Forget Me Not

by Sarah Daltry

  “Listen, Lily, I am all for having a good time. And you were definitely a good time. But Jack’s fucked up. He is a decent guy somewhere in there, but he’s not going to make a decent boyfriend. Don’t fall in love with him.”

  “I’m not,” I argue, although I can’t convince myself that I didn’t entertain the notion of starting something more with him last night. I want to get to know him better, at the very least, which seems to be somewhat out of order. Still, when someone makes you feel like Jack has made me feel, you tend to want to know more about him.

  “You’re not the kind of girl Jack knows how to handle. He usually goes for people as fucked up as he is. He doesn’t do relationships. Enjoy him, but don’t expect anything.”

  “I don’t expect anything, but maybe he can change?”

  “Sweetie, he and I go way back. I tried to change him, and it didn’t work. But he is loyal and he has my back and he would take a bullet for me. I don’t ask him for anything else.” She leans closer so only I can hear her. “When he fucks you, he will make you feel like you are the only girl in the world. But Jack is the only person in his world – and you need to decide if you can handle that.”

  “I can,” I say although I don’t feel confident that I mean it.

  “Like I said, he’s the best friend you can have. And he knows how to have fun. Just let that be enough with him, okay?” She doesn’t say anything else and leaves me in the lobby, confused, sad, and a little hopeless.

  When I get back upstairs, Jack is sitting on his bed, rage contorting his features. It’s the scary side of him that I could sense existed, but that he hadn’t revealed to me yet.

  “What happened?” I ask. I notice he is clutching his cell phone, which he shoves in his pocket.

  “Nothing.” His face changes instantly and he smiles. “So, what should we do today? Wanna go for a ride? It’s nice out and-”

  “Just tell me what happened.”

  “There are some things you don’t need to know about me, princess. Nor do you want to.”

  “You could give me a chance.”

  “Yeah? You want to hear about my fucked up life? Are you gonna rescue me?”

  “I can’t even rescue myself,” I reply.

  “Look, just let me deal with my own shit. It’s your birthday. What do you want to do?”

  “I want to get to know you.”

  “No,” he says, his face turning stony. “You don’t.” He stands and pulls me to him roughly. I fight his anger, kissing along his neck and letting my hands work over his belt and pants until I release him. If he wants to play this game, we can play. However, I’m going to remind him that it’s worth taking a chance sometimes. I grip his cock and get him hard, watching the tension build in his face. Suddenly, he grabs me, throwing me onto the bed. We are naked in under a minute and I wrap my legs tight around Jack’s waist. He fucks me like I don’t matter at all, but I watch whatever demons he is facing disappear. When he comes, he screams out my name and then he falls on top of me, his tears spilling onto my neck and chest. I say nothing, just hold him as he cries. I don’t know what he is dealing with and I can’t pretend that I am prepared to handle it, but in the last few days, I’ve enjoyed myself. As Alana said, maybe he’s fucked up, but I can’t fault him for something out of his control. He helped me forget, and I try to return the favor.

  “Talk to me,” I plead, but he says nothing, his sobs hidden in my chest as I hang on to him.

  Eventually, the crying subsides, but then Jack just acts like nothing happened. He moves his hand back between my legs, a teasing smile on his lips. He’s happy and the moment has passed. I want to ask him what bothered him, who was on the phone, but the haunted look in his eyes and his quick mood changes scare me. Instead, I lose myself with him again and, after we have sex one more time, I realize I have spent my entire weekend like this. It is both shameful and satisfying. I don’t know what comes over me, but as we lie in bed together, I lean across Jack’s body and kiss him. He jumps back as if I hit him; the rage is back and I’m not sure why.

  “What are you doing?” He is trembling as he asks.

  “I just wanted to kiss you.”

  “No,” he shakes his head. “That’s too intimate. Don’t do that.” He grips the sheets with his hands and his knuckles turn white.

