by Sarah Daltry
I feel sad for him, for what he’s been through, for the way he’s been treated. I know he doesn’t want my pity, but I can’t help it. It’s just so much to put on someone so young.
“There will always be people like Dave and Alana,” I say.
“And you?” It’s a question rather than a statement, because Jack is still hoping for something. I don’t know what it is, since he made it clear that it’s not a relationship. I don’t think he’s only interested in sex, though, because he wouldn’t waste his time like this.
Again, I change the subject. I seem to do that a lot. “You must be pretty smart. I mean, it’s not like everyone gets accepted.”
He smiles. “I’m brilliant, or so they tell me.”
“Really?”
“Surprised? Someone like me?”
“No. It’s just… You never talk about school.”
“No, not really. I don’t actually think I’m brilliant, but I’ve done well in school. Well enough that it got me a scholarship and a way out. Never underestimate the value of homework,” I guess.
I can’t help but laugh. Our worlds are vastly different, but in this way, we are exactly the same. College wasn’t a way out for me, but it was something I worked hard to achieve. Of course, if I don’t get my shit together, that’s not going to last forever. I keep having to remind myself that we are in the midst of midterms.
“I need to do more of that,” I admit.
“Homework?”
“Yeah. I seem to be dedicating myself more to the … extracurricular side of college.”
His eyes flash, excited and flirty. “I’d be happy to help you with both.” He moves toward me and runs his hand over my cheek. “Maybe we could even head back now. For a study session.”
“Somehow, I don’t think we’ll do much studying,” I say. A sudden jealousy bursts in me. It was a study session that ruined things with Derek. That reminds me that I still have to respond to his email. I’m having a hard time focusing, though, because Jack’s hands are moving down my back and he pulls me against him hard.
“There’s no one in my room. Think of the privacy.” I feel him hard against my thigh and I want to give in, but now that I know that Derek thinks that we’re still okay and now that I have Jack’s issues to deal with, my body has to stop. I can’t let sex be everything.
“How’d you get a single anyway?” I ask him, backing up and breaking his hold on me. He sighs, frustration flashing across his face, and lights another cigarette.
“The university doesn’t want the legal obligation of explaining to some kid’s parents that they paired him with a convict’s kid. I didn’t really want a roommate anyway and I requested a single. Turns out it works well for everyone.”
“Does it get lonely?”
“Not having a roommate?”
“Yeah,” I say, thinking of Kristen. I feel like she was crucial to getting me through the homesickness and sadness that filled my days at the beginning of the semester. Although maybe Jack didn’t have anything to miss.
“I don’t play well with others, Lily. I thought you got that.”
“You certainly play well with me.” The words are out before I can stop them. He throws his cigarette to the ground and grabs me. I was supposed to stop flirting, to make this platonic, but something about him makes me do stupid things.
“You’re gonna spend the night, right?” I want to say yes, to let him have me right here in this parking lot, but there are too many questions.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “What are we, Jack?”
“I don’t know. Do we have to decide now?”
“I have a lot of things to think about. Believe it or not, I have my own complicated issues,” I say, thinking of Derek and his email. “It would help if I knew where we stand.”
“What do you want this to be?”
“I’m not sure.”
“So why isn’t that enough? Let’s just see. This isn’t the kind of thing I do, you know.”
“I know. That worries me. You said Alana was your best friend, but you couldn’t date her. Are you going to give up on me, too? I’m not the kind of girl-”
“Oh, right. Now we’re back to being innocent.” He is suddenly seething and his anger freaks me out. I was open to taking a chance on him, but I remember why I was nervous in the first place now. I definitely don’t have the ability to be with someone like Jack.
“I’m gonna call a cab,” I tell him.
He watches me as I start to walk back to the cafe. This is unhealthy, I realize. Neither of us knows what we want and we keep going back and forth with each other. It isn’t fair and it isn’t going to end well. I should’ve known that Jack was part of something too alien for me.
“Lily,” he calls. I turn around and he’s standing by his bike, looking repentant. I should keep going to the cafe and call that cab, but I don’t. I walk back to where he is.
“Start talking,” I say.
“Look, princess, I’m sorry. But I thought we were clear. I’m trying to be better with you, but I’m not boyfriend material. Why does it matter? You certainly didn’t care that we weren’t in a relationship for the last four days when you let me fuck you nonstop.”
“No, but the last four days were something else. They were temporary.”
“I don’t do permanent, Lily.”
“Maybe I’m not even ready for permanent, Jack.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I’d just like to know I was worth it to you.”
He laughs; it’s a bitter laugh and he shakes his head. “Worth it to me? Who am I to judge your worth? You know what I am. I’m a fucking loser. I’ll never be anything else. I manage to get good enough grades to do well in school, but it won’t matter. My name is shit. I’ll always be the bad kid, the kid with the fucked up past, the kid with the dead drug addict mom and the murderer dad. I’m the definition of worthless, Lily. Don’t look to me to declare your worth. I have no idea what it means to be worth it.”
“You’re not worthless,” I tell him.
