of my hands. Kathy's eyes never leave mine as I do this. Her pinkish lips part and I could feel her skin underneath my hand burst in goosebumps.

  "You shouldn't be concerned about that," I said, taking her other hand and repeating the same process. "They're all going to stay here in Seattle, right?"

  "What about you? Are you staying here, too?" Her hands grab a tight hold on mine. Her knuckles turn white. "That's what I'm afraid of. You said you would be traveling around the world if you get picked, I'll be here and I really can't see it being the same without you here."

  My heart just skipped beats with her words. She's going to miss me, but that's if I get chosen. There are the odds that I may not, maybe I will. I’m not pessimistic, but I am a realist. There's no possible way to tell what's going to happen. Kathy did say once she dreams about traveling, experience every culture, learn about the world. But she's staying here, she's not planning on leaving. At least not now.

  "There's no way to tell what's going to happen, Kathy," I said. I lower my eyes at our hands that hold on tightly. "There's a possibility I may not be chosen. Then I guess I'll stay here and there will be nothing to worry about."

  Staying here with Kathy is something that sounds more appealing than leaving, but what would the price of it be? My career? My life?

  One of her hands let go of mine. She placed it on the side of my face, her thumb caressing my cheek and her eyes locked with mine.

  "I can bet anything that they'll choose you, Aidan. They'll be stupid not to."

  I smile at her contact and tilt my head to kiss her palm. I take her hand with my free hand and hold it there. Her touch is comforting. It feels right to have her hand in mine and I’m more convinced with every passing day that there’s not two people in the world more suited for each other than we are. We don't say anything for a couple of minutes, we stood there in silence, in the cold, our hands locked together and our eyes never looking away.

  "I know that you're going to be great," she said in a whisper. "You're going to be okay, Aidan."

  I nod, not entirely sure if I will, but it feels good to play along.

  "Yes. I will."

  She takes her hands away and steps back. The walk back to her dorm is quiet, with Kathy keeping her arms wrapped around herself and I keep my hands hidden in my pockets. At this point, there isn’t more to be said. Sometimes, even silence is the most intimate part of our relationship.

  She stops walking once we reach her building and looks at me. "Tomorrow at the same time?"

  "Yeah." I slide my hands out of my pockets and give her a shy smile. I want to give her a hug, but I’m not entirely sure how to do that without making an awkward move.

  Her lips press into a line for a moment, like she’s debating whether it’s a good idea or not, whatever it is she’s thinking, then says, "just one more thing."

  She steps forward.

  Before I have the chance to ask what, she took my face between her hands and her lips are pressed against mine. My eyes pop wide open. This is not what I was expecting. My first reaction is to wrap my arms around her, but as soon as she comes, she pulls away. I stared at her in utter shock and she managed to smile that sweet smile, making her actions right now seem so innocent.

  Kathy shrugs her shoulders and says, "You were taking long. I'll see you tomorrow." And turns around, walking to the building like nothing happened.

  I can't help but smile like an idiot as I walk back home. I can still feel her soft lips on mine, even if they were locked for a second or two. I took too long? She was expecting me to kiss her at some point and took matters into her own hands. Now I regret not doing it sooner and if I wouldn’t have been overthinking over a damn hug, I would have done it much differently.

  * * *

  The next day, Kathy acts like nothing happened. I decided to go along with the game for the sake of not making things awkward. Who knows if she feels the same way now than she did last night. We are also with Alex, Matthew and the girls having lunch and not a good place to bring up our improvised kiss. She ate, she talked, she laughed, she sighed. Ever since we met she's the only thing that happens around me.

  It’s amazing how one person can change the way you see things, how one person can make an impact on you in a way no one ever has. And that’s exactly what's happening with Kathy. Ever since we met, I see the world from a different angle. Smell the air differently. Look at it with different eyes. What used to be music and I, is now Kathy and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  We head back to the rehearsal room after school. We continue with our normal routine; I play while she listens. Hours pass in which I practice when her phone interrupts us. I stop playing and look at her while she checks the caller ID.

  "It's my mom," she said, standing up. "Hey, mom." I hear her say before she walks out of the room.

  I continue practicing while she’s on the phone with her mo- m outside. Twenty minutes go by and she's not back yet. I wonder what's going on. Kathy never takes long on the phone, but I figure with her mother living in another state, she must miss talking to her. I slowly stand up and approach the door. I can hear her voice on the other side of the door the closer I get. She doesn’t sound calm or happy, she sounds upset.

  I know it's bad to eavesdrop, but I can’t help my curiosity. I want to know what's making her so angry.

  "I'm trying, Mom, I really am. It's hard to find a job, they won't take me, okay? Just please, don't ask me to go back," Kathy cried.

  She can't find a job? I know Kathy has been looking for a job before we started rehearsing together, but it’s always a subject she’s kept to herself. Why hasn’t she mentioned not finding a job? I continue to listen.

