by Sarah Daltry
“I’m ready. I can’t promise I won’t break him and I can’t say he won’t break me. But I want to try.”
“I warned you, you know. I told you not to fall for him.”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“He’s going to be a terrible boyfriend.”
“I don’t care what kind of boyfriend he is. I just want Jack. With whatever that brings.”
Alana smiles. “Yeah. I get that.”
In that smile, I realize what no one had told me yet. Alana loves Jack. I don’t know how long she has or what that means for me, but she’s in love with him and probably has been for quite some time. I feel guilt and envy simultaneously.
“How long?” I ask.
“For what?”
“How long have you been in love with him?”
She sighs and walks to a bench across the street. I can still hear the opening band and follow her. She lights another cigarette and offers me one. I take it and sit beside her, waiting for her to tell me her story.
She takes a huge drag off her cigarette and breathes it out slowly before speaking. “Is it that obvious?”
“No. I didn’t know at first, but I recognize that look when you say his name. I feel the exact same way.” It breaks my heart to tell her that, both because it will hurt her and also because I have to admit that I care for someone who will probably never forgive me and definitely doesn’t feel the same.
“I fell for him right away. The first time I saw him, I knew. He had no friends. When I talked to him, we just clicked, you know? I was a loser, too, but together? We were something special. All of the places in me that were empty fit with all the places he wasn’t. I felt like I’d found the only friend I’d ever need.”
“But you weren’t dating?”
“No, we were friends for over a year before it started, but eventually, well… Hell, we were fifteen. Our hormones were crazy, and, I mean, there was no one else. Who better to experiment with than your best friend, right? It was a little awkward at first, but eventually, it was what we both needed. We had the physical and emotional and things were good.”
I haven’t been smoking the cigarette she gave me, but thinking of her having spent years exploring sex with Jack makes me so jealous. I quietly smoke, watching her do the same. It’s weird. I’ve slept with this girl. I’ve watched Jack fuck her in front of me. However, it’s the way she talks about him now that’s hard to face. I want to be the one who makes him better; I’m envious of Alana’s history with him, not that she has the history.
“So what happened? If it was working?”
“We were kids. I don’t know what I want with my life now at twenty. At sixteen? I didn’t know what I wanted that month, never mind forever.”
“It started when our friend Dave wanted to date me. Jack and I were a couple, but we were always honest about the possibility of dating other people. It just never happened. For me, it was always Jack. He never even looked for anyone else. But when Dave asked me out, Jack lost it. I said no. I wanted no one but Jack, but the whole dynamic changed. Despite what we had as a couple, he’s damaged. He’d freak out whenever he thought I was mad at him. He was so jealous of Dave and they’d randomly fight when we all hung out. At some point, I couldn’t handle his moodiness anymore. I don’t remember breaking up, but we just weren’t together all of a sudden. I don’t even know who ended it.”
“But you still… I mean, the physical part was still there.”
“Not at first.” Alana stomps out her cigarette and leans back on the bench, looking at the sky. “It was actually really bad at first. I started seeing Dave. I didn’t really even like Dave, but he liked me and I wanted to piss off Jack. I was angry about how easily things fell apart between us. And it worked, but not how I wanted. Jack wasn’t just mad; now he hated me. We weren’t even friends anymore.”
“So how did you fix it?”
“It was a mess. Prom came around and I thought we could all go together, even if it was stupid and lame. I tried to talk Jack into going, into starting over as friends. When Dave and I were together, Jack was alone, and I hated that most of all. Dave still wanted the three of us to be what we were, and I stupidly thought the answer was Prom.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Prom seems like the worst possible thing for either of you.”
Alana laughs. “No kidding. I thought it was a joke, though. Like we’d all go and make fun of everyone. That was what we did and where better to hate your peers than Prom? Dave wanted to go. He thought it would be fun and a part of him still wanted to be normal, you know? So I tried to convince Jack, but he just told me that he would lose all respect for me if I went. He thought it was like my approval of everyone else or something if I went.”
“Did you go?”
“I did. Dave was so excited about it. All of our lives are shitty and stupid. It was nothing, but it made him happy. It was the only high school thing he did that didn’t end up fucked up.”
“Jack told me Dave’s dad made a scene at graduation.”
She nods. “Yeah. That’s how things were with all of us. We were all fucked up, living lives with other people who were fucked up. Definitely too fucked up to do anything but make our lives far more difficult. So, how could I say no? Dave needed something else. He talked about nothing but Prom for weeks. I figured Jack would get over it.”
“He did, though, because you’re still friends.”
“Yeah, he did. Three months later. He wouldn’t look at me for three months and then, one day that summer, he just showed up at my house. As if nothing had happened. I tried to talk about it with him, but he wouldn’t address it. He just kind of expected it to fix itself. I didn’t want to fight about it, so I let it go. He wanted to have sex, to pretend things were still exactly the same. Of course, I was still with Dave, so I wouldn’t mess around with Jack. He was hurt, but we managed to stay friends after that.”
“Then what? Jack told me you guys mess around sometimes.”
