Same Old Song

by Brenda Dorantes

  "You don’t realize how lucky you are," he continued. "Being able to have children with the woman you love. I wish Leila and I could have that. You have it, you have that chance and yet you don't appreciate what you have. Do you want to be one of those people who don't appreciate what they have until it's taken away?"

  I remained silent, looking down at my hands. Why does everyone have to have a point? Why do they all make me feel complete shit about myself? Maybe because the only way to really have someone listen to you is by being straight and speak what's wrong. I've been deaf and blind this entire time, I never realized what was happening.

  "Aidan, do you really love Katherine?" He asked. "Do you love your daughter?"

  "Of course I do," I groan. "They're my reason for being."

  "Then stop this, Aidan. Stop right now and fix things. Do you want your daughter and that baby that's on it's way to grow up in a separate family? Five days with Katherine, two with you? One would be the least if she wants you to see them. Do you really want that?"

  No, I don't. I shook my head, laying my head down on the table. No, I don't want that. I've never wanted that. I never wanted things to turn out like this.

  I have to go home. I need to fix things for me, my wife, our daughter and now that baby on the way. God, I didn’t even think I wanted more children but there's no going back. What's done, it's done. After long moments of silence I stand up and take my car keys.

  "I'm going home," I tell my brother. "I hope it's not too late to save my marriage."

  Alex doesn't give me any positive attitude or hope. He simply says, "I hope so too, Aidan. For the sake of Katherine, my niece and that baby because all I want for them is to be happy. And I want my brother to be happy as well."

  It's four in the morning and I haven't had time to sleep at all. The alcohol is down now, I'm all sobered up and I know what I have to do. I'll fight back. I'll push right back and get on my feet. I won't let Katherine go through this alone, I won't let her down. Not again.

  When I get home, Elizabeth's door is open and her light is on. I slowly make my way up to her room and peek inside. Katherine is standing next to the crib, looking down at our daughter, sniffing and cleaning her tears away with the end of her sleeve. She looked so sad and thoughtful. I take a deep breath, gathering all the courage I have inside me and walk in. Katherine looks at me with both anger and anxiety in her eyes.

  "I told you to leave," she whispered with a hoarse voice. "I told you to leave. You need to leave right now."

  "I'm not letting you give up on me," I whisper. "And I'm not giving up either." She opened her mouth trying to talk back but I stop her. "I made mistakes. Terrible mistakes but I don't feel ready to leave your side. Not now or ever. I will do whatever it takes, Katherine. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it to be the man you married. I'll do whatever I can to be the man that can give you everything you want because that's what you deserve. Just don't give up on me, please. Don't leave me. For the sake of us and also of our daughter... And our baby."

  She looks down at her stomach, more tears began falling down her cheeks. She lets out a sob, hugging herself.

  "I'll go to therapy," I continued. "I'll talk to whoever you want me to talk to, I will. And you know why? Because I love our family more than anything in this world. I'm not letting you leave me. You said you were done, but you're not and I'm not. I care more about you and our children more than what you can think of. And perhaps I didn't show it these past months, but I am going to do that now. Just give me one more chance."

  Her expression is unreadable. She takes a few steps toward me, her eyes locked with mine.

  "Do you seriously mean it?"

  "I do."

  She takes my face between her hands, almost too hard. "Do you really want us to work it out, Aidan?"

  "Yes," I breathe and close my eyes.

  "Look at me in the eyes."

  I do.

  She swallows and takes a deep breath. "You have to promise me you will stop drinking. Throw all the alcohol away. Control your temper and stop the fights. No more bullshit, Aidan. You have to change, you have to move on. I need my husband back. I need you to come back to us. You have to make it up to us, do you understand?"

  "I will."

  She nods, biting her lower lip. I leaned forward, pressing my forehead against hers. She closes her eyes, letting go of my face and grabs a grip on my shoulders. I grabbed her by the waist with one hand and the other I cup the side of her face. She lets out a quiet sob and shakes her head. I kiss her nose and forehead.

  "We are going to fix this, Katherine," I told her. "We are going to be okay."

  She doesn't say anything. She just lays her head to my chest and hugs me tightly around the waist. I hugged her back just as tight and looked at our sleeping daughter over her head and we remained like that for almost the entire night.

  Things will get back to the way they used to, I'll make sure that happens. For the sake of my daughter, for Katherine and our baby.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Aidan

  Weeks Later...

  The waiting room is quiet. The receptionist sits there flirting with the delivery guy, twirling her auburn hair around her finger and biting her lip. It annoys me to sit here and have to wait for a therapist that I did not want to see in the first place but I have no other choice, I have to do it for my family.

  I'm let in once the last patient leaves. It's a divorced woman whose husband left her for her sister three years ago and her daughter blames her for the abandonment of her father. I know this because the receptionist knows nothing about keeping things confidential and spends her free time telling other patients or the delivery guy about other people's problems. At least the ones that are interesting to listen to. It makes me wonder how many people have she told my story to.

