Same Old Song

by Brenda Dorantes

  At noon the packages with the new parts for the violin came. I sign and send the delivery guy on his way and begin to work. I have to have this one ready before Thursday when Mrs. Henderson is picking it up. I'm still a little confused on how she managed to break it while playing.

  "Hi, Kathy." I heard Thomas greet my wife when she walked into the shop with Tate.

  "Hi, Tom, how are you?" Katherine asked too nicely.

  "Perfect. Hello, Mr. Callahan," he greets my son.

  "Hi!" Tate ran to him and stood next to him, watching him as he continued to do his work.

  Katherine stood next to the front desk holding a bag with my lunch when I walked out of the office. She always brought me my lunch, something we never did back in the city. I smiled at my wife, wrapped my arms around her waist and gave her a welcoming kiss.

  "Hello to you, too." Katherine giggled, pushing me away. She hands me the bag. "Eat up. We have to pick up your daughter at one."

  "I think we pick her up later?" Tate asked.

  "It's thought and we are, but Daddy has to finish his meal first. Then, he has to come back to work," Katherine said while pushing my hair away from my forehead.

  Katherine and Tate stayed with me as I ate. Tate sat on my lap, picking from my food and feeding it to his mother or me every once in awhile. Katherine talked to me about her job and the new editing project she was just handed. Nothing makes her happier than to scribble all over a manuscript with a red pen. She also told me about this little event that happened at the market where two women fought over the last ham in the market, something she thought only happened in movies. The police had to come and escort both women out of the market.

  "Oh, and guess who likes soccer now," Katherine said after the short story was over. She pointed at Tate who had his fist in his mouth.

  "Really?" I asked, pulling his fist out of his mouth. "You like soccer now?"

  "Yes!" He cheered. "Soccer! I can run and kick and score a goal and run."

  Now, that's new and I'm pretty sure Uncle Alex isn't going to be pleased about it. Last week he was into football. "Maybe we should get him a soccer ball?"

  "Got him one." Katherine shrugged with a smile. "He wouldn't leave the kids aisle unless he had that soccer ball in his hands."

  I kissed my son's head and pulled his fist out of his mouth again. When it was time to pick up Lizzie, I told Thomas to go on his break and closed the shop.

  The playground was full of running kids in their recess hour. I parked on the other side of the street and got out of the car. Katherine and Tate joined me before we crossed the street. Elizabeth almost tackled her mother when she saw her. My little girl was so excited, I've never seen her this happy. She jumped around us, told Tate all these things they did and how excited she was to come back tomorrow. She waved at everyone who crossed her path, hugged a few girls and even told us their names as we walked back to the car. Maybe her going to school wasn't so bad after all, not if it made her this happy.

  We were on our way to the car when she ran off to the street. Everything just went in slow motion from there. I saw the van heading down the street toward her. I let go of Katherine's hand and ran after her.

  "Elizabeth!" I called out her name but she didn't listen.

  I sprinted to her as fast as I could and grab her arm, pulling her back just before she crossed the street. The van flew past us at full speed, only to disappear around the corner. My heart hammered my chest, my head was filled with chaos as I gripped her arms in my hands.

  "What the hell is wrong with you?" I yelled at her, gripping her by the shoulders. "Elizabeth, are you crazy? You do not run like that toward the street, do you understand? Do not run to the street. Did you not see that fucking van coming? You could have gotten hit! You could have gotten hurt-"

  "Sorry!" She cried, her eyes watering up. She looked down and her small arms hugged her small figure, just like her mother.

  "Aidan." I looked up to the other parents and students looking at us in shock. Katherine placed her hand on my shoulder and slightly pushed me back. I looked at Elizabeth with wide eyes and she looked back at me just as frightful. I scared her... I've never yelled at her like that. Never. But I just did it in front of everyone. I sighed, letting go of her.

  "Go to the car."