  “We just spent the last four days fucking and you think a kiss is too intimate?”

  “It’s just sex, princess. Nothing more.”

  Now it’s my turn to be angry. “I never asked for a relationship, but you could use my name. And you just freaked out in front of me. Don’t act like that is not an act of intimacy.”

  His eyes go blank and he stares at me. “Lily, you don’t belong with someone with me.”

  “Maybe you should let me decide.”

  “Decide what? If I’m only reasonably fucked up? If my problems are fixable?”

  “I’m not looking for a boyfriend I need to fix.”

  “I can’t be anyone’s boyfriend,” he says.

  “I didn’t ask, but if I wanted that, I wouldn’t expect to have to change you.”

  “Right. Well, I am the kind of guy girls need to change. Because otherwise, I’m worthless.”

  “You know what? You don’t know a thing about me. I don’t want to change you and I don’t even know what your problems are. But I’ve been happy to choose to spend my time with you, doing all kinds of things that would send my family members into shock. And I loved every second of it. So you may be fucked up, but it’s not my responsibility and you need to stop taking your shit out on me.”

  Jack actually smiles. “I think that’s the first time you’ve shown a spine, princess.”

  I glare at him.

  “Lily,” he corrects. “Look, come for a ride with me. We’ll talk. I can tell you all about how fucked up I really am. Then you can run away like everyone else.”

  “I don’t run away,” I tell him. I suppose that’s not entirely true, since I ran away from Derek, right to Jack. However, that was for a different reason. I’m not going to forget everything I feel for this guy just because he tells me something about himself. In fact, all I want is for him to tell me something about himself. I want this to be more than a little bit of fun, even if I don’t know for sure what I want it to be instead.

  “You’ve never had anything to run away from,” he says. I can’t argue, because he’s right. My biggest life problem has been going to a different college from my boyfriend. However, Jack doesn’t know that and he doesn’t need to know that. Pretending that this is not the worst idea ever, I get dressed and follow him to his bike. The weather is gorgeous and it seems unfair considering that something is bothering Jack like it is. Almost as if even the sun wants him to suffer. I rest my head against his back as we ride, clinging to him and enjoying this closeness, even if it scares him. I do not intend to change him, but I can change the way he sees me.

  I thought we were going to go to a park or the river or something, but Jack pulls into the visitor parking lot of the prison. I keep my mouth shut, following him; he seems to know the guards well. They’re all friendly, but there is an unspoken feeling of anxiety when they see us. I don’t know if it comes from him or them; either way, it sends a chill through me. Maybe Jack was right. Maybe I can’t handle this.

  He takes my hand, which seems strange until I realize it is as much for him as it is for me. His entire body has grown tense and it worsens when the guards bring us into an open room. A guard tells him he will be right back and we wait. I say nothing, because there is nothing I can say. I can’t imagine why we are here. Jack taps his foot and looks around him as if someone will come out and attack him. Suddenly, he jumps up, knocking the metal chair back a full foot and grabs my hand.

  “This was a bad idea. Let’s go.”

  Stunned, I remain quiet but get up to follow him. We are both standing there when the guard brings in a man in his early 40’s. He looks at Jack and I see the resemblance immediately; they hav
e the same eyes.

  “It’s been a while,” the man says.

  “I changed my mind. We’re going.”

  “You can’t hate me forever.”

  “I don’t know. I think maybe I can.”

  “Someday, you’re going to have to listen.”

  “There is nothing you can say,” Jack spits back and then I’m being dragged outside. He collapses back against the prison wall once we pass security and again I’m afraid to speak. He catches his breath before he grabs me and kisses me hard. Suddenly, I’m the one against the brick wall and his hands are everywhere.

  “Not here,” I say.

  “I need you, princess.”

  “I know, and it’s fine. Just not here.”