  As usual, I sit there in Moore's office without speaking. He's a tall man with black hair that makes contrast with his bright blue eyes. He sits down with one leg crossed over the other and a notebook on his lap. He twirls his pencil on the table beside him as he watches me silently.

  I tap my foot or look out the window but I ignore him completely. He doesn’t do anything either, he just sits there looking at me and taking notes every once in a while. On what does he take notes of? I have no idea. Katherine will be mad if she finds out I've been ignoring the meetings but I don’t want to be here.

  "Are you going to say anything, Aidan?" Moore asked.

  "Like?"

  "Anything. You're here because you want to talk to me and I listen but the last two sessions you haven't said anything," he points out. He puts his notebook to the side and leans forward on his elbows. "Why don't we try something?"

  I sit back, tapping my foot, waiting for him to continue. Judging by the look on his face, he knows that whatever he's thinking will not end well and it worries me.

  "Let's talk about your son-"

  "No."

  "Why not?" He asks.

  "Because I am not in the mood to talk about my son. Anything else but that." I look out the window, clenching my fists holding back the urge to throw something.

  "You know, your wife did tell me that it was a prohibited subject for you. Your son, the death of your son, everything that has to deal with him," he says. "Why are you ignoring what happened?"

  "I’m ignoring what happened? No, I'm not. I just don't feel the need to talk about him," I muttered.

  "That doesn’t sound convincing. What's the matter, Aidan? What bothers you?"

  I laugh this time. He really wants to know what bothers me?

  "You know what bothers me? Well, what bothers me is that I have to come here and talk about a situation that's between me and my family-"

  "Your family is falling apart," he replied.

  "Don't you think I know that?" I snapped. "If I accepted to come here it wasn't because I wanted your help. I came here because it was the only other thing that prevents me from losing my family."

  "The
n what's the use of coming here if once she knows all you do here is nothing but sit there and act like a five-year-old, she'll figure that maybe you're not worth fighting for anymore."

  "That’ll be for her to determine, not you.”

  “And when she does, will you be able to take it? Will you be able to let her go for her own sake and not yours?”

  I hate to admit it but yes, as much as it frightens me the idea of her leaving me, I’d let her go if she chose to. I wouldn’t be able to take it, no, and if there’s only one person left in this world which I could share it with, it would always be her. I do not want her to live a life of misery and pain. I want her to be happy.

  I lean back on the couch and look down at my hands.

  "I could have prevented it," I said. "A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think of the many ways I could have prevented his death, prevented all this. I could have said no to Alex. I could have stayed home with Katherine and Elizabeth. I could have left him home and gone alone instead of taking him. Every day I think of all the things I could have done differently and he would still be here with his mother."

  I stay silent for a couple of minutes waiting for him to say something, but he doesn't. When I look back up, Moore is writing in his notebook quickly. When he’s done, he leaves the notebook aside and looks at me.

  "Think about this, Aidan: Leila, Alex and Katherine."

  "What about them?"

  "They are guilty too. Now, before you say anything, hear me out. You said the death of your son could've been prevented by you. Not taking him, leaving your brother's house sooner or driving better and many other ways you could have thought. But you're not the only one who could have prevented the accident. What if Leila was never so insistent on having a child? What if she never called Alex a child? Then he wouldn't have called you. What if Alex didn't invite you for the 'playdate,' then you and your son would've never left your home and the day would end up like any other. What if Katherine had decided she didn’t want you to take him because of how late you’d be home, would you have taken him still?"

  "No."

  "Then your son would have never been in that car and then when the accident happened, you would only come out with minor injuries. The thing is that they never did so, they could have prevented his death but they didn't. Are they guilty too?"

  "No, they're not because..."

  "Because what, Aidan? Because they are not you? That's the thing, they could have prevented it too. They didn't. Yet you are the one who lives day by day blaming yourself because of what happened, because he was with you because you love him so much that the idea of him torments you, not the cause of his death." He took a pause to take a deep breath before continuing. "In the weeks you've come here I have never heard you speak his name."

  "And?"

  "Why haven't you said his name?"

  Is he being serious now?

  "Because I already know it," I reply.

  "Tell me his name because I don't know it. What is his name, Aidan?" He kept insisting.

  "You don't need to know it."

  "Yes, I do."

  "No."

  "Tell me his name!"

  "I'm not," I fight back.

  "Tell. Me." He sat up and looked me straight in the eyes. "Tell me his name, Aidan. Why don't you want to tell me his name?" I don't answer his goddamn question and grip my hair. "Say his name and you'll be able to leave-"

  "Charlie!" I screamed his name after almost seven months. I stop and look down at my hands. Tears began to form in my eyes. "His name... His name was Charlie. He loved his mother and his sister so much. His face..." I stop for a second just picturing his face. "He wore glasses and somehow he always got them dirty… maybe because of how much he liked when Katherine would poke his nose when she cleaned them. He never wanted to go to sleep without his mother tucking him in bed..." I take another pause remembering that night. My chest clenches at the memory. The sight of him in the back seat of the car as he fought to stay awake. "That night he wanted his goodnight kiss and he never got it."