  Katherine grabbed her hand and guided both of them across the street. A woman came up to me and asked me if everything was okay. I said yes, running my hands through my hair. My heartbeat was slowing down, the adrenaline was wearing off but nothing made up for what just happened. I didn't mean to yell at her, especially not in front of everyone.

  The ride back home was silent. I couldn't help but look at Elizabeth through the rearview mirror every once in awhile. She looked down at her hands, frowning. I ruined her first day of school. It should have been different. I should have picked her up from her class and asked her about her day, let her tell me stories about her teacher and her new friends but no, I had to fuck it up.

  When we got home, Elizabeth ran inside and dropped her backpack on the ground.

  "Elizabeth?" She looked at me. Katherine walked past me and told Tate to get ready for a bath. I walked to Elizabeth and kneel down in front of her. "I didn't mean to yell at you, sweetheart. I... I got scared."

  "The car wasn't near, Daddy."

  "Elizabeth... It's hard for me, okay? It's too dangerous outside and I got scared because… you're my baby. You and your brother and your mother are all that matters to me." I swallow and clear my throat. "I'm sorry I yelled. When I get home from work you're going to tell me everything about your first day, okay?"

  "Yes, Daddy."

  I take her in my arms and give her a hug before pulling away. I tell her to go with her brother and both start getting ready for a shower. She does and leaves the room. I look at Katherine who's leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. She didn't look very happy. I wouldn't be surprised if she happened to be mad at me for yelling at Elizabeth.

  "Are you mad?"

  "No," she answered. She pushed herself off the wall and walked to me. "Why would I be?"

  "I lost it," I said as if it were not obvious enough.

  "You got scared and it's okay to get scared, Aidan. I got scared, too. No one is blaming you for anything." She kissed and brushed my hair away from my forehead. "It's okay to get scared, okay? It doesn't make you evil, it doesn't make you a coward. It makes you human."

  Actually, it makes me feel like an asshole who yelled at his kid in front of the entire school on her first day.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Aidan

  Two Years Later...

  I got out of the car confused by the fact that my parents, my brother and Matthew were all here. The kids were in the big yard we were playing soccer and Alex was cooking the meat on my grill. My parents were sitting on the picnic table outside with Katherine, Jess and her one-year-old daughter Lisa.

  "Daddy!" I turned to Lizzie who ran up to me with her arms wide open. The rest of the kids watch her and run behind her like a stampede of wild animals. I'm crushed by all four kids. I pick up Lizzie and Willow with the boys following me as I walk to the porch.

  "If I'm not mistaken, I do believe there's something called Calling Before Dropping By," I tell my family.

  "Don't be a party-pooper brother, we called your wife and she said it was fine," Alex said as he flipped the burger. I look at Katherine, who shrugged and winked at me. She knew and didn't bother to tell me. "How's work?"

  "Work is work," I said, putting the girls down. I tell them all to go play and sit down between Katherine and my mother. The little stampede ran back to the yard to continue their game. "How is it going, Ma?" I asked before kissing her cheek.

  "Everything is great, Honey. I wanted to come and see my grandchildren," she said.

  "No need for an excuse, Ma. You're welcome here any time." And hopefully, my brother doesn't take that as an open invitation.

  The kids cheered loudly behi
nd us. I look over my shoulder. Tate runs around, screaming goal with Matt.

  "He's good," Matthew said. "You should probably start looking for a team for him."

  "We were talking about that a few days back," Katherine sighed. "There's a small league here so we'll probably send him there once someone makes up his mind."

  "I'm still doubting it." I'm not sure if involving him in sports at such a young age is a good idea. I've seen how many times Alex and Matthew got injured during college and it wasn't pleasant. It makes Katherine laugh and she even tells me that I'm more paranoid than her.

  Alex had dinner ready soon enough. It was hard to eat inside with all the nice weather outside. It was a wonderful spring evening with the only noise around us was the rustling of the air between the trees.

  "I like it here," Leila said. "It's very quiet. You can never find a place like this in the city."

  "And you can see the stars." Lizzie points to the sky.