  "You can't do this to me," she sobbed. "I need your help, how am I supposed to eat, pay rent and everything I need if I have nothing?"

  I slowly open the door so she doesn’t notice I'm listening and look at her. She's standing against the wall, running her hand through her hair every five seconds, letting me see her swollen eyes and her wet cheeks. Her face is flushed and stained with tears.

  "So, that's why you're doing it? Just so I don't have any other option than to go back to Oceanside. You know the exact reason why I don't want to go back, but you don't care." She wipes the tears away with her sleeve. "If you cared you would fucking do something about it!" She snaps and drops her phone.

  I watch her slide down the wall until she's sitting on the hard, marble floor with her legs spread out in front of her and… cries. I walk out of the rehearsal room and take a seat next to her in the exact same position. She doesn’t acknowledge me at first. We sit there in silence, looking at the wall for a couple of minutes, maybe hours, there's no way to know.

  "I didn't want you to hear that." She finally breaks the silence. Her voice is sad, very sad.

  "You can't find a job.” It's not a question, I know by the sound of distress in her voice when she was on the phone. The question is why didn’t she tell me before? I could have helped her.

  She shakes
her head.

  "No. Not even as a fucking janitor. I’ve applied to so many companies, internships, gone on so many interviews and… nothing. I thought college was supposed to open the doors to success. Sounds like bullshit to me now." She looks down at her fingers. Tears start forming in her eyes as her lips press together to hold back a sob. My heart breaks seeing her so upset. "I have nothing, Aidan. Nothing," she cried, her voice breaking in mid-sentence.

  I immediately wrap my arms tightly around her, pulling her to my chest. I let her cry, let it all out as I slowly rub her back, caress her hair and whisper soft words to her as she cries. Her entire body is shaking and I can feel her heartbeat hammering against my chest. I don't make her talk, I don't make her explain anything to me, I just let her let it all out.

  After a while, she's not crying anymore, she's not even moving. I wonder if she fell asleep. I move under her, carefully not to straddle her. Her eyes, swollen and red, yet still beautiful staring back at me. Her lips are slightly open, her cheeks are flushed with the adorable reddish color. She leans back, her head against my shoulder and looks at me through her thick eyelashes.

  She tells me everything. She tells me her mom wants her back home. She tells me that her mother wants her home to the point where she'll leave her with nothing so she has no other choice than to go back. She tells me about the problems with her mother's husband and how many times he tried to seduce her. She tells me she never felt this free in her entire life. She tells me she doesn't want to go home because her home is here, with all of us. She tells me there's no other place she wants to be if it's not here with the guys and the girls and with me. She tells me this is home, right where we are right now.

  I tell her that as long as I can, I'll make sure she will always be home, safe and never let it go. She thanked me and she tells me she’s happy that she met me. She tells me that she's really lucky to have me with her.

  I tell her, "No, I'm the lucky one."

  Chapter Seven

  Aidan

  Today is the day.

  The audition is in three hours and my nerves are all over the place. I pace around the dorm, biting my nails, running my hands through my hair, tugging it and groaning at the growing ache in my stomach. My heart hammering against my chest. My body is breaking out in a sweat and I can’t keep it steady. I'm paranoid and this is not a good sign. What if I mess up? What if I don't get it?

  Everyone is in the dorm with me waiting for the time to come. Leila and Alex are cuddling on his bed; Jessie and Matthew are watching a movie and Kathy is sitting on my bed reading Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover. I'm the only person in the dorm who's pacing around like a crazy person.

  "Okay, you're making me dizzy." Kathy puts her book down on her lap and looks at me.

  Today her hair is over her shoulder in a perfect braid and some of her hair that’s not caught by the braid is hanging on the sides of her face.

  "Would you sit down and take deep breaths? You look like you're about to pass out. That's the last thing you need right now."

  "I can't." I keep on walking, running my hands through my hair. "Anything can happen. What if-"

  "Enough!" Kathy stands up and leaves the book on the bed. "You need some fresh air. We'll be back," she said to the others who are too busy cuddling to even notice us leaving.

  Kathy takes my hand and guides me out of the dorm. We walk down the hall to the elevator, hands joined, ignoring the weird looks my neighbors down the hall are giving us. Yeah, I get it. The music freak got a girl now. The ride in the elevator is dramatically slow and agonizing. It felt as if the walls were shrinking on me and the air was limited. Why couldn't we take the stairs?

  The fresh air of a February morning is well welcomed to my lungs when we walk outside.

  Kathy hands me my car keys. "Where do you usually go when you're out of the rehearsal room?" She asked.

  "Uh." I think about it. "Oh, yeah. I go to this amazing coffee shop called Poppy's Café." My heart is finally normalizing its speed, I really did need to get out of the building.

  Kathy claps her hands and jogs to my car. "Come on, we only have two hours before the audition."

  Kathy takes control over my phone and radio, as usual, as we drove to Poppy's Cafe, picking out the songs and changing the ones that were too silent.