She sighs. “We do. Or we did. Before he left for the military, Dave broke up with me. He has this sense of honor, like he needed to leave without ties, in case something happens. He’s only written once since he left. I’ve never stopped missing him, though. I won’t pretend I felt for him what I felt for Jack. Maybe that makes me an asshole, to have been with someone who wasn’t my first choice, but Dave still matters to me. Anyway, he left me and didn’t look back and it didn’t take long before Jack and I got back to the physical stuff.”
“Hormones?”
Alana shakes her head. “It’s need. Physical need. Something in each of us is broken. We cling to each other like it will hold us together.”
She finishes the cigarette she’s been smoking and looks blankly at the club entrance. I don’t know what to say. Anything I say will feel like a lie; I want to make her feel better, but I want to believe Jack and I can work even when they couldn’t.
“It’s hard,” she says. “When your first love is so important to you, when he’s someone you still see, it’s hard to let go. But I let go of hoping when I started seeing Dave. I love Jack. I really do. And at the end of it all, Jack is my best friend. I can’t let go of him, but I have no claim to him, either. I want you to work. I want you to be what he’s missing. There are so many things wrong in his life, Lily. He deserves something right.”
“I love him,” I confess to her. “I just wanted to be sure I did.”
“You know, I told you he can’t be someone’s boyfriend. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he just can’t be mine.”
“I don’t need him to be my boyfriend. I just need him to be in my life.”
She smiles. “When he called me that night, the night you told him to leave you alone, he was destroyed. I went over to see him and it was the first time that he didn’t try to hide his feelings in mindless fucking.”
“Have you slept with him? Since that night?” I want to know, but I also don’t want to know. I don’t really have the right to know, either. As far as Jack
was concerned, I had a boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in a month and we weren’t even in a relationship before it fell apart. However, I need to know if Jack is in the same place as I am. I haven’t been with anyone or even thought about anyone but him.
“No. He wouldn’t even let me touch him. He just couldn’t stop saying that he wanted to be whole, that he wanted to be worth it to someone.”
The tears fall slowly from me. It breaks me apart to hear that. “He is. He is worth it.”
“I know. He’s always been worth it to me, too. But it was you he meant. You’re that someone.”
“What about you? About you and Jack?”
She looks at me. “We’ve had so much fun since we met and, as you know, Jack aims to please. But it’s been years, Lily. If there was a way, if we were meant to be together… well, it wouldn’t be so hard, would it?”
“I don’t think so. I broke up with the guy I thought was the love of my life for the same reason.”
“And with Jack?”
“Something changed in me with Jack. With Derek, I’d started to feel like I was fighting to save the past. With Jack, I could only look ahead of us and the path seemed wide open.”
“Sometimes, letting go is the only way to move forward, Lily. It sounds like we both learned that this year.” She takes my hand. “Come on. They’re gonna be on soon.”
Chapter 15
It’s hard to make it to the front now that even more people have arrived, but once the opener finishes, the crowd disperses a little. Alana pushes me up to the edge of the stage and I think it’ll all be okay until he comes out with the band. Suddenly, Jack is standing inches from me and I realize that I am taking a huge risk with him. I look up and I feel my stomach knotting, until his eyes meet mine. In the soft blue, there are so many words he hasn’t been able to say yet, but it’s okay. Nothing has changed since he walked away from me on the quad. I see it in the way he looks at me; I’m where I should be now and I can wait for everything else.
The show is fabulous and everyone’s bursting with energy after it ends. I don’t want to bother Jack so I stand by the stage. Alana gives me a hug and, when she’s this close, I remember being with her in bed. There’s a complex sexual urgency that’s still ever present in me, but I have to fight it if I want to make this work with Jack. With Derek, the relationship already existed before the sex. With Jack, however, this is navigating a new relationship and the foundation can’t be nothing but physical attraction. As much as I want to hook up with Alana again, I need to prove to Jack that I’m committed to him entirely. And not just sexually. I need him to know that he’s more than just a fuck when I’m sad because of my boyfriend. I need to prove to him that he is what I want in a boyfriend.
It takes a while before the band comes back out and I get nervous again, but when Jack finally approaches me, it disappears. It’s as if an hour has passed, not a month. I feel my body go into overdrive when I look at him. This is going to be tough, because I want to show him how I feel rather than tell him. I think about the sex we had and try to put it out of my mind; there will be time for that later. Tonight is about something else.
“I didn’t expect to see you. It’s been a while.” There is sorrow heavy in his voice.
“It’s been too long. But I needed to know.”
“And do you?”
“I do. I’m sorry it took this long, but I owed you that. I wanted to stand here and tell you that I was sure.”
“I don’t know what to say. I…” He trails off and looks around the club. “Can you give me a few minutes to pack up and then we can go for a ride?”
“Take as long as you need,” I reply.
He smiles. “I’ll be right back.”
He comes back ten minutes later and we take off on his bike. I’m hoping we won’t go back to the dorm, because I’m worried that we won’t end up talking. I can’t deny that I’m incredibly attracted to him and I know that all of my convictions will disappear if we go to his room. I know he’s mad at me, but I also know what happens when we’re alone. I’m relieved when he pulls up to an old playground on the edge of town.
