by Sarah Daltry
“No. No. This isn’t working.”
“Lily, I know I screwed up, but please, give me a chance. I am having such a hard time in my classes and I didn’t want to bother you with it, on top of having to ditch you for rugby. You have enough to worry about, but I love you. You’re all I care about.”
“It’s too late, Derek. You didn’t care when I needed you.”
“What are you talking about? I always cared.”
“Where were you last weekend? When I needed you?”
“Please don’t do this, Lily. I offered to cancel my plans. I offered to quit the damn team. You kept saying it was fine. Don’t put this all on me.”
“It was never fine,” I cry.
“Well, how the fuck was I supposed to know that? I can’t read your mind.”
He’s angry and hurt and he has every right to be. The right thing would have been to have this conversation before I started something with Jack, but I didn’t. Instead, I’m now caught between them both and looking at Derek hurts so much. I want to feel the same way that I used to about him; I want to go back to how things were before I started college.
I sit in my chair and cover my face. I wish I had a clue what I was doing. Why didn’t I realize this would blow up? Obviously, Derek wasn’t going to disappear while I started a new relationship. Why would that even be an option?
“I thought you broke up with me,” I say weakly.
He kneels down in front of me. “Of course not. You’ve been the entire world to me since as long as I can remember. This last year? It’s been amazing. I couldn’t ask for anything else.”
“I screwed up.”
“No, I did. I should have listened, should have been there. You’ve always been there, Lily. I took you for granted and I’m sorry. Let’s go to the hotel. Let’s fix this.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t go with you,” I say.
“What do you mean? You’re being silly. It was just a fight. People fight. We can fix it. You’re my life.” He’s almost begging and my heart breaks with every syllable he speaks.
“I thought you broke up with me,” I repeat. “I was hurt. It made me crazy.”
“And we can talk about it. I’ll be a better boyfriend.”
“Derek, I met someone.”
He laughs, but it’s a nervous laugh. “It’s been a week. Only a week. You couldn’t have done anything…” He stops because he sees it all over my face. I am falling apart. In a week, I have ruined everything. All I ever wanted was Derek. Jack’s been a great distraction, but this is Derek. I want to fix things, right? Why don’t I know what I want?
“It’s not just that.” I look in his eyes as I say it and I can almost hear his heart breaking.
“Lily, tell me.” He’s trying not to cry, trying not to freak out. His fists are clenched tight at his sides, but he’s still smiling through it all. He wants me to tell him that it meant nothing, that Jack is not going to come between us. I wish those were the words waiting for him.
The words spill out of me in a way that they didn’t for the first few months of the semester.
“I was so lonely. When school started, I felt abandoned. Abby’s traveling, you have Jon and then rugby, and my parents don’t even call. It was so hard to deal with it all. When I called you, I felt like I was losing you more each time and I couldn’t fix it, couldn’t get it back.”
“You were never in danger of losing me.”
“I was, though, and then, when we went home for Columbus Day, I realized I wasn’t whole anymore. I lost something between home and school and I had two choices. I could cling to the past and become nothing but a shadow of who I was – or I could become someone else. So I decided that I needed to be that person, the one who chose this school, who wanted to be here.”
“And?”
“I started to love it here, Derek.” I don’t think I realized it until now, but over the past month, this has become my life. My new life.
“That’s awesome, Lily.”
“It is, but the problem is, now when I think of home, I think of here. I don’t even feel connected to the person I was when school started – and definitely not to the girl I was last year. I needed to get over it all, but it meant moving on. It meant starting something new and, now, I’m sitting here looking at you as a totally different person.”
“That’s okay. I love you, no matter who you are.”
“That’s just it, though, isn’t it? You don’t know who I am anymore. I left behind so much and lost that connection to home. Moving on means moving forward, becoming someone new. That means letting go of those pieces of home. You’re the last piece of home, Derek.”
“No, Lily. You don’t need to leave it all behind just to move forward.”
“Are you sure?”
He shakes his head. “No. I’m not sure. But I am sure that I love you and I want to try. You still want to try, don’t you?”
“And Jack? What does that mean?”
“I think that’s for you to decide.”
“He was so mean to me at first. When I first met him, I hated him. He was such an asshole. But last weekend, I was hurt. I felt empty. The last strings to the past were being cut and I wasn’t ready. He was there and something has changed, Derek.”
“What?”
I don’t want to discuss Jack, his past, who he is. None of that seems to be important and it’s not fair of me to share his story. What I say next, though, seems to hurt Derek even more than anything else I have said so far.
“I just don’t think I’m the girl you fell in love with anymore.”
Derek looks at me, stunned. Fate and its cruelty bring the knock on the door at that exact moment. I don’t move, although I reach out a hand to stop Derek. He can’t know who it is and I’m sure he figures it’s someone looking for Kristen. I know, though. And I know there is no way this ends well.
I look up and Jack is standing inches from Derek. I don’t know how Derek knows, but he does. Instantly. He clenches his fists and speaks low.
“Go away.”
“Who are you? Princess, what’s going on?” Jack looks confused and a little nervous. I can’t meet his eyes, shame breaking me into a million tiny pieces.