  He leads me back to the bike. We ride for a while, close to two hours; this time, he brings me to a small house set at the end of a long dirt road. The yard is mostly dirt as well, although there are a few patches of overgrown grass where the dirt didn’t win. A rusted tricycle rests against the metal fence that Jack opens, leading me up the steps and into the house. The shingles are falling loose from the roof and the gutters are clogged with leaves. Inside, an old woman is sitting on a faded couch, reading a book. She looks up when we come in.

  “Grandma, I brought my friend over. We’ll be in my room for a bit. I’ll introduce you later.” Jack leads me downstairs into the basement, which is furnished. A small room off the main room appears to be his. It doesn’t look much different from his dorm room, except that there is more stuff. It is also somehow more sterile, even though there are posters on the walls and clothes and junk strewn everywhere.

  Jack wastes no time and pushes me onto the bed. He pulls my pants off first and then his. I struggle to get my shirt and bra off while he runs his fingers along my pussy. I toss my clothes on top of a beanbag chair in the corner. Lying back, I try to make eye contact with Jack, but he’s staring at the wall above my head. He grabs my legs and pushes my knees back against my shoulders, saying nothing as he enters me. His thrusts are all rage and worry. What he’s doing doesn’t hurt, but his eyes are dead. That does hurt and I try not to look at him as he fucks me. I’m scared because this isn’t something I understand. It doesn’t bother me if it helps him, but he feels so far away despite being inside me. I just want him to tell me why he’s like this. He comes quickly and rolls off of me. I try to reach out to him, but he only moves further away.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask.

  “You couldn’t possibly understand.”

  “Let me try.”

  He turns to face me and there is anger in his face that is far more terrifying than anything that he just did to me. I tell myself that he won’t hurt me, but then I realize I don’t even know that. I know nothing except that we’ve had fun for a weekend. The reality frightens me, but I steel myself and wait for his explanation. I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t run away from someone who needs me, and Jack definitely needs me. Even if he doesn’t want to.

  “You’re going to hate me.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Look, this is my shit life,” he says. “I’m sure it’s nothing like Daddy buying you a BMW for your sweet sixteen.”

  “I’ve never even owned a car,” I reply. “I’m willing to listen to you, but you really need to stop blaming me for whatever made your life suck or whatever.” I get sick of him thinking I can’t understand because my life isn’t complicated. I’m still a person and I may be unaware of a lot of what goes on in the world, but I’m not empty. “I’m trying my best, Jack.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t.”

  “You know what, Jack? Fine. Let’s just fuck and the next time you get a phone call that pisses you off, I’ll just leave. Easier than this.”

  He stares at me a second and then punches the wall next to him, making a hole in the drywall. He says nothing as he reaches into his dresser, pulling out a small tub of plaster and a putty knife. I watch him cover the hole and look around the room; I hadn’t noticed before, but there are a lot of similarly discolored spots on the walls.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” I say. “Please.”

  “I’m not ready for you to hate me yet. For a few days, I almost thought there was a chance…” He sits down next to me on the bed.

  “I thought you didn’t want a relationship.”

  “I don’t. I just thought that maybe you might not be the kind of person who wants to sanitize her hands after spending ten minutes in a house like this.”

  I sigh. “I haven’t moved. Stop assuming you know how I think.”

  He softens. “I’m sorry, Lily. I’m just used to people judging me.”

  “So you do it to them?”

  “Fair point.”

  “It’s fine. Our lives are different, that’s true. But you need to stop. I’m getting sick of being insulted. I don’t know what’s happened to you and I might not have had similar experiences, but that doesn’t mean I think less of you. Give me a chance. I gave you a chance.” He clenches his hands into fists again. “You’re making me nervous.”

  “I should make you nervous. You saw what I will become.” He looks down at his clenched fists, sad and broken.

  “I saw a man in a prison and I saw you lose it. I don’t know who he is, why he was there, or what you think it means for you. But I don’t think you automatically become anything.”

  “That’s my dad.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, that still doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t if he’d robbed a convenience store or sold drugs. However, what he did… It doesn’t go away.”