He helps me down off the bike and we go to the swings. They look like they haven’t been used in years and Jack brushes off a clump of leaves so I can sit. He joins me on the swing next to mine and digs the toes of his shoes into the dirt below him.
“I’m really glad you came tonight,” he says. “You look beautiful.” The shyness is endearing, but also scary. I can deal with Jack when he’s moody and I can handle his mockery, but the sweetness and shyness are more intimidating than anything in his past. They remind me that he’s still just a guy and that he’s still breakable. I don’t want to be the one to break him any more than he has already been damaged. I sigh, remembering that I’ve been over this. Jack is worth the risk. I need him to know that.
“I want you,” I say, unable to hold it in any longer. “If you’ll have me.”
“What about you? You said you needed to figure yourself out.”
“I did. I probably still do. I’m not definitely sure who I am or what I want, but I care for you. In just a few days, I knew that I cared for you.”
“When did you break up with your boyfriend?”
“That night after I asked you to leave me alone.”
He looks up. “Really?”
“Really. I almost went to your room after Derek left, but I wanted to come back to you like this instead. I wanted you to know that you weren’t a backup plan. You’re my choice.”
“No one has ever chosen me, princess.”
I reach out and take his hand. “Until now.”
“You didn’t tell me, though. You had a boyfriend, and you mentioned him before, but you didn’t tell me. We did all that and you never told me.”
“I didn’t know. Well, actually, that’s not totally true, but we got in a fight and I thought it was over. At least the first night, I thought it might be and I wanted to forget it all. Once you and I had been together, I didn’t intend to fix things with Derek. It wasn’t right, even if you meant nothing. But that first night, I didn’t know what was going to happen.”
“That night at the bar.”
“Yeah.”
“And after? What happened after?”
“I don’t know. It’s just… He was the world to me. I adored him since I was old enough to feel anything for another person like that. We were together a year, but it just wasn’t working. Not since I started school. And that night, the first night… Derek was supposed to come see me for my birthday, but he made other plans and forgot about me and I thought he was seeing someone else and-”
“Was he?”
I shake my head. “No. He wasn’t. He told me he had never been unfaithful and I believe him.”
“You still care about him. I can hear it when you say his name.”
“I do. You’re right. I thought he was my future. That night, I was watching my future slip away and I felt helpless. It was like staring into an endless eternity and knowing that it was all darkness. Because Derek was my first real boyfriend and my first love, as well as the first guy I was with, I couldn’t accept that he wouldn’t be the only one. Suddenly, though, the world looked bleak.”
“Which led you to me. I was as hopeless as your future.”
“The truth?”
He nods. “From now on? Nothing but.”
“Yeah. I saw you as everything that he wasn’t. You were the perfect escape. But only for that night. And only for a part of it. In the alley, I wasn’t thinking about Derek. And slowly, over the next few days, things started to reshape themselves and, after I went to your house…”
“Princess, you’re not going to put me back together and make me right again. You know that, don’t you?”
“You know, maybe at first I thought I could. I probably even thought I should. However, then I got to know you. Your story, your sadness, your joys. It was just a week, but by the end of it, Jack, I realized something that you nev
er have.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“No one needs to put you back together and make you right. You’re fine just like this. I want you exactly as you are.”
“You’ve seen my life. The shit I carry around with me. How can you say I don’t need fixing?”
“Because that is what makes you the guy that I fell in love with.”
“You really love me?”
“I do, Jack. For a month now, I’ve avoided you, because I didn’t want to say the words if they weren’t true. I thought maybe it was just escape, something different from Derek, and that it would fade. I thought if I moved on and if I didn’t miss you, if I didn’t yearn to see you every time I took a corner, then I would know.”
“And?”
“And it was your eyes I saw when I fell asleep at night. When I walked to the elevator every day before class and every afternoon after class, I waited for you to come through the doors, and every time you didn’t, I ached for you. I had everything else and I was happy. But I still looked for you every night when I ate dinner. Every voice I heard sounded like yours. That can’t be lust. I didn’t even feel that way when I was with Derek and we’ve known each other since we were kids. Something about you, Jack, something in you just makes sense for me.”
“Why me, Lily? What if I can’t be what you need?”
“That’s why I waited. I’m not looking for someone else to be what I need. I’m looking for someone I want.”
“It’s weird to be wanted.”
“I doubt that. I wanted you plenty before.”
He laughs, despite the seriousness of the conversation. “So that’s what you’re after?”
“No. I want you. All of you. Not just your body, but also everything that you are. Meaning everything you bring with you, too. Good and bad.”
“Are you sure?”
“I am. It took me a while to figure things out, Jack. When school first started, I thought the emptiness I felt was homesickness or something missing with Derek. And then I met you. And I thought you were what I was missing. However, I realized recently that I wasn’t missing anything. I was just trying to fill an emptiness outside of myself when the emptiness was inside of me all along.”