  Yes, you can see the stars. Every other night, she sits on our porch with her brother - even when they fight constantly -, but they watch the sky for a little bit until Katherine tells them it's time for a bath. That, for me, is the best part of the day.

  Their intrusion didn't last long after dinner was over. The sun was setting and it was a long drive back to the city and no matter how much Katherine insisted on them staying the night, everyone had other affairs to attend. Alex and Leila were the last ones to leave. Katherine and Leila chatted a bit as Willow showed Lizzie pictures of her cat in the car.

  "Well… dinner was good," Alex said as we waited for our wives to finish talking.

  "It was great… thanks for stopping by."

  Alex looked a little taken aback by my reply. "Wow… Aidan Callahan says thank you? Did someone drug you?"

  Ugh, I knew this was going to be hard. This last-minute family gathering was an opportunity I needed to take advantage of. I've been thinking about driving to the city and having a beer with him and telling him something that has been long overdue…

  "Can we talk for a moment?"

  "Yes, sure. What's up?"

  I guide him away from his car, hopefully out of our wives’ earshot.

  "Aidan, is there something going on between you and Katherine?" He asked worriedly.

  "No, nothing is going on. Everything is good right now…" fuck, I'm not good at this.

  "Then what's going on?"

  Okay, just spit out the words. Just spit them out. I take a deep breath and look at my brother.

  "How-how are you?"

  "How am I?" Alex arcs a brow. "I'm good…"

  "Everything is fine in your life? Nothing you might-"

  "Aidan, just spit it out."

  Fuck.

  "I wanted to… I guess I wanted to tell you… thank you. You were-you were here for my family when we needed you the most, even through my rejection and-and I know I've always been an ass but you have always stood by my side… I guess what I want to say to you is that I'm-I'm s-s-sorry for not being the brother you deserve, for not being there when you needed me and-and-" I take in a deep breath to stop my racing heart "-and thank you for… for being you. For being my brother. Thank you, Alex."

  I expected anything from him. Maybe a hug, maybe a speech, but not what he actually did. He stood there looking at me for what felt like forever before his eyes drifted to the ground and he picked up Tate's football. He squeezes it between his large palms and grips it tightly against his chest. He then nods to the yard and says, "Go long."

  "What?"

  "Go long."

  "Alex, I'm trying to tell you something, I'm trying to have a moment here-"

  "You had your moment, Aidan. Now go long."

  Is he kidding? I opened my mouth, trying to say something and close it when nothing comes out. I open it again and still nothing. Alex arcs a brow, still waiting with the ball in hand.

  "I-I-I got no idea what you mean," I admit, sheepishly.

  Alex breaks out a smile. "Get your ass on the other side of the yard."

  Alright then. I walk to the other side of the yard and turn to face him. This is not what I was expecting when I thought of the many scenarios of what would happen when I apologized for being a shit brother. I certainly wasn't expecting to go long.

  "Now, I'm gonna throw you this ball and you're going to catch it and run to your finish line." He points to Lizzie's swing set that's a yard from where I am. "And you better not let me catch your ass or I'll tackle you to the ground."

  "You're kidding." He cannot be serious right now.

  "Oh I'm serious," he replied. "I'm serious, don't let me catch you."

  "Alex, what are you, five? I am not-Woah!" I catch the ball that's thrown at me, hitting me hard on the chest. I am certainly not good at this. When I look up, Alex is already chasing after me. Shit!

  I take off toward the swing set, holding onto the ball for dear life. I feel him right behind me, his heavy breathing chasing after me as I push myself to run faster and reach the swing set. My heart pounds my chest and almost pops right out when I feel his arm around my waist and the weight of his body crashing against mine as he tackles me on the floor. I groan loudly, the pain being much greater than I thought it would be. Alex groans, rolling off me and then he laughs through his heavy breathing. We both lie side by side, the ball about a foot away from us, laughing through our heavy breaths. I feel the adrenaline rush through my veins, my heart hammering my chest, swear trailing down my back.