  “What did he do?” I don’t know if I should ask, but curiosity gets the better of me.

  “He murdered my mother.”

  The silence between us fills the room. For all of my understanding that people have different stories and backgrounds, everyone I know is basically the same. I don’t come from a world where things like this happen anywhere but in movies or on the nightly news. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do. My entire sense of reality, of what’s normal, implodes around me; the fragile shards of my ignorance cut me deeply. I tell myself I need to say something – anything – but I can’t find the words. Jack looks at me and I want to try. I want desperately to try. Still, though, I say nothing. What was supposed to be a fun weekend, a chance to disappear into a physical place, has become something so much heavier all of a sudden. I should be upset that it’s become this, yet somehow, this is exactly where I want to be and I want to help him. I just don’t know how.

  “I can take you back,” he says. He dresses, but I don’t move. I watch him put his clothes back on, although the way down to his shoes, but I just remain frozen and silent. It feels like abandonment to walk away from him, but I also can’t seem to respond. I wish there was something I could think of to say. I feel useless.

  “We can stay,” I finally tell him, as if that is saying anything.

  He sits back down on the bed and starts talking. “When I was little, my parents fought like crazy. My mom was an alcoholic and worse, although I didn’t really know about drugs when I was a kid. Dad worked a lot. He was never home. He probably had a girlfriend somewhere, but again, these are things you don’t know when you’re younger. When they were home together, though, it was terrible. I remember one time Mom was strung out or something and she wouldn’t get off the couch. Dad kept telling her that she needed to get up, to feed me. It was the summer and I’d been wearing the same clothes for days. I ate when my friends’ parents would invite me in for lunch. At eight, it never occurred to me how they looked at me with pity. I just thought it was great. When my friends had to go in for dinner, or go take a bath, I could just stay out all night playing. I used to hate when Dad came home, because he would always make me clean up and he would give me a curfew.”

  He pauses, but I don’t speak. I don’t think he wants anything but an ear right now. His hands knot the s
heet and he tries to remain stoic. I rest a hand on his leg, trying to give him something in return.

  “She wouldn’t get up. He was just screaming and she wouldn’t move. When she started to laugh, he picked her up and threw her out into the driveway. He told her not to come back until she got her shit together. I didn’t see her for the rest of the summer. Eventually, the cops brought her to us. She didn’t look any different. Nothing changed after that. She didn’t even make empty promises that they would. We just went right back into the routine. Dad almost lost his job that summer because of her. He couldn’t be home, but someone needed to watch me. If it wasn’t for my grandmother, he would’ve lost his job, but luckily, she offered to take care of me.”

  “She’s your dad’s mother?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “My mother’s. But everyone knew what my mom had become. She wanted to help, since she couldn’t help her own daughter. Everyone in town knew, everyone at church knew, everyone at school knew. Everyone except me. Even if they’d tried to explain it to me, I wouldn’t have understood. I still loved her, despite it all. I didn’t know any better. I just knew she was my mom. You have to love your mom, right?”

  I don’t know how to answer that. I love my mom, but my mom does my laundry and cooks huge meals for our whole family and takes me shopping. She calls me and makes sure I have everything I need. Even when she’s moody and we fight, she has never been anything but fully committed to being my mom. Listening to Jack’s story makes me both sad for him and grateful for my own parents.

  “Anyway, that was just one time. It was always like that. Maybe it was inevitable what he did, but she was my mom. I can’t forgive that.”

  I nod to show empathy, because words just seem meaningless. I want to ask what happened, but it seems heartless and a little crude. I wait for him to clarify, to give me more insight into who he is. My entire life seems changed suddenly because of Jack. I thought it was just fun, good sex to take my mind off of Derek, but now, I don’t even feel like the same person. I wonder how I could have changed so much in a few days. A few hours even. I guess that’s what actually getting to know a person – along with all of his baggage - can do.