by Helen Scott
At nine on the dot I clocked into work, going through my morning activities with my brain still on autopilot. When the clock struck noon I went to the cafe for lunch, chatted with Kylie, before heading back to the shop. When I finished up I headed home, where I turned the TV on and promptly passed out on the couch.
When I woke up at some ungodly hour and staggered to bed, I had a sinking realization that every single day of my life for the last few years had been the same. Gym. Work. Home. Sleep. Repeat. It wasn't that I minded routine, I usually liked it, but having a routine made it easier for people to prey on you. That being said, routines made me feel safe, secure, because I always knew what to do next.
I didn't feel safe anymore though.
Shifters were getting closer and closer, and I knew in my gut it wouldn't be long until they caught my scent and decided to find out who it belonged to. It was that fact that made me feel a little out of control, as though at any moment the house of cards I'd built would come crashing down around me and I'd be lucky to escape the rubble.
It didn't help that I'd seen more shifters in the last few days than I had in a year. It was like an invasion. My space was gone. My safety was gone. Everything about the situation had me on edge, and made my skin crawl with anticipation.
When I got up the next morning it was after a fitful night of something akin to sleep. I wouldn't say I got a lot of rest with my mind running at a million miles an hour, but I needed my routine if I hoped to quiet my racing thoughts. Richard was at the gym when I got there and gave me an appraising look when he saw me. Not sexual, just evaluating.
When he walked over I was surprised, even more so when he said, "Let me spot you."
"Okay," I said, feeling weirded out that he wanted to do something other than box, which was all we ever did.
I moved to the bench with the weight bar and lay down. Richard moved behind me and held his hands just under the bar. Usually I felt uncomfortable with someone spotting me, but that morning his presence actually soothed me.
When I'd first started at the gym he'd tried to make small talk, to make me more comfortable being there since not many women joined, but after I shut him down a few times he gave up, and we started boxing. What can I say, I'm not really a talker anyway and I have trust issues, the two combined don't really work so well.
Richard was always nice about it though, even when I probably came off as short and standoffish, he never pressed, not like most people. God, getting my hair cut had become so socially painful that I'd started cutting it myself. I was just being questioned and talked at until I felt like I was being tried, judged, and found wanting.
"You look like you're having a rough day and it's only seven thirty," Richard said as his hands moved up and down with the bar while I lifted and lowered the weight.
I wasn't sure what he knew, so I tried to keep it vague. "Some weird guys have been dealing by my apartment, and I had a strange encounter at work. It's left me a little rattled. I used to feel safe walking around this part of the city, but after the last few days it feels like I've lost that."
His eyes went wide when I spoke since he probably wasn't expecting an answer, but something about him made me feel okay, and I lowered my walls enough to seek that comfort. It just felt like shifters were everywhere, like I couldn't escape them, especially since I still didn't have the money saved up to leave. For the first time since I'd settled in this area, I felt unprotected. Everything felt different, or like if it wasn't already different it would be soon.
When Richard didn't respond, just nodded, I somehow kept talking. "My parents and brother were part of a … gang, maybe cult is a better word, I'm not sure. Either way I lost my parents when I was young, and my brother lost his life getting me out. I'm seeing activity around here and my apartment that reminds me of the early years of my life, of being part of the gang. It's not just the dealers, there are other things as well, it's just … I could be recognized. I mean I haven't changed that much in the last few years, if they are expanding their territory and they realize who I am? They could take me, Rich, and no one would be able to stop them or find me, let alone save me. My life would be over. I don't know of anyone else who got away like I did, even though it cost my brother his life, I'm still glad I'm free. Of course I wish my family was still around, but I appreciate everything they did for me. I don't want it to all be for nothing just because I couldn't get far enough away, you know?"
"Wow. Uh. That's not what I expected you to say, like, at all," he said as he rubbed the back of his head with his hand. "I figured maybe you were having guy trouble or something."
"Nah, that's not really my style," I replied, leaving out the part about how I couldn't date because of my fear of being recognized. If just the basics had been too much for Richard then he didn't need any more details.
He took a deep breath and said, "I won't let anyone take you, Nina, not while I'm around. It's never going to happen. Besides no one is going to fuck with me, I mean, look at me." He flexed, and his biceps bulged. I had to suppress a laugh, something I hadn't felt like doing much these last few days. "If you're done I'll walk you to work, make sure everything's okay."
"You sure Josie would be okay with that? I know she's the jealous type," I replied with a wink as I stretched, making sure my muscles were taken care of after all the weights I'd lifted.
"I put a ring on it so she's calmed down a bit," he replied with a wide grin as he helped me stretch.
"What?" I tried to hold back a girly squeal but judging from the grunts of annoyance that came from around the gym I didn't do a very good job. "You're engaged? Congratulations! I bet Josie is on cloud nine! Did Michael and Tay inspire you?" I grinned as I glanced over at the other man. He'd been working extra hard these last few months, my guess was that he was making sure he was in good shape for the wedding.
"Yep," he replied. "I mean look at how happy he is." We both looked over at Michael again who was scowling at the weights he was lifting and I burst out into laughter.