Derek pushes Jack back so he hits the wall across the hallway. “I said go away. She’s not your fucking princess.”
Jack walks forward and pushes Derek back. Derek’s bigger than he is and more athletic and I’m terrified when he grabs Jack by the throat. Jack, now seething, twists out of his grip, swinging at Derek. The punch connects with Derek’s jaw, which just makes it a million times worse. Derek hits Jack and it knocks him to the ground. He’s on the floor, still all rage, but Derek slams the door.
“Fuck you, Derek.”
“Are you serious, Lily? What am I supposed to do? Get to know the guy you want instead of me? Will that make you happy?” He’s crying now and I need this to stop. I need it all not to be happening. I push past Derek, out into the hall. I can’t handle being trapped in the room with Derek, but Jack’s in the hall still and he looks at me to say something.
“I can’t. Just leave me alone.” I run down the hall, down the fire stairs, and out onto the quad. I’m standing in the middle of the quad, shaking, tears blurring everything, when both guys catch up to me. They’re still angry at each other and now they’re directing their anger at me as well.
“Princess, what the hell is happening?” Jack asks.
“I told you. She’s not your fucking princess,” Derek says. “Lily, I don’t know what happened this past month, but seriously? We have a history. You’re not really going to throw it away for this, are you? I mean, he’s a loser.”
“Shut up,” I say.
“What?”
“You don’t even know him. I fucked up, not him.”
“Don’t bother defending me,” Jack says. “I don’t care what some asshole thinks.” I see it, though. He recognizes in Derek what all of high school was for him. I wish I could explain it away. He judged me and pu
t me into that group before he got to know me. I feel like I’ve proven that I’m not one of them, but Derek’s comment cuts to the quick. Everything Jack has faced is reflected back in Derek’s glare. And I can’t even blame Derek for it. It’s rude and callous, but I just broke his heart and threw away a year of something good. Jack is the enemy as far as he’s concerned.
“He’s not an asshole. He’s just hurt.”
“What is going on?” Derek cries.
“I’d like to know, too,” Jack adds. “I thought we had plans tonight.”
I steady myself and face Jack first. “Jack, I thought Derek and I were over. I guess it wasn’t clear. He’s my boyfriend.”
“You still have a boyfriend? You kept telling me you did and turning me down. Then, you came running. I figured you were done.” He looks like he’s going to explode and I don’t know if it’s rage or pain or something else.
“Sort of. Well, I mean, yes, for a year now, but I didn’t know we were still together when you and I…”
“What did you do, Lily?” Derek asks.
“Jack and I have been together lately.”
“And what? You love him? It’s been a week!”
“I know it’s only been a week, but I have feelings for him.”
“Do you?” Jack asks. “Because you’re telling me you have a boyfriend right now.”
“I don’t know. I mean, yes, I do have feelings for you. But Derek and I… it’s complicated. I care about you both.”
“Lily, I came up here to take you away for our anniversary. Let’s just go and we can deal with this. Alone. It’s been a week. There is nothing in a week that can make up for the past year.” Derek takes my arm, but looking at Jack freezes me in place.
“Yeah, go, princess. I should have known I’d never be right for you.” Jack starts to walk away.
“No, don’t go,” I beg.
“He’s right. You have a history. Don’t make this worse than it needs to be.”
“Lily, what do you want? Who do you want?” Derek asks.
I pull free from Derek’s grip and look back and forth between them. “I want you both to leave me alone. That’s what I want.” They both grow silent and I continue. “I just started college a couple months ago. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t do this right now. So far, all I have done is worry about a relationship. What about me? Where am I in all this?”
“You’re the girl I love,” Derek says.
“No, I’m not. You’re in love with someone I used to be. And you,” I say, turning to Jack. “You don’t even know me yet. Derek and I weren’t even done and I made a huge mistake rushing into something with you, Jack. Being with you wasn’t a mistake. In fact, it was the best week I have had at school so far, but it’s only a week and I need to face that. You don’t even want a relationship.”
“Right,” Jack says, but it’s not the same tone that I’ve come to know from him. It’s sadness and confusion and a desire to run away before it hurts too much.
“Derek, I care about you. You’re my first love, but I don’t know if that’s enough anymore and I need time to figure it all out. Jack, I can’t ask for something from you, something that obviously isn’t easy for you to give in the first place, when I don’t even know what I want or what I can offer in return. I need a break from you both. Please.”
It’s hard to do, but it’s what I need to do and I know it now. It’s college and I’ve been enjoying myself with both guys, but sex takes things to a new level that I can’t handle with one, never mind two guys. I need to decide who I am first. They both look at me and the silence settles. Finally, they each turn in a different direction and leave me alone on the quad.
It’s a good night to go for a walk and I walk for hours. I do my best not to cry, although I have moments of total breakdown. I still love Derek; it’s impossible not to care for him, since I’ve cared for him for so long. However, I don’t know if it’s the right kind of love. We’ve been so close and a year is a long time, but I don’t feel like the same girl I was when I fell for him or the girl I was when we started dating. I made the choice to go to school away from him and I don’t know if that was the first sign, but a part of me is disconnected. I don’t know if Jack’s the cause of that or not, and for that reason, I feel like I need to step away from Jack as well. It isn’t fair to Derek to break it off if I don’t know why I’m doing so, or just because another guy came on the scene. Still, something is clearly missing. I’ve been unhappy since school started and I don’t think I can be with him the way I used to want to be. That breaks my heart, because he’s such a part of me.
