I Hate Goodbye (The Kihanna Saga)

by Amare, Mercy

  Toby’s words comfort me. I know they will figure it out. This person can’t stay anonymous forever. “I’m glad I have you two. I think I would probably be in a crazy asylum right now if it weren’t for you guys.”

  “It’s not over yet,” Toby says. “We may all three be in there before this is all over.”

  I laugh, even though it’s not funny. His words are scary true.

  “Gabriel is going to do everything that he can do to figure it out. He’s going crazy not being able to be with you,” Toby says. “I don’t think he slept at all last night. That boy is in love with you.”

  My stomach feels like a million butterflies are flying around inside at the mention of Gabe being in love with me. He’s probably the most positive thing I have going on in my life right now. I can move forward because I know that once this is over, we can be together. Gabriel is my hope.

  “Well, I am very much in love with him too,” I tell Toby. “I hate that everybody can’t know that we’re together. I want all the girls in the school to know he’s off limits.”

  Toby laughs. “He’s not interested in any other girls. Last Thursday, Bay Young tried asking him for a pencil in math, and he told her ‘I’m not interested. Go away.’ She wasn’t even trying to hit on him. Like seriously, you have no reason to worry.”

  As we pull into the school parking lot, there are a ton of police cars sitting in the front of the school. My heart thumps hard against my chest. The second Toby parks the car, we both jump out and run to the front of the school. The police are stopping everybody on the way inside, and they are holding a picture.

  The police office holds up the picture to me. It’s Jacqueline Hoff.

  “Have you seen Jacqueline since Friday after school?” the officer asks.

  “No.” I lie. I’m a terrible liar, but I think I’ve been lying so much recently that I’m actually getting good at it.

  I make my way through the doors. Toby soon follows.

  “Oh my God. I can’t believe this is happening,” I tell him. My breath is coming too fast, and I feel a little light-headed.

  “Did you take your anxiety pill this morning?” he asks.

  “Crap, no. I forgot.” I lean up against the wall for support.

  “Just breathe slow,” Toby tells me calmly. “In your nose, out your mouth.”

  I do as he says, and after a few minutes I feel myself stop panicking. “Thanks.”

  “If you need me, text me. I will be there no matter what,” he says.

  I nod. “You’re the best stepbrother ever.”

  “I know. See you at lunch.”

  We both part ways, and I make my way to my locker.

  As I walk down the hallway, I see there are posters of up of Jacqueline. ‘Have you seen this girl?’ it says, and under it has a phone number to call if you have information. I so wish that I could call them. I wish that I could tell everybody that Jacqueline is dead, but I can’t.

  I decide to watch my feet as I walk. If I don’t hold my head up then I can’t see the posters. If I don’t see the posters, maybe I can pretend this isn’t happening.

  I open my locker and on top of my books is a photo.

  My heart stops for a second, and then it jumps into overdrive. My whole body physically hurts from the fear, and all I can hear is the sound of my own heart beating.

  The picture is of Gabe and me. We are in San Francisco, and Gabe has me pushed against the side of my dad’s SUV. He’s kissing me. Over Gabriel’s face, there is a red X. I turn the photo over and read the note.

  I warned you. Now, Gabriel must pay the ultimate price.

  I shove the picture in my messenger bag, and then I pull my phone out of my pocket. With shaky hands, I dial his number. The phone rings about five times before it goes to voicemail. I try again and again — same result.

  I call Toby.

  “What’s wrong?” Toby answers.

  I open my mouth to reply, but literally no words come out. Everything around me starts fading, and I think ‘not again’, just as everything goes black.

  8:17 AM

  Ultimate price.

  When I open my eyes, there is a crowd of people around me. Toby is standing over me, shaking me. I see his lips move, and I know he’s saying my name, but I can’t hear him. I look around and see that I am on the floor beside my locker.

  “Kihanna, can you hear me?” Toby asks.

  I nod my head, and attempt to talk, but I still can’t form words yet.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks.

  “I… ne… need… to… g… g… go.” My voice is shaky, and I am stuttering. I wish that the room would stop spinning for just a minute so I could stand up.

  “Okay.” Toby grabs my hand and helps me to my feet, but my legs won’t support my weight. I begin to fall, then I feel strong arms go around me. I look over to see that Ty Newman is now carrying me. Once we are outside, he carries me to Toby’s car and lays me down in the backseat.

  “Are you alright?” Ty asks me.

  “Yeah, I just… needed to get out of there,” I tell him.

  Ty turns to Toby. “I’m going to follow the two of you to the hospital.”

  I sit up in the seat. “I don’t need to go to the hospital,” I tell him. “I just need an anxiety pill, and I’ll be fine.”

  Okay, maybe not fine, but well enough to function.

  “I don’t know if I should tell you this right now, but Gabe was in an accident,” Ty tells me. “We need to get to the hospital now.”

  His words wash through my veins like ice cold water. Gabe was in an accident. The words play over and over again in my head. “Let’s go,” I tell Toby.

  We head toward the hospital with Ty following behind us in his car.

  “I got another picture,” I tell him as we get on the interstate. “What happened to Gabe is all my fault.”