“Yeah? Tell that to my dead mom who cared so little about me that she preferred being high to being a mother. Tell that to my dad. I was so worthless to him that he didn’t even consider me. It was bad enough losing my mom, but I lost my dad, too.”
“You can still fix things with your dad,” I suggest.
“No. I can’t. And I don’t want to. My grandma gets upset that I don’t make an effort with him, but Lily, I don’t want this life. I don’t want to be the kid who has to accept this shit.”
“I know.”
“You don’t know,” he replies.
“You’re right. I don’t. But that still means nothing about your worth. I think you’re worth something.”
“If I could be the kind of guy that gets to be with a girl like you, I would be. I would give everything to be that kind of guy. However, it isn’t reality, princess. This is reality. I’m a piece of shit screw up who can fuck you like no one else can – and I have to be happy that you’ll even let me do that. That’s the best I can hope for; sooner or later, you’ll realize it.”
The pain in his voice shatters me. I reach out and run my fingers along Jack’s arm. He holds his breath and I move closer. This time, he doesn’t react when I kiss him. His lips part slightly and I can feel his anxiety in his shoulders. It’s a quick kiss, but it’s a step.
“I can be your friend,” I tell him. “But you have to let me.”
This time, Jack kisses me. It’s amazing and I try to stop myself from feeling anything for him, but there is so much built up emotion in the way his lips move. I get the impression he has never kissed anyone like this – or at least not for a long time. He’s spent so long being the guy who hates everything, the one who pushes everyone away, that now the walls crumble as his mouth moves on mine. I am lost in him and we stand in the parking lot of the cafe, discovering each other in a way that an entire weekend of sex couldn’t allow us. I feel closer to Jack now t
han I’ve ever felt with anyone.
“Don’t fall for me, princess,” he pleads, but it’s too late.
****
Back in Jack’s room, it’s different this time. There are no toys, no extras. He’s gentle and sweet and he undresses me as if I am fragile. I am amazed at the way he’s being cautious. It just makes me feel even more for him, although when he was rough and the sex was wild, I wasn’t complaining. Still, this is something else entirely and when he enters me on his bed, it is a whole new experience. Even with Derek, I felt love for him, but we were in the same place emotionally. The way Jack is being with me is unexpected; he’s as vulnerable as I am even if he is in control. I don’t know why I trust him, why I believe that this is something special for him, but I feel sure that it is. He stares at me while he thrusts inside me and his hands move to my face. The back of his palm brushes my cheek and he lets out a soft moan.
“Oh, Lily,” he says and he leans down to kiss me. It’s a perfect kiss, both giving and demanding.
I hold on to his hips as he continues to move within me. His breathing is ragged, our bodies are on fire, and still his eyes never leave mine. He says my name over and over as he slides in and out of my pussy. I clutch at him with my thighs and he moans loudly. I can’t control my orgasm and when it comes, it is entire. Digging my heels into his bed, I feel it all the way through my body. My nerves tingle and I cry his name. It is the full extent of the pleasure and the look in his eyes that lead me to say what I do.
“I love you, Jack.”
His eyes grow scared, but his body wants more of me and he takes it until he comes as well. After, though, he pulls away.
“Don’t say those words,” he begs. “I’m not capable of love and I’m not deserving of it.”
“I disagree,” I tell him and bring him back to me. “And, it may have been a fit of passion that dragged the words from me, but I do. I do love you. I care for you so much.”
“It’s only been a few days.”
“So what? In a few days, I feel closer to you than I’ve felt with anyone else. Maybe it’s what brought us together, maybe it’s the weight of your story, but something in you makes me want to believe in you. Believe in us.”
“We aren’t ready to be an us.”
“Maybe not, but I do love you. I don’t know if that means I’m ready to be in love with you, but I feel like you need to know. And I hope that maybe it can be something, even if I’m not sure what that is.”
He kisses my head and holds me tight. “Thank you, Lily. For giving me a reason to hope.”
We fall asleep together and he wakes me before breakfast in the morning. I have an exam today and I need to be able to focus. However, I want him bad, especially since he is ready to go when he wakes me.
“We don’t have enough time,” I say, while he moves his cock along my thigh and teases my clit with his fingers.
“I can be quick,” he says.
I laugh. “Maybe, but I don’t want to be thinking about fucking you while I’m writing an exam essay on the Quartering Act.”
“That’s the hottest of the Intolerable Acts.” He kisses me, but I know how rattled I’ll be if we have sex. I opt instead to get him into my mouth. His cock is already hard and I stroke him while I move my tongue up and down over it. Jack grabs my head and pushes me down onto him, desperate to bury himself in me somehow. I swallow when he comes, which doesn’t take long, and then we head to breakfast. I somehow manage to study for my exam while we eat.
After my exam, I go back to my room to work on my paper. I need to be alone if I’m going to get any work done. Jack asked me to work on it in his room, but that’s going to result in one shoddy paper. I’m almost done writing when Kristen comes in.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. She looks flustered, but I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad flustered.
“Why can’t I just tell him how I feel?”
“Lyle?”