"Josie's wanting a holiday wedding so we've got a while to wait, but she's happy, which means I'm happy."
"Are you sure you want to walk me?" I asked. His girlfriend had always been a bit on the possessive side, almost shifter-like, and hated that he and I boxed. Now that they were engaged though maybe she'd relax a bit, besides if I hadn't made a move on him in all these years why would I suddenly develop an interest now? The female mind was a strange place, and the last thing I wanted was to cause problems in his relationship.
"Yeah, I want you to feel safe coming to the gym. If I don't have you to box with whose ass am I going to whoop? Ryan's? Please, the guy wouldn't stand two seconds against me, besides, you keep me light on my feet, something which has come in handy in the bedroom more than a few times."
I didn't even want to know the slightest idea of what that meant, so I just smiled and nodded. "Let me go change and I'll be right out."
The walk with Richard was nice but slow, the man might be quick in the ring, but for a long walk like the one I had to work he wasn't. At one point he'd made sure this was the walk I did every day, and that I wasn't leading him all around town, which made me laugh. He did help me feel safer though, even if I still felt like there were eyes on me whenever I was out in public now. His speed made me late, which made Clark curse me out, and put me behind on the oil changes that had already come in.
Five oil changes and a few brake repairs later I let Clark know I was going on lunch.
"Don't be late back, this morning was unlike you, but that doesn't mean I want it to become a habit," he said with a harrumph.
"Understood, Boss," I replied before heading out to the cafe.
My heart thudded in my chest as I walked, not feeling as safe now without Richard by my side. When I got there everything felt off, even the way Kylie asked for my order.
"I'm not sure yet, give me a minute," I said, making sure I was off to the side so if any other customers came in they could be served.
"Nina not getting the usual? What the hell is going on? Have you been body snatched or something? Are you a Stepford wife now?" Kylie jibed, though I knew she meant it with love. It still made me feel weird though. If the one person who somewhat knew me, outside of the guys at the gym, could tell something was wrong then I wasn't doing a very good job of hiding it.
"I know, I know," I said. My eyes couldn't seem to focus on the menu, my ears pricking at every sound outside, distracting me. Eventually I gave her my order, a ham and swiss panini with an apple and a bag of chips, and even got an extra shot of espresso because I was wiped from my workouts being more intense and not sleeping well.
"You okay, doll?" Kylie asked as she handed me my coffee. "First the unusual order and then the extra shot, something's up with you."
"I'm fine," I said but my voice was barely above a whisper, so much so that I had to clear my throat and repeat myself before my friend heard me. The same urge I had with Richard came over me and suddenly I wanted to tell her everything that was going on in my life, make sure that she knew if I stopped coming in that it had nothing to do with her.
Suddenly the words were spilling from my mouth in an avalanche of information and insecurities but that wasn’t the worst part. No, the worst part was when I looked up at Kylie from my babbling and realized that her form was all distorted. I brought my hand to my face and realized I was crying. I hadn't even been aware it had started, and I certainly hadn't given my body permission to do something like that, which only made me cry harder.
7
I WAS CRYING. Full on sobbing. In public. In front of someone I knew. This didn't happen, and I mean ever. Especially in front of other people.
The last time I'd cried had been when my brother died. I'd allowed myself a week to cry whenever I felt like it, which was a lot as it turned out, but then I packed those emotions away and went to work looking for a job and a place to stay that wasn't a park bench. My life had changed, and my emotions became something I could no longer indulge. I knew that if I did then I wouldn't be able to move forward, and that was what really mattered. I'd been living that way ever since.
Now, however, everything seemed to be collapsing down around me. The more my brain spun the more upset I became, and the more my walls crumbled. This wasn't me, or at least not the me of recent years. I wasn't sure who this woman was, but I didn't like her.
I wasn't a crier.
I was a kick-ass mechanic who lifted weights and boxed. Not to mention a shifter. For fuck's sake what was happening to me.
"Nina, this way hon." Kylie's voice broke through the haze. I felt her hand gently touch my arm as she led me over to a table, the whole cafe looking wobbly and distorted through my tears.
"Sit down here.” She handed me a box of tissues. “I'll go and get your food and coffee, then you're going to tell me what the hell is going on."
I yanked two tissues from the box and started mopping up my face. Was there snot running from my nose? Dammit, that was embarrassing. I ignored it and focused on the question that I was sure she would want an answer to fairly quickly. What was I going to tell her? Probably something similar to what I told Richard earlier that morning. Fuck, how did this all get so messed up?
When Kylie came over with my food it wasn't bagged up like normal so I could take it back to work, instead it was on a plate with real silverware and napkins. I couldn't remember the last time I'd used actual knives and forks to eat. She was serious about getting me to talk.
"So what's wrong?" she asked as she slid the plate across to me.