  “You can’t think like that,” he says. “What was on the picture?”

  “It was Gabriel and me on Saturday. He had me pushed up against the car, and he was kissing me, which means the stalker followed us to San Francisco.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. It doesn’t help. “On the back of the photo there was a note. It says ‘I warned you. Now Gabriel must pay the ultimate price’.”

  I sit back in the seat and pull my legs up to my chest. The pressure is so strong. I want to cry, but there are literally no tears left in me.

  “What if something happens to Gabe?” I ask Toby. “I couldn’t live with myself. I just… couldn’t. Too many people have already… died… for me.”

  “You have to stop thinking like that,” Toby says. “Gabe is going to be alright. Let’s get to the hospital and see how he’s doing before you come to any rash conclusions. But no matter what happens, it isn’t your fault. It’s your crazy stalker’s fault. You didn’t kill anybody, and you did nothing wrong.”

  Actually, I did do something wrong. I killed somebody. But I don’t say it out loud. I just close my eyes as tight as I can, and rest my forehead on my knees.

  Toby is driving fast on the way to the hospital, but it feels like it’s taking forever to actually get there. The second that we park in the parking garage we run toward the doors followed by Ty.

  Ty looks like he is about to cry. As the elevator jerks up, I pull him close and give him a hug. I know that we are broken up, and he was an ass, but this is his best-friend. They’ve been friends forever. So I know he’s got to be worried… For some reason, touching Ty is comforting.

  “I feel so stupid,” Ty says as we pull back. “Gabe and I never fight, especially not over a girl. We made a pact a long time ago to not fight over them. And the one time we fight is when this happens. I just… I need to tell him that I’m sorry.”

  “You will get a chance to tell him,” I say, truly believing my words.

  Wow, I am the one comforting him. This is a change. Maybe I’m stronger than I think.

  The elevator doors open up, and we make our way up to the nurses’ st
ation. Before we get up there, my dad and Veronica step in and hug Toby and me.

  “Is he okay?” I ask.

  Dad takes a deep breath. “He is going to be alright. He’s got a concussion and a few broken ribs, but he will be fine. Jack and Libby are with him right now, but you will get to see him soon.”

  As soon as Dad tells me that Gabriel is going to be alright, a huge weight is lifted off my chest… Until I think about the note…

  “What happened?” Toby asks.

  “We aren’t for sure,” Dad answers. “He said his brakes weren’t working, and he ran a red light. Thankfully the person saw him in time to brake, so the impact wasn’t that hard. It could have been worse.”

  “So his brakes just quit working?” I ask.

  “His brakes were only a month old,” Ty says. “I went with him when he got them changed. How could they have gone out that soon?”

  “We don’t know yet,” Dad answers. “The police are looking into it, and Gabe’s brakes are being check out by a mechanic. We should know something soon, but I wouldn’t stress about it.”

  Yeah, right. All I am going to do is stress about this until I come up with some kind of solution. I am the reason that Gabe had an accident. If only I wouldn’t have kissed him… I should have known that the stalker would know. But I let my guard down. That will never happen again.

  11:00 AM

  Choices.

  They run a few tests on Gabe, and finally, two hours later, Toby and I get to see him. He looks bad — there is a bandage wrapped around his head, and he has a black eye. He’s smiling at least, but it’s probably because of the pain medication they gave him.

  “Kihanna, you look so good today,” Gabe says when he sees me. It sounds like his tongue is swollen as he talks.

  Ha, yep. He’s definitely high. “How are you feeling?” I ask him. I grab his hand.

  “I’m perfectly fine. Especially since you are here.” he says, rubbing my hand with his. “Your hand is like so soft.”

  “I think I like you like this,” Toby tells Gabe, laughing.

  “Oh my God!” Gabe looks up at Toby. “When did you get in here? I didn’t even see you come in.”

  Toby laughs. “I want some of the medicine they gave you.”

  “Me too,” I say. I want to feel weightless and carefree, even for a minute. Of course, knowing that Gabriel is going to be alright makes me feel good… at least for now.

  We stay in the room for about fifteen minutes before the nurse kicks us out. Visiting hours are over for anybody who is not family, so we head home. Ty goes back to school, but I know there would be absolutely no way that I could go back to school right now. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

  As soon as we get home, I lock myself in my rom. I tape the picture the stalker took in my journal, and write down everything I remember. Then I decided that maybe my therapist is right. Maybe I should try writing down my feelings.

  My life is falling apart… but not a little at a time. It’s like somebody is taking a hammer to everybody and everything that I care about… Really, somebody IS. It’s like they want me to be completely isolated and alone, because if I’m alone, I am more vulnerable. I know I shouldn’t give in to the stalker, but I AM. I am because I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to Gabriel.

  I didn’t know if Gabe was going to be alright when we got to the hospital, and I just can’t live with that. I NEED Gabe to be okay. I am in love with him… If being apart from him is what is takes to make the stalker leave him alone than that is what I will do.

  So even though this sucks… and even though walking away is a cowardly thing to do… I AM WALKING AWAY. I am going to break up with Gabriel, for real this time, and I am not going to look back. I am going to focus all of my attention on figuring out who the stalker is, and I am going to bring the motherfucker down — even if I have to die doing it.

