Beautiful You: A Novel

by Chuck Palahniuk

  Immediately, inspiration struck. The DataMicroCom satellites were still in orbit. Why couldn’t she deliver succor to the legions of gals worldwide who were sharing this same withdrawal from Beautiful You bliss?

  Unselfishly, she toggled and keyboarded until these same amazing sensations were bombarding all the women implanted by Beautiful You products. Penny’s mom in Omaha. Sassy, spunky Monique. Even Brenda—now Yuri’s newlywed bride and the CFO of Allied Chemical Corp. Kwan Qxi and Esperanza, too! Wherever they were, they would all be savoring rich desserts and the heavenly bliss of ripe movie-star smooches.

  Impulsively, she filled their far-flung nostrils with mango-scented breezes. Let all her sister women rejoice, Penny told herself. Through her they would achieve solidarity.

  While their actual circumstances might be grinding poverty and ignorance, she’d bestow upon them a rich surrogate reality. She’d deliver to their taste buds an unending banquet of gourmet delicacies. An unending repast without a single fattening calorie! She’d replace their mundane thoughts with snippets of inspirational poetry read aloud by the cultured mouth of Meryl Streep.

  A few pecks on the right keys, and she’d carpet-bomb them with self-esteem and resolve problematic body-image issues for all time.

  She cupped her breasts in her palms and lifted them, examining the nipples with growing awe and wonder. They were astonishing. Her heart, nay, every cell of her swelled in recognition of her own glory and beauty. Following suit, women around the world—tall women, crippled women, fat, old, young and skinny women, they rediscovered themselves. Wherever they were at that moment in their lives—dining at picnics or riding aboard buses or performing intricate brain surgeries—they paused and regarded their bodies with a new, powerful appreciation. Flat-chested, bowlegged, humpbacked, or balding, Penny would force them to recognize their innate beauty. At her satellite-relayed prompting, all women would begin to pet themselves, reveling in the quality of their skin. Penny’s electronic urging would compel them to immediately celebrate their bodies with vigorous self-romancing.

  This, this was power. She, Penelope Harrigan, would reign over the world, a benevolent lady dictator, awarding well-deserved pleasure to the multitudes. She’d surpassed the power wielded by even her heroes, Clarissa Hind and Alouette D’Ambrosia. To redeem Max’s wicked technology, she would singlehandedly bring about world peace and order. She’d reward good behavior and punish the bad.

  The generations of females trained too long to look for insults and injustice, Penny would pummel them with joy and drive them to accept happiness. A happy ending. With stealthy, subtle manipulation of their pleasure centers, she’d gently bully them into achieving their full erotic potential. Lady political activists might bicker over their strategic goals, platforms, and agendas, but Penny would trump their catfighting by giving them tsunami waves of physical thrills.

  An ancient truism had once decreed, “Self-improvement is masturbation.…” At last the inverse would also be true.

  “Baba,” she cried out, “rest easy, my guardian! I will not allow the power to overcome me!”

  This, Penny whispered to herself, this would be the best time in history to be a woman.

  She’d give ladies the ultimate zipless fuck. Erica Jong would be so proud of her. This—sex crafting, practicing carnal magic—would be the new frontier for the next generation of young female searchers.

  Acting on a generous impulse, Penny pressed the buttons that would bestow a loving, sisterly, long-distance hug on Gloria Steinem.

  That accomplished, she scuttled back toward the cooking fire lest her tasty lizards scorch.

  Intoxicated with satisfaction, weak from joy, again she referred to Max’s notebook of codes. Perfect as this moment was—the precious finger lodged deep inside her, the stewed skinks bubbling deliciously, the flames warming her nude, astonishingly beguiling body—even this scene could be improved upon.

  With tired, trembling, happy fingers she punched a few more buttons on the controller.

  What took place next was only a nanobot-induced hallucination, but Penny could see it, smell it, feel it.

  A robust, strapping figure emerged from the snowstorm and stood brazenly unclothed in the cave’s mouth. His dancing blue eyes filled with lust. His impressive, freckled-pink manhood swung heavily between his legs. And a handsome Ron Howard swaggered boldly toward her.

  The author would like to acknowledge the following visionaries for their unflagging faith and support of the arts. May the tantric gods visit you with frequent, pulse-pounding, sweat-soaked episodes of full release as you slumber.

  Mallory Moss

  Katie Dodd

  William Klayer

  Kasey Bossert

  Ian W. Arsenault

  Halle Kasper

  Megan McCrary

  Mandy Boles

  Kyle Becker

  Adam Stratton

  Donald Hugo III

  Chuck Crittenden

  Peter Wollesen

  Stephanie Jean Ray

  Nicole Doro

  Valeriya Kulchikhina

  Meghan Sherar

  Angelena Bigham

  Zachary Glenn Harbaugh

  Andrew G. Gahol

  Peter Osborn

  Christopher Seevers

  Kerstynn Lane

  Michael John Silvin

  Mandy Marez

  Joe Wilson

  Wessly Ford

  Stephanie Wiley

  Patrick D. O’Connor

  Henry S. Rosenthal

  Brian Manning

  Parker Cross

  Margaret Dennison

  Sharon Leong

  Kevin Stevulak

  Charlotte O’Neil Golden

  Michael Anderson-McGee

  Katie McCartney

  Jacquelyn Nicole Tawney

  Gary Eaton

  Mike Parkinson

  Dustin Schultz

  Gina Chernoby

  Michele McDaniel

  Jake Richard

  Ryan O’Neill

  George Washington Anderson III

  Aysha Martinez

  Trev Pierce

  John Hardenstine

  Bettina Holbrook

  Michael Bowhay

  Mark V. Paulis

  Kevin Sharp

  Patricia Scott Petey Wells

  Mike Hardin

  Thomas Wayne Harvey

  Andrew Greenblatt

  Elizabeth C. Nichols

  Brian Foster

  Bryce Haynes

  Tatianna Abastoflor

  Ronald Green, Jr.

  Alisha Ohl

  Cody Maasen

  Bryan Kraig Ward

  Jessica Dugan

  Matthew A. Eller

  Meredith Alder

  Tiffany Joy Atencio

  Kyle Adamski

  John Michel

  Quentin R. Voglund

  James Bendos

  Gabriel Cesana

  Jason W. Bohrer

  Shane Gollihue

  Scott Trulock

  Aaron Blake Flynn

  Brett Kerns

  Juliet Walker

  Kristina Valencia

  James P. Giacopelli

  Karen Zacconi

  Sean K. Smith

  Rita Su

  Will Tupper

  Michael Pedrosa

  Russ Robertson

  Tag

  Samantha Jade Schnee

  Rubyann Baybo

  Yassaman Tarazkar

  Shereen Lombardi

  Ashley Blaike Ralph

  Mike Dyson

  Lorne Sherman

  Patti Vanty-McKinley

  Shaun Sharma

  Christine Strileckis

  Chuck Palahniuk is the author of thirteen bestselling novels—Doomed, Damned, Tell-All, Pygmy, Snuff, Rant, Haunted, Diary, Lullaby, Choke, Invisible Monsters, Survivor, and Fight Club—which have sold more than five million copies in the United States. He is also the author of Fugitives and Refugees, published as par
t of the Crown Journey Series, and the nonfiction collection Stranger Than Fiction. He lives in the Pacific Northwest. Visit him on the Web at chuckpalahniuk.net.