She sits on my bed and nods. “Yeah. I mean, I have been flirting with him nonstop for months. I think he likes me, but every time we get close to anything happening, one of us ruins it. Why can’t I just tell him?”
I can’t help but laugh. “Kristen, I’m sorry. But I am the worst person to ask for relationship advice.”
She laughs as well. “Well, I don’t know who else to ask. What should I do?”
“I say go for it.”
“How?”
“Are you a virgin, Kristen?”
She nods. “Lyle is, too.”
It feels strange to be giving sex advice, although I suppose I wasn’t innocent before Jack. Just less experienced. “Get him alone and kiss him. Stop waiting for him to do it. I know you keep hoping he’ll make the move, but it’s never going to happen.”
“What if he doesn’t like me, though?”
“Oh, he definitely likes you. He’s just shy, I guess.”
“You’re sure.”
I confess the secret I’ve been keeping for Lyle. “You know how we’re both in environmental club?”
“Seriously? You want to talk about environmental club?”
“Hear me out,” I say.
“Okay, environmental club…”
“Right. Well, the club is a total waste of time. We literally just sit around talking about trash and debating about recycling and then do nothing.”
“Good story.”
“Shut up. The point is, Lyle and I usually end up hanging around talking about other things. Or, more accurately, we hang around talking about how much he likes you and how I’m not supposed to tell you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kristen shrieks.
“Because it’s a jerk move. Anyway, what I’m trying to tell you is that, yes, he definitely likes you. He’s obviously just never going to do anything about it unless you do.”
“Okay. This week. He will be mine,” she laughs.
“Awesome.”
“Anyway, what about you? Have you decided what you’re doing yet?”
“I have no idea,” I admit.
“You’re going to hurt someone eventually,” she says. “It’s easier to do it earlier than later. Just keep that in mind.”
“You’re right. The problem is that I just don’t know who it is going to be,” I tell her.
Chapter 12
Exam week is fairly redundant. Every day, I take a test, work on papers, and spend a few hours with Jack, forgetting all about school as he teaches me more and more ways to please myself. I eat meals with my friends and I finally feel like I’m part of the group. I even make plans to go to a party with them on Saturday night, since Jack’s working anyway. Besides, I can see him after the party. On Friday afternoon, he also has to work so we don’t get to spend time together. I still feel a little strange about what we are doing, because we haven’t given ourselves a label. I also never emailed Derek back, which I know I need to do this weekend. I promise myself that I’ll straighten it all out as soon as I finish my last few papers.
Since Jack is busy and I have plenty of work due by Sunday night, I go to the library to finish my papers. I’m not going to write if Jack’s around anyway and the library is free of distraction. In three hours, I get all of the papers finished and feel accomplished. Now, I am free to enjoy myself fully as soon as he gets out of work. After I hit send on all the emails to professors, I decide to take the long way back to the dorm. It’s a pretty walk and I’m almost happy, which is why I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised when everything falls apart as soon as I make it to the dorm.
I think nothing of the voices coming from my room until I get closer. Kristen is talking to a guy, but I expect it to be Lyle or maybe Don. I definitely don’t expect it to be Derek. He’s sitting on my bed, but he jumps down and rushes to me, scooping me up in a hug, as soon as I enter the room. He plants kisses all over my face.
“I missed you so much. You never called me back,” he says.
“I broke my phone.”
“I emailed you, too.” It’s not
accusatory, just clarifying, but it stings. I should have replied. This is a mess.
“I was busy. Exams.”
“Well, I have a huge surprise for you.” He points to flowers that are sitting in a red plastic cup full of water. “I also brought flowers. Kristen and I couldn’t find a vase, so…”
“It’s fine,” I say, but I don’t know what to do or how to react. Suddenly, Derek being here, in my room, feels invasive. Kristen looks at us both and excuses herself. I can’t imagine what she must be thinking; she warned me about this and I stupidly didn’t listen.
As soon as she’s gone, Derek is all over me. I’m still extremely attracted to him, but my mind is racing. Although I can’t deny that my feelings for Derek are still there, all I can think of is Jack.
“Stop,” I tell him.
“Why?”
“Just stop.” I move away from him and sit on my bed. He must sense something is wrong, because he just stands in the doorway.
“Lily, I’ve been an ass, but I spent all week catching up so I could make it up to you.”
“I don’t…” However, I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t want you to make it up to me? I don’t love you anymore? I don’t know what the hell I am doing with myself? I don’t want to break Jack’s heart as soon as he opened up to me? There is no sentence that makes this all right, but I have no choice. I need to do something.
“Listen, I booked a hotel for the weekend,” Derek says. “Pack some things. I’m going to sweep you off your feet to make up for being a douche lately. Exams are over and we can figure it all out.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I have plans.”
“So cancel them.”
I laugh. “Oh, like you canceled your plans for me? Go to hell, Derek.”
“Lily, I spent the whole week trying to make it okay. You didn’t even talk to me.”
“I don’t want to do this.”
“Why? I know you think there is something happening with me and Jodie, but there isn’t. I love you. Only you.” He comes over to me on the bed and kisses me, but it feels wrong. I break away from him and stand up.