  I close my journal and feel a surge of power.

  Life is about choices… and I just made my choice. I am going to do everything I can to stick with it. I just hope that Gabe won’t be too pissed when I break up with him.

  Tuesday, December 7

  7:08 AM

  Fighting.

  Before school, Toby and I decide to go by the hospital to see Gabe. They kept him over night, but he gets to go home this morning. I’m relieved to know that he will be completely fine. After a few months of healing, he will be back to normal.

  I made sure to take my anxiety pill this morning, but even that isn’t helping my nerves. As we make our way to Gabriel’s room, I play with a strand of my hair to distract myself. I am absolutely dreading the conversation I am about to have with him. For the second time, we are breaking up for real, and I think it sucks worse than it did last time.

  When we get to his room, Gabe is sitting up in his bed. His face lights up as he sees us.

  “Hey,” I greet him. I walk to the bed and hold his hand. I know that I am going to miss this.

  “I’m so glad you guys came,” Gabe says. “Being in this place sucks. It’s so boring.”

  “At least you get to go home today,” Toby says, standing on the other side of Gabe’s hospital bed. “Only a few more hours.”

  “Yeah, I’m ready. At least I get to skip school for the rest of the week.”

  “School is going to be bad this week,” I tell him. “They have posters up of Jacqueline everywhere. It’s enough to drive a person crazy.”

  “How are you really doing?” Gabe asks me.

  “Not good. I have therapy tonight, though. Maybe that will help.” I bit my lip and look down at our hands. “There is actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  I avoid eye contact with Gabe.

  “What is that?” he asks. I can hear the concern in his voice, which just makes my chest hurt worse.

  I take a deep breath, and just say it before I lose my nerve. “I’m breaking up with you — for real this time.”

  “What?” Toby says at the same time Gabe says, “Why?”

  “Look at you,” I tell him. “You’re here because of me. Because I let you kiss me when we went to San Francisco. I thought we were safe, but we weren’t. And I couldn’t deal with it if anything happened to you.”

  “This is just what the stalker wants,” Gabe says. “They want to break us up. Who is next? Are you going to have to stop talking to Toby too? Your dad? Your friends at school? Where is the line drawn? You can’t let this person control your entire life. You have to fight.”

  “I am fighting,” I tell him. “I am fighting for you. I just… I… I love you, and I can’t stand this. Seeing you here in this bed is killing me.”

  “I love you too,” Gabe says. “But you can’t do this. We will get through this together. Show the stalker that you won’t let this get you down. Fight.”

  I shake my head, letting a few tears fall down my cheeks. “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can.” Gabe reaches up and wipes away my tears. “You tried doing it the stalker’s way, and Jacqueline Hoff still died. Maybe now it’s time to do it your way. Fight.”

  “I agree with Gabe,” Toby says. “When you first moved here, you broke Jacqueline Hoff’s nose for pushing you down in the lunchroom. You don’t let anybody bully you. Why are you letting this person bully you?”

  “Because, I don’t think I could handle anybody else dying!” I raise my voice at them, and then I look at Gabe. “You are in the hospital right now because I didn’t listen. This isn’t the first thing that has happened, and it won’t be the last. I am breaking up with you because I don’t want you to die.” My voice breaks, and I pause for a second, trying not to lose it. “I am breaking up with you because I love you.”

  “The fact that you love me should be the reason that you fight, not the reason you give up. You can’t let this person bully you into breaking up with me.” Gabe’s voice sounds unnaturally tight.

  “I agree with Gabe. You can’t do this,” Toby says.

 
“But I don’t want anybody else to get hurt.”

  “Just… think about it,” Gabe says. “If you still want to break up with me in two days, then I won’t argue. Just… think about it.”

  I give Gabe a half-nod. I know that they’re right, but sometimes right isn’t always black and white. And sometimes doing the wrong thing is for the best, especially when it means protecting the person I love.

  “Okay,” I tell him. “I will think about it.”

  Gabe smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I know he’s worried that I will break up with him after I think more about it. I wish that I didn’t have to, but I do. I will do whatever it takes to protect him… even if it means hurting him in the process.

  3:11 PM

  Counting down the minutes.

  It was hard to be at school today. Gabriel’s absence was just a reminder of how much my life sucks right now.

  Everywhere I looked, there were posters of Jacqueline. The teacher’s were talking about it. Practically every class I had a teacher mentioned that the school counselor was doing grief-counseling for any student having problems dealing with the disappearance of Jacqueline.

  If only I wouldn’t have come here, things would be different. Gabe wouldn’t be in the hospital. Jacqueline and Nicolas would be alive. Everybody’s life would just be better.

  But I am here… I have to be here. Without here I have no home and no family. I have nowhere else to go.

  “What are you thinking about?” Toby asks me on the drive home.

  I stare out the window as I answer his question. “Just how much better everybody’s life would be if I wasn’t in California.”

  “Don’t even think that,” Toby says sharply. “If you weren’t here, that sick son-of-a-bitch would be doing this to somebody else. So don’t even think that it’s your fault. Because it’s not.”