On the other hand, it is absolutely unfair to Jack to start a relationship when I don’t even know where I stand with Derek or myself. He’s in so much need and I’d only be hurting him by getting involved if I didn’t know for sure it was what I wanted. He took a huge risk by even considering taking what was supposed to be a fling to another level; I can’t pretend that I don’t know what is at stake if I screw it up. I’m not ready for that kind of commitment after what I have to face with Derek and I decide it’s more important to stay away from them both for now.
When I make my way back to my room, I expect to be alone. Instead, I find Derek sitting on my bed, with a stuffed tiger he bought me last spring sitting on his lap. He’s crying and I wish I could make it all okay. Kristen is nowhere to be found. I shouldn’t want to bother her with this, but I could use some moral support right about now.
“Hi,” I say. The door shuts quietly behind me.
“I have only loved you,” he says. It’s not what I want to hear and I go to Kristen’s bed and sit down.
“Derek, the number of nights I spent fantasizing about you… I always dreamed it would be you. You’ve made me incredibly happy this past year, but something happened. I don’t feel like I even know you anymore. I feel like we went in different directions, but neither of us wanted to admit it.”
“You’re the only direction I know.” Tears streak down his face and looking at him destroys me. I realized in my walk that this was the right thing to do, but I didn’t realize it would be so hard. A part of me hoped he felt the same, but evidently, he doesn’t.
“Why do you even like me? You have a whole life outside of me. You chose to spend time playing rugby and doing things at school that didn’t include me. I missed you so much. Don’t you think that says something?”
“I know and I’m a moron, but I never did it because I didn’t care. Lily, I had so many girlfriends in high school. You know that. It was all fun. When I got to school last fall, Jon and I met Alyssa, Maya, and Jodie. I didn’t tell you, because there was so much jealousy in your face when we talked, but I was seeing Jodie when I came home last year for your birthday. After that night with you, I ended it with her. I haven’t even looked at another girl since you.”
“I believe you.”
“That’s just it. I don’t think you do. You get jealous and I’ve literally done nothing but try to pass my classes, play sports, and be faithful to you.”
“I do believe you, but why didn’t you want to be around me?”
“Because I’m an idiot. I thought about you all the time, but I just thought it was fine. I thought we had the perfect relationship.”
“But it wasn’t perfect. Not for me.”
“I love you, Lily. I have tried to be everything you wanted me to be, although it’s an incredibly high standard you set. I was never good enough for you.”
“What do you mean?” I ask. I never held Derek up to be something he wasn’t and I’m not sure what he means by that.
“You want someone to be everything for you. You looked at me like I could save you. And I wanted to save you. But it was so much pressure. I took on rugby because I needed something to take me away from the constant feeling that I couldn’t do it, that I would fail you.”
“You never failed me.”
“I did. I was right. I couldn’t save you.”
“That’s
the problem, Derek. You’re right. I wanted you to save me, but I don’t want to be the girl who needs saving. I want to be a girl. A girl that maybe has a boyfriend, but a girl that doesn’t let having a boyfriend define her. I think, with you, I always looked at you like you were a sign that I was something special. If you loved me, I mattered.”
“Lily, you matter because you matter. It has nothing to do with me.”
I move over to my bed and curl up in Derek’s arms. It feels so comforting to be near him, even with my convictions of being alone ringing in my ears. He was never less than perfect for me. That isn’t what drove me to Jack, although I can’t explain what did. All the cliché breakup phrases aside, this truly is me. It’s nothing that Derek did. I wish I could make it all okay for him, but I don’t know how.
“I don’t deserve you. I cheated on you.”
“It’s okay. I can forgive you.”
I look up at his eyes. They’re glowing because of his tears. “Derek, you’re still one of my best friends. I don’t know what happened, but it was really nothing you did. I just don’t think we can work.”
“So that’s it? Are we definitely over?”
“I think so. I feel like something’s missing, something that has nothing to do with you. I love you, but I just don’t love you like I want to love you. In the long run, we’ll both be happier this way.”
“Is this because of that guy?”
“No,” I tell him and it’s the truth. “I have started to care for Jack, but he’s a symptom not the cause. I loved you for so long, but because of it, I didn’t realize until recently that we have grown up to be different people. You’re fun, the life of the party. You love sports and being around people. I just want to stay home and read. I love school. I actually want to learn.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“No. I just think we have different goals and different interests. I could never think poorly of you. You made me half of who I am today, both as my boyfriend and as my friend. I can’t extricate my life from you, Derek. I love you so much. It just isn’t the same kind of love anymore.”
He leans down and kisses me. I know what he’s hoping will happen and, although I can’t deny that my body still feels tingly when he touches me, the sensations are not as strong as they used to be. I break away from the kiss.