  "Remember when-" he takes a breath "-remember when we were kids and dad took us to the park to play football?"

  I nod. "Before I got into music."

  "Yeah," he breathed. "And he made us chase each other for the ball. You were always a fast runner so he chose me to run with the ball and have you chase me because I was the slow runner."

  I remember. "He'd get mad if I caught you before you made it to the finish line."

  Alex nods. "So you always tackled me after I made it past the finish line. Every single time. Even when I was at a reachable point, you always waited until after I crossed that line to help boost my self-confidence."

  Yes, I remember that. It was when Dad wanted both his children to be great athletes and pushed us hard to be good. I was, in fact, a good runner, but couldn't handle the pain as well as Alex did. Alex was good but lacked running skills. I could almost hear dad screaming at him, "don't let him catch you!" as we ran across the field. I sat up, tossing the football to Alex as he sat up. Our wives were watching us from the car, surprised by what they just witnessed.

  "You're not perfect, Aidan," Alex said. "And neither am I. But I still remember my little brother who waited until I crossed that finish line to tackle me, that little brother who helped me become the man I am today. Through the good and bad, I wouldn't change you for anyone else in the world."

  "I-I wouldn't either," I admit.

  Alex drags himself up and drops the football beside me. I stop him before he walks away.

  "When we were children, we used to say we wanted to be like dad when we grew up, remember?"

  He turns back and nods. "I remember."

  "I never wanted to admit it to you, but… it was you who I wanted to be like when I grew up, not dad."

  The edges of his lips twitch. If I was someone else, I'd think he was trying to hold back his tears. Alex looks at me and nods, playing with the tips of his fingers.

  "And I always wanted to be like you when I grew up, not dad," he said, his voice cracking at the end of his sentence. "I'll see you later, brother."

  He wouldn't admit it to me then, but years down the road when we're both old and not so childish, he'll come to admit that he did cry a little in the car on his way home after that. And I'll admit it, too. I might have wiped a tear or two away.

  That night after everyone left, I walked in the living room where Lizzie and Tate finished their reading. I loved watching them like this, even when sometimes they don't stand each other, there are times that they sit next to
each other and read to one another. I stayed back, listening to how Elizabeth helped Tate read.

  "Tate," she said, interrupting his reading.

  "What?"

  "Did you meet my brother?" She asked.

  Katherine laughed from the kitchen. She looked at me with amusement and shook her head. "Baby, I'm pretty sure Tate knows he's your brother."

  "Not him, Mommy."

  My breath got caught in my throat. How did she know? She wasn't old enough to remember what happened or to know that he ever existed. I look at Katherine who stopped washing the dishes and remained still where she stood. She looked at me with wide eyes, obviously afraid of my reaction. There's a sudden heavy silence in the room which Tate was the one to break it.

  "Don't be dumb, we don't have a brother!"

  "Yes, we do!" She protested.

  "No, we don't!"

  "Yes, we do!" She repeated, this time with anger in her voice. "Mommy, I'm right. I did have a brother! Right, Daddy?" She looked at me, expecting me to back her up.

  I don't.

  I step back against the wall, away from where they could see me. I couldn't do it. Katherine dried up her hands and rushed to the couch. She kneeled in front of them. Tate told her to tell his sister they do not have a brother, but Katherine never said such a thing.

  "Baby, how do you know this?" She asked instead. "Who told you?"

  "Ma told me. She said that he was older than me but he had to go. Is it true, Mommy?"

  Katherine looked down and I saw how her body tensed. When she looked back up, she nodded at both our children. "Yes," she breathes. "You do have an older brother."

  Both Elizabeth and Tate looked shocked at the news. Who wouldn't be shocked? They both grew up thinking they only had each other and because of me they never knew about him.

  "Where is he?" Tate asked.

  "He went to heaven," Kathy answered with a tight voice. "You're both too young to understand, but when the time comes, we'll tell you the story, okay? But, yes, in fact, you do have a brother. He's just not with us anymore."