I took a bite out of my sandwich and used that as an excuse not to answer, but the way she sat back with her arms crossed, watching me, let me know that she wasn't about to be put off by my stall tactics. Once I swallowed the bite I'd just taken and had a shaky sip of my coffee I said, "My family was involved in some shady shit a while back. It got my parents and my brother killed. Now I'm seeing people he used to associate with, or at least people that look like they would have, around the area and if they recognize me I'll be in deep shit. It's freaking me the fuck out if I'm honest, and I can't go back to that life, so I'm getting paranoid and stressed." Succinct. Clean. Only slightly bending the truth. I could live with that.
Her eyes went wide at first, but she quickly schooled her expression into one of neutrality. She was quiet for a moment before she said, "First, I wish you would have said something sooner, I could have tried to help you out. Second, I'm saying this as your friend, you need to take a break. You've been stuck in what I'm assuming from your order is the same routine day in and day out for, well, as long as we've known each other. You need to try something new. Flip the script. Do something completely unexpected to jar your brain out of this loop you've got yourself stuck in. Have some fun for once. I mean, when was the last time that happened?"
I didn't think she was seriously asking at first, but then she raised her eyebrows at me, so I said, "Uh, probably a few years ago."
"Years? You haven't done anything fun, anything for yourself in years?" she demanded.
I should have bent the truth again. Who doesn't have fun in years? It was too late now though. I shook my head. The last fun thing I could remember was when Sam and I had made pizza together. It was our Friday night tradition, until he couldn't do it anymore because of his job as a runner. That had been before his death though. Before I left the pack.
Life had pretty much gone to shit after that, not that it would have been sunshine and daisies if I'd stayed. Oh no, I probably would have been married off and having pups by now. I hadn't expected to be a homeless teenager though. Living on the streets wasn't easy, especially as a teenage girl, there were too many predators and not enough safe harbors. It didn't take me long to realize I needed to handle my own shit. I hadn't been able to rely on anyone else in a long time, and though I had tentative friendships with Kylie and Richard, I had no idea if I could actually trust them.
"Come to the party with me this weekend," she stated, as though it wasn't a question anymore, pulling me from my thoughts. "I'm not asking as someone who is too insecure to go alone, because we both know that's not true, come because you need to get out, because you need to get dressed up and have a good time, come because it will be some stress relief. Whether the guys you're seeing around are your brother's old crew or not, it will let you blow off some steam and you won't just stew in your thoughts all weekend." She watched me as she spoke, gauging my reaction and pushing me just enough, reasoning with me, calling on the somewhat logical side of me until I didn't have a good reason to say no, unless I felt like berating myself all weekend.
"Fine. I'll come for a little bit." I took a bite of the sandwich so I didn't have to expand on my statement. It wasn't like I could really say no to her after that speech. Although, if I was honest, the truth was I didn't want to say no, I wanted a taste of freedom, even if it was the only one I'd ever get. Besides, everything she'd said was true. I did need to blow off some steam. I'd been living my life under a strict do not engage policy in regards to pretty much everything, but that clearly wasn't working if I was going to start crying in public.
We made small talk for the rest of the time it took me to scarf down my sandwich, knowing that Clark was going to be on my ass for taking such a long lunch break. As I left I couldn't help but wonder what I'd let myself get talked into. I mean me, going to a party? What the fuck, Nina? Who did I think I was? Not a pack bitch on the run, that was for sure.
When the day of the party rolled around I was having some major buyer's remorse. I had tried to back out of the party every day. Every day Kylie talked me back into it, unafraid to bring up the crying situation, or my parents and brother, claiming they wouldn't want me to live my whole life like a hermit. Apparently, our talk had given her all the ammunition she needed to manipulate me to hell and back, not that I really minded. Somehow Kylie had persuaded me that this was a good idea. Even though I kept trying to cancel on her, which made me feel like a bit of an assh
ole, I had decided to trust her, to trust this friendship. Having a friend wouldn't be so bad, right?
"I don't want to hear it," she said as I walked in for my usual lunch. "I'll be at your apartment building at nine. If you're not dressed and ready to go I will have the cab wait while I get your stubborn ass ready, and you'll be paying the difference, little miss." She propped her hands on her hips and squinted at me, daring me to argue. I should have never given her my address, then this wouldn't be an issue. I could walk away and not show up, feel like a jerk the whole time, but be safely tucked away in my apartment.
I couldn't bring myself to fight her anymore, so I just nodded my head and went along with it. The only thing that got me ready to go, that made me put a damn dress on, the only one I owned I might add, was that I knew I wouldn't drink. I needed to stay sharp, focused, so that if I saw any shifters I could get the hell out of dodge as fast as possible. It might make me a bitch because I'd probably leave Kylie behind, but at that point I wouldn't care, my freedom was more important to me than anything else, and I knew Kylie could take care of herself, I'd heard enough stories to be sure of that.
My mind kept turning over the idea that something bad was going to happen, that this was going to be a night that changed things, and I wasn't sure if it would be for the better or not. I just had to remind myself that for years nothing had happened, no one had seen or heard of me in the shifter community, as far as they knew I was dead and gone, this wouldn't be any different. I knew I could do it. I could relax for one night. I could actually have a friend for one night. I just had to let myself.