  "There's only so much I can do," Moore said. The same words Katherine said to me. "But you need to want this help. If you want a change, it starts with you and in order to do that is not by ignorance. You have to take control of your life before this guilt ruins it. That's all I can tell you for now."

  * * *

  I see Katherine standing in the living room from the window when I park the car. She's holding Elizabeth in her arms, slightly moving from one side to another, whispering something to her. Elizabeth is laying her head on her shoulder, her small mouth is curved into a smile. Katherine’s eyes are closed and her free hand rubs our daughter’s back. It only takes me a moment to realize she is singing to her. They both look so beautiful… so peaceful… Katherine turns around and looks at me from inside the house. I take that as my cue to walk in.

  "How did it go?" She asks.

  "Okay," I lie. It couldn't have gotten worse. I take Elizabeth from her and kiss her head. From the corner of my eye I see how Katherine tensed but later relaxed. "You're okay?" I ask her.

  "I'm fine. I'll get a dinner set." She made an attempt to leave but I took her hand.

  Even when she said she was giving me a second chance with the exception that I went to see Moore, I still feel her a little distant and sometimes she even avoids me. She won't look me in the eyes, but who am I to blame her?

  "Why do you avoid me?" I ask.

  She chuckled humorlessly. "You almost slept with a college girl," she replied.

  Wow. I deserve that. I let go of her hand and nodded. Katherine sighs and runs her hands through her hair.

  "I know that you're sorry and everything, Aidan. I just need a little time, okay?"

  "I love you." I've said that more these past few weeks than I ever had. I need her to know that no matter what happens, that's never going to change.

  She sighs again and looks down at her feet. She never did that before. It’s as if she didn't know how to respond to it. It was easy, or at least it used to be. I really messed up this time. Katherine won't even sleep with me in the same room. I have to sleep in our guest room that's right next to our room and even when there's only a wall between us, I have to hold back the urge to get up and walk in there to hold her, but I don't. I can't do that to her.

  Just say it back, please. I beg in my head for her to say it back. She hasn't said it back since that night and it scares me. I can't lose her.

  "I know you do," she said before walking to the kitchen.

  * * *

  I roll on my back and stare straight at the ceiling. I hate when the night comes along and I have to be here alone. Sometimes I feel as if the room is a giant oven and I'm laying here, slowly being burnt alive. My mind seems to remind me of every mistake I've made these last months. Every single little thing and the worst outcome of it all is that my wife needs time apart from me and I can't be away from her.

  The silence is deafening, I could hear the clock down the hall from here. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. But the sound is suddenly interrupted by another one. A sound sadder than silence itself. A sob.

  I sit up in bed, listening carefully to identify where the sound comes from. It comes from our room, the one Katherine sleeps in. I get out of bed and walk to our room. When I open the door, Katherine lays on her side, curled up in a small ball. She tries to muffle her sobs but fails to do so. It breaks my heart. I walk over and lay down beside her, hoping she won't kick me out. She doesn't move. She continues to cry, ignoring the fact that I'm here. I wrap my arms around her tightly, making her get out of her ball form and pressed her against my chest. Our hands joined in a strong grip over her chest and her body lost its tensity. She relaxes with me and her breathing becomes more regular. I kiss her cheek and with my jaw, I pull some hair away from her face that's slightly soaked with her tears and lay my head next to hers.

  "I'm so tired," she whispered. She kept her eyes closed as I kissed her tears away. I kn
ow she's tired. We all are. "Thank you."

  I shake my head. She shouldn't be saying that to me.

  "Don't thank me," I say. I don't deserve it. I haven't done anything that deserves a thank you. I owe her so much.

  I laid my head down next to hers, holding her tightly and we both fell asleep.

  Part Three: Continuation

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Aidan

  Six Months Later...

  I watch from afar as my wife walks along the side of the beach holding our daughter's hand. It’s a windy day, the air blew her dress and her hair covered her face but it doesn’t seem to bother her at all. She stood at a safe distance from the water but only close enough where the water could reach her feet. Elizabeth would jump with joy when the cold water touched her tiny feet, she giggled and reached down to touch the soaked sand.

  They're both facing the beach as the sun began to set and the sky started to turn into many different colors. Red, yellow, orange and pink. Katherine raised her hands in the air, feeling the air that slighting hit her and her eight-month belly. Soon after she discovered she was pregnant, she went to her doctor's appointment where they told her she was two months into her pregnancy.

  Elizabeth called her name to get her attention and show her the beautiful seashells she found. Katherine bent down as far as her stomach would let her and took it from her hand. They both looked at it amazed, pointing to its different features. Katherine then looked over at me and waved at me to come over.

  I walk down to the beach, taking Elizabeth and set her over on my shoulders. Katherine took my hand and we walked along the side of the beach, looking at the sun set and it was time to go home.

  It’s been more complicated than I imagined, trying to fix things, trying to get them to be what they used to but we try every day. Things weren't back to perfect from day one, I mean, neither are they today but we are happy… for the most part. There are days where things do get a little impossible and others where things are good.