  "Hm, this is different," she said, looking through my music library.

  "What?" I asked, glancing quickly at her before turning my attention back at the road.

  "You have The Rolling Stones."

  I can see the huge smile on her face out of the corner of my eye. Beast Of Burden starts right after Beethoven finished. It's a really fast change in the mood. Kathy starts to sway her head from one side to another, singing along with the lyrics with her eyes closed. I have to admit, it's kind of funny how she mocks the tone of the singer. Especially at the high parts. She motions me to join her several times, but I don't think my singing skills are as good as my playing skills. But the sight of her is so appealing, so happy and carefree, it'd be a crime not to join her. So, I do, no matter how ridiculous I feel, I sing with Kathy in the car, volume on blast and windows down. If she’s trying to make me feel better by this funny act, she achieved it.

  I park in my usual spot and run around the car to open Kathy's door for her when we get there.

  "My lady," I said, with a fake a British accent. It came out better than expected.

  Kathy smiled with that sweet smile of hers when she stepped out of the car. "Why, thank you."

  We walk to the always busy coffee shop. I inhaled deeply the amazing smell of freshly made coffee when we walk in, it always makes me feel at home. The shop is as crowded as the last time I came, which comes to no surprise why Mr. Manuel is always in such a hurry.

  Speaking of the devil, he spots me from the other side of the register.

  "Aidan, you're here!" He leaves the register to his sister in law and walks around the register with his arms wide open and gives me a tight hug. "Oh, and who's this?" He looks at Kathy with his always welcoming smile, taking her hand and placing a kiss on her knuckles. "Mr. Manuel, at your service."

  Kathy blushed a deep shade of red and giggled nervously.

  "Manuel, this is Katherine, she goes to the same college as me."

  "Nice to meet you, young Katherine. Come, your usual spot is always reserved for you." He led us across the shop to my usual spot and pulled a chair from an empty table nearby and motioned Kathy to sit down. Once we took our seats, he said, "I'll bring you your white hot chocolate mocha. What would the lady have?"

  "Um, I'll have a hot chocolate, please," she said with a friendly smile.

  "Right away." Mr. Manuel walks away with his usual enthusiasm, shouting orders at his employees.

  Kathy looks at me with an arched brow.

  "You come here often?" She asked, pulling one of her loose hairs behind her ear. She takes a quick glance around the shop before laying her beautiful brown eyes on me.

  "Yeah. I come here when I want some alone time, or when I want to write a song, something like that. Mr. Manuel hired me to play on Wednesdays." I point to the stage behind her.

  She looks over her shoulder and back at me. "So, you don't have stage fright?"

  I laugh. "No, I'm used to people being around when I play." I shrug my shoulders.

  Kathy gives me that sweet smile again. The thought of playing for someone doesn't scare me, it's the thought for what I'm playing that terrifies me. I look out the view we have next to us, Kathy follows my stare.

  "It's beautiful," she said without taking her eyes off the view. "It's beautiful what you can find around the corner."

  I look at her. "Not beautiful enough."

  The words fly out of my mouth before I have the chance to think about it. Her brown eyes look at me wide-eyed, her lips pressed together and her cheeks gain the cute reddish color again. I smile at her cute reaction. She's really not used to compliments. Mr. Manuel comes back five minutes later - interrupting our st
aring contest - to give us our order and a plate of freshly made cookies. Cookies that taste amazing.

  We spent the next hour talking, talking, and eating cookies. Mr. Manuel made sure to keep our cups filled and that we never ran out of cookies. Kathy blushed every time Mr. Manuel gave her a compliment and gave him a shy smile. He really liked her and even threw hints that he expected to see her again as he walked us out of the shop.

  It’s only thirty minutes before the audition when we get back to the dorms. The panic that I had already overcome, sneaks up on me as we walked to the theater. My heart starts picking up speed and cold chills start running through my body like an electrical current. The fear was coming right back. What if I do something wrong? What if I'm not good enough?

  I stop right at the door with my hand holding the handle, but I can’t move. Can I do this? Am I ready to do this?

  This is what I've been playing for my entire life, this moment right here, right now. This could be the start of the life I've always wanted. I can't give up now, I can't. I need to have this under control because I can do this. This is just another day in the rehearsal room with Kathy sitting beside me as I play. It's just another rehearsal.

  I feel her hand touch my shoulder and when I look at her, she gives me a squeeze.

  "You are going to be okay, Aidan," she said.

  The others said something after her, but I don’t listen to them because my brain is too busy to pay attention to anything that is not her. She's here and that's all I need. I nod, swallowing the tight knot in my throat.

  I open the door and hold it open for the rest of the group. They leave to take their seats in the theater right after wishing me good luck. I'm hugged and patted on the shoulder left and right. Alex holds on longer than usual, and trust me, it's rare that we ever hug. Nothing good ever comes out of it. But this time, he holds on longer and says, “you can do this, Aidan.”